He loves me, but doesn't think I'm beautiful
Hello. I am writing this because i honestly don't know what to think about the situation I am in. I have been dating a guy for a year now, and about 4 months ago he admitted to me that he did not find me beautiful. there is no question that he is sexually attracted to me, and he thinks I have a pretty body, but he cannot make me feel beautiful because he doesn't see me as beautiful. I know that he really cares about me, and values plenty of other qualities i possess. I also know that beauty is ephemeral, and goes beyond the physical. but being considered beautiful by my boyfriend is quite important to me.
I have become increasingly insecure and jealous. I do not have the highest self esteem to begin with, and I find myself feeling very unattractive, despite having a great-looking boyfriend and an active sex life. I get jealous just by seeing him look at girls I know he finds more attractive than myself, and have trouble not being threatened by his relationships with female friends. This is the first relationship in which I experience this... none of my other boyfriends have had any trouble telling me that I am beautiful, and despite my low self esteem, I know that they meant it.
How do I make peace with this unromantic reality? do I just give up on a love that I truly believe is real, just because he can't tell me I am beautiful? (he knows how I feel, we have discussed it openly many times. He has told me that he does not think he will be able to change the way he sees me, and that he is sorry he doesn't find me as beautiful as other men)
"...give up ... just because he can't tell me I am beautiful?"
"This is the first relationship in which I experience this... none of my other boyfriends have had any trouble telling me that I am beautiful."
You ARE beautiful! And you value being with someone who knows you are and who expresses it.
This guy isn't that great. He sounds immature and a little mean. Go find someone who appreciates you and enjoys making you feel special.
I presume he's not thick as pig-sh*t in terms of not knowing even the BASICS about how women think and feel, nor is the type of ham-fisted clod who tends to insult everyone wherever he goes, so... I'm sorry to say it appears he's trying to tell you he likes you and fancies you and likes going out with you, but isn't in-love with you nor thinks he ever will be.
Either that or he's lately too frequently pissed off with you thus wanting to surreptitiously aim (childishly vindictive) little missiles at you in response, meaning that comment and all other similar messages are deliberate LIES (- have you been fighting a lot considering 4 months ago - Month 8 - you'd have naturally entered the Power Struggle phase)?
This is definitely passive-aggressive behaviour, though. You also know it's not the sort of thing a man in love would FEEL INCLINED to say, let alone say...unless he was a self-saboteur to the point of downright suicidal, of course.
You clearly already know this, hence why you're basically asking, is this normal or even excusable.
I don't think the majority of women who know experientially/instinctually (or both) what a man in-love sounds and acts like would take all of this as an encouraging sign to continue dating this particular man, no. If a man loves you - AND where that love isn't outweighed thus blocked/warped by fear of vulnerability or reluctance to commit - i.e. *can* love you and *enough* for the relationship to be considered healthily viable - he tends to be incapable of not finding every little bit of you overwhelmingly appealing and, equally, can't HELP but gush those opinions at every available opportunity (or after the year mark, still fairly regularly).
You KNOW this already.
So is he deliberately trying to pull you down a peg or two *permanently* as a concerted campaign, or have all these digs happened on the back of any/all fights?
Not that I condone this underhanded negative behaviour just because the two of you have fought, mind. But at least it would help to identify where exactly he's coming from.
Ever see the movie, "Shallow Hal"?
Watch hit with him.
LOL! You do make me chuckle, Susie.
PS: love the Freudian slip.
Im not sure I heard anything underhanded in what you said. Was he being honest or hurtful? You are the best judge in this.
Do you know what he considers beauty to be? Does he have a warped sense of beauty from tv and magazines and you have to look like a celebrity to get told you are beautiful? If so, he has problems that you shouldn't let affect your self worth.
If not, then I would be concerned about your relationship long term. When you really love someone, there's no one who can 'light a candle' to them. You should be made not only to feel beautiful, but the most beautiful woman in the world. Maybe this guy just doesn't love you as much as you think he does.