Do pregnant mothers ever matter?
Or is that once a woman becomes pregnant, what she wants/desires/needs becomes forfeit? That's how my life seems right now. This fetus is more important than anything I could do or say and I have just become an incubator. It doesn't matter to anyone how it affects my life at all.
Define 'anyone'. Do you mean your husband?
By anyone I mean anyone. It includes my husband, but also everyone I know.
Can you describe all the treatment you're receiving that makes you feel like a mere incubator in their eyes?
Of course you matter! You are more important than the baby! But PERO, you could be getting them wrong. All they probably want is for your baby to be healthy. These pregnancy months are crucial for determining how healthy the Baby will be. Your family and friends could have misconceptions about the right way to go about it which is why it has irritated you so much.
Suggest you buy a pregnancy book and ask your husband to read that with you. So it will take off lots of unwanted pressure from you.
Pregnancy is a difficult time but its only 9 months max! So relax.
They don't care about me. They don't care how miserable this baby has me feeling, how it has totally ruined what little I had. I just get told that I'm still in shock, it's a surprise pregnancy, I'll be fine. Or I get called crazy, because once you say anything negative about a precious fetus, you're nuts.
Pero, you can tell us how you are feeling. May be we can help you with your issues.
As far as your family goes, the ladies must have undergone pregnancy themselves and must be feeling its no great deal. For you it might be your first experience and hence feeling all the more miserable (believe us we too have had our issues during pregnancy). The men find it difficult to understand the changes we undergo in our bodies (both outside and inside). Doesn't mean they don't care for you. Its just that the baby is more delicate and vulnerable and hence extra care and concern for it.
I don't want it. I feel like I'm already stuck at home due to health issues, and now I'll be stuck at home with a crying baby, unable to do anything I'd want or like to do again.
What are these health issues. And why are you proceeding with the pregnancy if you don't want it? Also, how far along are you?
In fact, it's not true that you become unable to do anything you'd want/like to do again because there are such things as family, friends and babysitters (and that childhood from a parental perspective is gobsmackingly brief, meaning, before you know it your life's completely your own again). However, if you don't actually want a baby yet then that's how you feel and that's that. So, back to the above questions.
I am legally blind due to a degeneration disorder. I cannot drive, see at night, I have no balance, I get sick and get headaches. Everyone says I'll still get to travel, I'll just have to take it with me, and I don't want to take it with me. I want to live my life, what little I get, before I'm entirely blind. It is no comfort that I will get to see a child before I lose my eyesight entirely.
My husband wants it, so I have to have it. About 18 weeks now.
Oh, I see - you don't want a baby JUST YET. That's different. And that's completely understandable given your situation.
What if you'd never met or married him him. What alternative measures would you have in place regarding your day-to-day needs?
Your husband wants it so you "have to" have it? Beg your pardon? Who is he - Kim Jong-un? (Are you hearing yourself?)
There is nothing set up for me regarding day-to-day needs. I have tried for, and been denied, disability. I have no public transport. I suppose I would have lived with my mother if I hadn't met him.
Well what else do you propose I do? I can't magically make it go away.
Not all women have a maternal instinct. So don't feel bad that you have these feelings.
You must tell this man that you are unable and unwilling to care for this child, so he will have to step up and get full time help to raise it, or consider adoption.
I say this only because I am concerned for the baby's wellbeing.
Bring in an agency for assistance, if you must to help you figure out what to do.
Agree with Susie in principle, only how is that kid going to feel and be psychologically affected once it's old enough to realise its mother didn't want it or didn't want to be involved whatsoever in its day-to-day care?
Your only other alternative is to get a termination before the 24 week deadline. HOWEVER, you must be aware of this option yourself, plus it's really not good enough to say you 'have to have it' like you're wholly helpless when it's *your* body and *your* life for the next 18 years and you're *not* literally held captive by this man, chained up in his basement. No-one can possibly MAKE you keep a pregnancy and raise a baby against your will. So it's obvious to me that you're going ahead with this pregnancy rather than refusing because - what? You're scared he'll divorce you if you insist you're not ready for motherhood and don't want to remain pregnant?
