Is it ok to ask her out? How should I do it?
Hello everyone! Thanks for helping out!
First, a little background. For the past three months I've been dealing with a little depression, because I finally felt what a broken heart feels like (I'm 24). I had been madly in love with a good friend of mine (we'll call her X) for a while, when I finally had the stones to tell her she treated me badly, which hurt me.
A little while ago, I met a woman who I really liked. I actually hadn't liked anyone so much so quickly besides X. Let alone after X came into my life.
The problem? I met her because I interviewed her for a job position where I work. Since that day, I've been thinking of asking her out (consider this is the first time in a big while I actually want someone besides X), but I feel it's very unethical and unprofessional. Also, I feel she might be creeped out by the guy who interviewed her asking her out.
So my question is... should I try to ask her out? If yes, how should I do it?
Ps. I know a guy who might know her.
Instead of asking her out directly,get to know her at work ask how her weekend was find out her interests.Try find something you guys have in common and work on that,don't be to in her face though and you need to smile and be confident when you talk.
Here's what's going on in your psyche:
You found yourself in a position of vulnerability as is a requisite of being in or trying for a romantic relationship (because you can't together bond by the heart if one or more of you are trying overly to shield it). It didn't turn out as you'd hoped and you got crushingly disappointed to the degree known as heartbroken (which didn't help your depression and whatever else caused it).
Once one fully heals from heartbreak one realises it was a GOOD thing to have happened, and that the pain is a great motivator towards next time either being more astutely selective in your choice so as not to end up with the wrong candidate and/or, if the candidate is suitable, behaving in better or cleverer ways so as not to ultimately have a hand in destroying the union's chances at success (be that long-term or permanent). The recovery period (grieving process) is designed by evolutionary process to give your mind time to sort out which element(s), or which ratio of which elements, was at fault.
What you're doing, however, is trying to foreshorten the grieving process by seeking a new girlfriend too soon. Half girlfriend, half elastoplast. Because you're not yet back to full strength including full bravery, you don't dare pick someone with whom you'd again be equally vulnerable. So you're trying to use the superiority provided by your professional hierarchical position as an artificial heart shield. You feel that, assuming she falls for you in the first place, this woman would do a far greater than normal share in trying to avoid the relationship ever ending up going Splat! (through not pleasing or outright upsetting or daring to reject you), out of her fear from having landed herself in a work environment position of anywhere between a henceforth daily unpalatable, i.e. distinctly uncomfortable atmosphere, and actually getting fired. Out of personal revenge and/or issue-avoidance purposes. By the boss. Her ex-boyfriend.
Unfair. Unfair to yourself, unfair to her, unfair to your employer (he hired you to WORK, not use X amount of that paid time in which to cultivate non-business relationships). Plain unfair and in fact quite cowardly of you.
If you're behaving cowardlyly and it's uncharacteristic of you (as strongly indicate your paying credence to the ethical and professional barriers), then you have to ask yourself WHY (i.e. look up at what I've just typed).
Likewise, the reason why no other woman since or even before your ex has appealed to you this strongly is because they've all been carrying an invisible neon sign above their heads that reads, "I could potentially leave you in emotional intensive care again so best you find me a turn-off and leave me well alone" (as switches off your sexual attraction receptors).
Don't kid yourself or give into this temptation in this way: This employee carries dangers all her own. MORE so, in fact. Because so called secret office romances always, ALWAYS come out (because people have senses), meaning whether it works out or not you're going to end up looking highly unprofessional in terms of having put your love-life ahead in priority of your job and whole career. Example: what if she's brilliant at her job (one less headache for your employer) but either because of dating you and especially if it weren't to work out - leaves? You helped lose your employer a valued member of staff, meaning he has to go to the repeat trouble and expense of advertising for and using time to seek a replacement (mwack-mwack-ooops!).
This employer is the one who's going to either write or tellingly decline to write a reference for you when comes the time you wish to move on. If you care as much as you should at your starting-out age about your progress or rate of such up the biz ladder then it'd be far more sensible and intelligent to form an excellent work relationship and, outside of biz hours, friendship with her (using the free leg-up in the form of your mutual friend) and wait until one of you naturally moves on/up to another place of employment (or at least distant department or branch location) before trying to take it to the romantic level.
That's what professionals who care about their career tend to do, anyway. And it's also what men who are serious about having a serious, committed, long-term, possibly/hopefully permanent relationship do. Your way puts BOTH in jeopardy, right from the off. Not clever. And by its degree of uncleverness, I'd put you at DefCon3 (the heartache PLUS the depression), meaning you have another 6 months to go before you're anywhere fit enough to be optimum boyfriend material for anyone, anyway.
Six months is NOTHING. Think back to 6 months ago and, there you have it. Conveniently enough, 6 months is just enough time for getting a better measure of her (aside from her cup size
) - personal rather than just work facets, because, for all you know, underneath it all she's a total cow. You never do know, which is why you should always try to spend time peeling back a good amount of 'onion layers' to see if there are any rotten maggoty bits lurking within as well as whether the onion's 'smell' is one you can long-term live happily live.
...Not that I'm calling her a vegetable or anything (ha-ha).
Hope that helped.
Oh, and I forgot an angle: Again, with it being too obvious no matter HOW hard they try to hide it when two people fancy each other or are actually dating - if she turns out to be CRAP at her job, you'll not only have to be the one to fire your own gf but will end up looking like you were too busy interviewing her for your own personal agendas rather than having borne your employer's interests in mind.
