Wife's keeping Secrets : I'm devastated : alone
I've discovered my wife of 15 years is keeping secrets from me. A younger male working out of a different location but same employer and her are becoming over friendly. She has mentioned his name a couple of occasions in convo - and I saw some texts between them, it was just banter , but then she started adding x kiss on the end. When. He reciprocated, she made it two xx kisses on every text.
Now they text every day constantly during work hours.
It's mostly just humour etc, but the level of communication is alarming.
They actually have NO need to communicate - they're not really colleagues - just have the same employer..
What's really got me now is that she's started DELETING the chat before coming home
She's asked him out to lunch and arranged a date
She's made plans of what to wear and borrowed items of clothing
She's stared getting flirty in the communication
She's HIDING it all from me
She's told me none of this
I don't know what to do...
Do I wait, let them Meet for the meal and then ask her about it
If I ask her now she will deny everything, say they're just friends and take even more precautions.
I am dying inside
I've said nothing
I cry when I'm alone
I haven't slept in 6 days
I have developed severe head aches
I feel sick in the stomach
I'm not eating
I feel sick
I'm so scared of what is going to happen
I feel angry, disappointed....
I don't know if I can make the next few days up till they meet
But I feel like I must hold out to really be able to confront her
We've been arrived 15 years
We have 2 children
I love her more than anything on the world
I am dying inside
I'm normally an active, happy, lively healthy man
I feel broken
What do I do ???
You need to talk to her. Don't make accusations just talk and ask questions. There is probably no reason for you to be too concerned but maybe there is something missing from home? It is so easy to get caught up in the day to day boring routine of life. Between work, the house and children you can end up taking each other for granted. I know it takes two to work on any relationship and it's not just up to you to try and make things right but maybe she is just feeling a little overwhelmed with everything and maybe a little neglected by you and someone else has come along and started to pay her a little attention.
Just try talking and tell her how you feel.
I can recommend a person to talk to if you like
Thank you For commenting, I've been bursting with Anxiety as I've not spoken with anyone. I can't discuss with any friend or family in the fear of harming her reputation.
Yes we work and have busy lives, but I always make time for her.
Always tell her I love her and frequently take her out for a meal,just the two of us.
I buy her whatever she wants :: I've just bought her some very expensive designer shoes that I know she wanted, she was so happy and commented "I'll have to wear them for you" :: and yet I know she's actually planning to wear them for he planned meet with the other man.
I would like nothing better than to end this Now by speaking to her about it immediately. However I know If I speak to her now, she will A) deny anything is the matter
B) If I asked her about this situation - she would absolutely deny everything and say I was being silly - in fact she would probably turn it around on me and accuse me of not trusting her etc
I've been thinking of nothing else. That's why I feel I have to let it play out
Allow her to conspire and lie further, allow her to meet him
Then later confront her and allow her the opportunity to be 'honest'
If she can be completely honest we may have some saving grace, but to be honest the longer this continues, I really don't know what will be left to salvage
And I don't know how I will make it that far - it's only a few more days - but I'm at breaking point.
I've just spent another sleepless night and I now feel physically sick
I'm now counting the lies, She even lied to me yesterday maybe 4 or 5 times about things connected to this...
What do I do ??
Pls tell me if there is anyone I can speak to ?
I'm at breaking point....
I don't know the answer, but I am wondering...how do you know so much detail?
IVY Hi, when the feeling in my gutt was at a point that i just knew she was hiding something horrible from me i had to know for sure.
she stopped making eye contact
she was inconsistent with conversations
she was constantly distracted - always going secretly to check her phone
she Began HIDING her phone
her behaviour changed, and general chit chat seemed to be superficial
I had to be sure
so after some ethical wrestling, i took pro-active measures to be informed
A lot of you may not agree with this, Hell i don't exactly agree with this
But when youre in a position like i was, like i am -- then you see things differently and you just have to find out for sure
Had i not taking measures - i would be NONE THE WISER now, i look at a lot of things that go on day to day right now, behind the veil of 'i wouldn't have known this, and i would be living a lie'
Eventually its killing me to know
But i would much rather know - wouldn't you ???
