This situation is bugging me more and more
So lets start with my story.
I was kid who passed hard stuff in life,both parents are war vetereans and have PTSD.I was bad in school and i somehow ended up in engineering school.I was always a kid who didnt fit in that type of society,never smoked,drinked,drugged myself or anything like that.I had no friends at all there.There were also no girls at all,only boys.I had low self confidence and low self esteem and they all called me gay in class,even though i never acted like one or dressed like that.So when i was 2th grade i tried masturbating to gay porn and it felt very weird and exciting.Nowadays im 18,in paying for my 4th year,and sometimes i do masturbate on gay porn.
But the problem why is not clear that im gay is because i never had conversations with girls,basically 3 years and im super scared to approach girls or anything.
How can i overcome this fear?And does really all of that make me gay even though i havent talked with girls like 3 years?
If you have the desire to find out about girls, then you need to come up with a plan to meet them. That means putting yourself out there, in groups, clubs, meetings, work, or other social situations where they may gather, even if this is just one or two other people.
Can you think of any possible activities where like-minded people might gather?
No need to make any decisions on your sexual preference yet. No, not talking to girls does not make you gay. Neither does masturbating.
Sounds like you are on the cusp of getting to know yourself better. You also come off as very bright. And you seem up to the challenge to get your needs met.
Thanks for the advices and support!But where do you see in my text that i come off very bright?
Can't speak for Susiedq, but I imagine from the way you're so aware about which precise mechanics lay behind how and why you felt, thought and acted like you did as well as the reactions you got just for being different.
If BOTH your parents were emotionally disabled by their post-traumatic stress, both of whom undoubtedly would have both emotionally and practically leant on you, you would to a large extent have had to raise and emotionally educate *yourself*. You probably couldn't afford to remain a child. That premature introduction to reality far harsher than, say, what flavour milkshake to choose and opting to still believe in Santa, and who said what to/about whom at school (all that petty stuff), would have forced you into maturity so much sooner than otherwise.
I think you're basically a grown-up trapped in a kid suit, hence why you sound like an adult already, meaning you should seek out friends who are OLDER than yourself. I think you might finally experience a click. Same goes for girls - go for a bit older than yourself.
I wouldn't worry about the gay porn. It sounds like it was simply the first material of that nature that you thought to try, due purely to all the seeming messages from other boys that you concluded must contain some truth somehow. It didn't. They just had no other insulting and cowing label they could think of when it came to trying to reprimand you for not towing the line of the herd (- safety in numbers), daring to be an individual and different.
It makes other kids very nervous and uncomfortable if you don't follow the herd because then it proves to them that THEY should probably find the balls to break free of that socially constraining, anti-self-experimental pressure, as well as cease acting like immature little idiots and face the fact it's time to start growing up and growing a brain. They can't. They daren't. They all fear getting ostracised. And so they want to stop you from presenting an example that's unflattering to them and their comparative lack of social bravery and independent-mindedness. Berbom.
It's like really fat people (those who simply eat too much whilst not shifting their a*ses nearly enough) who deliberately choose only friends that are equally obese because, of course, a *slim* friend would make them appear even fatter (and lazier) in comparison, both to others and, more upsettingly, to themselves.
It's actually nothing personal. And it's also, if you think about it, very flattering to realise that out of all the myriad and more common negative labels they could think of, all THEY could come up with was one that didn't even have any basis in truth. So all I can conclude from that is that you're of perfect height, good-looking, not in any way obnoxious or anything else that could mark you out as odd. Just this mature, calm, self-contained and self-controlled air. So the label they choose was actually about how to dissuade OTHER kids from breaking free and starting a break-off herd - with YOU: Gay...Every secretly socially-awkward boy's nightmare of a label. Thus the insult was meant for any potential dissenters more than it was you.
Girls these days tend to want the freedom and assertive control of doing all the flirting and approaching, actually. So I wouldn't worry about having to DO anything, other than, as Susie advises, getting out and about as much as possible. Finding birds of your particular feather is just a numbers game... sift/throw/sift/throw/sift/FIND AND KEEP... like a lucky dip that contains only a handful of prizes worth keeping. Just carry a faint smile and beam friendlily at anyone who locks eyes with you before then turning your attention back to whatever was holding it beforehand. That's how to fake confidence until it leads to events that make it grow for real. It'll also give you an air of slight unavailability/disinterest in dating. What a challenge to the little huntresses! LOL.. "He doesn't seem to want me! Why not - I'm BEAUTIFUL! I'll *make* him want me!". And then she'll do all the non-stop yabbering whilst you can just be a great listener (which is very attractive to talkative types) who occasionally asks questions to encourage her to go into greater detail.
In the meantime, however, your first priority is putting yourself in places where friendships will develop naturally (common interests/hobbies)...and trying out heterosexual porn. Don't go for the hard-core stuff, though, will you. It may seem like amazing fun in the moment, but too few boys have a clue what insideous, LONG-TERM, ALMOST IRREPARABLE damage - psychological, now-proven FACT! - it unknowingly and un-sensingly does to their minds meanwhile (as surfaces and causes problems in their proper, adult relationships and marriages). So to protect that clever mind of yours - your greatest lifetime asset - stick to as soft/regular as you can manage and don't confuse it with how women feel and think in real life any more than you'd believe there are real-life Claude Van Dammes out there. I'm sure you wouldn't anyway, someone as plugged-in to reality as you - just saying.
Let us know how you get on, if you like?
Soulmate,thank you,really thank you!i will talk about my process for sure!tomorrow i will make plans and actions to do something about it!THANK YOU SO MUCH!