Where to start? At the beginning I suppose. I moved to a tiny town in the middle of Scotland almost a year ago now, to share a flat with my friend who had found a job locally. It was on the first day that I met her. Thinking about it makes me sad, how I would do things differently given what I know now.
She was a friend of my flat mate who I'd just moved in with, and we took a walk around the nearby loch that evening with a group of others. I remember thinking she was loud and rude at the time. Her unkempt tangle of red hair and small stature completed my picture of her as quite aggressive with a fiery temper. She didn't care to talk to me at all and seemed to avoid me. I had a nice chat with her housemate though, we seemed to spark together quite well. It was a cold April evening and she had not brought her jacket, I lent her mine.
I saw her a few times over the next week or so. I was more interested in her housemate, but alas, she had a boyfriend. I didn't consider this red headed tangle mess thing.
We went on quite regular outings with friends and I got to know her a little better over time. We'd go rock climbing and hang out together at each other's houses. She lives only a minute's walk away in the next street, so it was quite easy.
I'm quite a silly guy sometimes with a goofy sense of humour. I'd mess around with the girl and found she had a similar goofy side once you got to know her. She was actually quite fun.
After a little while I landed a job at the kid's club where she worked, we'd work together, fool around and be silly and flirt quite a bit as well. This carried on for quite some time and she seemed to enjoy it and responded to it. All the while I was thinking about her more and trying to find the right time to ask her out. There never seemed to be a right time.
I found out from a friend that she may not have had a serious boyfriend before and perhaps had never been with a man before. I've had the odd girlfriend here and there, but I tend to be a little bit quiet most of the time which has an effect. She's 27 and I'm 31.
We started to go on little 'dates' together (at least I think they were, nothing was expressed explicitly and I couldn't bring myself to tell her how I felt) and we'd swing from over the top juvenile flirting to awkward shyness and repressed guilty glances at each other. This seemed to go on for ages. I was also a bit confused about the signals she was sending at times. Hot and cold, anybody else get that?
There was a little bit of friction between us at work one day and I felt a bit pissed off with her for a while. I probably shouldn't have been. But at her housemates birthday BBQ I ended up paying most of my attention to her housemate instead. I could see she was trying to talk to me and have fun but I was being a total idiot.
A few days later I woke up one morning and decided out of the blue to tell her. I don't know why that morning, it just all came clear I suppose. I wrote her a message and sent it off. It went along the lines of 'Er, I think I like, err... I like you... or something' or something like that anyway. It sounded crap whatever it was.
It came back no.
We don't flirt so much any more, I stop when I find myself doing it. I was ok for the first month or so after she said no, I just didn't think that much about it. But it started to kick in a bit more recently. Crying and stuff. Feeling a bit lonely. I know she's only in the next street and I can see her house from my window and it breaks my heart sometimes. She must be as lonely as I am sitting there in that house, what's the point? What's wrong with us?
I'm spending quite a lot of time in the gym to focus my energy on something else, I've put on a lot more size. I don't know what she thinks of this, probably thinks I'm insane or something. It's just something to do. I've bought some anabolic steroids to help progress with the weights, I know if I was with her I probably wouldn't consider something like that. It's like I don't care any more.
You said: "'Er, I think I like, err... I like you... or something' or something like that anyway. It sounded crap whatever it was. It came back no."
Is that your best recollection? See if you can explain exactly what you said. In any case, you folded up like a cheap tent. Why?
The behavior at the BBQ might have done you in. (Plus, the very next day you profess "something" to her? (still trying to understand that one out)
Why don't you call her and ask to start over; take her out for coffee and confess that you acted like an inconsistent, inconsiderate nitwit and would she consider starting over again.
Ur jst acting like a kid....displayin to her dat u dnt really care abt her...better apologise to her nd tlk tinz thru wt her