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Advice Needed - How To Get An Ex Back

Posted by
THE DARK KITE
on Nov 18 2014 at 13:56
Member since: 18 November 2014
Relationship advice forum category advice forum category Hi Everyone,

Not sure if i'm in the right forum. I’m a bit new to this but in desperate need of advice on how to get my ex back. This is a long story so be prepared.

Okay so a bit of backstory to us. We dated when we were 17 for a bit, it was nothing serious and then we parted ways. We ran into each other 4 years later and start talking, got really close and eventually got together. We were inseparable, we talked about everything we did everything together, we never fought, I’m not lying when I say we were truly in love and she was my best friend.

Things were amazing for the first two years, but then she started getting close to a guy she worked with, I never thought anything of it because she always had a lot of guy friends. Back in May she started acting really weird and depressed, when I asked her what was wrong all she did was say that she was unhappy where she worked. It got to a point where every time I seen her I had to cheer her up. One day I confronted her and asked what the real reason was because it was obvious it wasn’t work. She said the guy she had been close to (let’s call him Jim) told her that he had feelings for her. She said she was too afraid to tell me, but they weren’t talking in work now.

I asked her if there was anything else she wanted to tell me and asked her did she have feelings for him, she said no. I told her she shouldn’t have lied to me but we can get past it now that I knew what was wrong. Everything was ok for another month until she start acting weird again, I asked her what was wrong she said she thinks she has feelings for him. She said she loves me but finds it hard because he’s always around in work. Again I asked her if there was anything else she wasn’t telling me, she said no and we agreed to work past it. Another few weeks later she was acting the same again, this time she finally confessed that on the day Jim confessed his feelings for her he kissed her, but she promised she pushed him away. Then she told me that a work night out she went to the week before wasn’t a night out but a party at his place. I freaked out and told her I needed space. She kept texting saying she was sorry and upset and she wanted to see me but I ignored her.

The next week I seen her, after talking I eventually found out that she cheated on me with Jim on a night out when we weren’t talking. I broke up with her. The only problem was we had a holiday booked for two days later, I wasn’t going to go but she wanted us to go and work on things. We went, and at first it was awkward, but then it turned out to be the most amazing holiday ever, we were back to being us. When we were away we agreed that she would take a bit of space for herself, as much time as she needed and then we would work on us. Jim would be starting college again so they wouldn’t see each other in work. We got home said we loved each other and promised everything would be okay.

We kept texting and everything was great, except one day I asked how she felt about meeting up. She said she had been spending time with Jim and she was confused. She said she needed space and we stopped talking. After about a week I went onto her facebook and seen all the comments and pictures they were putting up, I took it that she was dating him now. During this time she was still sending me snap chats but I never replied out of anger.

A few weeks later I decided to go on a date, and me being the luckiest person in the world ran into my ex’s sister. Obviously when my ex heard about this she text me, all she said was she hoped things weren’t awkward for me running into her sister. We started texting again but not much not more than a couple every few days.

The other day I went on her facebook and seen she was in a relationship with Jim a week now. I text her saying that I deleted her, not out of spite or anger just because I didn’t want to see stuff about them popping up. We talked and she said she was sorry but thought I had given up on us because I never responded to her snap chats and then I was on a date. She said she misses me and hasn’t been able to take down any of our pictures. She said she wants to be friends because she misses talking to me and hanging out.

I want to get her back but I don’t know how to do this, can anyone help me or at least direct me to someone who can help?

I don’t need people saying to move on or anything I get that enough from my friends.

Thanks in Advance.

Advice Needed - How to get an ex back
Reply from
CONFUSEDWOMAN26
on Nov 18 2014 at 14:50
Member since: 18 November 2014
ok you don't want to move on is this because you know she is the 1 so to speak?

r u sure u will be able to forgive her for being with this jim? thats a lot of lies shes told you and a lot of hurt for you to move on from if you where to get back together?

you see i am actually kind of like the girl in your situation so to speak. I did this kind of thing to my boyfriend. although I didn't cheat. We split up and I got with a man from work and i was kind of back and forward for awhile, then went with this other man for awhile. My boyfriend kept trying to get me back but when he properly stopped it seemed to really have an effect on me. We didn't talk at all for a few weeks he made no contact what so ever and I actually had him blocked on facebook but because I heard nothing from him at all I unblocked him and looked at his page when I saw he was in a relationship it nearly killed me and that was the start of us getting back together. It wasn't right away but it happened. I just realised how much I really did love him.

We have been back 18 months now and our engaged :) all his friends told him to move on too but there was just something there between us but i was slower to realise it. So i dont want to tell you to give up but it wasn't easy for my boyfriend to forgive how soon I was with this lad from work and he was hurt i picked the other lad over him at 1 stage :/ thats not easy.

What i'm trying to say to you is you can't make her come back. the more you try the more it won't work. you have to let her go with this jim not talk fb anything at all really do it and really go out see other girls just try it and if you are meant to be together she will come back to you.

i'm sorry i can't give you the magic recipe i'm just trying to tell you what happened with me and my fiance.

good luck

Advice Needed - How to get an ex back
Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Nov 19 2014 at 01:41
Member since: 19 August 2014
(This ol' chestnut...)

I strongly suspect your gf hadn't priorly experienced what a relationship should feel like beyond the 18mth/2 year point before she met you, meaning, once the initial Honeymoon high began to naturally plateau, the resultant period of relaxedness struck her as a worrying sign of things having somewhat deteriorated. Either that or she's the overly high maintenance type that craves a constant level of attention? Simultaneously, you sound as if you came over as that bit TOO relaxed and laid back - this case, in the form of being strangely laissez-faire where other unattached men were concerned ("platonic-only friend" my arse, yeah, sure, aren't they always, cuh!). So I think this need to somehow recapture/increase your attention caused the idea to hatch in her mind about how to get you sitting back up to fuller attention again.

