Virginity: Our lies, truths and a confession
Hello, my fiancé recently told me that he had sex with two previous girlfriends and one one night stand. He broke down and said he wanted me to know the truth. Let me go back to when we first met, we asked each other the question "Have you ever slept with anyone?" We both answered yes (however mine was not true, I was a virgin but did not want to admit it within our first week of knowing each other). Then, a month or so later I heard him talking in his sleep saying he had never had sex. I woke him up and confronted him and he said he never did have sex. At that point, I told him the truth that I was a virgin (I did do other things but never went all the way). From that point on (for two years), I felt so blessed and happy because I knew we were each other's firsts and only, and that felt extra special. Now, he came to me with tears in his eyes and said he had been holding this in for so long and didn't want to start marriage out with me thinking I was his first. He said the very first time we asked the question, his answer was correct, and when I heard him in his sleep he didn't want to hurt me, so he let me believe his sleep talking and since then he's battled with telling me or not. He knew it would hurt me, and it has. I wish I would have known sooner but hearing him talk in his sleep is the answer I wanted and what I thought was true. Since I lied very early on, I assumed we both were embarrassed and opening up a bit later led to honest results. So now it's six months before our wedding, and I'm having a hard time pushing thoughts out of my mind and images of him with other girls in the past. I love him, but it's tough knowing he's been intimate, if not more intimate with someone else. He says he never thinks about it and never compares me to the past, but it has consumed my thoughts since I found out the truth. We are both fairly religious and I'm trying to forgive. I'm scared to be intimate right now because of the thoughts I have of him being with someone else. How do I get back to being intimate in time for our wedding and accept this fact that he was not a virgin? I know he loves me and we've found true love but learning of this fact after I believed he was a virgin for so long is difficult. I need reassurance that I will get through this and my heart will heal.
What are you doing girl? You are on a wrong imagination trip. Here you have with you a man who loves you, who is honest and dedicated. Instead of focusing on that and thinking how lucky you are to have such a person in your life, you are focusing on his past and that too something before 2 years when he hadn't even met you!
Just place yourself in his shoes. If you had had a past which didn't work out and now you have met just the person you want to be with but on confessing to your partner, your partner constantly thinks about your past and gets it in between your present. Would that be fair to you?
Whenever your mind broods in the past, give it a jolt and get it back to focus on present. Don't allow it to imagine the past. By doing so, you are only hurting yourself and in the process him and your relation.
Ok, Im coming at this from a religious perspective and musicislove said she was religious so anyone non-religious, please don't take offense.
I assume when you say "intimate" you mean sex.
I have found in my life that when I take my pain to my God and am really honest with him about my feelings, he has helped me. Im hoping my experiences may give you some ideas to try or may spark some of your own. God can heal your heart if you will let him.
What I hear from your words is that you are disappointed because what you wanted isnt the way things are in reality and that you havent deep down forgiven your fiance for not giving you his virginity and for being with other girls. You could try praying about him and forgiving both him and the girls he has been with. I thought I never held grudges about anyone until I asked God to help me see who I hadnt forgiven...what an eye opener that was. To pray for those who had hurt me and letting go of my hidden anger towards them for causing me pain felt like a real release.
Also you seem to have an issue of trust with your fiance currently, its hard to be intimate with someone you dont feel you trust 100%. Im not saying you are scared he will cheat, I am saying he has told you the truth and then switched it for a lie, then back to the truth again. Take heart in the fact that he wanted you to know the truth and take responsibility for the fact that you made him feel so bad about it that he lied to try to be what you wanted him to be. He was clearly just trying to make you happy but in the end being honest with you was really important to him. If you focus on how much he loves you, it should be easier to want to be intimate with him. Have you been honest in return and told him how its affecting you and let him reassure you how much more you mean to him and how you have more than taken the place of those girls in the past? You are the one he has chosen to marry, vowing to only sleep with you for as long as you both live!
Dont let fear hold you back, try to be intimate even if you are scared of thinking about other girls having also done what you are doing. Remember only you are doing it now and only you have his attention. Ask for his encouragement beforehand to help you through and let him know what will help you remain in the moment with him, rather than wondering about his past. For example if he says your name a lot while you are being intimate, it could help you realise only you are on his mind at that point in time. Give it some thought, it will need to be something that will work for you personally. The key is to keep him involved, dont be alone in this, that only causes more separation between you. Ask him for help when you need it, it should bring you closer together, as long as you do it in a loving way!
Neither of you can change the past and as Shivangi pointed out, you dont have to allow your mind to dwell on negativity. When this happens you can choose to tell yourself positive things, to focus on why you love him, you can replay in your head times he has made you feel like the only person in the world. Fight back! Dont let negativity take away the happiness of you and your future husband.
Good luck and God bless
Did you get pre-marital counseling?
Neither of you is ready to get married if you can't work out this obsession with each others' "virgin" status BEFORE you were even together! Not a good way to start off a marriage.
BTW - you are intimate with each other NOW, so what's the big deal about a previous sexual experience or not? Is this the pinnacle of his importance to you? And if you break up, you will then have to carry around all YOUR past experiences with you. Oh what a tangled web . . .
Thank you everyone for the help and encouragement. SHIVANGI, I will try to turn any negative thoughts into positive and focus on the present and future. CB, thank you so much, I have talked to my fiancé about my feelings and will continue to do so. We both said there's no more apologizing or anything he can do to take back the past. Also we agreed that only talking to him won't help, which is why I reached out on here instead. Getting a different perspective and outside opinion was super important. I like your suggestions with saying my name and such, I really think that will help.
SUSIEQ- No, we have not had pre-marital counseling yet, but will be going thorough that soon with the church that is marrying us. I believe this will help build and foster another level of understanding.