You cannot become a healthy mother to a child under those coercive and/or compromisory conditions, and your husband must be made to see this simple fact and appreciate that it's simply the wrong time, meaning you going ahead will just result in all THREE of you ending up unhappy.
If he won't see reason, have a word with your mother about moving back in with her and getting her to help you make an appointment with your doctor or antenatal midwife to discuss your huge misgivings and what your options are.
Saying all of that, however, if you went ahead you certainly wouldn't be the first seemingly non-maternal woman to get the surprise of her life once she's holding that tiny little bundle in her arms and feeling a whole new purpose and life meaning having suddenly opened up to her. It could actually be the making of you and have you kicking yourself for ever having thought it would be the END of your life as you comfortably knew it. The thought of travelling could instantly pale into nothingness in comparison. Again - very common outcome.
Lots of things to consider, therefore. But I definitely think you should be seeking your mother's help with all of this if your husband and his side of the family are treating you like a non-entity with zero needs, feelings and rights. Au contraire - "The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world", so cease thinking you're so damn powerless, okay?
Personally I'm pro choice, always have been. There are options for you. It's ok in this day and age with our medical advances to terminate a pregnancy, it's ok for you to have that choice, that's your choice for you to make, no one else.
A bit of me is thinking that is not what you want, as you're 18 weeks, unless you found out late.. Hmm still, I think maybe you are just scared. That's ok too, I totally get the baby incubater thing!!! I'm pregnant too, 30 weeks, and the way my mother in law speaks at me, asking about doctors appointments (invasive!!!!) and other stuff totally gets under my skin. I know she wishes well but it wouldn't hurt to ask how my weeks been, like a normal adult conversation rather then exclusively weird questions regarding my baby's well being.
It'll be the hormones too trust me I've been a total emotional wreck, ladies that say they weren't crazy during pregnancy are probably just 24/7 crazy.
I been scared too because my partner once threatened to leave me and I don't have much support or money, with out him I'd not only struggle financially but emotionally too which is a scary thought, mainly in regards to what kind of parent I'd be if I am broke and emotionally unwell. I fear I'll treat my daughter the way my mum treated me, (very well up untill I was approaching teens & then neglected me and was abusive because of alcoholism) I cry sometimes. Sometimes I fear I won't even like my own child! Lol! It's normal to have fears like this. It's ok to be scared about how you're going to feel about not being able to do the things you used to
I have the fears I've expressed and more. But I also have a lot of hope, I love the fact I'll have my own family, I know I will always have a reason to keep going, I know that If I find it hard I'll find strength like I never experienced before, I know there will be bad times but I think of the good times that will out weigh the bad, how my daughter will love me as unconditionally as I know I will love her, that one day when she is fully grown I'll be proud of the person I raised and well be friends. I hope that I will be a good parent and I have faith that I can and will, I don't let the fears overwhelm me. I hope you can make a choice and feel better, if this is really not the time for you then do what is right for you ! But also consider the positives of a family, a child isn't some hinderounce you're lumbered with for life a child is a gift that will bring you joys and horrors like you never felt before haha and they grow, pretty quick, nursery, pre school, school, before you know it they'll be all grown up and looking after you in return. You could find you time if you wanted, but if not that's ok it's ok to consider your options. I am so sorry for your predicament and hope you find the right support for you to make a choice of your own, what ever your heart feels is best you do it , have a google of relevant support services in your area to contact xx
But see, its happening here as well. The baby's well being. And no, I don't want to lose him to divorce, so I have to have it.
My eyesight and seeing things while I can are important to me. Call me selfish, but it is. I don't want to wait years to be dragged to a child friendly place I don't even want to go. I may not even be able to see in years.
And no I didn't find out until 12 weeks.
Pero, for all you know, this child who is a part of you too can be the very one who'd support you throughout life! If this child is like you liking travel, there would be no stopping the two of you (My smaller one is like that. Loves to travel anytime, anyday). You can see the world through this child's eyes even if your eyesight fails you later on in Life.
And yes pregnancy comes with its blues. But its temporary and memories of it are short lived.
I don't want to see through anyone else. It's bad enough as it is, having to get people to describe something to me occasionally.
May I suggest that you are angry about your impending loss of sight and are transferring this unto this pregnancy?
