Should I choose to do what I know is right or compromise to make him happy?
I'm 19 and my bf is 22.We're together for a little over a year now. We fit perfect together and hardly ever argued, he even changed some of his old habits because of me. We texted for like a year and during that time when we talked about sex I kinda gave him the idea I was okay with doing it anytime with him. Now that we're seeing each other, I went by his house when he's alone and we made out a couple of times. The last time he tried to take my jeans off but I didn't allow him to. When we texted he asked when will I give in and I said till I'm 21 and he said that's too long and if I didn't he might cheat on me. The truth is I really want to wait until marriage since I grew up in a church and I don't wanna have premarital sex but I just told him that because I'm afraid of losing him and I even made up my mind I will do it once I reach 21. But he's kinda forcing me by trying to convince me to give in earlier and said that I'm not being fair to him and he has his needs. I love him and he said he loves me too, I don't know whether to give in just to save my relationship or should I follow my mind and don't do it?
"he said that's too long and if I didn't he might cheat on me"
Oh, did he indeed. Tut...-TUT! No, he won't. Because being cheated on relies on your remaining in the POSITION to be cheated on, i.e. his girlfriend, meaning you won't let him!
I appreciate that at his age, these young men feel driven thanks to their sudden rush of Testosterone to lose their virginity then get their leg over as repeatedly as possible, but the act relies on the involvement of your body with your conscious consent so, being your property it's your decision. This means that all HE has the right to do is make a choice between [a] getting to keep the emotional bond that's formed or [b] ending the relationship and moving on to whichever girl who *will* put out (only to see herself very quickly dumped as he moves onto the next conquest, I shouldn't wonder).
I do sympathise to a certain extent with his point of view, however, because by your own admission you basically 'advertised' yourself falsely as 'up for it' - a question of When, not If - followed since by issuing little confirmatory signs, and only now at this late stage are you revealing the truth. That's called, moving the goalposts. He, meanwhile, has been growing attached to you to the point where backing out of the relationship no longer feels so easy to do. So that's a tut-tut for you, too, because you started it.
However, at 19 you're not exactly an expert in romantic etiquette and nor would anyone expect you to be, so his thinking that it's reasonable or permissible to continue dating you whilst having sex with other girls to the point where he'd even dare state it to your face, is wrong. And nor, as I've said, is it socially or morally acceptable to THREATEN you with a fear of losing him into giving into what he wants. There again, even saying THAT, I can appreciate how desperate he'd have grown by now, enough to lose his (usual?) cool and sense of honour and decorum.
Bit of a dilemma, then, huh. But not really...because the ONLY instance where you should embark on introducing a sexual dimension to any relationship with any man, IRRESPECTIVE of religious belief or age or any other seeming consideration you can think of, is because YOU truly and wholly feel like it, and BIG time - berbom! That is the one non-negotiable criteria.
Having sex with someone before you're ready and willing to in order not to lose them is a paradox, anyway, because - think about it: having sex with a man for the first time is supposed to occur out of an urge to act that exists in reflection of the fact you trust the guy (including trusting that your welfare is paramount to him) enough to want to get closer and more deeply bonded than ever. So, frankly, what he's doing is tantamount to asking for a loving kiss whilst displaying Vampire fangs dripping with blood and making hissing noises. It's hardly going to make you feel encouraged to go ahead, is it. So he's behaving like his own worst enemy, isn't he.
You'll just have to apologise sincerely for having initially led him up the garden path on that score and then leave it to him to decide whether he wishes to forgive you that campaign of false impressions and wait patiently with you or whether getting his jollies is more important than being part of a couple. Don't be surprised if it's the latter, however. Don't know, though...all depends on how far under his skin you've got, doesn't it.
Call his bluff. Tell him, 'I was wrong to have given you the idea I'd have full penetrative sex with you within the next 2 years, so I think I must now do the decent thing and let you go in search of what you really want and not hold you back any more, if that's what you want'. You'll then see for yourself which aspect of a relationship means most to him, won't you - heart or b*lls, basically. If he chooses the latter you'll automatically know you were RIGHT to abstain because he'll have demonstrated irrefutably that the emotional attachment from him to you was WEAK-WEAK-WEAK.
