Christian with a gay crush
I'm a guy and have a huge crush on another guy I met here in college. He is so smart, funny, athletic, and not to mention beautiful. Every time I am with him, I feel so happy. Every time my phone rings, I hope its him. I know I really like him and it all started about a month ago when we met playing volleyball with friends. I thought he was really attractive but didn't think anything of it, since I have never been with another guy before and never planned to be either. After exchanging numbers, we saw each other a lot over the next couple weeks. We ended up playing on the same intramural team for volleyball and made an effort to see each other often whether it was for eating, studying, playing, exercising, or just watching tv. I thought he was straight since we both talked about exes and future plans with women. However, he ended up texting me one day and told me that he had lied and had felt bad about it. He was gay and wanted to come clean to build our friendship on honesty. He assured me that he was not attracted to me. I told him, it was fine, but didn't mention I was attracted to him (I was). As time progressed I noticed our chemistry building and him getting closer to me. He lied. He liked me a lot and would flirt with me every chance he could and finally admitted it. We started acting less friendly and more romantic and so finally, I told him. And here lies the biggest problem:
One late night, we lied on a hammock outside and looked at the stars. I told him how much I realy liked him too, but that we could never be together. I have never admitted to anyone that I have gay tendencies until this moment. I am Christian, and believe in what the bible says, that the act of homosexuality is a sin, and all sin without repentance and forgiveness leads to condemnation to hell and separation from a true relationship with God. I do not think it is wrong to be attracted to the same gender. The feeling is not bad. It is the action that is bad. We talked a lot and opened up a lot to each other. We lied there together watching the shooting stars that were coloring the sky and agreed to be friends, even if it was hard for both of us. Before leaving we hugged for the first time, and for a long time. It felt so good, and made both of us so sad at the same time.
As we started spending more time with each other, we watched our distance and finally started learning to appreciate each other just as friends. He has been changing a lot since I met him. Curinsg less, drinking less, and studying more. The problem came when one night we watched tv at his place. We were both tired and lied down together to watch tv on his lap top. He started caressing my hand and leg, and I couldn't say no because it felt so amazing to be so close to him (it was a twin sized bed). Finally the inevitable happened and we kissed. We cuddled for hours and eventually fell asleep together. The same happened the next night. On the third night, things went further and we had oral sex. He tries to respect me so much and is so sweet to me and I try to be the same towards him too. After every night we fell asleep together and told each other how happy we made each other.
I love being with him and it sucks that it has to be a secret. It sucks more, that my beliefs and feelings are tearing me apart. We were praying together and I was teaching him about the bible but after sleeping with him, I feel like I cannot be a good example for him. I feel like a hypocrite, telling him that I can't be with him because it is wrong and then indulging in the behavior I said I rejected. I feel like he feels like he can convince me to do anything since I don't stick by my word. I also feel like that has turned him off a little. After the third night I slept at his place, we have hung out a lot but haven't remotely touched each other or flirted again. I feel like he is losing romantic interest and it hurts. I wish he would look for me more. But I know that it was my decision to say no to him when he told me he liked me, but it doesn't seem to compensate for what I am feeling. We have not even talked about those nights we had even though we hang out every day and it has been a week. I don't know whether to confront him or not about how I am feeling and attempt to define the type of relationship we are going for. This would mean I would continue to feel far from God (I have stopped praying and reading my bible since I have chosen to romantically feel for this guy... I don't believe I can do both). Or should I just let it go, reconstruct my relationship with God, and just stay friends? I want to be with him, but it's against my religion. Also since he is a foreign exchange student, he is only going to be here for 9 more months anyways. But I feel like I just CANT be only friends with him. I want something more at the same time.
I'm not even out of the closet, because I don't want to accept this for myself, but meeting him has changed everything. What should I do????
I would hazard a guess it's not your so-called religious hypocracy that's turning him off, more the fact that your feelings for him aren't strong enough to conquer your beliefs as is leaving him feeling rejected and frustrated.
