Limbo between having a relationship and haven broken up
Hello, it is nice to know that I can write my feelings somewhere without being judged- usually I wouldn't be seeking help from the internet but here I am.
I have been in a relationship with an amazing person for the last six months or so. He is incredibly kind, smart and motivated, fun to be with. I could not ask for more. We are both university students at the moment so academic excellence is a big thing- especially for him. He has a very strong desire to get into the course he wants in a certain university after finishing this degree.
It has been an exam period for the last couple of weeks and both him and I were quite busy studying. Of course, we still stayed in touch and chatted via messages, though we didn't see each other face to face. Before the exams,we visited art galleries, went to see a play, went to outings with a group of friends, talked over the phone for hours and hours until we had to go to sleep. Or we simply enjoyed each other's company. Everything was going so well.
Three days ago was our last exam for the semester, although we had another one but it's not from our core subject so we weren't too fussed about it. I rushed home to bake him some goodies as a surprise because I wanted to see him the day after- to which he agreed. Then he told me that he had to discuss something with me but it had to be done on the day we meet, not now. He didn't sound happy and I was worried, so I insisted on telling me now so I can help him at least a day earlier.
He was planning to break up with me because he feels that his priority at the moment is to study as hard as he could, and also he felt guilty enough already not giving me enough attention. (His exact words were; 'I do like you. But I don't think it's fair for you to be with me when I don't think you are the one and give you proper attention.') I pleaded for him to come back (pitifully and desperately too, I might add) and after two hours of convincing, he agreed that perhaps he was running away because of the fear of not getting in his degree. Upon this, he made a deal with me to not be clingy anymore. I understand that I'm always telling him that I miss him and I want to see him and everything, but isn't that just what people do when they love each other? He concluded that I can't spend too much time with him because he would rather stay home and utilise his time for the better. I said that I understand (though I didn't) and we sealed that night with the typical 'good night, I love you.'
The next day, since we already decided to meet up I took the nicely packaged cookies I made and left my house to see him. But upon looking at his face, I started tearing up and couldn't even say hello because my throat closed up. I gave him the box of cookies and made an excuse to leave- he probably saw me crying. Even after that we chatted like nothing happened- everything was fine. I pretended to be cheery and happy because I remember when he first asked me out, that's what made him love me the most.
I talked about this with two of my friends, and both told me that perhaps I shouldn't have begged him back because the relationship won't be the same way again. One says that I'm deluded for thinking that I can stay with him until he eventually comes back, the other feels sorry for him because he doesn't understand the unconditional love I give him.
I agree that I was always the first to tell him that I love him, I showered him with gifts and hugs and kisses while he gave me nothing- sometimes I do feel that it's a waste of time and money (I might add, which I don't have much because I'm a student), but his thanks and his lit up face just makes my day and in the end it's all worth it. Even back then, I felt that he was in love with me but now I am not sure if his I love you's are real anymore.
TL;DR Boyfriend who wants to focus on his studies and doesn't feel the same way about me as I do him, breaks up with me. I beg him back but under a condition I give him lots and lots of space which doesn't work with me, but I agree. But relationship isn't the same as before because I am starting to miss him and the fact that the love isn't so mutual anymore hurts me.
I am not going to end the relationship so please don't tell me that he's not good enough or anything, I just want him to like me the same way as before. What can I do to hug me and kiss me, or make him ask me out on dates- not even fancy ones, just ones where we can just spend a day seeing each other? Or tell me that he loves me before I tell him that I love him?
Well, you MIGHT be judged, but not in a nasty way and always for your own betterment benefit... But let's see, shall we (I personally don't tend to read the whole post first, I type responses as I go, para by para)...
Six months is still Honeymoon Period, meaning you haven't seen each other's dark sides yet. And you WILL ask for more, because as your attachment grows, so do your needs and expectations.
First off, although it's natural he'd want to knuckle down and put your relationship to the side a little, I don't see why he can't still be phoning you once per day (preferably before bed-time to say night-night, i.e. lovers' time) and still seeing you at least for a few hours per week on, say, a Saturday afternoon or night. So a little alarm bell just went off in my head there.
"'I do like you. But I don't think it's fair for you to be with me when I don't think you are the one and give you proper attention.'"
Yep. Sounds like he's been seeing someone else. Very sorry to have to tell you that. Alternatively, it could be that he felt the knuckling down period was a great opportunity for you to show him how much YOU cared, i.e. to sit back and see how badly you wanted to be the one to phone and nag him to meet up, and because you didn't now feels you're not that into him?... hence acquiescing when you begged (which proved how much you're into him)? Alternatively, him wanting to date another woman - the fact you begged made him feel like a cad and so he's fed you placation whilst planning either to keep you second best on the side (in case the new relationship doesn't work out) or whilst he intentionally lets go of you bit by bit until such point as you can't take it any more and decide to dump HIM.
I think it's the two-timing one because, presumably, his was an act of mercy and yet he included the phrase, 'don't think you're the one'. He's saying he's met or intends to cruise for someone more his precise cup of tea.
"he agreed that perhaps he was running away because of the fear of not getting in his degree"
Yes - agreed. It was YOUR insised reason, not his.
And he's got you to agree 'not to be clingy' so as to give him room to see this other woman. And by caging it in those unflattering terms, you're presented with a deterrent against taking any contact initiative or else prove yourself (wait for it) CLINGY.
It's not that you're clingy. It's that he's NOT CLINGY *ENOUGH*. So let's chuck that emotionally manipulative nonsense of his in the bin where it belongs, okay?