I am trying to arrange to speak with a Psychotherapist Now - as i feel sick constantly, i haven't slept in 6 days, i shake randomly physically, im depressed, sad, angry, disapointed, heart broken.... and my concentration is wavering...
Thank You to any one that can offer any advise...
I take it you mean you looked in her phone and she, because she suspected you had, began deleting the evidence? Well, good for you, I say. Maybe in situation normal you shouldn't snoop, but in a survival situation (this case, emotional), your duty is towards protecting your own mental health. And what spouse cares anyway when one doesn't have anything of a hide-able nature in there in the first place? Isn't that a bit like a drugs supplier objecting to a Policeman insisting he empty his pockets?
You don't need further data. You know she's having an affair. Even were she keeping it contained to just texting, it'd still mean she were however much emotionally attached to another man when all of that attachment in that vein should be to you *exclusively*. "Forsaking all others" says the marital vow as features in the overall marital contract - repeat, CONTRACT. Legally binding. Affair - emotional but now likely to become physical to boot. She has broken the marital contract whichever way you look at it.
So what if she'd just deny it? If you and she were having an argument about what colour the sky was (where establishing that fact were vital to your present and future welfare including whether or not a crucial life-impactful contract were intact), and she likewise denied it was Blue - would that make you back down despite knowing different?
The reason you feel sick, etc., is because you fear confronting the issue with her head-on because of what you know will come to fruition. It already exists, is already reality, but because you don't want to do what it is you have to do, you'd prefer to tolerate feeling completely stressed and angsted to the point of it coming out physically. You're hoping more time will prove you WRONG, aren't you, because wrong lets *you* off the hook.
Nope, sorry, it's not going to go away. The quicker you face it, the quicker you can deal with it, the quicker it'll become history and the quicker you can get back to health and sanity. I know it's a shock of the highest magnititude to point of living nightmare, but you hiding from it just makes it 10 times worse.
Whether confronting her makes her wake up to herself whereby she gets back into your little marital boat and re-commences her share of rowing, or whether it makes her bail out altogether as leaves a vacancy for your next, better, more life-enhancing partner, is what you need to find out before you self-harm any further to where you'll be no good to anyone for a very long time.
Damage-limitation is in order. And you WON'T find it in that there sand you're trying - yet not succeeding - to bury your head under.
Fears are far more damaging than reality, anyway. If you know what exactly you're dealing with, deal with it you will. You're programmed to. Were you not, meaning neither were your ancestors, you wouldn't exist, berbom. Think about it.
I promise you'll come out of the wash just fine - guaranteed - possibly even better.
I agree with soulmate. Waiting is not going to change anything. It is allowing her to continue. Confronting her is telling her you don't want her to continue. She may anyway. Or she may decide to think about it a bit more.
She may try to be more covert but you'll still know if something is continuing. She needs a positive statement before things continue that you are not ok with it.
Thank you for your input.
Its coming to a head now. There have been developments. I feel less emotional all of a sudden, now that i can see how far she is willing to go, pretty much all the way.
she has now been secretly discussing with her best friend the upcoming meet with him.
The best friend went through exactly the same thing this time last year, she cheated on her hubby, he never found out, and they are still together - i discovered some of her best friends affair (by accident) and my wife exploded and fought with me last year - blamed me for being nosey etc... Said all the things they discussed were just 'BANTER'... Obviously they were not...
Since then i've always been suspicious.
Her friend is supporting and encouraging my wife to go all the way.
My wife obviously fancies this guy, shes got the hots for him...
I'm feeling so hurt and worthless right now...
They've discussed her raunchy outfit, jewellery and how she should 'Go All Out' with red lipstick and 'Kill It' :: i think this is all the evidence i need really - if i don't intervene, Will it have gone too far for me to accept her ??
Do i want to accept her now ??
I also get the feeling they think that this can go on secretly, and i will never know, she will come home to being the happy housewife afterwards...
So if i confront her and stop her Now, she will have to know i have ways of snooping on her and then those methods are OUT for future - It would take a very long time to build trust again, and i would need to know that i could secretly see whats going on when i'm not around.