You clearly *don't* believe the bible - not really - because, let's be real here: if a person thought an act carried such a huge magnitude of eventual terror-inducing, never-ending punishment, they wouldn't/couldn't commit the act. Maybe there's a part of your psyche that instinctively knows that this (let's face it) man-made opinion based on human literal interpretation of things allegedly written during what evidence has proven was a highly superstitious (and politically dangerous) time, is a total misinterpretation?
Knowing what a fine line there is between genders (proven fact), I personally think it makes zero sense to suppose any god would frown on, let alone condemn, any act of LOVE (as counter-balances all the evil going on) that harms neither the protagonists nor any bystanders, innocent or otherwise (save maybe for their egos, temporarily). So where, logically, is the crime against humanity? This world is worryingly over-populated for starters. We can't even FEED a huge proportion of them. Just as well, I say, that some people possess a sexual orientation that doesn't naturally lead to self-replication.
I suggest you read 'Jesus The Man' by world-famous historian, theologian and biblical exegete (and ex-nun), Dr Barbara Thiering, because in it she explains - *with* substantiation - how many of the scriptures and recordings of Jesus's miracles were non-supernatural events but which, due to said politically dangerous times, had to be reported under cover of such via mere stories containing myriad cultural codewords and euphemisms which, ever since, have (stupidly) been taken literally (usually for crowd control agenda purposes).
You were given your brain and intellect, with its remit both standard and potential, in order to think, calculate and believe FOR YOURSELF, using a mixture of instincts and environmentally-based judgements, not to automatically swallow what other people choose to believe and imbue into others for whatever reasons of their own or the majority's. Huge clue, Scooby!
How DARE humans be so outrageously arrogant as to on the one hand insist there's some universal intelligence out there that by his/its definition must operate on a level far beyond our own capability of understanding or even conceptualisation, yet on the other suggest to have even ONE CLUE about what it's attitudes, aims and agendas might be? ERROR - DOES NOT COMPUTE. This is a contradiction so far that even a toddler could grasp it (would anyone allow him/her in the first place).
Do you believe and worship in a god or in other mere human beings who poo and fart same as you and haven't a clue any more than you do? Then let *him/it* tell or guide you!
How is that not too laughably easy to accept by anyone with even an average IQ?
I'm not religious but I'm deeply spiritual. I've been noticing and charting "Fate's" movements from a *very* young age (am gobsmackingly macro and micro patterns-sensitive) and thereby KNOW that what goes around comes around - and within ones lifetime here on earth - along with the observed phenomenon of how one tends to get given pertinent signs of encouragement, neutrality or warning before one even takes action. If "the Pope" has some special hotline to God and his will, then SO MUST YOU. So must every human. Or what - they'd have us believe that God can't cope and needs to delegate? Pff!
Anyway, I thought God was supposed to be forgiving? (I do wish religious so-called teachers would make their bleedin' minds up.) What's to forgive if you abstain? How can you make the decision to abstain without IRREFUTABLE proof of the act being a crime, especially when, as I say, the so-called crime can't actually hurt any third parties and there's no crystal-clear deterrent posed by homosexuals everywhere dropping like flies? Oh, what - AIDS? Who needs pithy round-the-houses punishments when supposedly one has famine, floods, plagues and bolts of lightning?
I say, try it, Sam-I-Am. If you get struck by a bolt of lightning or your life suddenly starts turning to sh*t (or even seems headed in that direction) then by all means take the hint and cease.
Faith like anything is open to being put to the TEST. Who was it gave humankind that very ability in the first place? Um...let me think now, it's on the tip of my tongue...
As far as I can tell, there's a crime going on RIGHT NOW, and it's called, someone who intends no harm to any other person on this planet is right here, right now being PSYCHOLOGICALLY TORTURED.
You're not a criminal, mate, you're a victim.
Just my educated opinion which, if you're meant to take, you at some point will, and if not, at some point won't. Berbom.
Maybe I - someone whom her whole life endeavours a heck of a lot more than most as far as she can too-copiously see to never put a foot wrong wherever wrong is even MARGINALLY defined in any way - was sent to collide with you on this forum? There's a thought, eh, Scoob ol' pal.
Oh, and PS (yep, you got me started, LOL):
Who wired you that way in the first place?
Ah, so the wholly powerful God makes *mistakes* or does things for zero reason, now, does he?
