My wife is addicted to online dating sites and her cellphone
I'm so tired of my lying wife. My wife and i have been together for 10 years and have 4 kids together, actually we arent married so really we are common-law partners. Anyways my wife is addicted to online dating sites and her cellphone. She texts all day long from when she awakes at 7am and non stop till when we go to bed at 10pm. She often tells me she has texted many times in the middle of the night. We just recently moved to a new city and she tells me it her best girl friend from the old city where we lived for 5 years. I somewhat believe her since they were really close and they both love to text but, what on earth would they have to talk about for 12hrs a day 7 days a week?
We dont sleep in the same bed or same room because 1 of our youngest child has been waking up multiple times in the nights screaming, we are thinking its night terrors? So instead of her getting interrupted, she has decided to sleep in our sons room. Well in the past 2 weeks, i have awaken around 12am to voices coming from her bedroom. The very first night i thought what the hell? whos she talking to? so i knocked on the door. She got right off the room and told me to get out and mind my own business? Mind my own business i said? its my house to and im wondering who the hell you are talking to so late at night? Do i not have a right to know who shes talking to? last night i heard it again but didnt bother to ask her, i just stayed in bed.
I have also caught her many, many times on online dating sites. You know Pof, match.com, zoosk? She says she just enjoys talking to guys who understand where shes coming from. Nothing serious, just friends. Well if its not serious, then why has she met 3 different guys in person and one of them she admitted had sex with. The guy she had sex with, she went away for 1 week, telling me she went to visit her parents who are 5 hours away. Stupid me believed her, as we were having problems and i thought it would be a good idea to be away from each other for awhile.
Everytime i ask whos she is texting or bring up the guys in the past, she gets so mad at me. She tells me to get over it or move the hell out. She even has her father telling me to get over it, but that dont surprise me, he cheated on his wife too!!
I admit i'm no perfect husband either. i'm a stay at home dad and sometimes i find myself siting on the couch watching kids shows, then maybe doing the laundry or cleaning, but majority of the time i keep the house clean, kids looked after etc. i dont drink alcohol that much, do drugs, party, stay out late. I dont physically abuse her, keep her locked in the house. I think im a pretty good guy? But time after time she tells me im no good, lazy, stupid, and dont understand her feelings.
She tells me for this to work i need to change too, ok fine, i will try to do so, but how is talking to other men and lying to me, going to help out situation work? doesnt she have to stop to, even though she says shes not talking to men and doing nothing wrong, I;m sorry but i find that hard to believe. My trust for her is gone and she should understand that and be a little more nice to me.
I really dont know what to do anymore?? I love her sooo much but should i move on?
Why are you a stay at home dad?
See its obvious that the attraction has gone out of your marriage/partnership. She is probably not getting what she wants from you and is trying to depend on outsiders for it (which is not good either). Your relationship has started lacking understanding which is one of the basics to keep a relation together.
If you need to make this work, you have to start becoming what she is expecting of you. Then after some changes on your part (acknowledged by her), you can ask her to change too. Yes both need to change to make it work but she could be doing all this to attract your attention to whats lacking in your relationship.
I think you both need to go for counseling. Having 4 kids between you both, moving on should be the last resort.
She sounds like a Grade A bully to me, who sees you (due to your house husband position, I'm sure) as powerless and helpless against her getting to do whatever she damn pleases regardless of normal social constraints and downright No-Nos, and, not only that, her going as far as to rub it in your face (by telling you). This is the kind of 'man' she is when put that in role with that available 'muscle power' against one who's stuck in the female position. Ugh, right?
She has also had multiple short-term affairs - emotional only or additionally physically. Understand that adultery, like anything else, is a wedge featuring a thin end as progresses to a thick end. Talking non-platonically to other men whether textually or verbally, and about items or topics which should be held only with you exclusively as her monogamous romantic partner, is at the thin end (albeit not the thinnest because that portion covers the mere mental willingness and readiness part) and obviously actually having anywhere between physical contact and full sexual intercourse is near the thickest end (that outer extreme being an ongoing romantic/sexual affair).
So why are you putting up with such heinous treatment from a woman who is supposed to be to all intents and purposes your wife to the point where she's had four of your children? What has this been doing to your confidence and self-esteem?
