Do I stay with my husband?
Hi, I'm 35 and have been with my husband for nearly 12 years (married for 8) though in that time he has left me 4 times, once for someone else and each time like a fool I have taken him back. The last time he left was in 2010 and he was gone for 10 months and though I was a little more reluctant to take him back that time I did eventually, but things have never been the same since. I have probably always known at the back of my mind that our relationship wasn't the best and some would say its on the emotional abuse side with the way he treats me and talks to me, but I have always over looked these faults as he has suffered with depression, that and the fact that we have two children. I have been thinking for a while that things aren't the same anymore and then two months ago I started a college course and met someone, we had an instant connection and the third time we met we ended up kissing, he knows I am married and is fine with that and we have been seeing each other once a week after class pretty much every week since then.
I thought I would feel guilty about cheating on my husband but I dont, does this mean I shouldn't be with him anymore? I enjoy his company still I just don't think I want a sexual relationship with him any more. I also think that I am falling for my new friend but that just complicates things even more as I don't know if he would want more than the friends with benefits situation we have at the moment, especially as I am 7 years older than him and have two children already.
Any advice will be very gratefully received right now as I am so confused. Thank you
It's the FACT you've each time like a fool taken him back that has primed him into believing you'll take any amount of sh*t and nonsense from him, isn't it. Ergo, if you again fail to put your foot down, it stands to reason that he's just going to KEEP thinking he can behave like this and get away with it, or, worse, if he INCREASES his bad behaviour, all that happens is it takes you LONGER to cave and take him back. Big deal, is his attitude. Not MUCH to lose.
Ten months (or even 3-6 if months 7 to 10 were due to your hesitation) is just long enough to very patly suggest his having tried to make a go of a relationship with someone else (but failing with a less tolerant woman than yourself at the second hurdle), isn't it.
FYI, depression is not an excuse to behave like an arsehole. If it were, depression would likely by now be graded as a dangerous, even fatal condition :-p.
"AND THE FACT WE HAVE TWO CHILDREN". There it is! That's (partly) why you didn't dare leave him, in a nutshell (highly common inhibitor, that is).
News for you: you'll still put your children's present and future welfare (and what calibre of adult they'll likely become) in jeopardy if you lower yourself to husband's level. Since you clearly don't love him any more - and why would you after he's spent so long kicking it out of you - why are you trying to lilypad leap from that relationship into this new one? Why don't you just divorce him so that you can keep your head held high?
Answer: the second reason why you never dared put your foot down or leave: You lack the confidence to be on your own.
News for you: you've this entire marriage BEEN on your own, including single parenting!
HOWEVER, you have to ask yourself: what kind of man would be "fine" about aiding and abetting someone in a serious (emotional) crime known as adultery? And how does that attitude bode well regarding you and he being a couple in the future? Does that 'fine'-ness apply when it comes to being the main perpetrator as well? I'd say so, because the attitude is this: cheating on a lover and thereby avoiding sorting out the marital problems or ditching the relationship and starting over with someone new is a perfectly acceptable thing to do when in that situation.
Great. Nice map of your future, there, eh?
"I thought I would feel guilty about cheating on my husband but I dont, does this mean I shouldn't be with him anymore?"
OHHH, yes! That or a sign you and he need serious couples counselling (including CBT for him so he can learn how never to behave towards someone you purport to love most in the world) (or send him back to his mum so she can damn well finish her job properly or do it over :-p).
Don't always believe what you think you think or feel you feel. You're not falling for this new guy. What you're falling for is what you see as a quick and easy escape hatch. In fact, (ref Snakes & Ladders boardgame) it leads to a snake. Down you go back however many squares, in the process losing all the headway you'd sweated for so long for. And for what reason? Just to avoid being what you already are despite you have someone on-hand to chat to of an evening? Big deal - there are millions of those around, EASILY replaceable.
However...The kidlets. FYI, if you're happy (which includes no guilt and shame forevermore showing you a snout any time you look at yourself in the mirror), the kids will be happy. So just do either of the right things: attempt to fix your marriage or leave your marriage. And then in the future, your kids will, if ever they find themselves in your position, do the same. And then THEY'LL get to enjoy all the benefits of a clean conscience and optimum self-esteem. And then THEIR kids will and THEIR kids will then THEIR kids (you get the picture).
A man starts as he means to go on (and men pigeonhole you right from the start, replete with quick-drying cement on that floor). If ALREADY you're labelling the relationship FWB then - game and any chance of promotion OVER.
Better to stay/fix or leave/start afresh with a man who loves you too much to ever settle for anything less than "this goddess is mine, all mine, nobody else's, EVER, and I'm going to make SURE of that [produces engagement ring]!".
Does that answer your cover question?
Very easy for us to say but leave him. The other guy from your course doesn't sound great either as he should not in my opinion be getting involved with a married women.