PeoplesProblems Logo

Torn in what to do

Default profile image
My marriage broke down within a year, my ex drank to excess and I tried everything to get him to realise there was a serious problem, then he became verbally abusive and one night started to wreck things in the house, I called the police and he was arrested and to be charged later. During the time he was in the cell, I packed up his stuff and changed the locks. We have had contact and are seeing a counsellor, but I feel it all aids him not me the victim, I find myself supporting him in many areas, yet he does nothing for himself, briefly attended AA but he still drinks,has opportunity for better employment but has not followed through, begs me to have him back, threatens suicide and swore he will never let me go.He has severe depression and he believes that once I have him back he will be cured and everything that went wrong in our past will be better as he has learned how much he loves and needs me, and how strong I am without him. Part of me still loves him and wonders if we could work, whilst the sensible part of me says I am better off, physically, mentally and financially. I have family and friends support, but all this is dragging me down, yet I cannot find the words to tell him to leave me alone.

Torn in what to do

Default profile image
You have analyzed your issue and answered it with the right words. You have recognized that unless he quits alcohol completely, nothing will change. If he threatens suicide, this alone is enough for you to stay away from him. While you are a victim, he is too, but you have taken the steps to put your issue 'on paper'. He has to do this also but he has to do it himself just as you have done here. If he still drinks, despite everything that's gone down, then he doesn't recognize his issue, he's still blaming others and he's not accepting responsibility for his own actions. He needs to seriously consider his options but while he stills drinks, he can't have you as well, because alcohol is a jealous controller and will always have the first and final say. Throw in the abuse and you have a dangerous environment to try and function in. I speak from personal experience here. After years of abuse and finger pointing from an alcoholic partner, I walked away because I finally found the words to tell her to leave me alone. Look at your words "how strong I am without him", this is your clue on how to live your life. You may wonder if you guys could work but while two people make or break a relationship, in your case, there's a third 'person' and that's the alcohol.

Torn in what to do

Default profile image
You said: "Part of me still loves him and wonders if we could work, whilst the sensible part of me says I am better off, physically, mentally and financially." You must look at that "love" and see if it's a mature, healthy love for him AND YOU GET THE SAME BACK, or it's pity, caretaking or sexual attraction that keeps you tied to him. What is it that you "love" - 'cause as the song says, "What's love got to do with it?"

Torn in what to do

Default profile image
If he had realised the love, he wouldn't still be drinking. Give him a time frame for judging him. Ask him to stop drinking completely and prove it to you that he loves you else tell him its over. Alcohol addiction is a very difficult thing and requires a very strong will power to abstain from it.

Torn in what to do

Default profile image
Thanks for the responses. I think the love part is as a caretaker and pity as Susiedqqq pointed out, I feel sorry for him. He threw away a great opportunity to where our marriage could of ventured....he plays the "poor me" card very well, not just with me but others, skirting the truth to them to real reason why I kicked him out. I now turn away from those who judge me harshly if they don't wish to hear my side of the story. I was trying to compete with beer, but that is his true love, the other day he approached me in a store and I could smell the beer on him, we did talk but I was very uncomfortable as in the past if I "dismissed" him while he was under the influence, that would irritate him, leading to a row, which I wanted to avoid in a public place. I have had enough of propping him and his ego up, and today at counselling I intend to tell him (in a safe environment) that his bag of chances with me has now emptied and I am moving on without him, to cease the many texts and calls I get everyday, the guilt tripping he puts upon me, for him to look hard at his life style choices and what he has lost.

Torn in what to do

Default profile image
Way to go Pixie! Good Decision. Some decisions are hard but in the long term will prove to be good for us. You can't compete with beer. Only he can decide what is more important to him and in your case I guess it has been clear, only he manages to manipulate you with the "poor me" card.

This thread has expired - why not start your own?

B-2