How could he sleep with her
I've been with him since I was 14 years old, two kids and 11 years later he asked for a divorce. We've been distant from each other lately I felt the tension. It started when I losses my baby when he was still in the womb I had to push his little body out of me and hold him in my arms. When I got pregnant again with our other little boy I was so scared, the dr put a cervical stitch in so we could not have sex, I had to take shots every week so I would not go into labor and not to mention I had the dr apps that I had to go to all by myself with a two year old because we were on opposite shifts. All this going on made me scared and instead of helping me he made me feel lonely and by myself. When I had my son I thought my troubles were over but they just began. Our son became sick at 1 month and I had to stay up all night and watch him to make sure he wouldn't stop breathing. Again I had to do it all by myself. When he got better he refused to hold him for more than 10 minutes, he made me feel like something was wrong with my baby. So when he asked for the divorce I said okay but I knew there was something more. The first time I checked hos phone I discovered a women on face book that he was asking how she was doing. When I confronted him he blew up and went to his mother’s house. The day of the actual filing of the divorce papers I waited till he wasn't near his phone and that’s when I found the msgs. The same women I confronted him about clear as day on his phone while he called her baby. He acted like I was an idiot and told me to let him go. After going back and forth for a couple of days he says he wants to work it out and all he ever did with this lady was talk because she made him feel good. I looked him in the eyes and asked if he ever slept with her and he said no and swore on the kid’s life. So I forgave him and that night we had sex. Two days later I am awaken by him standing over me telling me we need to talk. Refusing to sit he looks at me and says that he went all the way with this lady and was not going to tell me but he has a rash on his penis because he had unprotected sex with her once and protected sex wither another time. He exposed me to god knows what and because I’m breastfeeding my son he exposed him to. I’m still at home with him but I don’t know what to do. I love him I always will but I can’t get the image of his lie or betrayal out of my head. What should I do?
Fourtee-FOURTEEN YEARS OLD??? Well, there's your answer, isn't it. How on earth can a 14-year-old boy know what he wants/needs beyond the end of his own nose, let ALONE what woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with based on intelligent and perceptive extrapolations about what kind of woman she'll develop into later on in her life! And same for him and who HE'LL be, want and need? SAME FOR YOU, TOO. Little wonder he turned out not to be the type of husband you wanted and needed (emotionally mature, brave, protective, capable and supportive). That, frankly, is like buying a pair of jeans when you're 14 and thinking they'll still fit you even when you're 25!
What were you both DOING at the time - trying to escape the parents?
And this 'pair of jeans' couldn't possibly have done the intricacies of the run-up process involved in *becoming* mature enough to settle down with one woman for the rest of his life via experimentation with his ego. Hence why now that erstwhile, completely ignored part of his developmental process is urging him to finish that experiential workload NOW.
In other words, he's a tw*t.
Mid Life Crisis. Plus a past case of, Wrong Person, Right Place, Wrong Time.
The details, all the little ins and outs, the I saids/he saids, are just symptoms of this crux dis-ease of his.
"So when he asked for the divorce I said okay"
Course you did. You knew you deserved better/more. MUCH more. And you're right. YOU may have been mature enough at 14, but evidently he wasn't.
"But".... it's wakie-wakie silly ego time... Another woman's been on your patch, hasn't she. How very dare she!!, shrieks your ego.
You do NOT love this man - because he kicked it out of you long ago via his insults and neglect.
"When I confronted him he blew up and went to his mother’s house."
Reaction of having been caught red-handed thus out-foxed, anyone? "Oh, it just didn't work out", is what he'd been hoping to get to tell everyone (thereby keep his public Nice Guy image intact). Now it's going to look like his adultery is what set destroyed his marriage and family whilst you were wholly innocent in its breakdown, meaning you - victim, him - perpetrator/monster.
You'd think if he wants a divorce, meaning for him the relationship is already dead and over and merely the legal formalities standing in the way of freedom, he'd just admit he had a lover, wouldn't you. Ah, but, no. Asides from the image-cat being out of the secret, behind-doors bag - if you're seemingly not willing to let it go (which your jealous reaction *falsely suggests*), that means he could have BOTH... could avoid loss of his home, wealth, future income amount, whilst continuing to receive all the perks of marriage (free cook, nanny, bottle washer) intact whilst keeping mistress on the side ...for as long as the equally emotionally thick woman remains dupe-able. Cake and eat it.
