All that work and now nothing
So at one point I was 240 lbs. I was teased and made fun of, and despite what all my friends said, I couldn't get a boyfriend until I was 18. And even then my self-esteem was awful, and it didn't help that I didn't feel like he was really attracted to me; or that he was as skinny as they come. So when I got into college I lost about 40 lbs. Now, at 180-185, I still can't feel pretty. After all that work now my breasts aren't as perky as everyone else's and my stomach still jiggles. A lot more than I want. And I've been told to accept the fact that my stomach will never be taught unless I have surgery. I wish I could; I wish I had the money to remove the excess skin and fat that exercise can't. It burns me that after all that effort, it won't change. What burns me more is that I just plain can't afford any fix. So what's the point? If I feel the same as I did then, what was the point? At least at 240 I didn't have stretch marks and my breasts were full.
And to top it off, everyone's still telling me I'm pretty. And all I can imagine is that they're saying it because they see me with my clothes on and only want to encourage a 'healthy' lifestyle. And I do feel pretty with my clothes on; beautiful even. But I look away from the mirror when I undress, and do everything in my power not to look at myself...
Sadder even after that: I KNOW my mind's wired to media, and I KNOW it's wrong and skewed. Doesn't change a bit the way I feel...
I know just how you feel. I had a baby almost 9 pounds and I only weighed 99 pounds myself (136 at baby's birth) so you can imagine what my tummy looks like. Stretch marks galore.
Some days it bothers me like crazy, other days I don't think about it.
My lover? He has never mentioned it and says he loves my tummy.
Get to your optimum weight and deal with it then.
Repeat often: I am not my body, I am not my body.
there are, relatively speaking, two different types of fat. 'healthy' fat and 'unhealthy' fat. Unhealthy fat is something that you should dislike, and I would be disappointed if I saw it in a potential partner (even though, laughably, I have unhealthy fat). healthy fat, however, is something you should not be ashamed about. Their are plenty of 180 lbs women who are extremely beautiful.
But that's irrelevant. beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You're judging yourself because you believe that your change from 240 lbs to 180 lbs was irrelevant to your life, and how other people view you. I completely disagree.
For a first, you have undoubtedly become much healthier which in turn makes you more naturally beautiful. Not to mention the affect it'll have on your health long-term. It is also clear to people that you care for your body, as the difference between healthy and unhealthy fat is extremely noticeable. I could go on, but I don't need to.
The problem you are facing is that you do not believe in your own body, or yourself. I can offer a little help. The first step would be to look at yourself when you undress. Force yourself to look, see your own body. If you always reject it whenever it presents itself, you'll always feel its inferior. After that, once you've got used to it, start being less conscious about it. The more it becomes natural for you to view your body, the less you'll feel its different or 'not worthy' so to speak. More then that i don't know.
Don't worry so much. You will, in time, find someone who truly cares about you. you, not just your body. He will see whats inside you, not just whats outside you, and accept you flaws and all. He won't be storybook, he'll have flaws and insecurities too, but that's why I love the concept of relationships so much. They were aimed to create a whole out of halves, and that's why opposite people generally have such good relationships.
REIKAMI, what country do you live in?
Ah. I'm not au fait with how the medical world works in the US. Had you been British, I'd have advised you to keep pestering your GP until you'd got it through his/her head how unhappy this state of bodily affairs was making you, so that, when factoring in your young age, meaning how this is supposed to be the time in your life when you should be most proud of your form, s/he'd finally take you seriously enough as well as take pity enough to refer you for surgery.
Certainly, here in the UK, GPs nowadays are constrained more than ever by tight budgets, meaning you have to run this secret gauntlet of proving how serious you are by keeping on and on AND ON at them. Truth persists, you see, whereas impulse is fleeting, meaning the impulse-holder tends to all-too-quickly give up and accept defeat. However, you guys don't get anything on the state, medical treatment wise, do you. Or do you now?
If not, if there's no immediate practical solution, then I'm afraid that short of saving up (e.g. asking all friends and rellies to henceforth give you birthday and Xmas gifts in the form of cash only and, say, taking a part-time evening job), you're going to have to console yourself with the following obviously overlooked or as yet unknown up-side:
You have an incentive never to sleep with a guy too early on in the relationship (which can only help where keeping him carrotted long enough for a male to get attached is concerned). Then, by the time sleeping with him *does* become appropriate, he'll be too far in-love with you to give a damn what the mere wrapping paper looks like... he'll just want the gift of finally getting to get as up-close and EMOTIONALLY intimate with you as possible. He won't care about your faults because he'll be distracted by all your PLUS points, and, anyway, those bits are just YOU and he LOVES you ergo he loves them too. In fact, he'll likely consider your so-called imperfections and the personality of yours that they help contribute to as yet another reason WHY he's in love with you. That's how smitten-ness works. Certainly, that more natural process is how it has to be allowed to work with women who even, often through no fault of their own, have Herpes or Colostomy bags.
Alternatively, maybe you SHOULD strive to put a bit of weight back on - not all the way back, but just enough to 'fill out' the creases somewhat - out of (hopefully) a newly better understanding of how love is "blind"? Trust me - most real men *love* something to get hold of - the more, the better as far as they're concerned. Indeed, my husband positively homes in on my wobbliest bits! Those are the parts that *really* turn him on. Even (like Susiedqqq) my - shock-horror - Mummy Tummy! And I know why that is: because...(drum roll)... THEY'RE AS OPPOSITE AS YOU CAN GET TO MANLINESS!...which, being healthily in touch with his animal side, is the very state a red-blooded man is programmed to find sexy.
Yes, it IS the media and fashion industry that has brainwashed women into believing the skinnier they are, the more attractive they'll be. Tosh. It's merely that if, as those who rely on fashion-based revenues, they can sell two size 8 outfits at £X as opposed to only one of size 16...well - nuff said - double the profit. Ain't rocket science, is it. Just psychological manipulation out of greed, that all those who are too lazy (or over-busy) to use their noddles buy into (literally!).
Anyway, really hope any of that helps.