If i allow her to meet him OR at least go to the meal - i then intervene, maybe turn up when they about to sit down, or when they have sat down... she will not know how i found out for sure, MAYBE I COULD TAKE HER BACK ? but then i retain my method of keeping an eye on her.... NOT SOMETHING I WANT TO DO - BUT MAYBE I WOULD NEED TO 'MONITOR' HER FOR SOME TIME, BEFORE I COULD FULLY TRUST HER AGAIN.
I think i could take her back if she came clean, but for my peace of mind i would need that extra level of knowledge, to know i have secret eyes and ears...
I will get through tonight somehow, must make a decision tomorrow.....
Please give any advise that you can.....
I recommend you speak to a coaching psychologist they help you through all areas how you deal with situation feeling etc I spoke to a very good one recently can give u number if interested and she's not too expensive
Yes pls John. Number would be great. Thanks.
Can I privately message you
Yes pls do. I'm new here, so not sure how that will work.
IVY :: you should know, i have always been in fact a loyal, very trusting, loving husband.
I do not have access to everything as you put it
Only when my suspicions were aroused did I feel it necessary to take these measures to be informed of her secret activities.
And I've proven my actions right - beyond any doubt !!
Had I not have done this, I would be NONE THE WISER right now.
It is ultimately important for me to tell her how I feel, but also I'm thinking ahead.
We have young children, If there is a chance that she comes completely clean, then there is a small possibility we could try to get to a place beyond this.
Therefore I must be pro-active, for my own sanity - I know for a fact I could Not trust her as I have done completely in the past. Maybe given time and therapy we could build some trust, but to do this I would have to keep my self-defences preserved.
Believe me I wouldn't want to live the rest of my life checking up on her...
But likewise I wouldn't want to live under a veil of doubt and suspicion.
Also I have No intention OR desire to 'Keep her in marriage, or make her love me' !
These things may or may not happen
They have NO consequence of my pro-active self preservation.
You really need to Think before you type...
Or refrain from typing altogether.
You have no idea - unless you're in this position yourself..!!
1. John2926, what you are doing is spamming, specifically preying on the vulnerable in an endeavour to make money out of them, which contravenes forum useage rules, and I've reported your post.
"But what you are doing (it seems you have complete access to her messages) is downright disgusting. / Yep when she finds out she will kick your arse to the kerb and that is where it belongs / Get help for yourself and perhaps you can become the husband that is worthing of a loyal faithful wife.."
What YOU are doing is outright judging, criticising and blaming for no good, productive reason. If you can't say anything constructive, nor in a respectful manner befitting one stranger to another in a public place, say nothing at all. That kind of purely subjective, negative and overly judgmental 'advice' is not welcome on this forum. Are we clear?
3. FEELSOLOW, please ignore them both.
I now have put 2 and 2 together and worked out that you hired a private detective. Is that right? IF so - GOOD FOR YOU. Who *said* you had to be a mushroom in this life - kept in the dark and fed nothing but manure! No-one with any self-respect and -preservation instinct, that's for sure. This is your one and only, all too brief LIFE. You do whatever you have to do to emotionally protect yourself now and into the immediate future that doesn't actually long-term harm anyone in the full sense of the word. You've been PUT in this position of survival, you didn't choose it. And I don't care WHAT you might have done or failed to do over the years as co-created any marital dissatisfaction or unhappiness in your wife. That did NOT give her carte blanche and a get-out-of-jail-free card when it comes to the emotionally lowliest spousal act known to mankind. No. WAY. It gave her no greater right than to come to you to say, 'Houston, we have a problem' or, if she was beyond wanting to fix anything, raising a divorce petition. Full stop/period.
What I suspect you're doing is trying to wait until her crime is much bigger before you confront her as well as a much more painful situation to witness because you're aware your end of tether has a way to go before getting reached (meaning your tolerance and boundaries have obviously become stretched), and because then you would have the ammunition for BEING CAPABLE OF taking more definite action, like starting the divorce process *if* need be. I.e. greater leverage. And thirdly, because you want to give her the time and room to wake up to herself and her heinous activity and cease off of her own bat (or see if she even can). Is that correct?