He doesn't realise that your reaction is just female-female-competitiveness/territorialism, i.e. ego activation. Neither, I think, do you.
Face it, he was a sh*t husband thanks to being highly immature. Say it with me: SH*T HUSBAND, BLOODY CHOCOLATE TEAPOT THAT'S ALREADY MELTED! He couldn't cope with having to take a back seat after the kids (awww, dere-dere), losing your high attention and adoration, not being the centre of the universe. He couldn't even be brave enough to suck up his fears like a grown man to fall in love with his own fragile baby - for IT'S sake - in case it went and left him... Him, him, him, it's all about him!
"because she made him feel good"
So immature and clueless is he that he doesn't even understand that by GIVING, you automatically receive. You just have to wait a little while before the harvest time comes around. Wait? MacHim? KIDS can't wait, not for anything! Now-now-now, Me-me-ME!
Stunted ego. Suffers mid life crisis and instead of using that as a cue and opportunity to examine what it is HE'S been doing wrong as has created this mess, Stanley, like it's intended to do, he does what all kids do - which is automatically assume he's the hard-done-by one and seek out ways to MacMake himself feel MacBetter (and sod you and the kidlets because it's all about him, anyway, and always was (and, I'm betting, always will)).
So anyway... he decided to cement your seeming wish to remain married to him - enough to likely tolerate being a cuckolded 'wife' for the rest of your days - by sh*gging the smile (and original addiction thus motivation to tolerate) back on your face. In WITH that was a nice little packet of revenge for all the times you'd "DARED" act like your respective kids were, due to their young age, moreover the most important product at that point of your marriage (as it should be at that stage)....and deliberately, knowingly, maliciously ATTEMPTED TO INFECT YOU WITH AN S.T.D.
And that's why he refused to sit DOWN AT YOUR SAME LEVEL. He chose to stand in order to  feel superior as he dealt this potentially permanently life-detrimenting blow and  be in a position if need be to leg it quick (coward)!
Gimmie the gun. If you haven't got the balls to do it, I bloody will.
The hopeful news, health-wise, is that, no, he did NOT have sex with her just once or twice. It was LOTS of times, meaning he maximised his risk of catching her sexual disease thus, hey-ho, caught it. (Mmm, nice choice of partner he's made there. Is that grade of woman what he believes his more ideal choice/his more truthful level, is it? He ain't *that* thick, then, is he.:-p)
Get yourself tested without delay and hope that once wasn't enough.
"I love him I always will but I can’t get the image of his lie or betrayal out of my head. What should I do?"
No, you don't love him and, no, you won't always will. Your ego just cannot resist the call of challenge of seeing off another woman and getting to be the one who rejects HIM, tells HIM he's the not-good-enough one - not the other, unjust way around when it was him who made the marriage so constantly insultingly dissatisfactory. It's kidding you that you love him. Because otherwise, you wouldn't let it enter the boxing ring, would you.
So what you, quote, should do - if you're more concerned with the next 50/60/however many years than the next piddly few months/1 year - is BELIEVE there is a much, much better and nicer man (CAPABLE of real love) out there with your name on him which is WHY Fate has right-here-right-now (rather than x years ago or x years' time) brought all of this to a head by dragging this mistress (who needs her own catalyst and lesson) into the picture. Your Mr Right is himself right now in his own similar or equal need-to-extricate or ready-to-pair-up state, meaning your timelines are in synch, as are your side paths upon which you're both 'walking' as lead to a JUNCTION. Bump! "Well, he-LOOOOO, beautiful & mini-me-beautifuls!! / Well, he-loooo BACK, handsome!" Cue sex, snogging, loving and being loved like you never dared dream possible! (You might need to have a quick rebound partner first, but after that will be the biggie.)
Trust me. Seen this a thousand times before. I know what I'm talking about. So don't mess up that opportunity to be reborn and live a life closer to what you had always dreamed of. You cannot make it work with someone THIS unfit for a life-lasting relationship. Not on your timeline.
Dump the dud. PHYSICALLY, this time.