Please see a counselor. You need to talk to someone in person about your feelings.
I will not see a counselor, and I am sick of being called crazy. I am angry at the loss of what little I can do and what I hold dear, but it's no big deal so long as the fetus is OK.
Who told you that you were "crazy"? You are far from crazy, my dear!!
Look - this pregnancy and the prospect of caring for a child is weighing on you. You don't seem to have much support from your family. You need to bring in SOMEONE to be on your side in all this.
Do you have pregnancy help centers where you live? They counsel women who have unplanned pregnancies - whatever your decision is. They will counsel you AND your husband. He sounds like he needs it too. (I am assuming you have told him all your feelings, right?)
Ok, Pero, I do understand you are angry and are filled with lots of resentment against this unwanted pregnancy. Now whats the way forward? You don't want to terminate the pregnancy because of family's wishes. You don't want to give birth to this baby. You don't want to meet a counselor who can help you with your feelings (Oh by the way, are you under the impression that only crazy people meet counselors? We all need counseling at some point of time in our lives). So now what next? Do you plan to spend the rest of your pregnancy months in anger and hatred? And what happens when the child is born? You will be hating it so much. Can you bear to live with the baby being around you? Won't the anger be much more than what it is now? You and your husband BOTH need a third person who can understand both sides and communicate between you both.
The only way forward I can see is having it and losing what little I have in my life. And yes, people are calling me crazy. Everyone who suggests a counselor is saying that.
You said: "The only way forward I can see is having it and losing what little I have in my life."
I don't understand how you tie these two things together. You said you are losing your sight, and it was just a matter of time until it is complete, and you want to travel before this happens. So ???? Travel with the child and an aide. Your future goals and desires need not be put to the side because of this. (Heck, if that were true, many women would not be where they are today.)
It makes sense to me. I do not WANT to travel with a child. I do not want to travel with a nanny. I want to go places I want to, some of which are not the place to take a screaming baby.
I'm sure they don't mean it LITERALLY, they're probably just using the stock vernacular, as in, 'What - you wouldn't want to win the lottery - are you crazy?!'.
In fact, insane people *don't* seek any form of therapeutic intervention for themselves (they more often get forced there), it's only the sane who ever stop to ponder whether they might be crazy. So that puts paid to that one. And it's always strong yet over-independent people who see shame in merely seeking 'a brain to borrow' and that try to colour it as more serious- or ominous-meaning than it is. Mistakenly, though - simply due to the fact they're not used to leaning on, just being leant on... being everyone else's rock.
In fact, yielding to needing counselling is a sign of intelligence finally applied in the right direction, because only making full use of all that life lays on for you in terms of assistance/input/cooperation makes success possible (because 'no man is an island').
I agree with Susie about your projection of grief and anger onto this- not baby but *pregnancy*, especially its timing. But you have to be more philosophical in this life, including have faith that whomever/whatever is 'up there' knows what it's doing, is an expert - including WHY NOW? I know I don't just speak for myself (because I've seen it too many times) when I say, all of the so-called worst things that ever happened to me in my lifetime turned out to be the very BEST thing merely in painful wrapping paper...things I raise a glass to in gratitude for having happened (including WHEN they did). I repeat - it knows what it's doing and why and what beneficial state it'll lead you on to, so you have to learn to develop more faith in life and its surprise events. In other words, it's life's way of getting around the barrier of your mis-thinking, taking the choice or final decision out of your hands because your own could stuff up its plans for you as lead to a more happy life situation. This baby could well be your compensation come salvation.
You have been mutineered, in other words. So struggle and rail as much as you like against your seeming bad luck, and be prepared to at some point soon say the biggest DOH! of your life.
You obviously do sense this yourself which explains precisely WHY you're paralysing yourself with blockades against remedial actions, blockades that *aren't* as impenetrable as you claim ("I can't do A because of B, I can't do B because of C, I can't do C because of A"). You "can't do" because you deeper down know you shouldn't and mustn't. Berbom.
Trust me, when anything really is a problem, a person does something, ANYTHING, to put paid to it and s*d the potential, minor/offshoot consequences.
You're going to have this baby and end up ucking glad and grateful you did. Guaranteed. So edicts you and your gut instincts.