"I understand that I'm always telling him that I miss him and I want to see him and everything, but isn't that just what people do when they love each other?"
Yes - what PEOPLE do. Including him, you'd think. But evidently not, or else you wouldn't have changed from the cheery and happy person you originally were due to him confusingly not having been the one as eager as you to keep in adequate touch and make dates to see each other. So now I can see that he's never been as into you as you are to him, almost right from the off. So now I'm betting he was never, in his head, as keen as mustard and exclusive and committed towards you as you were towards him.
Oh, look - here's the proof:
"I agree that I was always the first to tell him that I love him, I showered him with gifts and hugs and kisses while he gave me nothing- sometimes"
Haven't you had enough of being strung along whilst fed only crumbs yet, TANUKII1? Haven't you had enough of being forced to take up the male wooing baton because he always mostly just SAT THERE DOING VERY LITTLE?
No he doesn't love you and no it wasn't ever real. But whilst you thought he loved you, you were willing to do his side of the dating workload for him (so that he got full perks without the work as earns those) AND were primed to jump whenever he clicked his fingers (for sex).
So never mind 'not SO mutual' - not mutual at all. User. Now trying to use you even more (thanks to his being able to manipulate your feelings of love and fear of losing him). He'll continue dating this other woman he's just recently met and started dating (whilst he was - cough! - hard at studying), to stop his b*lls aching and his mind being consumed over where his next sh*g will be coming from, so that meanwhile he has a way to self-control, as in prevent himself from being pushy with her over trying to get her into bed, meaning he'll come across as the perfect gentleman thus one who must be altogether serious about having a long-term relationship with her....so that - ironically enough, Alanis - because she seemingly can trust his intentions, she'll jump into bed with him that much quicker than she otherwise would have.
"I am not going to end the relationship so please don't tell me that he's not good enough or anything, I just want him to like me the same way as before. What can I do to hug me and kiss me, or make him ask me out on dates- not even fancy ones, just ones where we can just spend a day seeing each other? Or tell me that he loves me before I tell him that I love him?"
Tough. Sorry. But this is not MacDonalds where you can order according to fleeting self-gratification based needs. We deal in reality, things that LAST. You cannot MAKE someone fall in love with you. He's had ample time to do that were he even of a mind to...but he isn't of a mind to. He probably just wants conquests... three to six-month stands instead of one-nighters.
The only way you could get him back and FOOLING himself he was in love with you would be by manipulating and challenging his ego and pride. But that never works for very long. Usually, you get tired of knowing only his ego is in it - trying to avoid humiliation of rejection by you and re-conquer your own (put you back in your place) - as well as tired of the fact it's just YOUR ego, not your heart wanting him back, that's desperately determined not to see itself rejected...meaning, you'll just end up dumping him anyway (the minute he's properly attached, feeling safe and secure, and least expecting it), even more resentful and humiliated than you are today (for the fact he didn't fall in love with you no matter what you did. In fact, you probably only want him back so THAT you can dump him (the minute he's properly attached and feeling safe and secure).
Don't waste your time. Even if there ISN'T some other woman on the scene he's still trying the classic tack of ensuring the relationship from here on in gets conducted completely and utterly on his terms and s*d your needs, hopes, dreams, ideas and feelings. Dump the dud now instead of merely later. Short-sharp pain as opposed to yet more long, drawn-out months of agony.
...Unless, of course, this campaign would be a superbly, effectively distractive way of avoiding getting on with whatever it pressingly is on your life To Do list that you're so loath to get stuck into?
How on earth are you going to pass your exams if your mind is constantly on THIS upsetting debacle and ways to fix it?
It's not your job to fix it. Because you didn't smash it. He did. It's his, and he doesn't sound at all like he wants to repair it.
For future ref, a man who is madly-enough into you won't leave you alone. He'll want to see you ALL THE TIME (all things possible) and will ring the phone off the hook trying to speak to you every night (and will just ask NICELY if he wants you to share a little of the contact-making duty, emphasis on little). He'll want to buy YOU gifts and generally treat you like a princess so that you become properly, FULLY attached (by the heart, not just the piddly MacEgo).... and he won't EVER, EVER dare smash the precious attachment you and he have or play silly buggers with it.
PS, just so's we're clear:
"(the minute he's properly attached and feeling safe and secure)."
Should have added 'SEEMINGLY' because, that's not going to happen. It's just what you think you could make happen.
Wow thank you for your response, I understand I was blinded by my own selfishness. Hah your response was so comically written that it put a smile upon my face.
Though I wish I had given more information because you don't seem to be aware fully of what's going on, but if I did that I think people would just lose interest in reading until the end, don't you think?
Anyways thank you for making it until the end- I hope I didn't rob you too much of your precious time
You're welcome. I can't speak for anyone else's attention spans, but no, I wouldn't have lost interest because I've read even WHOLE, ENTIRE BOOKS (devoid of pictures) before now, LOL.
But it's immaterial anyway because whatever else details involved as could have been included, won't/can't change the bottom line of:
1. Him telling you you're not the one.
2. after having all along demonstrated it via lack of 'into you' behaviour as meant you having had to be the demonstrative, proactive one, keeping the 'relationship' afloat, to the point of having had to behave like the man to his woman.
Equals: was never that into you (but you did as Miss Right NOW, until today).
You've got nothing to work with if the guy's telling you you're not the one after having long demonstrated it despite you hadn't had the time and space to really wake up to it and what it meant until now.
He's just not your type - meaning it's understandable neither are you his. You want a REAL man!
...And evidently, so does he.