No spark in relationship
Been with my partner for 4 and a half years we have a two year old together. I feel we've reached a dead end in our relationship we'll be good for a few days then when im hormonal or just in a bad mood he doesnt want to be around me and we end up not speaking for a few days then he'll pop up then it'll happen again. I can be hard work at times but i feel like even when we are on good terms its very dull at times like we dont go out much and hes ok with that we mainly just stay indoors and chill watch tv etc.. i want to have a spark between us you know. Like i see other couple have mad chemistry and we lack that. Im 22 and he is 23 i feel like were in our 50s there is just no spark at all. And yes i do love him but i want to be inlove with him and for him to be in love with me
Then what I suspect your psyche is doing is a mixture between using the COVER of hormonal peaks and troughs as a way to both introduce frisson *and* alert Houston to their being a problem and a resultant lack of usually tighter resilience and self-control (ie. things get to you more when hormonally off-balanced).
Don't confuse chemistry with lack of mental stimulation, though, they're not the same thing. If at the start and for the majority of your relationship, you and he couldn't stop sh*gging like bunnies (which logically would be the case given you've lasted nearly 5 years), then the chemistry is fine and all you've got here is simple mental and emotional stymied-ness, aka a RUT, as gets in the WAY of chemistry.
Here's the rub: you want to go out and socialise and do fun things to the frequency power of, say, 8 out of 10; his need is more like 2 out of 10. Correct extents assumption?
This is an incompatibility issue. So the questions are:
- Is it temporary or permanent?
- If permanent, how come you didn't notice this difference in lifestyle choices before now? Or is it NEWLY (seemingly) permanent?
- If temporary, what is it about all other aspects of [a] your life, including work, that are leaving you feeling so dissatisfied and in need of greater stimulation OR [b] about his life as is leaving him so mentally and physically knackered and in need of quiet cosy time?
Also, you have to pay attention to your young age. Maybe you're simply not ready for married life yet? I imagine not. So maybe this feeling is more to do with meeting and recognising a lack of relationship scope from the point you and he have recently reached, i.e. nowhere upwards to apply your ambition because the next logical step would be marriage and kids but - because you're not ready - can't be.
Any of that going Ping! in your head?
I want the spark to be there you know. Were like lovers and best friends hes always been there and he gets me more than anyone. But it doesnt feel like were in a relationship sometimes like we rarely go out and he'll do the usual guy thing "if you wanna go out we can" rather than suggest it. And as i work weekdays and he works near enough everyday there isn't much time to do anything. We used to live together but now he stays here a few nights a week. When i dont seem him for a few days i miss his presence but then when i seem him consistently im not overjoyed in a sense that im happy to see him just not wanting to rip his clothes off and be affectionate. I miss that. I do see a future for us as a family and we do plan on having more kids and buying a house one day. Its just the in between that i worry about
Is it possible that you're fighting for something you want to be there than it actually is?
My partner and I are totally different, I knew that as after my failure of relationships, I wanted to date someone different. I definitely got what I wanted and as much as it was a culture shock, it has been good for me.
I am trying to hold us together, but, like your partner the moment I am not "behaving" because I am not my happy self, he is out of there. Doesn't want part of it. That's not a good basis for a relationship.
Point I am trying to make is, if you can't go a week without having some kind of hiccup and you have said you're not excited to see him all the time, how will living together work?
From what I have read, the only way the spark will return is if he sticks out the rough patches, (which I believe couples should do), If you are hormonal and upset so what, he should be there to remind you that you are awesome no matter what. If you are like me, that is the easiest way to calm me down. Taking off and not talking for days only makes it worse.
I hope you guys can make it work.
"I want the spark to be there you know. Were like lovers and best friends hes always been there and he gets me more than anyone. But it doesnt feel like were in a relationship sometimes like we rarely go out and he'll do the usual guy thing "if you wanna go out we can" rather than suggest it."
Translation: he's not very gung-ho and doesn't take the initiative, instead relying on me and mine all the time.
News for you: women almost always *are* the social secretaries in a romantic relationship. Anyway, why WOULD he make suggestions if he's 'okay, Jack' with things as they are? The positive here, however, is that he *doesn't* respond with NO.
"And as i work weekdays and he works near enough everyday there isn't much time to do anything."
Translation: Life is getting in the way of our romantic bubble, keeps popping it and dragging us back out into the real world (where it's messy and harried as dampens energy, enthusiasm and libido).
News for you: Life when one has a toddler is BOOOOOOOOOOO-RIIIIIIIIIING. But it doesn't last. In fact, you wake up one day to find a teenager in the cot!
QUESTION: Why is he working weekends?
If he's working every day of the week or thereabouts, he's BOUND to want to veg out, isn't he?
"We used to live together but now he stays here a few nights a week."
QUESTION: *Why* don't you any longer live together? Is this because of his work, as in, nature of or location, or because of your 'moods'?
"When i dont seem him for a few days i miss his presence but then when i seem him consistently im not overjoyed in a sense that im happy to see him just not wanting to rip his clothes off and be affectionate."
Do you suppose that's because your mind can't cope with having gotten close to him again only to have him wrenched away once more, as in, getting back into him, over him, getting back into him, over him,... meaning no actual bonding progress/furtherment gets made when he's there again because that time's getting spent recouping ground that got lost whilst you too quickly re-detached during his last absence (meaning you're picking fights in order to create intimacy)? Also, have a think: are you naturally a super-fast adapter when literally shoved from one situation into another or the opposite?
"I miss that. I do see a future for us as a family and we do plan on having more kids and buying a house one day. Its just the in between that i worry about"
I and my husband's own 2 year point was the same. Things greatly plateau-ed. Then they took off again all on their own. We hadn't realised our relationship was simply in TRANSITION from one phase to the next. And transition is basically Limbo (neither here nor there, frozen in time). It's generally the same for everyone. Relationships are like living entities that feature phases, growth spurts and pauses. Sounds like maybe you're in transition between the Power Struggle and Stability phases. (Try googling, known phases of a romantic relationship.)
QUESTION: Would this happen to be the first *proper* (as in, deeply full-on) relationship you've had that's managed to surpass the year or 18 month mark?
Saying all of that - the fact you and he aren't living together like a normal 'married' (have kid = married) couple worries me, so I'm very interested to hear why on earth that is and whether this could be the reason, wholly or partly, for why he's merely treading water rather than swimming.