Trust me, having a full chance at being a winner in this life relies on feeling the fear and doing it anyway.
Sound like a plan?
Oh yes! Thank you so much, as much as I want a future with him, I don't wanna lose something that I cherish so much just so as to be with him and then there's no guarantee that he'll stay after.But the reason I'm having second thoughts is that he has been through a lot and would usually resort to drinking to solve his problems but since he's with me he stopped drinking completely and I'm just afraid that if we break up he might go back to his old habits and I really don't want him to. I just feel like if I do it, it might be able to comfort him in some way. He's my first real bf so I don't know how men think or if he's just putting up an act until he can get in my panties.
He sounds like the religious one as he is acting like a saint, for a start you've lied to him telling him you will be ready when you're 21, which isn't the case and what 22 year old male would stay with a girl who won't put out, wow, especially at your age.
Having sex before marriage is really not a big deal anyway and the God which you believe in is forgiving and all loving it's not like you will go to hell if you don't 'confess'.
TROUBLEDSOUL, watch your tone, please, because, whether or not you intended it to - your 'wow, especially at your age' statement makes you come over as if you'd wish to lend her boyfriend a hand with his unacceptably underhanded emotional-pressuring-via-belittlement campaign.
"Oh yes! Thank you so much, as much as I want a future with him, I don't wanna lose something that I cherish so much just so as to be with him and then there's no guarantee that he'll stay after.But the reason I'm having second thoughts is that he has been through a lot and would usually resort to drinking to solve his problems but since he's with me he stopped drinking completely and I'm just afraid that if we break up he might go back to his old habits and I really don't want him to. I just feel like if I do it, it might be able to comfort him in some way. He's my first real bf so I don't know how men think or if he's just putting up an act until he can get in my panties."
Well, truth is there's *never* any guarantee that a man will stay after he's had sex with you. There are only signs and indications. And these come NOT from mere, verbal statements alone, but in association with runs of *actions* that prove those vocalisations true (or perhaps one gargantuan action, such as proposing marriage).
Secondly, plenty of people have 'been through so much', yet they don't react to it like that. If he happens to think climbing into a bottle is some really intelligent and productive solution to one of the many disappointments and difficulties life tends to non-stop put one through, then that's entirely his decision; it has too little to do with what you do or don't do. If it were, if it even *could*, then I would right now be urging you to don a super-hero's cape emblazened with the moniker, 'Super-Anti-Alcoholism Woman', and hire out your services to Alcoholics Anonymous in order to immediately put that super-power's flip side to amazing use. ;-p Same goes for if sex were some miracle cure for comforting the downtrodden of this world to the extent where they suddenly got their lives completely together (- ain't gonna happen).
Don't make excuses for him or yourself, please. If you want to sleep with him due exclusively to feeling you and he are already a fairly certifiably long-term couple as demands greater nurturing, then do. Don't start pressuring *yourself* with things that have no business being taken into account when it comes to a decision over whether or not to lose your virginity. You've got enough to be dealing with, with just boyfriend doing it. Okay?
Do you love him?
Does he love you enough, you believe, NOT to sh*g and run (do you have sustained actions of lasting sense of attachment on his part to prove it)?
Are you sexually and emotionally ready?
That's it. Those are the only considerations.
Ok, so being one of the few of us left I'd like to stand up for genuinely waiting for marriage before you have sex.
I'll tell you what girl, telling guys they have to marry you to get in your pants separated the jerks from the good guys. I got dumped a few times because I wouldn't put out, and at the time I was really upset because I really thought they were great until that point.
Now I'm married to the best guy I've ever met and he genuinely loves me (and the sex is amazing). Plus there is no baggage or jealousy over exes.
If he leaves because you want to wait, it may upset you now, but in the long run are you really going to settle for a guy who doesnt care about your feelings? His welfare is not your responsibility, no matter how much you care about him, it's his choice to drink or not drink and his choice to respect you and stay with you or disrespect you.