Your wife would get interrupted by the screaming even if she were in the marital bed, so what a crock of sh*t that excuse for gaining crime privacy that is! And since this is a development, it reflects a development between her and a romantic suitor. So now she's actually having a full-blown emotional affair, isn't she.
So last night you didn't bother to ask her, just stayed in bed? Is that how much of an easy victim you're willing to be?
I'm not surprised your youngest has been waking up screaming. Poor little thing has obviously picked up on the threat to his/her 'whole world' security as is making him/her feel incredibly anxious on the background level as surfaces during semi-consciousness or during dreams. I'll bet you feel like screaming, as well, don't you.
"he cheated on his wife too!!"
And got away with it? No wonder his mini-me thinks she can, too, and that it's not that wholly unacceptable.
"But time after time she tells me im no good, lazy, stupid, and dont understand her feelings."
I think the problem here is that we all of us *do* understand her.
Yes, she *does* have to stop. How on earth can you concentrate on commencing to work on the marriage with this traumatising situation going on day after day after day?
Go see a solicitor quick-sharpish. If your littlest 'sponge' is reflecting the main vibe in the house to the degree of night terrors then, if you can't do it for your own sake and welfare, at the very least do it for your baby's and other two children's. As their primary caregiver, that's your number 1 duty. Certainly it is if you don't want all three to grow up with serious issues.
Maybe if you take action, your wife will finally see that your tolerance of her heinous behaviour is NOT without limit and that you've well and truly met it.
Oh, and for the record: there is NO excuse for betraying your life partner, let alone to that huge degree. Having marital difficulties of any kind does NOT give one carte blanche to commit adultery because there are too many other decent choices in solutions that DON'T involve outright victimisation. If these so-called innocent conversations are so innocent, she can conduct them right next to you in your earshot, can't she. Her past established adultery is what makes that provision mandatory. Wouldn't want to? Gosh, I wonder why.
You KNOW what a loving, decent partner looks, sounds and feels like, including how they'd choose to deal with whatever problems arose or featured in your relationship with them. And this isn't it. Far from it.
Sorry - all FOUR (kids), duh.
(One, three, seven, two... nope, it's back to the drawing board.
Thank you everybody for responding. @SHIVANGI i'm a stay at home dad because my wife has gone back to college full time and right now we cant afford a baby sitter. I'm currently looking for evenings and weekend work, although i dont like the idea that i wouldnt be home while kids are in bed as i feel there would be more temptation to do something.
@ SOULMATE- Your response pretty much hit it on the head. She has her views of how a man should be and thats the handy, successful, outgoing manly man she wants and thinks its like it was in the 1940's. Well if thats the case, then she should be staying at home and doing the house wife role like they used to do, but she has no interest, so really i have no choice.
I dont know why im putting up with all her crap? because i love her? she every once and awhile will say "people dont cheat for no reason, so there must be something wrong with you too!" yes i agree but like u mentioned SOULMATE, there are other ways of handling it. My self esteem is sooo low. I dont trust her!! i feel like a worthless partner. every time her phone rings or texts , i automatically assume the worst( another man).
I dont think our child is waking up because of night terrors, i know i did say that but i noticed hes cutting 2 teeth!!
She was again on the phone last night.for about 30mins after we said good night! i now stay awake waiting for that phone call. I listened for a good 15mins. i couldnt hear very much but what i did hear, didnt seem like any big deal. Actually she was talking very loud and to me, if you didnt want me to hear she would have talked much quieter or sneek downstairs. I dont like to confront her as it starts an argument , thats why i didnt the other night. But i had to lastnight. All i did was knock on the door and simply ask, what is going on? she goes "fine ill tell you, my girfriend found out shes pregnant that wasnt planned"
I said " you couldnt have just been honest and tell me that?" " you have to wait till 10pm or later to talk to your friend about that, why can't you do that earlier in the evening"? " well she has been working alot of evenings and by the time she gets home its close to 10pm" I do know that true because she is a manager of a retail store, i have been in her store many times!! So is she telling me the truth? i hope so and her talk lastnight, had really didnt have a flirty or raunchy type of feeling, from at least what i could hear. But your right SOULMATE if these talks where so innocent, why cant she talk infront of me? she will talk infront of me when her other friends or parents call. why not this friend?
I dont know, im confused.... as they say " once a cheater, always a cheater"