I have a major problem with my roommate....
I have a great roommate who I like a lot, but he recently joined a band with my ex-boyfriend. My ex-boyfriend and I haven't been together for over two years and since that time I have been dating a new great guy, whom I love dearly. My ex-boyfriend, though, cheated on me and we had a really messy break-up, and we just don't talk to each other any more. I know I can't ask my housemate to quit the band, but I'm starting to equate him to my ex-boyfriend and am having a really difficult time talking to him on a daily basis. I get annoyed easily and find fault in all the little things he does. His girlfriend has been staying over a lot, which I would normally be fine with, but given the situation I have been getting even more annoyed. I don't know how to handle this situation and if there is anything that I can do to make this better or make myself feel better about what's happening. Any advice about how to handle this situation would be much appreciated!
Your ex-boyfriend showed himself to be a snake. Roommate seems to have aligned himself with that low grade of personage. Not only that, but he's become a reminder-of-an-insult-on-legs, which feels like having your nose rubbed in something you'd been trying to move on from and put behind you.
Obviously, then, roommate's need for a band outweighs his need to keep your approval/friendship. Berbom.
Clearly he's not a friend (because clearly he doesn't share your principles and loyalty). Just a roommate who was friend-LY.
If that doesn't do the trick of re-categorising him in your mind to where expectations lower thus disappointment cannot reign, the solution is simple: find another house share rental.
...unless, of course, you're deliberately rubbing your own nose in the byproxial insult to wind yourself up, in the hope that lovely new boyfriend will reach the point where he takes pity and uses it as his catalyst to suggesting you and he find a place together? [wiggles eyebrows]
PS: There is also this: That you feel your ex is commencing trying to steal/mar your friendships? And in this first instance not just ANY friend but the one whom you have to see (and hear about ex from) daily? Because of course, why would an ex who'd seemingly rejected you thus supposedly was grateful and relieved at the two of you having split even WANT to associate so heavily and regularly with a friend come quasi family member of yours?
Clearly he didn't cheat on you for passive-aggressive rejection purposes, but for p-a leverage (to make you so frightened of displeasing him, in case he went and cheated again, that you'd walk forevermore on eggshells - yes, sir, no, sir, three bags full, sir - and never think to leave him). And because that nasty, selfish little campaign didn't work and instead backfired (you ended up dumping him), he got MAD at you having outfoxed him...and now - huge ego still at the fore, running the show - is trying both to get even AND firmly get your attention: look-at-me-look-at-meeee! - I'm stealing your most regular friend, hah-ha.
What a tw*t. No WONDER your upgrade is proving himself so overly superior in comparison.
(It's a common ploy of the Twatus Maximus. Sometimes the low-down doity ex even goes so far as to move into his/her ex's same village!)
So your immediate alternative to moving out and/or too hastily with new bf, is to see it this way instead: boyfriend is a highlighter and magnet, both, for identifying then drawing away from you any SECRETLY chocolate teapot-style deadwood. Gosh, how nice of him. :-)
Since roommate sees nothing wrong in hanging out all-too-frequently with the type who can lower himself to being a cheating basstud (and towards a woman he, roommate, supposedly rates and possesses fondness for), I imagine he'll see nothing wrong in doing likewise to HIS girlfriend one day, don't you? Why interfere with that inevitable? The sooner she finds out that's where things head with a person of such moral (er) standing, the sooner SHE can trade him in for a much nicer model. Either that or, as I say, he's just a musical prostitute. In which case he'll cheat on her with his guitar. LOL (...starting with fiddling with its G-string, GROAN).
Meantime, you just make sure roommate is fully genned up over what an unimaginably gloriously life-affirming time you're having with Mr Wonderful-Gorgeous-(Huge-D*cked)-Lover-&-Soulmate. If ex realises that you're too loved-up and happy to give one single toss over what he thinks or doesn't think/does or doesn't do/with whom/with the late Osama Bin Laden himself for all you care, meaning he can't touch you - he'll see how head-against-brick-wall his pathetic little campaign is and wander off again in search of someone else to torture...dropping roommate like a hot potato as he goes. Aww, nooo - did poor ol' roommate fall for ex's gumph as well? Tsk...easily done, eh. ;-)
"I know I can't ask my housemate to quit the band, but I'm starting to equate him to my ex-boyfriend and am having a really difficult time talking to him on a daily basis."
Not fair!! He's not responsible for what your ex did in his past. He shares a musical interest with this guy, that's it. (What if you worked with an ex's girlfriend?)
I have a feeling that you have unresolved issues with this ex and you have transferred this onto your roommate - or maybe you are upset that you might have to see the ex again in some setting. Not necessarily. Just excuse yourself from the entire scene.
I even wonder if you should tell the roommate anything about your ex. Let it come up as needed. Non-attention is great revenge, anyway, in my book.
I agree with Susiedqqq, not fair on roommate. Have you tried arranging a roommates night where you both just chill together? no bfs and gfs included. I assume you liked this guy enough to be willing to share living quarters with him, remind yourself of who HE is and how unlike your ex he actually is. Your hurt seems to be making you forget!
If you're comfortable enough at this point, then yeah I'd also suggest telling him about the ex and chat about how you dont want your paths to cross! He shouldn't have to ditch the band, but thats his life outside of the house and therefore up to him who he choses to spend time with out there