He's omnipotent. No, he's actually human. No, wait, he's omnipotent. No, er, wait, he's.... oh, I'm so CONFUUUUUUSED. [rolls eyes that someone gave her to roll]
You are not unlike many other people who post here who - because of cultural or religious pressure - are being forced to choose between love and their religion.
You CAN have it both ways. You need to find a church that is open and accepting of people, no matter their sexual orientation, color, creed . . . etc. etc.(you know the drill . . .)
Universalist Unitarian comes to mind. There are other christian churches who don't believe that Christ was against any kind of love. (Heck, he ran around with 12 other men and never married, according to the bible. What was THAT all about?)
Come on - stop being so literal and rigid in your faith.
[round of applause!]
Hey hey hey. Lets not be so anti-Christian please! Just because you see a guy in pain is no reason to disparage his beliefs, they OBVIOUSLY matter to him and hundreds of kids have sex or sexual experiences because hormonal urges can make them forget whether its a good idea or not.
I have no idea how you feel and I'm not going to pretend to, but your story breaks my heart to read. I had a friend who had this problem, except she is a lesbian, and I was there for her through her emotional struggle. I supported her in coming out, I supported her with breaking up with her girlfriend and was still there for her when she went back. It's between you and God how you choose to handle it, no-one should tell you what to believe.
The only reason we are no longer close friends is because her personality changed after she started dating this girl, she became racist and harsh, no longer like the girl I used to know, she didn't even respond to our wedding invite. I know she still likes me but I struggle to be around her when she is so negative and doesn't listen to me trying to reason with her when she is racist for no reason.
My point was to tell you my experience with this and to say that the biggest problem I see here is that you are struggling alone with this, you need to tell either someone who loves you unconditionally or a counsellor who will listen without judging.
Sex feels good at the time, regardless of whether that person is right for you. Just read through this forum! Many people are or have been emotionally attached to someone and that easily leads to wanting to get physical with them and/or not wanting to break up even when they need to. Saying you dont want to get physical and then getting physical anyway is a common problem for young people, you arent the first or the last.
Ive dated guys that I felt I just couldn't be without, but thank God they broke up with me, I got over them and I'm much happier without them. At the time I just didn't see that I could be happy without them. Im not saying this to disparage your feelings, I'm just saying this because this is your first 'relationship' with a guy. Its not fair to either of you to let emotions rule while you have other inner turmoil to deal with. Id say this to anyone, even straight people, if there were other issues. It makes your relationship so much more complex and its better to go into a relationship knowing what you want for sure.
I think the immediate issue is your beliefs. Maybe you need a little space from this guy, not to stop being friends or anything like that, just time to pray and to tell God about what you're going through!I'd advise any Christian to find space if they had stopped talking to their Dad.
You need to be okay with what you decide to do, if you truly believe homosexual acts are wrong then you need to be okay with that or you will find yourself in this turmoil again. You will need strong boundaries that cannot be crossed and you will leave the situation completely if you are tempted to allow them to be crossed. That it is how I managed to stay a virgin. My faith was strong in that, but it wasnt easy and I was prepared for that, sometimes I slipped a little. God knows I'm not perfect and I repented and started back at square one, accepting that I was forgiven and more aware of where my boundaries were and more protective of them.
Homosexuality is a very disputed issue and I wish it were easy but with counselling/talking, reading the bible and a heck of a lot of prayer I believe you will understand what you need to do. I am praying for you brother. Your Dad loves you.
When you get ready to shed your hair shirt, look for an "inclusive" church. I believe that this includes some Methodist churches and for sure, some independent non denominational ones that welcome everyone - just like Christ did.
No-one disparaged his beliefs, CB, let alone expressed anti-Christianity (plus *I alone* will do the 'hey-heying' around here where concerns upholding board rules and etiquettes, thanks all the same). Myself and Susiedqqq simply - in the context of how they might affect or dictate this present issue-led decision of his - held them up for questioning, which, *as* mere beliefs rather than indisputable facts, they're open to by anyone.