If - IF - losing you is enough to make him want to get you back and keep you back - BY IMPROVING HIS ATTITUDES AND BEHAVIOUR - and I do mean you and not his lifetime material achievements - then mount a campaign to woo you back whilst fixing all that smashed trust is precisely what he'll do (- hence the fact that anti-stalking laws and measures exist).
If not, don't be scared about being on your own because by the sounds of it, you've been a singleton and single mother all along anyway. Right? So what's going to be different apart from not being able to kid yourself you have a supporter on-hand, and having one less person to clean and clear up after?
It's all good. Que Sera. Just do what's right, no matter what, and Fate's got your back.
Hope that helps.
You have no idea how good you made me feel after reading this. I am very scared to start over he is literally all I have ever known but you kinda gave me hope ty
Yeah, I do. And I ain't even finished yet. You need that good feeling injected right down into the deepest emotional levels so that it can't wear off or desert you in times of need and testing:
It's natural to be scared. Fear of the unknown. Leap of faith. What feels at the time like pending massive change. These are just negative fears, and 9.9999 times out of 10 they're nothing like the reality...NOTHING.
It's not massive change because it doesn't all change in one fell swoop. First you get used to him not being in the house.
Meantime, you've been to see and appointed a solicitor (pick a woman who'll be bothered to deal with your up and down emotions and appreciate how life feels from your side). Interim Maintenance will get ordered toute suite so that you know where you are pre-divorce hearing as well as know what he is and isn't allowed to do (including never let himself into the house unless you've opened the door to him based on pre-arrangement with sensible notice, and the details of once-fortnightly custody of the kids).
Once you commence getting used to his absence, you notice how much lighter your daily workload is, both on the practical AND emotional level. You thought he was, despite it all, a source of help and support. But turns out, no he wasn't. Moreover, he was actually the opposite.
You notice how much calmer and harmonious the house is. Suddenly, you haven't got someone sneakily undermining your authority with the kids just because he feels like you're more intelligent, capable, more *everything* than him, didn't like it, but rather than stretch to your level preferred to keep trying to pull you down a peg or two.
No longer having the expectation of assistance as would have you constantly set up for disappointment and frustration, now your mind and body feel so much lighter and more energetic, meaning you manage to get surprisingly so much more done in shorter spaces of time. You start to realise, 'Anything he could do, I can do better' and find yourself increasingly tackling even DIY jobs, discovering how piss-easy they actually always were (which makes you even angrier than before about his constant procrastinations) (oh, yeah, you don't have to tell me what he was like - those major symptoms of his up there, all have a crowd of tinier friends).
The daily/weekly/monthly routine being smoother, the kids eventually start being more settled and doing better in school as well as taking more and more kiddie-appropriate responsibilities at home. No-one - no emotional (and in your case, financial) parasite - is making you feel like sh*t on their shoe and like crying or screaming all the time. You feel liberated, relieved, happy and hopeful. You have even more time to look after and spoil yourself, including, usually, a new image (hairstyle and wardrobe). Aside from the kids' tea, you don't have to prepare/cook/clean up after supper every night (you can just have toast and Marmite if you want); you don't have to compromise over which TV programmes to watch, etc., etc...and you can starfish in the bed every night.... on and on and on go those new senses of freedom, independence and privilege.
With your solicitor getting on with the divorce procedure (aside from whenever your input is needed, like the court financial status statement forms), you start to socialise more, hiring a babysitter or doing swapsie sleepovers with new, divorced friends that you've naturally begun to gravitate more towards ( and vice versa). Now your mind naturally progresses to thoughts about dating - via the web or speed-dating or in a blind foursome with friends.
Despite there are brief spates of feeling lost and lonely - e.g. when the kids are with him each second weekend (which spates dissipate increasingly over time) - as well as those wherein you feel angry and frustrated because the (NOT happier!) ex is trying to get your attention by negatively acting-out - moreover you're loving your newly happier lifestyle/new world and utterly kicking yourself over why failed to make the break long before now. HARD.
(Don't ever be fooled by divorcees who are UN-happy. The sky-high majority are the types who are their own worst enemies and perversely aren't happy unless they've got something(s) to be permanently unhappy about so that they can sit there and whinge-whinge-whinve instead of getting on with their workload.)
