Oh, dear. Long neglected housework = what a mess = time to get out the Henry.
You DON'T regret punching the wall. If you regretted it, you'd never have done it the second time, let alone the third and fourth and-and...as has you describing it as "I PUNCH the wall".
Neither does SHE regret throwing the monitor at the wall.
What you're both 'saying' via these actions is, 'I am that overwrought that I want to punch your stupid face (if only I dared)'.
Grown adults don't throw their Hotwheels and Barbies around the room. Time to grow up, the pair of you, and learn how to fight DECENT.
She's expressing anger at THE FACT OF your first daughter, i.e. that you have one already. She's worried yours and her new baby won't get as much attention from her daddy as a baby should and would...because you already have one. It's her FIRST born and she'd obviously wish it were your firstborn as well, that would be the ideal.
She's angry about the fact of your first daughter inclusively because you and she seem to have very different ideas about how to treat and train a toddler in order to encourage them to grow out of their babyish ways. However, NEVER in the whole history of time did any parent say, 'Right, little Johnny - it's time you started to crawl!'. No. (And especially not to a little one whose growth/development got delayed by distraction of family trauma and having to deal with it then and since.) Baby leads, mum and dad follow anxiously behind, ready to catch if/when they get into difficulty. That's good parenting.
Sure, you can ENCOURAGE them to speed up some. But you can't force.
I said to my son (when he was 3), 'If ghosts or monsters were REAL, don't you think *I* would be worried, too?...because monsters and ghosts are scarier and bigger than even grown-ups and especially women grown-ups who are smaller than men grown-ups?' (Yeth) 'Do I LOOK worried to you?' (Mo) 'So why aren't I?' (Er...) 'Is it, do you suppose, because I know they DON'T exist and it's just a silly story that bigger kids all over the world like to tell to little kids because they themselves like pretending all the time and scaring each other a bit because for them it's fun and exciting, like why they like riding on scary funfair rides? (Yeth). 'Well, mummy isn't scared one iota so that tells you it's just a pretend nonsense, nothing to take seriously, yes?' (Yeth).
Bish, bash, bosh, SORTED! After that, it switched to, "I wanth a dwink o' wather, mummy', LOL. Funny, that. Excuse to gain mummy or daddy's attention instead of going sleepybyes, anyone? Or perhaps in your case, excuse to gain reassurance from daddy that although he could leave mummy, daughter's a different kettle of fish entirely.
Clearly, you and your new wife CAN control your tempers if you have an incentive, i.e. your daughter present. (Clearly, therefore, your wife doesn't have anything PERSONAL against your daughter.) So clearly you could if you had a full-time incentive. Well, your newborn's going to be present all the time, isn't s/he? There you go.
Meantime, I would ply greater attention onto your daughter whilst she's still in this post-divorcal period of parental insecurity, as well (- kids don't get over anything, same as adults; they just learn to live with the ball and chain until their legs get stronger and they cease noticing its weight). Do it during the daytime. Don't make the mistake of training her via behavioural signalling that only BEDTIME is when she gets you to herself ergo bedtime is when it's best/easiest to try to.
Fois gras her for a while until she's had TOO MUCH reassurance and herself needs to be alone (nighttime) and then gently, imperceptibly ease off (she'll ease off herself, anyway). But don't do it with only positive attention (that way lies spoilt bugger) - turn ALL the dials up. This means, discipline and routine her more as well. It has to be REAL dad-daughter interaction - all facets. And she has to see that although daddy can get angry and displeased with one of her facets for shorts bursts here and there, that never could lead to him abandoning *her, the whole diamond*. Nope, never.
Try this one: "Hold your breath and KEEP holding it, don't stop........ You can't, can you (PHOOOO!..Mo). That is how impossible it is for me to ever leave you...couldn't even if I wanted to...which I don't and wouldn't ever. So stop worrying that I'd ever hold my breath and be capable of keeping it held because it's *impossible*... so you worrying about that is a *complete* waste of your time. I *can* spank your bum when you're naughty, though, or make you sit on the naughty step
Back to wifey: she wants this new baby to be your world. She's about to undergo a HUGE life change, is understandably terrified, and is naturally worried she won't have normal full support. She knows logically you'll have to share your attention with your first, understandably a little high-maintenance kid. But this isn't something that stems from the logical side of the brain where talking happens. You have to go under the conscious radar directly to the inner animal. Animal talk is called ACTIONS.
I'd have thought you could kill two birds with one stone if you were to get first daughter on board and all excited and involved with the imminent arrival of her brand new baby sister whom 'stepmummy' (don't refer to her as that, though, yikes!) is going to need help with. But not just from ANYONE, oh, no. She'll need a big, clever girl....."LIKE YOU!
Fancy being the most important helper? You could help daddy re-learn what to do as well, because it's been ages since you were a baby and daddy's forgotten...and boys aren't as good as girls at taking good care of tiny babies anyway." No little girl's ego should be able to resist that.
This would pose as the extra proof to your wife that you DO genuinely see the importance of this event like would a first-time dad (because you can't even contain it to yourself and, most tellingly, are seeing beyond the immediate term). It would also provide a handy extra disincentive to daughter against acting-out at bedtime...because only babies do that whereas she's a big, clever girl with a very important part-time job of a big, clever girl about to start.
If you don't go schtum you won't make your wife have to bottle things up yet again instead of expressing them, to where, next time, the size of her wrath *seems* an over-reaction, but which actually isn't, as triggers you into over-reactivity. If as a couple you keep sweeping things under the rug, before you know it, it's a mountain that keeps tripping the pair of you up.
Hormones don't MAKE you nuts. Hormones lower your normal strength and resilience for keeping a lid on it all. What's actually made you upset proves a quantum too much which tips your bottled-up amount to its limit where it then bursts forth.
Here's what I and hubster do, almost daily (all things allowing): "You a happy bunny lately? Any complaints?". Works. No arguments, just occasional niggles that get sorted by a couple of calm paragraphs each. It's called good housekeeping and means, aside from a quick flick of the wrist with the dustpan brush, the hoover stays put, untouched in the utility room. If ever things DO get heated - because some great mess has unexpectedly crash-landed on the floor courtesy of LIFE, we do Time Out for an hour, followed by either a calm discussion or by (un-interruptable) email. Wasn't always like that, though, what with us being very passionate people (with each other, I mean). So that's WHY we found a way. Where there's a will, there's a way / Man-made problem = man-made solution exists somewhere.
You can't be throwing monitors and punching walls. And 'atmospheres' will just make your daughter's sense of insecurity worse because kids - who are close to sensitive animals than are us civilized and constantly distracted big kids - are amazing little radars.
Speak your mind, have a little 5 minute sweep. Every. Day. Or don't complain when faced with a dust & mess mountain because you forced her passively to bottle up, fester, thereby incapable of not blowing. (Not rocket science, huh.)
Say it with me: Procrastination achieves nothing but far harder work. The GENUINELY lazy - but cleverly so - are those that never put off until tomorrow what can be done (far more easily and quickly) today. An over-dirty and messy house breeds DIS-EASE.