What to do?
Right here we go. Help! I'm 36 years old and my girlfriend is 34 soon to be 35. We don't live together yet, but we are now discussing it. I havE anxiety problems and my girlfriend is quite sensitive. Anyway, she wants a baby. She said she's 35 soon and doesn't want to leave it any longer. The trouble is even tho I love her very much, I do find her hard work. She's an amazing person, but gets very emotional a lot. She is is always getting upset with people at her work, she has fallen out with most of the people at my work too as she used to volunteer at my place. Some of it isn't her fault, some of her work colleagues are not very nice. But she is very sensitive and instead of letting it go, she makes things worse for herself by keeping the argument going on and on. And then thinking about it over and over. Then not wanting to talk to that person anymore etc etc. so after awhile wherever she works etc she starts to isolate her self from everyone and because of that people try to avoid her. Sorry I'm going on a bit here. Although I love her very much, I'm worried about this side to her. And whever I could cope with that happening where ever she goes. I don't want to have a baby with her if she is going to make me depressed. at the same time I love her very much and understand she's 34 and feeling it's time for a baby and everything else that comes with it. I really try to look after her emotionally and cuddle her and talk to her etc etc. how can I tell her I'm not ready to have a kid because im not sure if she could cope with it or if I could cope with her. Do you see what I mean? Sorry, I'm crap at writing. I'm so confused right now
Hi, the first thing I'd like to address is whether you have discussed this with her. The biggest thing that makes or breaks a relationship is honesty simply because secrets, whether for good intentions or not, only cause problems. A person cannot fix themselves if no-one tells them what's broken.
To be honest, I would suggest to simply talk to her straight up. Tell her how you feel. I don't recommend, however, suggesting that its a problem that she needs to fix. She could react very badly to this, and most likely will since as you have said she is very sensitive.
Most sensitive people are sensitive because of insecurity, I speak from experience her. I am a very insecure person, so I used to react a lot when i was younger to things my family said. I'd get upset at them, accuse them of being nasty to me. Over time, and with the help of my mum, I came to understand that it wasn't people around me, but rather myself that was judging me. I learned to accept this part of me and while it still exists to this day, I make sure it doesn't affect anything outside of my mentality.
I find that most people with this problem, in some form or another, find a medium to repress it. Hypothetically, I'd say that your girlfriend hasn't realised that the judgement she's experiencing is coming from within herself and hasn't ever found a way to repress it.
However, I have no idea of the state of mind of your girlfriend, nor have i ever seen her or seen how she becomes when she gets emotional. What I suggested is a possibility, rather then a fact. What I am suggesting is for you and your girlfriend to see a psychologist, or some form of them. They should be able to determine why she is so sensitive and help her, or if there is nothing wrong with her then they can help her learn to control her emotions.
If you do decide to go see a psychologist, there's a couple of things I'd like to suggest.
a) search whoever you are given, or choose. If people are unhappy with their experience, they will likely complain on the internet rather then another form of medium if the psychologist is bad. No-one wants to discuss their psychologist without being anonymous.
b) I would recommend taking no medication no matter what they tell you, whether it helps or not.
My personal belief is that medication is a terrible terrible way to deal with your problems. It's a temporary solution that makes the long-term problem worse, personally this is me and my problem with my depression. Sure, there are plenty of medications I can take to help me feel 'happier', however this happiness is superficial and I have no desire for it. The problem won't go away, its chronic depression, So by dealing with it myself I can be absolutely certain about my life. I suppose I'm not explaining myself, but medication can create a long-term problem out of a short-term one, because it is only meant to be a short-term solution.
For example, there is a kid who saw a bad psychologist after a terrible event happened to him, he was prescribed anti-depressants for two years.
He stopped getting worse, but he also stopped getting better. Eventually his mother sought advice from another psychologist who immediately told her to take him off the anti-depressants. He'd become dependent, the anti-depressants weren't a fix but rather an inhibitor, it caused him to quite literally be stationary in his life. He lost two years of his childhood because of the medication he was prescribed. Not to mention that his dependency on the drug caused him to have drug-addict 'episodes' after it was removed from his life. As far as I know, he is still recovering and it has been many months since hes been taken off.
But I digress, there is probably be nothing wrong with your girlfriend. She's probably just a highly emotional person, however the psychologist should be able to help you either way. I believe this would be the best way to deal with what you're facing. This goes beyond whether you believe you can have a child with her or not, this is about helping her. She would have to be lonely if she pushes everyone new away and trust me, loneliness is one of the most painful things in the world.
How about a puppy or a nice kitty cat?
But a baby, no way.
Be firm that you cannot help her in this area. YOU are not ready and YOU don't want to be a father. Make sure you protect yourself so there's no surprises here.
She would not be the first person who had a baby to make her feel better. But that's no reason to bring a child into the world.
Help direct this "need" into another direction . . .