I do not believe in any higher being, and have not for a long time. It's a problem. It's a big problem, but no one takes me seriously, that much is quite clear. People either have not been in my situation, or they don't believe it. I can't "wait." And I don't want to travel with a baby. So there's no other answer, unless someone is holding something back.
And I also would put money on it NOT being a screamer (few weeks of colic excepted) but one of the types that mainly lies there gurgling and smiling and happily playing with its toes.
look dear pero, first of all you need to decide yourself.. Do YOU want the baby or not? it's 18 months old and upto 24 months you can terminate safely without damaging your body, so you need whatever you want to do, quick. did you want the pregnancy yourself?
1. maybe what you are feeling is truely hormonal or 2. you didn't want this pregnancy at all. if you didn't really want, there is actually no need to bring a child into the world where he/she will feel unwanted. but the fact is, you don't want to terminate, but you don't want it yourself.. this is neither here not there..
if you don't want to for for a counsellor, that's fine. go to the obstetrician who is supervising your pregnancy and ask her/his help. i am sure the doctor can help you now.
if you decide to go on with the pregnancy, my advice would be, a baby isn't a hindrance for travelling.. and only first trimesters are dangerous for travel, unless there are complicating factors( recurrent pregnancy loss, multiple pregnancies) . as you passed your first trimester, you can safely travel by air or whatever the choice you have. and by now, the early sysmptoms must have subsided..
and if you decide to terminate the pregnancy and your family really want a baby, there are always adoption agencies and surrogacy options..
its ok, dear!! do not put so much pressure on yourself! stick with whatever choice you make, but make sure do it without harming your body and mind.
I do not want it. I have known for about six weeks, I thought maybe I could grow to like it, but that has not happened. But I am the only one who feels this way, my husband is absolutely in love.
Then will he agree to organise a live-in nanny, and could he afford to, or would one of his family members, e.g. his mother, want to take up the role (under the clear condition that if you suddenly felt differently after the birth, the provision could be reversed without any obstruction from the family member)?
It's quite simple: if you don't want it or not where you'd be mostly responsible for its day-to-day care, then he has to find ways to persuade you to continue with the pregnancy; that's the reality of the situation here. So you have to lay your cards on the table - ALL of them - so that he KNOWS this is what he's up against. Correct?
He has talked about a nanny before, mostly because I don't get to leave the house anyway. And he knows I'm not interested nor am I up to much.
then you must immediately seek for help with your OB-GYN consultant (do you have one?)..
unwanted pregnancy is one thing but hating the fetus would be another matter. it would bring no good to you and your child.
as you are carrying your child in your womb, you have a say in your pregnancy more than anyone else.
open up with your doctor and see which options are best and safe for you.
sit with your husband and calmly explain (without yelling or losing temper, looks like you have anger issues). " reason" with him as Vito Corleone would say.
But there is no reasoning. It's either get rid of it and lose my marriage, or have it and lose everything else. He loves it. He wants it.
OK, this site works a lot different than I thought. Once your topic is gone off the page, it doesn't matter.
Your topic doesn't 'go off the page' because we get email alerts the minute you post. Unfortunately for you and others, however, we regular advisers aren't sat here 24/7, we have lives and jobs. I myself have my own business to run and despite it's done *mainly* from my PC, it's not exclusively so, meaning I'm frequently busy doing other things or am out. Plus there are other threads being started all the time, other posters crying out for attention... it's like plate-spinning. So you have to be a bit patient. And yes, I realise time is your enemy at the mo but we're all doing our best, PERO, so please refrain from such petulance, okay?
Anyway... If you want my bottom-line, honest opinion (and, YES, actually, I HAVE been in your 'don't want it' situation despite my equally justifiable reasons had nothing to do with losing my sight), it's this:
I personally wouldn't even wish to stay married to a man who would tacitly or otherwise give me the certain impression that were I for whatever reasons unprepared at a given point in time to have his baby despite he definitely was (- easy for HIM to be, eh!?), I would stand to lose him and the marriage. A baby is not a commodity. It's supposed to be the next step up in a relationship, something to make your mutual feelings as have surpassed a critical quantum and calibre TANGIBLY MANIFEST. "Here is a little flesh-and-blood authentication of how lifelong solid we as a couple feel and have felt for already a long enough time and that we ran out of all the other ways in which to show each other how much we mean to each other and always will".