Hey there! I have read what you have said and sorry I am a little late in replying! Sorry for it being long. My response is from the Christian perspective. I know my response will not sit well with everyone and what they want to hear but I will say it anyway in case you find a grain of salt in what I am saying
I am a Christian and I completely understand where you are coming from. I to a degree can understand this kind of temptation and confusing feelings. But that is what temptation is, to do something opposite to what god wants. I rejected these thoughts and feelings and asked god for help because I only wanted to live the life of a servant of his. As for the feelings, they passed. I see this person now as only a friend. Praise be god who delivers every soul who opens up and cries to him for his mercy and help. No doubt when we start entertaining these temptations and dwelling on these thoughts and feelings these unseen things turning seen things, they soon becomes our actions. As you have said it escalated quickly to the point where oral sex happened. I see at the bottom of your post you said should I choose to reconstruct the relationship between god or this friend. Now because this is over the net I’m assuming you are a guy meaning you aren’t part female or anything like that which leaves a grey area but are a complete guy experiencing this? Well the question is who do you love more? Choose god. Friend you already know our views on the subject of homosexuality.
This life is temporary, the pleasures of it are temporary, as you have said this person will be gone in x amount of months. Nothing in this world can take away gods internal joy he places in his people, not even death, prosecution, sickness, absolutely nothing. God is the only one you can really depend on as people will fail all the time. Read 1 peter 2:11 Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul. God is eternal. In my opinion to be without god is for me is like someone not carrying any insurance. As it says remember death, fear god, keep your eyes on the prize and run the race. Do not let your hearts be swayed. Remember that there is an eternal life in our Christian religion. Remember that god came to take away sin, this does not mean that we are free to do what we like but to do what we ought. I believe actions louder than words and putting god words into action has a more profound effect when trying to help and guide people in the Christian religion. That is the life of humans we struggle with our passions but those who choose gods way and ask for his help are rewarded both in this life and in the life to come. Fear god and do not sin. Easier said than done but friend not impossible.
I hope that we can always remember that being a Christian should not be an outward appearance as its easy to fall into this, but a matter of your heart, that is what god sees and judges people by. Gods sees the heart of all people and I have failed him many times due to this. I hope you understand what I am saying and make the right decision. Thank you.
This scripture really puts a pang in the heart and makes me question myself all the time:
“Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God”
"But that is what temptation is, to do something opposite to what god wants."
I don't have a problem with the OP hearing both sides of an argument so that his conscience + intellect can make the right decision, but what I do have a problem with is illogical and/or less than optimally intelligent and/or subtly contrived points.
No, temptation is NOT a feeling geared solely and exclusively towards compelling the protagonist into doing whatever god *prohibits*. It's an urge, not an intention. It is also an urge to do GOODLY things. The Good Samaritan was tempted to help the beggar. He gave into that temptation and acted accordingly. By your argument, his yielding automatically made him a sinner! (Oh, really?)
An urge aka temptation is a set of emotions as spur one via the discomfiting psycho-physiological sensation they collectively produce into executing an action within the environment in order to quell or dispell the sensation. You're confusing temptation/urge itself with its underlying component - the god-given intelligence-based capability to discern whether the consequence(s) of an action/chain of actions as triggered and spurred by the urge will produce a good/saintly or bad/evil outcome, called INTENTION/AIM.
What does the act intend/aim to ultimately achieve? Something good/productive or something bad/non- or mal-productive?
And who/what in the first place helps define good -v- bad when it comes to intentions/ultimate achievements?
*Nature* - God's original input and feedback signals-transmitter - dictates what is 'good' or 'evil'. Or so evidence has always shown. This it does by its responses/reactions (that we are designed to 'read') ALL OVER the shop. It's called, continuation of the pack-based specie including its calibre. And pack-living demands co-cooperation, working towards the greater good. Anything that ultimately jeopardises this specie's continuation or detriments its good quality is therefore non-cooperative aka bad/evil. Anything that ultimately upholds its continuation either directly or by usefully putting paid to some other problem it suffers is therefore cooperative aka good/saintly.
...like NOT adding to the ongoing, serious over-planetary-population issue. (Do you have any idea how specie- and planet-hazardous over-population is?)
