Low confidence causing problems in relationship
I am looking for advice regarding my relationship with a couple of problems. Me and my boyfriend have only been together for just over 2 months (although we previously went out when we were younger) and recently we have not been having sex anywhere near as much as we used to. He told me that he hasn't been in the mood and now finds sex like a chore and off putting as it is only at night when we go to bed that we have sex. I don't really make the first move, even if I am in the mood, as I have such low confidence that I just get so nervous, and am also very scared off rejection, as I know the first time he said no I would take it personally and would feel like I have done something wrong. I know that he is right and that sex should be spontaneous and not always at the same time but my problem is how do I go about making the first move, and also I now keep thinking that he no longer finds me attractive or wants me due to my looks as I am slightly overweight and not the best looking girl.
My second problem is that he tells me I am pushing him away because I over think things and get paranoid at times. Before we got together I was single for 2 and a half years after a few bad relationships where there was cheating, violence and a lot of put downs and emotional abuse, so I find it hard to believe that someone could just love me for me and not want to find someone better.
I know that if I don't stop letting my past experiences affect my relationship today that I am going to end up loosing him, and I really really do love him, and he treats me really well, tells me he loves me, doesn't put me down, buys me things and seems to enjoy spending a lot of time with me, it really is just the sex thing that seems to be getting to him, and I enjoy being intimate with him so I miss us being as close that way as we used to so would appreciate any advice on how to get over my issues so that I can make this relationship last and not let my issues push him away and put him off me as they have been doing
Both your problems are connected. Your love meter is going down girl. Do something to spice it up. When attraction in the relation goes down, sex too goes down. Take your focus off the past and think of genuine ways to please him. As for first move in sex, try something new like a strip tease , a sex game. Keep him in anticipation like leave naughty notes for him etc. Go through net ....plenty of ideas around!
I half agree with the last comment. I think it would be a great idea to try to spice things up. But it shouldn't be all down to you. If you are low in confidence suddenly doing a strip tease may not be so enjoyable for you. He needs to make an effort too. I myself was in a 4 year relationship and the last 1.5 years no sex. I think it is something you need to sort out quickly as the longer you leave it the more pressure on you both. I would just get in bed as normal and take control. As in get on top take him by surprise. If you are shy about your body then wait until lights off and just climb on top. Sorry to be rude. Good luck and don't make the mistake I made and let it go on for to long
You said "he tells me I am pushing him away because I over think things and get paranoid at times."
Just as people get "turned on", they can get "turned off." He has told you what turns him off.
Counseling would help you figure out the source of your over-thinking and fears.
Thanks for the replies. SUSIEDQQQ, he says that it is a turn off as he doesn't feel like I am making an effort, and that it is a turn off as I don't trust him and question things at times, which I know is down to my own past issues. I am currently seeing a psychologist, but as I said, this is my first relationship in two and a half years, and my first in a long time where there has been no abuse of some kind, wether it be emotional or physical, so I think that I am just finding it hard and that maybe it will take time, but then I think to myself, how much time will it take me to feel better about myself and will he still be there wanting to be with me or will I have ruined the relationship and completely pushed him away by the time I actually do like myself.
You know what you are doing. So the question is WHY you are doing what you do.
Could be: you really do want to shed yourself of this guy. After all, two months dating is not enough time to base live-in success. Too much, too fast? Plus, after the lusty beginning starts to fade (as it does) you now have to look at each other and actually interact (live)with each other. Do you like what you see? You talk about trusting him. Pay attention to your gut feelings. The idea that he blames you for the success of your sex life is troubling. Where's his effort?
You just aren't ready to be in such an intense relationship right now, and need more time to get ready to develop an accurate ability to spot "Mr. Right."