IS this his unspoken threat via myriad subtle communiques or is this just a fear you've cooked up in your head? If not, if he doesn't want you unless you provide him with a baby when HE wants and expects, then - SCREW HIM! Frankly!
But here's the problemo: you've already between the lines communicated to *me* how you do *not* have 100% love for this man. Part of it - a LARGE part - is *need*...and not the orthodox, relationship-part-and-parcel kind, but because you've increasingly become reliant on other people to the point now of needing a main carer. You're his dependent, and somehow have been made to feel that the deal is - yes - DEAL is - that you pay for his care with something he, due to surprise circumstance, has realised or admitted he wants very badly: a baby.
That is not how marriage based on love - the only bedrock for bringing a mini-You+You into this world - works.
Is this your true marital foundation either always or just lately or isn't it? Because, where's his understanding and empathy? Where's his taking the giant hint? Where's his extrapolation from how you feel now towards when that baby's old enough to notice and feel how wanted it is by its own mother of all people? I mean - does he even care about the baby into child into everybody's adult 'tomorrow'? Where's him telling YOU to terminate the pregnancy until such time as you're used to your newly alien world to point of clockwork?
I repeat: who IS this man - Jim Jong-Un?!
"Men love women, women love kids, kids love hamsters".
He's the man and you're the woman.
So something is not right here. And if something is not right then you sure as hell, the two of you, aren't at the door marked Baby Land.
Confirm or clarify, please.
Please explain to me where the hell you pulled that I don't have 100% love for him. The reason I'm having this, and losing my dreams, is because I love him. He's in love with it, and I want him happy, and my marriage.
Yes I do understand, you are in love with him and are sacrificing for him. But the problem is instead of feeling good about your sacrifice, it has got you feeling very bad! How far can you live on with this feeling? It is not something that will go away after a few days because your baby will keep reminding you of this?
As far as traveling is concerned, you can travel from the 4th month to the eighth. After that, once the child is born you may be tied up to the child if you are breastfeeding but if its bottle feed then you can travel. Since you will be having someone to take care of the kid, you can leave them back at home, can't you?
I don't know. He's already decided to take me somewhere next week, hasn't even said where. But no one understands my point. I don't want to travel with a screaming baby and I don't want to wait, because if I wait until it can walk or something, I might not even be able to SEE anything at that point.
We are going around and around in circles here.
You love your husband. You are carrying his child.
This pregnancy puts a self-perceived sacrifice and burden on you that you are not willing to accept.
What DO you want to do?
Or are you just venting, for the FIRST time you have been able to?
I have said what I wanted. Or have I not been clear? People seem to make that complaint a lot.
Your anger is so obvious it's almost PALPABLE. And it's also obviously too great to control because now you're even taking it out on us advisers when all we're doing is our very best efforts to HELP, starting with getting to the actual bottom of all of this. If none of our advice is putting paid to your issue despite that advice is all that's logically on offer in view of the circumstance you're insisting on keeping yourself tied into then logic and experience suggests that that's because the issue runs far deeper to where reasoning and pragmatism can have no effect.
No, you HAVEN'T said what you wanted. And even though repeating (or even copying and pasting in) what you claim to think you've already said you want, to Susie, would have been oh-so-simple - all YOU could come back with was, I've said what I wanted, and that other people likewise keep repeating that question to you. I'm not surprised they have!
You've said you don't want this baby so we've responded, then don't, to which you've responded, you HAVE to, meaning the concrete pretext of this unidentified dilemma is this baby is going to be born full-stop. You've specified what sacrifices and inconveniences the baby would demand and present and so we who've actually *had* kids have put you straight about the erroneousness of those pre-conceptions and yet STILL you whom are not* an expert insist it would be a 'screaming' infant who'd according to you need to *walk* before it could accompany you on any travels, etc., which is plain tosh. You've also as a running theme complained that people don't understand how or why you feel despite the fact of impending loss of eyesight and yet we've made it clear we can indeed comprehend how overwhelming the thought of a baby would be to a woman in your medical condition, so... you tell *me*: what exactly is it we have we failed to address?