Rock and hard place.
First of all, wow! That has to be one of the best and most complete answers I've ever gotten in these kind of questions. THANK YOU so much for putting so much time and effort in trying to help me out!
I agree with you in almost everything you said. I only forgot to mention one tiny, but very important detail... I really, really hope that you give me your opinion after you know this: she didn't get the job. So it would never become an office romance, nor would there be problems for my employer. That's the only reason why I'm actually considering it.
Knowing we will not be working together, does your opinion change? If so, what should I do?
I would really appreciate it if you gave me your opinion again!
Ps. You're right, I'm still not over the heartbreak.
The good news is that you realize there are other fish in the sea. That should help with the depression, right?
Find out from your friend if she is even available. Then (if she's available), go ahead and put yourself out there and ask her for coffee (maybe to see how the job search is going.0
But easy does it. There are lots of different kinds of fish in the sea, and - at 24 - you should be ready to learn which ones need to be thrown back and which ones are keepers. That takes a wise, patient man.
"I agree with you in almost everything you said. I only forgot to mention one tiny, but very important detail... I really, really hope that you give me your opinion after you know this: she didn't get the job. So it would never become an office romance, nor would there be problems for my employer. That's the only reason why I'm actually considering it.
Knowing we will not be working together, does your opinion change? If so, what should I do?"
I didn't realise that giant distinction, and - yes, it absolutely does change my opinion: GO FOR IT!! (in line with what my esteemed colleague Susiedqqq has just recommended).
(PS: you're welcome, only I have a rare typing speed of 110wpm so I can't take *too* much credit regarding the time it took me.
That's true! It did help a lot with the depression! I still don't feel completely fine, but I'm almost there.
She is available by the way, I just don't know how to approach her... I've always been a foolish man because I never put myself out there. But I really want to this time, I just don't know how.
Thank you for giving me your opinion again! All I need to do now is find a way to approach her and ask her out then!
One word of warning: Ignore any modern-day 'isms' including feminism. Yes, I agree with women having the same choices and rights as men, course. But the wiring we're still operating on when it comes to pairbonding (including practising the art ready for the ultimate coupling) is primal as pre-dates feminism; it doesn't comprehend it, let alone give a fig for it. Therefore, as tends to be the case in nature with other animals, the male of the specie is the one that makes the most effort as well as takes all of the risks (this case with his ego) during the wooing/impressing phase.
In their minds, women know this. This means that during the Honeymoon Period, in order to come across impressive to her, i.e. superior to her, it's better that the male isn't still recovering from and hampered by wounded-ness (be that physically or, your case, psychologically (your heartbreak) as can create an impression of comparative weakness.
However, relativity, said comparison and contrast, is a huge factor, meaning if she too is somewhat heartbroken - if you've chosen well on that score, meaning it's a case of Like attracting Like - you can still be the leader. But if not, your ego isn't going to like the fact that she's always more sorted, unruffle-able, sensible and clear-thinking than you, and she won't like it either...
As you're aware, wooing is like a rollercoaster ride featuring frequent ups (confidence, positivity, hopefulness, a sense of teamship) AND DOWNS (fear that she's not as into you as you her, fearing she might be about to chuck you/cheat on you, etc., switching to viewing her as the enemy out to hurt you the minute she said something suspect). I call these Wobbles. If your state of delicacy is greater than hers, meaning you're wobbling that much more frequently than her, then unless she's a very understanding woman, e.g. a rescuer type, she's going to end up feeling unimpressed and do precisely what you feared and had you wobbing to begin with - dump you. Not so if you're the more resilient and placatory partner mostly propping up and reinspiring *her* back to relationship confidence and security. In short: you Tarzan (and she Jane), NOT Cheetah.
This is the only way in which a man who's still 'limping' can enter a relationship somewhat prematurely and see any kind of success result. Otherwise, he has to spend that entire rollercoaster ride trying to PRETEND he's fit and robust enough, which not only is mentally exhausting but removes the vital option of sharing the fact of his wobbles with his mate as they go, thereby diffusing them. Put yourself immediately at a disadvantage like this and the experience will just end up being a negative self-fulfilling prophesy whereby you come out of it, worse for wear yet again, going, 'Relationships are sh*t and do nothing but break your heart' (or worse - 'All women are nasty heart-breaking b**ches, that's it, I'm just going to use them from now on!').
I imagine you *are* both circumstantially matched (because this new data now shows you're only at DefCon4, one step away from 5/Situation Normal, meaning on-the-spot judgement powers moreover firing on all cylinders), but make some enquiries of this mutual friend about her dating history and situation if you can. Alternatively, make just friendly and chatty-sounding enquiries during the first date. And remember: the first three dates, too, are an interview. You're allowed to ask questions regarding suitability and expect honest answers.
Get her phone number, phone her up and say: "I don't know about you but I felt a connection to you when I met you that day, so I was wondering if you'd consider meeting up one evening for a drink?".
Surely you know that? How did you ask your last girlfriend out? LOL - smoke signals?
Anyway, what's the worst that can happen? She says no thanks? Plus, if you're phoning her in the evening then you're not doing it in your work capacity meaning even IF she had a mind to, she couldn't possibly complain to your workplace about it. But why would she, anyway, when it's FLATTERING?
Ummmmm... we're not wobbling *already*, are we?