Don't be fooled, either of you - you're a trend that's slowly but surely on the INCREASE. Anyway, who CARES what other people are doing. Is that majority of perfect strangers going to be there for you day-in-day-out if things turn out disappointingly not to plan? Hardly! So you gals just do what feels right for you for all the right and healthy reasons and to hell with anyone else's opinions (let alone silly emotional blackmail attempts).
I don't agree ones lover's welfare is NONE of one's responsibility, however, because looking after and out for each other is part and parcel of a serious relationship, but not to the degree ANASTACIA was suggesting, no, definitely not. She's his girlfriend, not his therapist or social worker. (Any extreme is unhealthy, be it a case of 'too much' or 'too little' so the key lies in striking that balance between the two, the happy medium.)
Anyway, boyfriend may just be trying it on in case it works and because, well, it's always worth a try, isn't it. I don't like his method but  you can't fault him for being a trier (- it's preferable to a limp lettuce leaf of a Yes Man, let's be honest), and  desperate is as desperate does (as this debased approach of his proves (assuming he's not normally that deviously pushy)). So, you never know, he might well surprise her by accepting her final word on it all and not saying another word on the matter...the ironic thing then being, if he does accept defeat fairly graciously, it might to her total surprise have the effect of making her feel she has a Green light regards daring to go ahead(?).
There's no right or wrong in this, because even bad experience is good experience in the long run whilst, by the same token, holding out equally has its own rewards, like you've pointed out, CB. You just have to go with your gut instincts, especially since this is one of your instincts very job responsibilities to begin with, meaning it's a heart decision and the head shouldn't interfere unless it senses any pitfalls or actual danger.
Ok I see the misunderstanding, I agree that a boyfriend's welfare is partially a girlfriend's responsibility in that you both take care of each other.
What I mean is that the concern that someone will turn to alcohol after being stood up to is no reason to stay in a relationship. If you can't be honest with each other and respect each others feelings, what kind of relationship is that?
I work with teenagers and have heard all the lies boys tell girls about how they NEEEEED sex. Im sure you're smart enough to know his balls wont go blue or drop off! Monks have proved it is physically possible to live without it.
However I will give him that being a young man in such a sexed up society is difficult, so if he is willing to wait for you, its a gesture to be cherished. If hes not and decides sex has got to come from elsewhere, then look for a guy who is willing to put you first. He wants to have sex with you, thats okay, but sex should be less important to him than you are.
Sex is not as big a deal as society makes out that it is, its just part of the relationship package. Knowing that someone will be there for you when you need them, who will build you up when you're down, who will let you in where they are vulnerable etc etc, there's so many things that are just as precious and important in a good relationship.
His choices are his to make, your role in the relationship as it is right now is to be honest, understanding and willing to hear his views. The way you discuss issues is as important as the issues, if you go in with the wrong attitude you can either alienate a potentially caring partner or you can end up "compromising" because you feel guilty at the end of the conversation.
Stand up for yourself, but allow him space to express his dissatisfaction at that fact that you *did* lie to him originally without calling him a jerk.
If after he's had time to digest this information, he wants to end it, that's up to him. No one should guilt you into the decision to lose your virginity, like Soulmate says, that should be a decision made from love. It shouldn't be a desperate act to keep someone from leaving or cheating.
Tricky one. But if he loved you he would respect your wishes. He knew from the beginning what you wanted and if he wasnt up for it he never should of led you to believe it was ok. I think you would be better off separating from him. If you have premarital sex just to make him happy chances are he won't stick around for much longer if he can't respect you hun. Good luck
Good post. Hope Anastacia's still reading. (As for me - am now LOL-ing at the thought of all these monks' balls shrivelling up and dropping onto the ground through non-use, as they walk to and from chapel! Explains why they spend so much time singing - to cover up all the "splat!" noises.
(No, FIONA, she originally made the mistake of giving him the strong idea she *was* up for it.)