Bringing in the other man/woman at whatever stage, as a way to make a partner jealous and thereby remind them of how much you mean to them, or indeed, to readjust the power share (or in some cases as a power takeover/vulnerability shirking bid) is a very common strategy.

She commenced hinting (out of a lack of nerve about rocking the boat too much, by the sounds of it). That didn't really do the trick, you weren't that worried (which wouldn't have helped the already pessimistic situation). So then she semi-shoved this "other man" situation in your face. You under-reacted in her estimation, and then told her the issue was done and dusted (not for her, it wasn't)...aaaand went back to sleep again. So she resumed the vibes signalling followed up with (this time, an upped) confession...

"Whoops-sh*t!" - she hadn't bargained on you going from initial under-reaction to gross over-reaction... hence her desperate attempts to get you to meet up and talk, and then still wanting to go on the holiday with you DESPITE SHE AND JIM WERE SUPPOSEDLY NEWLY FALLEN IN LOVE, MEANING SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD EYES FOR ANYONE ELSE, NOT EVEN YOU, NOTE!

Jim-schmim. I reckon this one IS just a friend (probably has a long-term gf or is gay) and that she solicited his help to make you return to greater attentiveness via a lesson never to sit back and 'take her for granted' that you'd never forget.

(I mean - REALLY! Put yourself in this Jim's shoes were he really a new lover rather than pure aider-abettor. Would YOU stand for your new gf going on holiday with her only-just ex? Nope! And neither, I'm sure would Jim. Yet - NOT A PEEP, apparently...nothing to hold her back or even make her think twice and hesitate. Curiouser and curiouser, said Alice.)

But because heightened negative emotions and egos with swords at the ready now abounded on BOTH sides due to said over-reaction as begot over-reaction from her as begot over-reaction from you as got (...etc...), things from there just went downhill from already avoidably bad to inanely worse..., leaving you with this current MESS of ego pride on both sides preventing either one of you from dropping your false fronts and having a proper mutual confession and debrief FOLLOWED BY REPEAT HONEYMOON... to the point where here now you are, asking for *help* in getting back your ex. You shouldn't NEED help, a big, grown boy like you, should you. Or do you want us to help sh*g her as well? ;-p

You don't want help simply with laying your heart on the line, do you. You want to know how to do that whilst preserving your pride and hiding your full extent of feelings for her. And that's precisely WHY we get this:

"We kept texting and everything was great"

CLEARLY NOT! Maybe for you. But not from her POV.

Love and lust is what powers ones ardour as gets expressed during the chase - and this case, RE-chase - by how hard you woo and impress the woman (think Pepe Le Pew). So why is it that you profess to love her so much yet can't be bothered to keep her feeling wooed back to Gas Mark 6 for longer than 5 piddly minutes, whereupon she starts feeling neglected followed by acting up all over again (raising the stakes each time)? Are you a lazy lover, or is she too attention-expectant for you, or bit of both? Which?

Do you love her enough to re-chase her socks off in such a way as comes over as confident, bloody-minded determination and passion rather than needy, self-pitying desperation? Do you love her enough to, once re-caught, re-woo her and NOT instantly slump into an armchair the minute she makes 'happier' noises? Because at the moment, what with you trying the lazy tack of return-trying to make *her* jealous, all you're doing is creating yet *another* resentment rod for your own future back. You should be CHASING AND WOOING her, not trying to make her chase *you* (dear me!).

'Wants you and she to be friends' my arse. She just can't face coming clean at this sorry, ego-battered point. And that's the trouble with Chickenitis in the man - it eventually infects the female.

Take her fear and over-defensiveness and convert it back into confidence and hope-filled inspiration.

...Stick some hairs on your chest, march up to her front door, knock her out with impressiveness, sling her over your shoulder and back to your cave and roger the bejezuz out of her on a bed of bloody rose petals replete with sincere gushings of regret and undying love! It comes under the principle of killing with kindness (and cutting all crap). If she doesn't respond to that full-blown gesture as nature programmed her to, i.e. she tries unnecessarily to make an even greater or lengthier meal out of it in whatever way and/or seems hooked on beaming this role-fictitious Jim back down from the ruddy Starship Enterprise, then the truth about how she really feels about you/this relationship under her own false pride and over-roused ego stupidity will be clear: immature drama queen and attention-seeker looking for adulation, not lasting love.

But to me this all looks perfectly obvious: she's been the whole way through trying to provoke and manipulate you into behaving like you're far more heavily into her than always (or the majority of the time) appears... including you always resting on your laurels disturbingly prematurely again after having re-caught her.

Either [a] work hard and KEEP working hard - which is what successful relationships demand before they'll yield those even 'harder' perks (- I mean, who the 'eck told you you ever get to relax and to that degree?!), or [b] don't bother at all and wait until you *do* find a woman who drives you wild enough to keep your energy and appetite sufficiently up, OR [c] if her appetite for mutual attention is simply naturally far greater than your own and/or she can't just be vocally honest and direct enough for you, accept you're not sufficiently compatible (as in close but not quite close enough yet obviously but inches away from the real thing).

Clear?

Advice Needed - How to get an ex back
Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Nov 19 2014 at 01:47
Member since: 19 August 2014
PS: Oh yeah - "hi". (LOL)
Advice Needed - How to get an ex back
Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Nov 19 2014 at 01:53
Member since: 19 August 2014
PPS: "Feint heart never won fair maiden". Repeat it in the mirror 10 times and never ever forget it.

Discussion closed - why not create your own thread?