My husband and I are both on our third marriage. I have a daughter, an adult, who lives with us, and he has a son, still in school, who is with us every other weekend and for extended time during the summer.
I am very concerned by my husband’s behavior when he drinks. He has gotten drunk with his son. Once when he and my daughter got drunk, (I found out after the fact), it was a drinking “contest,” and she was so drunk that I seriously considered taking her to the hospital.
Most recently, he did two things while drunk (my daughter was sober). First, he and I were not getting along. My daughter is in her second month of a new relationship. So, my husband began a conversation with her about how relationships change for the negative after the initial “enamored” phase. I felt very angry because it seemed like he was using his conversation with her to communicate his dissatisfaction with our relationship. In the same conversation, he tried to show her a video he’d seen. It was a young woman laying on a couch in her underwear, passing gas. My daughter reacted negatively and told him she didn’t want to see it because it was gross.
He made excuses for showing her the video, saying it was funny, it was on YouTube, etc. He also was defensive by saying that I do things with my daughter which he disagrees with. This was in response to my telling him that it was completely inappropriate, and that it made me feel like a bad parent to leave it unaddressed. He did apologize and said that like the drinking contest, he would never do that specific type of behavior again. I also told him specifically not to bring up our discussion with me in front of her or with her at any time. He has done this type of thing (bring up something he says he got “in trouble” for) in the past, and I explained that when he does that, it undercuts our agreement.
Two days later (last night), he was drinking beer and asked her if she wanted some, twice. It felt like he was “pushing the envelope” – walking up to the line without crossing it. I don’t know if he’s trying to reinforce his power and/or trying to bait me.
So, I’m upset. Honestly, I want to leave. I am angry with his behavior. It is part of a pattern (I feel REALLY stupid recognizing this now) – before we were married, he bought my daughter alcohol when she was 19, underage. In the last three years, while drinking, he has flirted with one of her girlfriends, allowed his son to leap over an open bonfire, driven drunk, behaved obnoxiously while drunk at a concert, etc.
I feel very much in a quandary because it is not financially feasible for me to leave – it is possible, but it would be difficult.
It is emotionally challenging to accept the possibility that I have made a mistake, again, in choosing whom to marry.
I also feel like a failure as a parent – if I leave, my daughter would need to leave with me. Her financial situation would change along with mine.
I would welcome any feedback and/or additional questions you have.
At the end of the day, your husband has a drinking problem which causes his behavior to become, as you say, obnoxious. This alone should give you a heads up of just what sort of a person he truly is because alcohol doesn't lie.
From personal experience his drinking will only get worse before it gets better and if you have no previous experience in dealing with a drinker, then you are in for a rough ride.
Sit him down and give him an ultimatum, because while leaving is difficult both emotionally and financially for you now, it will become the only option for you if you continue to allow him to behave the way he does. It's your choice.
Drinking alcohol is not an excuse for bad and irresponsible behavior and if it becomes a disease, it causes untold damage particularly to those closest..damage which is already beginning to happen to your marriage with him now.
Only you can decide if you want to live like this. Please consider going to Alanon (that's for family members of people who have drinking problems.)
If he doesn't change and you stay with him, it's because you sold yourself (and your daughter) out for the money and the lifestyle.
If you leave, you can say you left for your own health and the health of your children, who desperately need a role model since his alcoholism is being encouraged for them to model. Please notice their drinking habits.