I'll TELL you 'where the hell I pulled' you not 100% loving him due to your bond featuring too much of a sense of over-dependency: *from you*. To wit:
This fetus is more important than anything I could do or say and I have just become an incubator. It doesn't matter to anyone how it affects my life at all.
By anyone I mean anyone. It includes my husband, but also everyone I know.
They don't care about me. They don't care how miserable this baby has me feeling, how it has totally ruined what little I had.
My husband wants it, so I have to have it.
I am the only one who feels this way, my husband is absolutely in love [with the baby-to-be].
And no, I don't want to lose him to divorce, so I have to have it.
He has talked about a nanny before, mostly because I don't get to leave the house anyway. And he knows I'm not interested nor am I up to much.
Translation: Not even my husband cares how this pregnancy and looming motherhood affects my life and makes me miserable. He's too fruit-loopy over the foetus to take me fully seriously on the emotional level. I'm only doing it for him - (clearly very) grudgingly.
Sorry, but I were deeply in love with a husband with whom I had a healthy relationship, and fell pregnant unplanned, my feelings for him and our union together would get automatically and involuntarily transferred onto the impending baby because I would view it on the one hand as a mini-him and on the other as a mini-us and mini-me. That would be my reason for keeping it, about which I'd be HAPPY. In fact, in the context of having been reassured I'd have sufficient practical help and assistance I in my increasingly visually-impaired state would need, both now and once the baby were born, I'd view it as nature's very generous compensation for my loss of eyesight. HOWEVER, I'm not sure I'd be capable of passing my relationship NOR A PRODUCT OF IT off as reciprocal were my husband so lacking in thoughtfulness and consideration that he  couldn't conceive via use of his own initiative how, offer of practical measures notwithstanding, the 'eve' of a woman going blind is from a psychological point of view SO NOT the ideal time for for becoming a first-time mother and - worse -  wasn't even taking enough notice of all my obvious signs of abject reluctance when, there was me, shoving them right in his face! (Or have you merely shoved them in ours?) So maybe THAT is why you don't love him as much as you think you do - because to your mind he's not showing YOU loving behaviour!
I mean - damn right - what ARE you? Chopped Liver or an at-times over-dramatising whingebag who merely needs the correct amount of humouring and platitude-making and concerns-dismissals to feel all better again?!
He's supposed to be your Number 1 welfare protector! How is the way he seems to be ignoring or undermining your very real concerns (going by what you've described and implied), him being your protector? How is it him treating you like you come FIRST before anyone or anything else in this world?
If you knew you were with your lifelong rock thus felt safe under any circumstances that life might throw at you, you'd be reflecting this via your joy at pending motherhood and familihood. If, conversely, you knew without a shadow of a doubt that you were with the wrong man or wrong type of man for you to last a lifetime or even just an 18-21-year childhood, you'd be reflecting THAT - by running full pelt with your humanistic right to terminate the pregnancy or plan on adoption and to HELL with whether he'd go and react to that by ending the marriage!
But you can do NEITHER, can you. Because the truth is, deeper down than this mere cover issue, you're not sure EITHER WAY. And that is precisely why you're doing a brilliant impression of a helpless animal snagged in a trap that can neither fight nor flee,...totally paralysed against any effective action... meaning, all it can do is STRUGGLE AND WAIL.
Here's the magic key that somehow didn't occur to you and had to be pointed out by muggins, here: All-out confront him! Ask him to explain in lengthy detail WHY he who purports to til-death love you more than anyone or anything in this world would be so grossly insensitive and unimaginative as to pressure you to go ahead with something irreversible that you CLEARLY, ...REALLY...don't want to nor don't think you should go ahead with, and what does he think you or any sane individual is supposed to CONCLUDE from that?
If you can't bring yourself to call him to full account in order to stand up for yourself, your rights and bona fide, WHOLLY SENSIBLE wishes due to the fact that, eyesight or NO eyesight, baby or NO baby, you all on your own are a prize to be treasured and anything/everything else just BONUSES, then I fail to see the point of moaning and complaining about something you insist is an unavoidable inevitable over which you DENY to be merely venting. It'd be futile! All you have in THAT case is this: change how you see your whole present and future situation and count your blessings (despite they just don't feel like blessings at this premature juncture) and thereby make Lemonade out of those supposed lemons.
