I met a guy online a couple years ago and, at first there wasn't really anything between us but, about a year ago we started talking again. I have never met anyone who I understood me as well as he does and now we are dating. He is so perfect except for the fact that he is all ways doing crazy drugs. He does drugs like heroin (once and awhile but he isn't addicted), horse tranquilizers, and a bunch of different hallucinogens that I don't even know how to pronounce. It really scares me and I don't want to take our relationship to the next step if he is going to be doing these drugs the rest of his life. It would hurt a lot to leave him but I don't want to have kids and all they know for a dad is some guy who always does drugs. He is so smart and could go and do so many amazing things but I'm afraid that all these drugs are gonna wreck it for him. What if he gets a super nice job but then gets drug tested and loses it? I don't know if I should let him go now or see if he changes.
"He's perfect besides being a drug addict"
"drugs like heroin (once and awhile but he isn't addicted), horse tranquilizers, and a bunch of different hallucinogens "
Your synopsis in the form of your thread title told the truth. You wouldn't deny someone was an alcoholic just because he flitted between vodka one night, gin the next, red wine the next, and so on and so forth ('weekly' rather than 'nightly' if done in binges), would you.
ALWAYS doing crazy drugs, you said. So...
"He's perfect (for me) besides being a drug addict"
"He WOULD be perfect (for me) were he not a drug addict"
"He IS a drug addict ergo he's not perfect (for me)"
"He's not perfect (for me)"
Clearly you expect perfect (for you). Clearly there's good basis behind that expectation. Clearly that's true or you wouldn't be here asking for the impetus to leave him, you'd be making excuses for him in order to lump it.
What you're expressing up there is merely an hope* that he can realise his potential. However, there's no such thing as potential (unless you're still a teenager). You either are something/are doing something or you're not. Potential doesn't exist if not being applied consistently through/onto something in the environment. Locked inside a mind, it's a non-entity. If you've got it, you find a way to flaunt it. So he's NOT perfect (for you). And you know you deserve better. In which case, you'll sooner or later manage to attract it (that's how it works).
Will that be someone like him, even BETTER, AND without such a massive self-hobbler? Or will it be him, new & improved?
What's his incentive given that all that already exists in his world today clearly isn't proving to be such? It should be YOU, shouldn't it?
Find out. Do BOTH: let him go now and then see if (the loss of you proves so intolerable that) he makes real moves to start changing. If not, you have comforting confirmation that your decision was the right one. After all, a man in love can quite easily re-chase (so say the fact of anti-stalking laws) and persuade a woman round if what he uses to persuade her by is real and concrete, can't he. (I presume he managed to chase and persuade you the first time?) So if he does do all of that, he'll have proven your decision the WRONG one, yes? (Men love proving women wrong, you know
And women never mind being proven wrong when the proof facilitates a positive outcome.)
Make sure he knows why you're ending it. And don't let it sound like an ultimatum, e.g., "I'm so sorry, I can't continue seeing you if you're going to continue drug-taking". Instead it should be, "I'm so sorry, I've decided I can't continue seeing you because of your drug-taking". That then leaves the decision entirely in HIS court.
You have LOADS of soulmates out there. Some are ripe, healthy and ready (your optimum), but some sadly aren't. If in your opinion he's one of your soulmates despite an unhealthy/unready one, that soulmate-dom still proves you're only MONTHS away from another soulmate who is. So it's not a losing situation here, it's going to be a win whichever way you look at it.