This new, increasingly established routine continues - featuring you getting your head quickly around the rules of dating when you and/or 'he' are both single parents... You, as I say, typically experience a rebound relationship - usually a man of a mid-positional standard on the dire-to-wonderful scale between the truly crappy ex and the eventual high calibred Mr Right (which mid-way relationship helps 'fitten you up' ready for him, including helping you to sort out in your mind all that was wrong and showed itself to be wrong in your marriage)... You get over that break-up (surprisingly quickly) and - VOILA - in he walks - Mr Right (or, alternatively, you decide to remain single for longer, realising how happy you nowadays are as a singleton so why change a thing).
The Decree Nisi followed swiftly by the Absolut come in and you feel NOTHING. You thought you'd feel sad or distraught but you don't; it does nothing to dent your new-found joie de vivre.
This new-found happiness feels too convincingly like a reward for all the suffering you endured for the sake of your kids's welfare and your conviction in your original marital vows, and for the hard work and determination you put into ensuring your kids remained okay and coping throughout that entire marital mess capped off by the potentially-upsetting mid- and post-divorcal periods.
It feels like it is BECAUSE IT IS.
"Thank GOD I divorced ex-husband when I did!", you say. "And thank GOD I dated and broke up with/let go of Mr Not Right Enough when I did! Had I not, I wouldn't now be here in Permanently HappierVille".
Yes, you would. But being as how HappierVille is a PLACE, not an individual mate, it contains its own population of likewise better calibred people, amongst whom exists *lots* of Mr Rights (roughly same quality, different details). But if you always do what's right WHEN it's right and not delay, you'll end up with the BEST Mr Right of the bunch, meaning way better than the ex versus way-WAY better than the ex.
Again - seen it too many times. It's just a process. Same path, new/different walkers. Same ruts, same styles, same gates, same puddles, same trees and streams, same coordinates, same weather pattern... Or, if you prefer - one play production, different actors. Same. And some of its travellers like hiking, some don't (- the lazy, not-happy-lest-they're-grumpy feckers).
Enforced change of this range and magnitude is a blessing, a miracle, in disguise. A rebirth. You can make it so that the 'big obstetricians in the sky' deem pethadone and forceps or caesarian are necessary (as leave you with marks/scarring for whatever period) or you can just keep the faith and keep pushing on so as to ensure the waves of pain don't outdo the joy that awaits the minute you (and your mini-yous) emerge into this new and improved world. You have almost complete control. And what control you DON'T have, Fate has. And it *likes* truth-abiding, hard, responsible workers.
No pain, no gain. The bigger the pain, the bigger the gain.
What it *doesn't* like, are lazy uckers who can't own and sort out their own issues without gratuitously puking corrosive acid all over their nearest and dearest (including and especially genuine victims of this world - little kiddies).
Feel the fear and do it anyway/What goes around, comes around/You reap what you sow/No pain, no gain.
So that's your map in greater detail. 50p please. :-)
Your kind words have lifted my spirits more then you can ever understand the day I found the emails I was going to take my life, he picked up the kids and I began trying to figure out different waste to do it. Finally I settled on driving off the bridge near the house. I gathered pictures of my kids to place in the car with me along with there first day home hospital clothes and the keepsake the hospital gave me of the baby I loss. I took my shower put my clothes on and went reaching for my keys. They were no where in sight. Then I remembered I left it in my sons diaper bag. I keep playing this moment back in my mind, I truly believe God wanted me to live that day and I really believe there something out there that I'm meant to find. I don't know what it is yet but I'm excited to find out now. You are an amazing person and you offer amazing advice. Thank you for all that you have said and please continue to be the angel that you are.
No, I do know.
Here - look at your giant Freudian slip : different WASTE to do it. Eh? Eh? Truth leaking out of your subconscious or what! I should cocoa!
And, yes, you do feel like your life is over. Because it is. *The old and crappy one*. A life *has* to 'die' before it can start again afresh. So never fear death, yet never choose the physical version of it as if your only way out. Human-made dilemma/trauma = Human-made solution. This is not a trauma, it's an opportunity. It's just the supposed ring of fire you have to run through that so majorly daunts you. But once you've run through it, you look back and realise it was just a mirage or illusion ("ill-uu-siooon...ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ah-ah!")...and then kick yourself.
