My boyfriend was chatting with men, please help
My head is a mess right now, I would appreciate your opinions/experience.
I have just founf out that my boyfrind of 2,5 years has been chatting online with other men about sexual intercourse. He has been doing that approximately one year behind my back. All our relationship was grea, we were very much in love, in bed it was wonderful. He was attracted to me. (By the way he is 28). I confronted him about it and asked many questions. I feel betrayed (more than anything because he broke my trust). He told me that he doesn't even know the reason he did it, never before it happened, he says he feels disgusted by the thought that he would actually have something with a man. He says he doesn't find men arousing. That he loves me very much and he is sure he is straight and wants to be only with me. I believe him this somehow, I find it hard to trust him now but I still love him, don't want to just break up. He even cried, he feels terrible about hurting me like this.
He says he has never sent any picture of himself to any of those men, it was only about chatting about erotic homo things. He hasn't been doing it regularly (like every day, or like that) and he says he now feels it was disguusting. He deleted his account on the site. He says he never masturbated or felt physically aroused by the chats, he was watching normal hetero porn or women photos to masturbate.
I want us to engage in therapy and he agreed. I very much want our relationship to function again and he seems he does too.
But I can't keep thinking about why he could have done this and if he could be bisexual or this.
He told me he doesn't want to explore any of that fantasy, that it was just online, he says he finds it disgusting and he says he even more realizes how much he is into women (which he let me know)
I have read many articles on this and it seems that homoerotic fantasies can be quite normal in heterosexual men. Is it so??? And would you consider just chatting still a part of just a fantasy??? Please help me see some sense in this!
Please give me opinions on this. Can it be quite normal or is it a big warning sign. And leave the question of trust out please, I know it is very bad and it will take a long time to build up trust if we stay together. But what about the fantasies please??
Thank you all so much!!!
It is a red flag and you do need to be careful. Don't believe the him being disgusted by it and all. If he was he wouldn't have continued it for a year. Fantasies can be an occasional one or 2 time affair not a regular one. Thats what I feel.
Ever be around a bunch of 4,5,6 year old boys? It isn't long before they start talking about "butts and poop" and the teasing and aggressiveness escalates, then gets transferred into a wrestling match or ball game . . . whatever. Maybe your guy has never outgrown this . . .
You don't say what this "talk" is about. Was it just stupid talk or was it to troll, arrange meetings and/or relationships?
I ask this because his OTHER behaviors don't fit with either bi or homosexual preferences.
Sounds like he has lots of time to spend on the computer. Staying off the phone and computer might be a good start. Off to the gym or get another hobby besides the "butt and poop" talk.
Glad you are going to counseling.
Thank you for the time you spent to give me an opinion. He never tried to arrange a meeting and he didn't want to meet anyone in person. So I think it really was just talk. He even says it wasn't even every week that he went there, maybe twice a month. I think you are completely right that he lacks hobbies, he needs to start doing something and he is going to. Well, doesn't really help anyways against being confused but I really hope it could have been boredom and fun...
"I really hope it could have been boredom and fun..."
That indeed is what kept occurring to me as I read all of that, yep. He probably lacks male friendship and mental stimulation in his real life (and/or a means to experiment at pushing acceptable boundaries) and, having somehow stumbled on this online group and finding himself taken with them (their sexuality aside - perhaps just their openness in the ways in which they conversed?), tried to 'fit in'...similar to how some people who secretly *aren't* alcoholics, not even remotely, will regularly attend AA meetings.
However, I think to get to the bottom of all of this with any certainty, you're just going to have to wait for the counselling course to start.
Thank you too! Yes, he indeed has no real friends (only colleagues at work) and he did spend all the time (when we weren't together) at home doing well, "nothing"....I really hope it was just out of stupidity. He has never shown any signs of being interested in men or anything like this. I am grateful that there are people out there who think about it similarly as I try to now and who support the fact that it does not necessarily mean he's bi or homo and that he would want men. I am indeed going to counselling with him and I hope we will work it out somehow. I am mostly hurt because of the fact that he had this secret from me
so he has to work on his honesty so that I start trusting him again.
Please go through this site before you fix up opinions. If he has a gay or bi nature, he will not admit it to you easily. This site contains real stories of wives who have been married for 15 to 20 years before they finally discovered their husband had been gay all along!
Sounds like your bf is experimenting with bisexual or homosexual interests. Not a big deal necessarily except that our hidebound culture insists that we have one and only one sexuality.
You need to spend a lot of time talking with your boyfriend about what he's attracted to. He has to learn to trust you with his feelings and confidences. It's all about relationship. Good luck. Perhaps a counselor could help you both learn to speak intimately with each other.