Her friend is no such thing, just a case on legs of 'misery loves company', someone who feels her own past crime would pale somewhat if someone else known to her and her husband were doing it. That she would encourage her supposed friend into making her life 10 times worse than it already is, is unconscionable and comes under exploitation. She should be discouraging and warning her! Friend, my arse. But it shows me what weak and pathetic state your wife is in that she would fall for this 'child catcher' in friend clothing.
*Did* she ever say, 'Houston...' or has this situation seemingly come out of the Blue?
SOULMATE - Thank you. my ramblings here have been just that, untethered and unprepared, just tap away in my current (rather unstable) state of my mind.
You are a true genius, i do not how but You have unequivocally made sense of and written what is the true state of my tortured thoughts...
I would like to answer some of you questions.
Firstly, Yes i have taken the services of professional private detectives to help fathom if my suspicions were true, i refuse to bury my head in the sand. and in light of the results *my doubts were founded* i did the right thing, and i stand by my decision.
Never was i aware of any serious problems or lacking in our marriage, i worship my wife, thinking back now, i Live for her more than for me. And she has no excuse for following this path she has chosen.
Yes, i could intervene here and now, OR as you correctly suggest the reasons for (very) painfully allowing the crime to continue to fruition: (1) my tolerance boundaries are stretched (massively i'm ashamed to admit) (2) so i need to see just how far she is willing / capable of going - how much misery and pain she is willing to subject me to, That would allow me to better handle and do what Must be done at that stage. (3) Finally to allow her a few days to come to her senses, and put an end to this heinous act of deceit. Possibly confess to me.. without my intervention. If this would happen, it would make an enormous difference to my mental state, when / if rebuilding later.
And as for her 'friend' :: you could NOT have put it better.
100% - i feel as though you have read my mind. I wonder how things could have been oh so different had she been a *true* friend and said thing like 'NO' 'you cant, must not do this' don't even think this way' you have so much to lose' etc etc
instead of throwing all caution and driving her up the same path that she herself laid. You are right, Misery needs misery!
and finally, NO she's never said Houston, Never indicated Houston...
I'm very open to discussion, talk about Everything to her.
But this past week a lot of things I've seen in the past have sudden new meaning.
I've not unscrewed the top from my bottle of grief, not allowed the emotion out.
Not yet, if i do, then i may end up handling things differently, may not be able to handle' them at all... that can wait..
the good news is i have managed to get a few days of sleeping tablets from GP, and i slept last night - first time in 7 days, And i have found a true friend in a stranger, something i had never imagined could be possible. You have given me reassurance in ALL that has been in my mind this past week.
Not long to go now,
Thank you SOULMATE
You're bloody welcome, but never mind all of that for now because...Aside from the ins and outs contained in your message, I just wanted to say straight off the bat that I've just found the crux cause of your wife's affair. It jumped out and hit me right between the eyes (all 3 of them
"Never was i aware of any serious problems or lacking in our marriage, i worship my wife, thinking back now, i Live for her more than for me. "
She thought she could. Berbom! And that you'd forgive her because, well, you live for her, meaning you'd rather die than ever lose her, no matter WHAT she did or didn't do. You gave her - or SEEMED to have given her - all the power.
Understand: that she even saw it as power points to her own failings, psychologically, because someone equally as Giver as you would have returned that doting-ness and loyalty in spades, not taken advantage of it as if it were some free ticket to Carte Blancheville, Heinous Behaviourton.
In short, you obviously spoiled her. And what do spoiled babies do? They certainly don't spoil you back! Nuff said.
Conclusion: Right Qualities (you) for a truly deep, satisfying, happy and life-lasting relationship - WRONG RECIPIENT.
And it doesn't take a genius to know HOW your boundaries became that over-stretched, does it (things that make me go, Hmmm).
