Need advice to win my girlfriends heart again
Hi, I am a 16 year old guy and my (ex?) girlfriend is 19. We've been dating a little over 13 months and we were crazy for each other a few months before we started dating. However, about a month or so ago my girlfriend got a job as a waiter and things had been going downhill from there. We started becoming more distant from each other and soon we realized that something had to be changed. We talked less than a week ago about things we can change to help make this relationship work. One big part of the talks were that the relationship has plateaued and become stale and boring.
Today, my girlfriend came over and we talked and she told me that she doesn't feel the same way anymore. For example she doesn't get excited anymore when she sees texts from me, and subconsciously I am no longer her top priority, as she would rather spend time with friends than me. She said that it's not fair for me because she is my top priority, but I'm not hers. She said that she likes spending time with me and hanging out with me, but when we do it's more of a "friend" feeling than a "girlfriend" feeling. She believes this is because the spark isn't there anymore, and when I asked if she wanted it to be there she responded with that she wasn't sure. I then asked if there was anything I could do to maybe help recreate this spark in our relationship, but she said that she doesn't think there is and that she needs a couple of weeks to figure out what she wants.
At this point, I'm already feeling desperate and I ask her what we were gonna do for the next couple of weeks. She said that we should just try to be normal and she can figure out what she wants. At this point, I ask her if it would be easier for her to figure that out if I gave her space and she thought that was a good idea. Therefore, starting today we are on a "break" and we scheduled to meet in two weeks.
After spending the night thinking over our conversation, I realized that we may have lost the spark because my life in general has become so bland. When I'm not spending time with her I am either at school, watching Netflix or playing video games. Her on the other hand is always busy with work and hanging out with her friends. In addition, I haven't done anything romantic or surprised her at all in a long time. Most of the time we had spent together the past month was just watching Netflix. I wish I could tell her all this but we agreed on no contact. I know I've done wrong in the past by being boring in general, but during the talk today, was deciding on a break the right decision in terms of being most likely to get her back? If not, what are some steps I can take from here that can increase my chances?
One last thing, she tutors my little sister on Saturdays, should I/would it be okay if I wrote her a letter telling her the things in the paragraph above and have my sister give it to her? Please help me, I love this girl with all my heart, thank you!
She needs to find her feelings for you by herself, so the letter may prevent her from doing this. but some cute romantic gestures won't harm, like sending a rose or chocolates.. but you can send them after waiting for a while, because as i said, you need to get her miss you.
you are really intelligent and sensible in such a young age, because you could identify the problems in your relationship where most of the time the adults fail to do.
spark is something that can't be re-ignited by only one individual's effort. but you can surely surprise her with cute gestures that can make her happy.
but please don't be so disheartened if it doesn't work, you have your whole life ahead.
OR . . . you can allow this love affair to drift away, (because that's what she has told you is happening) because she is moving into another world as a 19 year old gal.
This is called "letting go" and it has already started to happen.
Be thankful for this experience and look forward to the future. There are hundreds of 16 year old girls who would love to get to know you.
She's only 19 (and, mentally, so are you by the sounds of it). But you're still both just starting out, meaning the root problem underlying all of this is that neither of you are ready in the practical experience/status sense, for taking the next series of steps in the pairbonding process (unlike people of marriageable age): getting engaged, moving in together then marrying, then having kids...
In everything we do, we're motivated by one of the fundamental drives, namely ambition. It even gets applied to our romantic relationships. With nowhere for yours to go (other than left or right, both of which lead nowhere) because Up isn't open yet, it's started to feel stymied and pointless and hence she's redirecting her sense of ambitiousness into her work and social lives (meaning *they're* taking off instead). All you've really done by having failed to be the life and soul of the party, is speed up that journey to the natural dead-end where otherwise the relationship might have lasted another 6 months or year.
Saying that - straight up, vertically, is not the only direction, there's *diagonally* up. You indeed *could* spice things up - by introducing something that warrants and harnesses ambitiousness from *outside* of the relationship... something that calls for ongoing progress AS A TWO-PERSON TEAM (rather than a one-off, short-lived event like a weekend away or her experiencing what loss of you feels like, as can both too quickly lose their novelty and effect with repetition)... something you can't do as an individual and that makes you both want and need to stick at it. I'm thinking some sort of fun and exciting dance class course like Ceroc or Salsa or even a two-player sport, like doubles tennis or ice-skating dance pairs - whatever involves progressing and ways to show for it (competitions, tournaments, trophies/money prizes and moving up the leagues table) as well as which would plonk the pair of you basically into exploring a whole new world *together* whereby you and this world get inextricably mentally associated in each other's minds as being one and the same thing.
Think Torville and Dean and imagine if they HAD been childhood sweethearts. Nuff said.
It might be a case of too little too late for suggesting such a thing and expecting a yes, so I think your best bet would be to allow her to get a little taste of what life completely and utterly devoid of you feels like (like you've died) - in the hope that, not being ready to actually END this relationship, she'll naturally be drawn back to you - *followed swiftly* by the above tack.
She'll probably be EXPECTING you to break the no-contact embargo. Course she will - think about it. So do the opposite: NOT ONE, SINGLE, TINY PEEP. And if she calls round on a whim during this period, either pretend not to be in or actually genuinely be out. Her ego won't like that ONE LITTLE BIT ("because he said he LOVES me so why isn't this separation UNBEARABLE for him, why isn't he ringing my phone off the hook, what the UCK?!"), yet it won't have a whingingly resentful and insulted leg to stand on because you're just doing what you said you would and was agreed on, are you not.
Nerves of steel and an expectedly counter signal. TRES impressive and intruiging, ah oui!
In other words, it not sounding like there's anything wrong with the actual sense of attachment between you - hook her by the ego and then quick as a flash reposition that hook into her ambition drive and - voila - relationship suddenly has a new direction to go in.
Obviously, there's always a slim chance she might NOT miss you compared to how free and relieved she feels...it all depends on how far into Done territory she's more truthfully stood. But if that turns out to have been the case then it's simply Fate/Nature telling you you're ready for the next relationship, the automatic upgrade.