You've had a parasite sucking the blood and life out of you, that's all. That's the lot of strong people - they attract either equal strong'uns or weak, pathetic dependants and/or downright users. You wouldn't MIND if they originally asked nicely, would you. But they don't - they hitch a free ride. And now you're about to burn yours off with a still-hot match-head instead of letting it continue sucking until you hadn't even the strength and will left to continue living.
"went reaching for my keys. They were no where in sight. Then I remembered I left it in my sons diaper bag. I keep playing this moment back in my mind, I truly believe God wanted me to live that day and I really believe there something out there that I'm meant to find."
I don't believe any more. I *know* (albeit I call it Fate). And so will you. There is much MUCH more to this existence, this life, than we realise - because we're given only those senses that help us survive the bog-standard tests and tribulations. Or we HAVE said extra senses but never have call, usually, to utilize them. And then we do.
It's no coincidence that mystical, genuinely spiritual types are mostly over the mid-life-crisis/trauma age.
I'm HALF angel, half devil, actually. ...well, maybe more 70/30... just to stop me from being boring, LOL. Nah, truth is I'm just someone who doesn't believe in the concept of 'stranger' and does, like clearly do other regular advisers on here, believe in paying it forward for benefit of good Karma and healthier self-esteem. What you're demonstrating in that description is how relieved and grateful you are yet with no-one/nothing else to 'pin' it on. After all, I didn't put me here any more than you put yourself here (despite we might kid ourselves we did). It be the wind, arrr...Little leaves being blown by the wind with choice only about which way to orientate ourselves, meanwhile, that's us.
In your case it's onwards and upwards!...And keep me posted. :-)
I sure will keep you posted on my journey ty so very much :)
Good stuff. Let me know what progress you make re finding a sympathetic solicitor. I strongly advise you to make sure she specialises in Family Law, divorce in particular. You'll need a vocational one who does it as equally for the love of getting to redress injustices (and swat the nasty, underhanded w***ers of this world) as she does to earn a living, ie. one with a huge heart but whom, when crossed, turns into a lethal SHARK.
I am happy to report that I left the house I moved back in with my mom to save up money for my own place. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do and also one of the most self gratifying.
Er.. Well I'm NOT happy about it.
I mean, Kudos for having the strength of mind on that one, but, IZZY,  your first step was supposed to be visiting a solicitor, and  you and he are *married*, meaning that's half YOUR house. You were supposed to ask *him* to leave, not you and the kids leave - wrong way round! And (I think I'm still correct in saying) if you can be proven to have actually abandoned the 'Former Marital Home' rather than simply gone to your mother's on a temporary basis, you can find it very hard to get back in.
Why didn't you ask him to be the one to leave? Or rather, why didn't you wait until you'd found out about these details and more from a solicitor?
I wish I could have kept the house but it's under his name not the both of us and was purchased before we were actually married. So I'm not entiiteld to it all.
I don't give a sh*t - marital law is marital law and, unless he made you sign some pre-nuptual agreement absolving you of any ownership or share, then, not even the fact the deeds omit your name, YOU ARE CO-OWNER - not just of the house but of all his total wealth and assets as stood at the point when you and he exchanged vows and ever since (and same with yours).
DID he make you sign a pre-nup?
No but the attorney told me it would be pointless do that's why I just let it go and didn't fight it. I didn't want this to drag on and be bitter about it. I just want to start my life fresh, I feel so much lighter and happier just walking away. I spoke to him yesterday and gave him my blessing to continue his relationship with this lady. Needless to say he was in shock and thought something was wrong with me. Nothing is wrong with me for the first time in a long time I feel like I can breAth and think clearly.
Oh and no prenup was signed.
Oh, I didn't realise you yourself had already appointed a divorce attorney and were that far along.
Well, I presume s/he knows what s/he's doing on that score and that you won't end up regretting that decision. Possibly not, because I definitely can't argue about whether someone knows what they're doing or is ready to, when they're basically taking the attitude of, 'How much do I have to pay to get RID of this idiot?', that's for sure. Same goes for how much lighter and happier you feel. And the most telling of all - coming out with a one-step-further version of Whitney's insightful phrase, waiting to exhale.
One has also got to ask ones self, what kind of person would swear on their own child's life when knowingly telling a gigantic lie. Yeeeuch!, basically. Maybe this experience will be the reality-slap he needs to make him finally grow up, eh. Meanwhile - he made his bed, and now he has to lie on it.