I think this development, this making manifest of her anti-relationship, anti-teamship attitudes as stem from an intrinsic sense of over-entitlement and selfishness, is going to prove a godsend in your life. The 'company' was dissatisfactory, wasn't making healthy profits, was always doomed for bankruptcy at *some* point, and your partner has just fired herself from the partnership (albeit has meanwhile been arranging secret interviews with rival companies so as to ensure no gap in her CV and no loss of normal income). Take the hint and be glad that - assuming you want to treat it as such and can ensure to keep your head (I think so) so as to keep your kids coping with it all okay to point of coming out smelling of roses - you've been given the golden opportunity to start afresh and find (and you will) someone more like YOU.
But in order to be capable of viewing it that way you need to allow more time to lose those rose-tinteds come ego-tinteds (wanting to avoid being rejected) and see the marriage for what it is and always was. A mismatch. Great for producing A1 offspring, not so great where your personal lifelong fulfilment was concerned.
Let me help you off with those glasses:
"I wonder how things could have been oh so different had she been a *true* friend and said thing like 'NO' 'you cant, must not do this' don't even think this way' you have so much to lose' etc etc"
It's just as possible - often more so - that when someone says about whatever plan of action, 'Sure, go ahead, you have my blessing and full support!" rather than cites cases for desisting, this has the effect of making us lose our bottle. You sit and have a think of all such examples of this in your own life. You'll find loads. It's called reverse psychology and *doesn't* necessarily have to be intended that way on the part of the dealer.
Certainly having two, still-dependent kids should be all the barrier one reasonably would need whereby even the THOUGHT made one start in shock at oneself.
Sit and have a think and then report back.
By just catching them while having a meal together might not accomplish what you want. You will have to confront her for this to stop! (and give you some peace of mind too). If you don't want to reveal your sources, you can cook up some sources. Like for example tell her you suddenly overheard her while she was talking to her friend or overheard the guy brag to his friends etc.
Once you confront her , she may accept or deny. But it will tell her its not acceptable. Then its for her to decide to stop or not. If she does not stop, you know where you stand. If she does, you both will have to work on salvaging the marriage. Also ask her to keep away from this dangerous friend of hers.
Great advice from SOULMATE. I had a friend who has been there and remember no matter what its not your fault that this is happening. Some times people do crazy things and mess up their relationships for a fling and at the end of the day it is not worth it. They realize it when its too late. Things will get better and you will be stronger. Its hard now but you will get there. I wish you well.
EVE- thanks for your supporting words.
SHIVANGI - correct i don't plan to just 'catch them' - i mean to confront her! & Of course i will make it clear this has to stop. I will Not accept this behavior a moment beyond that point. And ask the question that is haunting me most :WHY?? i doubt i will get the truthful answer. And then i must search deeply to decide whether there is in fact any prospect of a future for us, as a couple.
SOULMATE - Correct Again..! i have spoiled her, out of blind devotion and Love.
It frightens me that the truth may be as dark as the possibilities that you have played out - however i do not doubt the truth of this - i have simply been in denial and hiding from these FACTS.
I am still going crazy from the reoccurring thoughts in my mind.
But the following is Firm and true (in my mind)
As unbelievably difficult as it is, I keep returning to the same decision, i must let this play out - until they meet (planned meet) even if it is just a meal or a drink it is as profound as any type of hidden affair in a marriage. The secrecy, the dishonesty, the deception... The reasons remain the same, 1)fortify my position,sanity,witness the magnitude 2)allow her to reach her potential - no more doubt (i would have/wouldn't have) 3)allow her opportunity to cease, stop and turn back (off her own bat)
SOULMATE - I am truly beginning to realise that are correct, this may have been a mismatch all along, this company may well have been destined to inevitable bankruptcy at some point. *However* Then there is the flip side - she may have made a one off grave error, and may realise her mistake(s). Only Following confrontation, once i have gauged her reaction, her explanation, reasons, level of Remorse and honesty can i begin to subjectively tackle those questions and my position reasonably. I am pretty sure I'm NOT making excuses *or kidding* myself - i am now open to the fact that this train may have reached its final station. And i will not kid myself, I am already a different person, i will not be emotionally raped and pillaged ever again. However it is only once we reach that station (confrontation) that we will later see if further tracks are to be laid OR we disembark for transit (go our seperate ways)....
