This is a really complicated, long story but i am going to try to describe it as short as i can without missing the important details. I am really hurting and confused. I would be so greatful for some non-judgemental advice. Thanks.
Ok, I met my boyfriend 5 years ago. Within 1 month we started a proper relationship. I fell in love with him so uickly and like never before. I was 21 and he was 26. We did talk about our previous relationships he told me his last serious relationship was over a year before he met me. We were together about 5 months things were going so well between us and i was head over heals about him. Then all of a sudden this girl came forward and told him she was 7 months pregnant with his child. He was seeing the girl before me but it wasn't serious none the less they did have sex and she was meant to be on the pill. I was devastated. Me and my boyfriend had already talked about children and how we both would love to have kids one day when the time was right. I have always felt strongly about not wanting to get involved with a man who has kids with someone else. This may be selfish but i think children should grow up in a family with a committed mum and dad and not have half siblings/ step siblings etc. i know in reality that this rarely happens now and things don't always work out the way you plan but if it can be avoided i would rather do that. if when i first met my boyfriend i had known another girl was carrying his child i would have never have got involved with him. I think having your first child is an amazing special journey and i would want it to be my partners first time having a child too. and i wouldn't want my boyfriend to have this uniue bond with another woman and always be in contact with this other woman that he slept with. I explained this all to my boyfriend at the time and told him that i wanted to end things with him and let him be a father to the child. He told me that he loved me more than anything and did not want to loose me. He wouldnt have anything to do with the child or the girl and he told her that. He also said he couldnt be sure the child was even his anyway when they werent in a relationship. it was a difficult time for us but we stayed together. My boyfriends parents are sadly dead so he doesnt have much family apart from 1 brother , 1 auntie and 2 cousins. He told his brother and 1 of his cousins about what was going on at this time. When he made the decision not to have anything to do with this child or woman he also told them that and they told him to do whatever made him happy.
time moved on and me and my boyfriend split up 4 awhile for other reasons around june 2012. while we were split up his female cousin who knew about the baby decided to tell him that she was friends with this other woman on facebook and had seen pictures of my boyfriends daughter who was turning 2 and she told him that the daughter was the spitting image of him. My boyfriend did not make any contact with the woman or child. Me and my boyfriend got back together in March 2013. I had tried being with someone else and he had saw other girl too but neither of us were happy and we managed to work things out. Since we have got back together we have been happier than ever. although m y boyfriend did get upset that first year back together on the day of his daughters birthday and told me what his cousin had told him. I was upset by this too and asked him of he wanted to try to see his daughter he said no that he didnt but that he wanted a child with me and he was just upset because he was drinking that day.
We have been back together now 18 months and got engaged 3 months ago. I have been thinking recently that I am ready to have a child of my own and my boyfriend wants to this to. However, I went on facebook and looked at his females cousin page I found this other woman and saw pictures of my boyfriends daughter. She is a lovely looking little girl and i am sure she is lovely in person as well but i do not want her in my life. Thats not the problem. The problem is my boyfriends female cousin writes to this this woman and little girl. My boyfriends brother is also friends with her on facebook and so is my boyfriends only auntie. My boyfriend is not on facebook so he would not see any of this. Facebook is a terrible thing I know. But now I know that his only family has contact and he doesnt. This has consumed me with fear and upset. i am thinking that if we r blessed with a child that he/she will I would imagine get to see my boyfriends family and I am scared that my child will infact come across this other woman and child. I don't want things to be awkward like this and I don't want my child to ever potentially find out he/she has a half sister from someone else!!!
I decided to message my boyfriends female cousin and ask her about the other woman and child. I wasn't rude to her but explained my fears and concerns and asked if she sees the other child. I am not sure how much contact there is but I just felt i wanted to know in a form of protecting my future child if that makes sense? Then his female cousin blocked me on facebook and won't speak to me. I am totally despairing. I do not know what to do. I have cried for hours over this. I just wanted to talk to her about it and be honest. What am i supposed to do now? my boyfriend much family i didn't want to fall out. I told my boyfriend I looked on facebook and messaged his cousin he wasn't very happy about this. He told me not to look again and not to speak to his family about it again. He told me he wants me and wants a baby with me he doesn't take to do with the other child and doesn't want to take to do with other child and that should be enough for me. i am happy with that but I can't understand his cousin and i don't want things to get messy as my child grows up and I don't family fall outs.
Can someone please help me?? I have to respect my boyfriends wishes and not talk to his family anymore about it now but it is going to be so weird the next time i see his cousin. I want to sort it out talk through it with her but she won't speak to me anyway. I want to know if my boyfriends brother and auntie see the child? I am so confused. my boyfriend just wants to leave it. I know its not my family but when i have a child it will be my business too will it not?
thank you for reading, any support or advice would be much appreciated.
Break up with this guy. You don't have what it takes to be a step mom or to be generous with your love outside your own self-appointed approval boundaries, so let him go.
He needs someone who can take him and his children (if she is his child) unconditionally.
Discussion closed - why not create your own thread?