Dating a man with children
I have recently met a man who I have been dating for a few weeks now. He is in his mid 20's and so am I. The relationship has been very good. He is almost everything I want in a man and for the first time, I started seeing a future with someone. But two days ago I found out that he has two young children from his past relationship. He was with the mother of the kids for three years and was engaged. But it turned out to an abusive relationship until she manipulated him (this is his story and of course I don't know the truth!). He finally left. He claims that the second child was without his knowledge because she used sleep deprivation to mess with his mind and have sex. I don't know how possible this is.
so whatever happened happened and he has two kids now. He claims that he has no contact with the mother except things related to the children. I snooped through his phone and found texts sent by her and true, they were very formal and his replies were often yes/no. He claims he doesn't have any feelings towards her. She has the custody of the children and he gets to see them at his parents' house every weekend for a few hours.
He says he didn't tell me before we started dating because he knew I would not even give him a chance. I feel like he was selfish and lying. Is this fair?
He says now, that so long as the fact he has kids doesn't effect us (me and him) in terms of the time we spend together (we spend every other day and most weekends together except for the few hours he goes to see them) and the money (he is financially stable and having to pay childcare doesn't influence his social life) and how much he cares for me, it doesn't matter.
I chose to stay with him but said that I will not want to marry him ever. I said I don't want to get involved in the muddle. But honestly, I love him and everything with him is perfect except for his past baggage. I don't know what to do!
Purple, you need to understand that if you truly love this man then you WILL accept his baggage, no ifs or but about it. The fact that you're here is telling you that you don't at this stage.
Yes, you're correct when you state he was selfish and lying but you need to ask yourself what compelled you to snoop through his phone because you weren't trusting him then and you were acting on your instinct. Ask yourself why you can state he's nearly everything you want in a man and then turn around and state in 'black and white' about his lying to you. Are you accepting his actions as being acceptable to you?
Take your thoughts further when you state on one hand he's almost perfect, but on the other you will never marry him. There's doubt and confusion there and it's your instinct telling you again that although your relationship with him is nearly 'there', in your eyes it never will be. Trust your instinct rather than your heart because it's your instinct that keeps you safe in situations like yours.
There is one thing that he doesn't realise when he states that his kids don't effect your time together and that's, once a parent, always a parent and he will always have that responsibility to them no matter who he's with and he needs to be upfront and honest about it from day one.
This man is insecure and he doesn't trust his ability to get on with his life to meet someone else who will accept his past without hesitation. Is this the sort of man you want and need to share your life with?
Hi I can relate to this from the other side of the fence ,I have children from a previous marriage and girls I got Chatting to would always be fine until I mentioned I had kids ,so maybe he was afraid to tell you as he was afraid to scare you off ?maybe he like myself had been previously been rejected purely because he had kids from a past relationship ?if you really like him that much it shouldn't really matter about his past (we all have one !)but what's important is what you both make of your future ,the fact that he's a parent and still makes time for his kids should demonstrate what a responsible and caring guy he is