Not sure if i love him anymore. I feel like my marriage is falling apart
I have been going through a lot lately in terms of health problems, which have been going on for about a year now, and through all this i have felt very neglected by my husband. At first he seemed concerned about my health, but after months of no answers it just seemed to be a bit of a burden to him. He wouldn't ask how my appointments went when i had to visit the doctor, and he seemed irritated when i would talk about my worries and concerns. I started to not share my thoughts and feelings with him on my health issues as i felt he didn't really want nor care to hear about it, and i started to just get on with things myself.
As months passed i felt like slowly this started to push me into resenting him, as i felt he should care as my husband, but rather he seemed irritated that we weren't having sex as regularly as we used to. I didn't feel in the mood at all, and i just figured everything i was going through health wise had made me lose my sex drive. The few times we did have sex i felt very unsatisfied and not at all turned on. He doesn't satisfy me sexually, and now i think about it i don't think in my whole life i have ever been with someone who i felt truly satisfied with sexually. I started thinking back to before all this happened and if i felt satisfied sexually before my health issues and before i started feeling very distant from my husband. We got married quiet young, and i think in the earlier days i saw passed not being satisfied because i was happy and in love with him, but now it seems my views/feelings on things have changed dramatically. To be fair to my husband, he is not selfish when it comes to the bedroom, but i just feel the problem is i don't feel satisfied, so i guess the problem is me not him in that department.
We had a very serious talk one night, and he said he realizes he has not been there for me through all of this like he should of and wants to try and fix things. He has been making a lot more effort to be fair, and i thought maybe my feelings of being distant/not sexually attracted to him anymore may just be a phase i was going through as things weren't great between us, but once we figured out things, these feelings i have been having would go away, but sadly they have not.
I still resent him for not being there when i really wanted him to be, and now i feel so distant from him i don't know if i can ever go back to how things were. My sexual need to be satisfied seems to grow stronger by the day, and i fantasize all the time about sex with someone who can truly satisfy me. I have even fantasized about some guys i used to be attracted to back in the day who i never dated or had sexual relations with in any way, but constantly wonder what sex may have been like with them, and it makes me feel very guilty. Are the feelings i am going through normal? I am not sure if anyone can answer that unless they have been in my situation, but i wondered if maybe someone here reading this has gone through something similar.
Now i am just to the point i don't know how to move forward. I have not been happy with the relationship for months, not just sexually, but in every aspect of it, but i have had all these health issues which i feel have burdened things. I am still young, but i don't want to walk away from my marriage and regret it, but at the same time things are not good between us, and i feel like if i am not sexually satisfied, is this something that is always going to be a problem? I know he is still very attracted to me in that department and wants our marriage to work out, but i just don't know what to do anymore.
You said: "I still resent him for not being there when i really wanted him to be"
Can you explain this some more? I hear you say he does not turn you on and you are angry and resentful, but I don't see WHY.
Let me first say I'm going through this somewhat the same with no health issues though. I'm on the other end. I feel my wife just doesn't want sex anymore or with me idk. I honestly don't think it would be any better if you divorced however I know that thoughts can come to mind and convince us otherwise. I have not thought about divorcing for sexual gratification, I guess more on affection. There are other issues too but I haven't thought of any exs or others. My sex drive is also crazy!!! It's hard to handle it seems at times. Not that I cheat but my goodness it's crazy. Also I don't take it as a bad thing either. I just wish she was the same.
Something's to consider...
If you are miserable then maybe it's because of you or him or both of you are choosing it to be as far as sex.
Make some sacrifices and try new things which I'm sure you may have.
Can your medication be affecting you sex drive..?
When you say you think of others sexually but you can't with your husband then maybe recommit yourself and fall in love again.
I feel for you and am you in a way but I try my best to fall in love daily even if I'm pissed off.
Also if there are any grudges of any sort I do my best to hide them which isn't always wise but I'm a guy...maybe talk with someone about them.
Maybe share your fantasies more with him.
I'm sorry you are going through this as I know it sucks but remember it's not always greener on the other side.
Oh and as a male I feel it is my duty to please my woman to the end before I do and I try to fulfill her sexual needs and desires. It's just hard cause I want it a lot more. Plus I don't even need to finish as long as she is good. I love enjoying her body and making her feel good. It makes me feel good sexually and not in many ways...