As much as i do not want this, i did not ask for this. However i will not kid myself, if future sanity means changing mode of travel - so be it (apologies for the metaphors).
Of course depending on confrontation - and the outcome - there is the possibility we lay new tracks. This would only be possible if she were transparent (genuinely) and only if i could Forgive (unconditionally) otherwise i cannot trust. And you would never board a train in which you had NO faith in the abilities of the driver, would you ??
Thank you for your input, your words of advice & support are getting me through day to day.
You're still bloody welcome, FWL, but... Error? You call devastating your so-called soulmate's world AN ERROR? Did she trip and fall bang-slap into his arms? Come off it, FSL, you're clearly not there yet, not quite. And yet, then, in the very next breath, you are: "be emotionally raped and pillaged.
Also, remorse: remorseful is as remorseful *does*. Remorse, if the person is capable and if that level is worth anything, should kick in earlier than this.
All you have to do, FSL, is reverse the roles, pretend you're her. See for yourself in your mind's eye how far you could take things. Not very, is what I'm betting. I mean, how many "errors" does it take to get to arranging to meet in person in a restaurant? Have her mouth and fingers got a life of their own and which opposes hers ("whoops, NAUGHTY fingers, NAUGHTY mouth, stop it at once!")?
What does it say that a body even NEEDS to be caught and confronted in the act in order to cease that highly nasty and underhanded venture? Totally without an independent sense of right versus wrong, is she? Just an 8 year old girl in a grown-up suit, is she? Needs Dada to say, "NO! We do NOT commit adultery, it's WRONG-WRONG-WRONG!", does she?
However, you deal with it how you like, as and when you're ready. It's perfectly normal at this early stage to vacillate between acceptance and disbelief/denial, hope and grief, anger and fright, etc. It's a rollercoaster ride. But be careful not to make excuses and keep grief at bay, this is about dealing with the REALITY of the situation. Plus the less excuses you make, the less of a rollercoaster it'll be.
I highly recommend you read Mira Kirshenbaum's "Too Good To Leave/Too Bad To Stay". Whether you (try to) forgive and (try even harder) to forget shouldn't rely on what she does/doesn't do or feels/doesn't feel in this immediate period. Better that your stance right now is 'I am not having it!' because then she's clear on what she has to commence doing to make it POSSIBLE for you to forgive and eventually forget. Right now, all you have on the table is her crime, not her efforts at recompense. Correct? So react to what you've GOT, not what you hope will become the case. You need to react like a self-respecting person who's been the victim of a crime. That you've let her emotional states and wishes dictate this relationship in terms of your own feelings is part of why she thought she could do this. What about YOU? What would you be telling someone else in your situation to do?
Listen to Mira. There's absolutely 100% no arguing with her because it's all acid test questions and bottom line responses that leave zero room for any excuse making. Once you've read that godsend of a book you'll know EXACTLY how you feel and what you need to do. If you don't or still aren't quite sure, it's simply means you're not ready to fully face it, meaning, put it in a drawer and go back to it in another couple of weeks' time.
However! The fact you even NEED to catch and confront her in the act as her catalyst for stopping counts as yet another crime on her part, is what I'm saying. Capiche? You need someone like you, someone who'd rather stab themselves in the eyeballs before ever lowering themselves to that level or anywhere NEAR it and in the process EVEN RISKING completely traumatising and wreaking whole-life devastation onto not just your partner and his life but also those of your innocent and helpless children.
As Mira basically says, 'If your spouse cheats on you, never MIND does s/he still love you. S/he doesn't even LIKE you!'.
Sorry. But be honest: you wouldn't even want your worst enemy to feel like you're newly feeling, would you.
But here's the acid test about whether someone *does* underneath it all still like and love you despite perhaps lost sight of that fact: They go all out to try to make it up to you.
I repeat: They go all out to try to make it up to you.
Let's watch that space, then, shall we?
(Here if you need me.)