Wife is growing distant and seespecially little priority with sex
After 26 years, I can only recall the first 6 as happy and active in our sex likfe. After kids, my wife saw little need for sex and then only to placate me. I feel a great sense of rejection and am at a loss for what to do.
It seems almost every xmas we fight about it. She is happy with things and doesn't understand my need for more. It is often just a few times a month. Her idea of flirting and foreplay is to be awake and wiggle a little in bed. I cannot just turn on like that. I love romance, flirting and ... well more.
Now she is getting advice from friends to become independent and grown into herself, whatever that is. I love her dearly and don't want to break up, but am at wits end.
Any thoughts? Thanks for reading. - RanGuy
May I ask your ages? Are there children? Any living at home? Does she work?
Maybe you should find out what "become independent and grown into herself" means.
It could be GOOD for the marriage, who knows?
We have 3 boys all in college. She is becoming a bit zen like and is discovering herself. It really means she doesn't touch base or talk to me before heaxing out into a direction. Recently, she decided to send one kids to a psychologist, due to his nervousness around girls. But, she decided I wasn't to be consulted or informed. It is not all in all a good thing as she is clearly drifting away and spending a lot more time with others.
Thanks for the reply, btw.
Sorry. I am 58. She is 48 and a medical professional. Kids are part time visitors.
i'm a woman who has been in the situation your wife is in right now. at 48 yrs old a woman (most women) are starting or are in "menopause" so quite frankly the next 5 or so years are going to be a rollercoaster of emotion for both of you. She's going through hormonal swings that she has no control over and seeking her "innerself" through "zen" like practices is what HEAPS of women do when they get to this age (i'm a beauty therapist and have 100's of female clients who have been through or are going through this stage of life) She's looking at her life and thinking "what now"? i've birthed, mothered, wifed - done all the things a female is designed for and now what, how about something for ME and she deserves some self focused peace and joy moving into the next stage in her life. (dont you think?) HONESTLY 3 times or so a month for sex is heaps more than most guys your age are getting, she's doing bloody well putting out that much imo.especially in a very long marriage. and putting stress on her to put out more is not going to be enticing for her. I think maybe the reason she didnt consult or inform you about your son going to a psychologist and the reason she took him to one, she may feel he's a sensitive kid and dad might be a bit manly and not understanding. Just my read on that.
dont know whether all of this is of any use to you, but thought you might need a womans point of view. GOOD LUCK. P.S. i used this forum for a massive problem im experiencing as well, and have found the moderator of this forum awesome in his wisdom, so i hope "soulmate" responds to you as well. cheers
Thanks for the reply. It's been 20 years of low sex, and 10 years od aruments about it. It's not just a hormonal thing. It's her not seeing or meeting some very important needs I have. She thinks our love life is enough. She promises to do more, but after arguing and a week of make up sex, it always goes back to meager.
She too is seeing a shrink, but when I gently asked, she said she hadn't ever mentioned frequency and performance in her sessions. I'm very reluctant to discuss that further with her, as it is an area I should not meddle.
As for the kid, you don't hide that stuff from tour spouse. That is a lack of trust. Of couse she thought she should keep it from me. And that is a problem.
All in all, this makes me feel like a side piece, provider, but not a partner. I treat her like a queen, cook gourmet dinners for her each week. Support her hobbies and ask how she feels. As a response she talks more to her friends and shrink than with me.
Again, thanks for reading and commenting - RanGuy
Insist on couples counseling. Perhaps your wife does not fully appreciate that you feel on the sidelines now - just at the time when you two should be on your 2nd honeymoon (kids gone, dog's dead, parents not needing you, both healthy)
Perhaps a weekend away - announce that this is an opportunity to rekindle the relationship. Let her choose the spot and time. If she does not agree, then at least you have a starting point of conversation with the therapist. (My wife does not want to go away with me for a romantic weekend. What's up?)
PS - I am assuming that your personal hygiene is not in question, huh? Some spouses forget about that after so many years.
PSS - Just curious. Did you two get married because of pregnancy?
Great hygiene. Even do polite manscaping
No prego issues. First kid 6 years after marriage
Already booked a vacation to a sunny pot and she is still focused on herself
But, valid and good questions. Thx.