Homosexuality - in terms of results, an opting-out of natural, relationship-byproductive reproduction via pairing up with a same-sex mate - has been on the increase. So has over-population, which preceded it. Chicken produces egg. Egg replaces and renews the world status-quo. Population declines. The chances of specie survival enters safe territory once more.
Unless god WANTS our specie to self-annihilate (when all the signs say not) - homosexuality, logically, is GOOD because it is apparently one of Nature's way of redressing an imbalance.
Buddy, for all you know, you - courtesy of your past, subjective, unilateral decision, itself borne from a lack of understanding about context - possibly ignored a good temptation to help remedy a bad/non-productive world problem (and, in the process, denied yourself its reward/reinforcement in the form of psychologically feeling more validated and alive than singletons or people pairbonded with the wrong type or gender of partner...and happy people are much more apt to do good than unhappy people (again, so evidence says)).
And now you'd have ELIJAHG527 and any others with his dilemma do the same.
PS: Aramaic / New Living / New American / Holman / International Standard / NET / Jubilee / Douay-Rhaimes / Weymouth / Youngs, etc., etc., Bibles:
"Beloved, I beg of you, as [wayfarers] and as [foreigners], depart from all these desires of the body ***that*** make war against the soul..."
Logical deduction: ...but not the ones that don't!
Yes, actions certainly do speak louder than words. By having posted out of bias only one of a whole multitude of versions of that verse - the King James one that via the word 'which' followed by a comma, seems to uphold your chosen stance (and no matter that others choose to share this subjective interpretation) - yet having failed to mention the fact that other variations exist and the difference in meaning they present - you have tried to unfairly influence a poster's opinion and decision, i.e. an outcome. Was that by any chance a temptation you just couldn't resist? Well, I'm therefore not so sure your insurance policy is as valid as you merely think it is. So my advice to you would be to from now on try to mentally delve under outward appearances - including written interpretations - much more deeply. ALL of your intellect, not just a portion of it. After all, did Jesus only *partly* go through that whole Garden of Gethsemane ordeal, thereafter only *partly* enduring crucifixion? If he can go the whole hog then surely the least you can do is give his and his apostles' teachings proper, longer thought?
Hi soul mate! Thanks for the reply and opinion
I’m sorry as I am maybe not as well-spoken as you are but will try my best to respond. Yes I am aware about over population and things of that nature. I may not have made myself clear on the way in which I phrased temptation. Yes temptation is an urge to do something either positive or negative. In context of the bible though temptation is referred to many times as urges or an offer by evil as it will to do something opposite to what god wants. Now that is not to say one can be tempted to do good, that technically itself is correct also. Now regarding who defines good and bad in the first place, in the Christian religion it is god who has given us commands, enlightenment and laws in which to teach us how to act and live by and to separate what is good from evil . I am also aware of the issue of overpopulation but that does not excuse the act of homosexuality in Christianity. In regard to the last comment about denying myself the satisfaction of that type of relationship, no it does not mean I am not happy, at all to be honest. In the Christian life there is more joy for a person in doing what god wants than following one’s own desires and motives. God does not give these commands to put these restrictions on us to make us unhappy but to live a holy and fuller life. Friend you too are trying to influence the posters opinion. You believe homosexuality is ok and support your views and I support my view on it. He asked the question should I establish my relationship with god or this person. He already understands there is a choice presented to him. I have given my opinion on why to choose god and have supported it with my opinion and so you have likewise on him being able to do both. Sin wages war against the soul, homosexuality in biblical light is sin therefore in the Christian religion it is something that should not be done. We are all sinners, I am not trying to look more righteous than this person as I have experienced to a degree what he has experienced have fallen short many times but I do believe that it is important to get up on that horse, ask for god’s forgiveness and trying to do what god wants and what he requires form me without one’s own interests interrupting. Regarding biblical interpretation. It needs to be read in context and with the help of god’s spirit for one to fully understand. It is not the same as reading any other book only with the intellect in the Christian religion. Message to Elijah I personally encourage you to read the scriptures and with gods spirit not just your own intellect and in biblical context to determine what god is saying to you
! I hope you all have a good day and hope my posts helped add variety to the post in order for Elijah to make his personal decisions.