It's called a leap of faith. And whether you believe in some higher power or not means diddly squat to whether or not there IS a higher power or force at play in this life.
That's it. That's your only choice of action. Because no-one - least of all us lot - have a magic wand. Would if we could but we don't.
OK, you can just stop your replying right there! I don't want to see you here again. You pulled so much of that out of your rear end that it isn't even funny, and you just proved my point. Especially with that nonsense that I never said. I never said I wanted to wait and travel until this baby can walk. I don't want to travel with a baby or toddler, three year old or thirteen year old.
Your mother? Can't she take care of the baby while you travel?
See I do understand your point. When we feel that we are soon going to be handicapped (in some way or the other), we feel there is no time left and we want to do double rather triple of what we normally would do in these few moments(days/months or years) left for us to live our life! I myself at one point of time expected that soon I would be on a wheelchair (due to certain health reasons) and I wanted to complete all whatever I had ever thought of.
If your husband is taking you somewhere it proves that he really really loves and understands you. He wishes to convey that "this baby is NOT going to come in the way of anything you wish to do."
Pero, where there is a will, there is a way. You want to travel with all your heart? The ways will open in front of you automatically. If its not an elder family member, it could be a combination of a baby care taker (during the day) and husband (after his office hours) to take care of the little one while you live your dreams. There are examples of so many mothers who are career oriented women with kids who have traveled the world over for years together. The kids haven't kept them tied up.
sorry for late reply. i have read shivangi's, susie's and soulmate's opinion and i totally agree with them.
it may be hard to accept for you, but you are in serious depression amd you need counselling. i have seen some cases where mom doesn't want to see her child's face after delivery which we call "postpartum blues". and right now what you are suffering from is similar to that.
as a doctor, i request you please please please seek help from your obstretician and phychologist. don't mind me telling the truth, but you are on the verge of breaking down and being paranoid. you are unable to think rationally.
i repeat, PLEASE consult your physician.
blaming all other people who are trying to help you isn't going to get you anywhere.
Well . . . let me offer this:
I sense a feeling of jealousy about this impending child and how it has changed your life. After all, your husband has declared his love already for it and its importance to him, regardless of your feelings. You see it as nothing but burden and an obstacle to your ability to travel, in spite of all of us telling you it isn't so.
Unless you accept that this child won't TAKE AWAY from your life, but could actually enhance it - and your marriage - you are going to be stuck in this anger and resentment.
Is your OB-GYN aware of your feelings?
It's not a "feeling" that I will soon be handicapped. At sixteen, I was originally told I would be completely blind by the time I was 20. While that, thankfully, did not happen, my eyesight has gotten increasingly worse, to the point that I have to see a specialist every six months. This is not in my head or some crazy diagnosis.
And yes, she is aware of my feelings, but just tells me the same thing as everyone else. I'm crazy and need to see someone.
are you even reading all these advices that all of us are offering you? you are just brooding on one thing, " i love my husband, i don't want baby, i wwant to ttravel, but i have to keep it"
why why why? what's the solution? your husband is taking you to a trip, he is concerned about you. so what is the thing you are worried about? you can travel safely in pregnancy, ask your ob-gyn about your safety issues in travelling during pregnancy, I am sure she would give you a good advice.
you are not CRAZY. its just pregnancy hormones making your worries going overboard. as everyone else has pointed out, we all need ourselves be heard to somebody someday in our life, who is not related to uss and would analyze our lives on a third person's point of view. our body and mind undergo change and sometimes we are unable to cope with it. so we need a lending hand to guide us through these times. that doesn't mean we are crazy.
as this is an online community, we can do nothing much, only can comfort you with our words.
just as you wrote your problems here for advice, do it offline with some counsellor.
pero, I hope this advice helps.
this was the last piece of advice from me, and i hope you will read thoroughly everyone's advice here and STOP going on circles about your problems.
I've read everything. I can't say the same is being done for me. These advices as you say are not helping me. I suppose that's why I'm "going in circles."
