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Confused

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Relationship advice 4 months ago I discovered an unfamiliar mobile phone belonging to my partner of 12 years.
After reading all the text messages in it, it was obvious he had been contacting women on dating sites and organising
'dates' for coffee. It was also obvious that he had had a sexual relationship with at least one woman.

The messages started back in January 2013. Most messages only showed phone numbers but there were a few he had actually
given names to. I can only assume they were the ones that he met up with.

After finding his phone I then checked out his profile on the dating site. It was under a false name but I was able to
conclude and verify that it was him, he clearly stated that he was single and looking for a relationship.

I have since destroyed the phone as I realized I was tormenting myself by constantly re-reading the messages.

Long, long, long story short...I have forgiven him and we are steadily working at our relationship but my problem is he has
formed a 'plutonic relationship' with one of the women he had contact with from the dating site.
He insists that they have only met for coffee a few times and they chat on the computer every now and then and that is all.

From the content of the texts with the last women, (the one with whom he had sex), whether he had planned to leave me
or not, I will never know, but she certainly had expectations of them being together. I can only assume that he was
looking for a replacement for me.

That being the case, the woman he still has contact with, Irene, was a candidate for the job.

Jumping a little here, I find it very hard to keep to a point but last weekend Irene's name came up in a conversation.
He suggested asking her daughter to do us a favour while she is overseas. I couldn't believe that he had the audacity to
suggest such a thing but he had no problem with it at all.

I asked him if Irene knew that I actually existed. He said she did. Any other questions I asked him were answered with
sighs of exasperation and a lot of eye rolling. He reacted like I was demented for asking questions about her. He feels
it is quite normal for him to have this relationship with her.

The thing I am finding hard to get my head around is....Irene was obviously looking to form a relationship when contact was made between them. They met for coffee - they chatted on the internet.

So, at what point did he tell her about me????

In the beginning??? So why did she waste her time chatting with him and meeting up for coffee if she knew it was a
waste of time because he was 'attached'????

After they finally met??? Why would she bother having any sort of relationship with a 'cheat and a liar'???

I just find the entire relationship they have as very weird and unnatural. And based on the fact that she was a potential
replacement for me, I can't understand why he would want to continue with it.

It's not a trust issue. I have to...want to...trust him if I want our relationship to survive and it's not that
I think he is having sex with this woman, it's just why he feels the need to continue any type of relationship
with anyone he met on a dating site.

My question here is....am I justified in feeling this way or is it perfectly normal for him to have this type
of relationship?

I would really appreciate some honest opinions here from both male and female perspectives.


Confused

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Hi, I've been in a similar situation myself from both sides in the past, both as the victim of a liar and cheat and later when back single the "friend" of a liar and cheat i met on a dating website. Here's whats going on in my opinion.
Your husband is probably a serial cheater of some years standing, and now he's been caught, there's "one" hook-up that he has formed an emotional relationship with. She no doubt thought he was single when they first met, and they probably had a great raport and great fun when they were together. Now that he's either fessed up to her or told her he's gone back to his wife for whatever reason he's given her - financial, for the kids etc, he dosnt want to lose her from his life and thinks you believe him that it's all platonic now, which it probably mostly is, if Irene has any common decency, she'll keep it platonic. I know i did when my "friend" "went back to his wife" lol. eventually he's going to have to lose her, i'll tell you what my "friend"s wife did to me - She told him that I had been rude to her and their children when they came into my salon for an appointment that he felt was ok to make with me for one of his daughters. of course i wasnt rude, but his underlying guilt got him and he flicked me BAM so my suggestion to you is if you really want to keep him is to find a way to make Irene a bad person in his eyes. Unfortunately i believe once a cheater, always a cheater but he'll get old eventually and you'll win in the end. P>S> i hope i'm wrong xxoo take care

Confused

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I too understand your frustration and confusion with the situation you find yourself in at the moment but if I can be honest with you right now I will I don't mean for this email to upset you any more than you all ready are feel free to erase it but if there is one bit of advice I can offer you it would be to run. Are you really thinking that after finding out this information that when you confronted him he rolls his eyes as if you are the one with the problem and after he suggesting this ladies daughter do something having no regard for your feelings whatsoever you're going to be able to trust him in the future. He doesn't seem to care at all. I know from reading your story that you are a woman with a lot of love to give I know by reading your story you are fearful that after all these years with him you're afraid to loose him but is giving all your love to a man that doesn't give it back going to make you happy? Is hanging onto a man and allowing the situation continue - and yes trust me my dear it does continue I'm sorry to tell you but by staying with this man you have set the bar on how much you will tolerate in his behaviour you give him permission to do it again by not loosing you there is no consequence you are worth so much more than that. You deserve a to buy you flowers just because ... You deserve a man to give you hours not minutes... You deserve a man to show you respect you deserve better! If you were your daughter what would you tell her. You would tell her to dry her tears to hold her head up high and to find mr right there's plenty more fish in the sea that's what you would tell her. For every sixty seconds you give this man you are going to loose a minute with some one worthy of your time. You didn't need him before you met him you don't need him now you may choose to want him and that is your choice but you don't need him . I can give you the number of a fantastic coaching psychologist that helped me through the same situation you describe if you like. Her name is
Valerie 0851211589 regardless of the situation you find yourself in and decision you make she is brilliant I have uploaded her email to this comment so your reply will be directed to her if you so wish to reply as I feel that I am not qualified to give you answers this is just my opinion I wish you all the best xx Laura

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