"OK, you can just stop your replying right there! I don't want to see you here again. You pulled so much of that out of your rear end that it isn't even funny, and you just proved my point. Especially with that nonsense that I never said. I never said I wanted to wait and travel until this baby can walk."
"I've read everything. I can't say the same is being done for me."
You've read everything? Come off it! You certainly can't have *absorbed* any of it when evidence shows you're not even taking what *you yourself* have written - to wit (my asterisks):
Reply from PERO on Dec 9 2014 at 15:23
"I don't want to travel with a screaming baby and I don't want to wait, because *****if I wait until it can walk***** or something, I might not even be able to SEE anything at that point."
It's not my fault if you happen to be too emotionally inarticulate to explain yourself enough that people can instantly understand exactly what you're getting at, so I'll thank you *not* to take that unwarrantedly obnoxious tone with me. Saying that, however, I'm at least grateful for the superb, final enlightenment your latest response provides when it comes to WHY people in your real life are so repeatedly dismissive of you of late.
Coo, life's such a bleedin' mystery, ain't it? Allow me to clear it up for you with news from the *adult* world: an unplanned pregnancy and/or certain health issue does NOT give you carte blanche to behave, even in a public place, like a prize a*sehole towards other people, especially exceptionally socially-responsible, well-meaning strangers that give up masses of their precious time for zero tangible gain save for trying to make the world including its occupants a happier, healthier place.
Over and out from me on this toxic thread in terms of advice input, but anyone else here who's doormat enough to believe putting themselves into a helper position automatically marks them out as fair game for getting narked and spat at by a spoiled brat whilst they themselves have to stay behaving like some victim-martyr - be my guest. Frankly, however, anyone with any self-respect or adviser-adviser camaraderie should have decided against posting another word after witnessing that little stunt.
I'll still be monitoring, as per usual, though, so... You dare speak like that to any other advice-givers on here, Pero, and I'll come down on you like a ton of bricks.
And there's a fine example of power going to someone's head. If you remove this thread or block me, it goes to show how childish you are.
Pero, I never meant to say yours was a feeling!! I meant to say mine was. Sorry if it came across that way.
These advices are not helping you because you have created a huge mental block inside you (you are reading the advices, but it is not actually seeping inside you). I do not know who told you that you are crazy but you are assuming that we all think so too. Thats not true! You need to reduce the anger within you. You need to calm down first before anyone can help you. No one here says your problem is small, crazy or insignificant. You are here because you are extremely troubled.
Why everyone here is recommending a one to one counseling for you is because only a person who can sit in front of you and listen and talk to you can actually calm you down and get you to the listening point. Moreover that person can also talk to your husband and find out a way to help you with what you both want (a middle solution).
You never answered if there could be someone elder to take care of your baby while you traveled?
Nice emotional-blackmail attempt, Ms Lopez. Not nice enough. Appreciate the desperation, though.
All I'm going to say to that is I'm not the one name calling and swearing, nor am I the one with moderator behind my name.
No, Shivangi, there isn't. The only person I could think of would be my mom, and she has my teenage sister to take care of. As for his parents, he and I both agreed they will not be watching this baby without him around. They really messed up with him big time, and they don't care for me at all, so while they could per se watch it, that's not a good thing. But it's an entirely different situation.
Name calling and swearing??
LOL. Here, you forgot jet-bombing using semtex-loaded Pink elephants.
Anyway, GLAD that's 'all you're going to say'. Keep it up.
Keep it up. You're just showing what kind of person you are.
You couldn't resist, could you.
FYI, I have two personas on here. I'd have thought obvious from the fact I advise as well as moderate. Those last two messages up there were from Soulmate the adviser, who tried to give you *informal* warnings and more benefit of the doubt than was strictly warranted. 'Keep it up' meant, continue your apparent commencement of reining-in your bad attitude and rudeness, it *wasn't* some sarcastic invitation to post further character slur attempts.
This misinterpretation caused by your over-eagerness to jump to negative, hyper-defensive-aggressive conclusions is not my problem, however. It's yours to remedy, including learning to control yourself and thereby pay closer attention in future.
What comes next is from Soulmate the Site Moderator...
One more demonstration of inappropriately disrespectful attitude and this thread will be permanently deleted.