Me and my boyfriend have been together for about 4 years. We are both 24. He is a child of a an ex-alcoholic father who is now paralyzed due to several strokes. He has two sisters, one disabled. .
I completely understand and empathize with his difficult family situation and his childhood issues (given the fact that my family portrait isn't that perfect either).
I totally respect his mother who takes care of her child & possibly abusive husband (He does not talk about this.), but recently I started noticing things that I can seem to rationalize.
My bf has an overly big angst against his father (which makes sense to some part),and at the same time he always tries to compensate his mother's ruined life by constantly feeling guilt and trying to please her at every way.
He lives with his family because things are that way here.
His mother is a very jugemental woman, and I chose to ignore this since It's her way of communicating with people.
There are some situations that hurt me emotionally over the years -bf offended me with a comment that was clearly out of his mother mouth - later confirmed, he canceled a whole summer planned weekend with me because his mother felt it was way time to paint the walls in the house that exact weekend, he spent two hours trying to convince her to let him go because as I said he feels guilty if he does not comply.
Also. We were hiking and spent two days on a mountain having a wonderful time. In a later emotional moment, crying (he was drunk) he exclaimed during the whole trip he was feeling sorry he couldn't bring his mother to spend some days in nature (he didn't have car at the moment).
I was really okay with all of these (and tons of others) things at that moment, but as our relationship grew, I'm feeling that this man will always try to compensate, and will never be there for me on an emotional plan (or for himself).
I can't understand that constant feeling to please someone. My mother is also a lonely, somewhat codependent (my father is passed away), but she understands my need for my own life.
Am I imagining things or?
No. You are not imagining.
I know it is a bitter pill to swallow because he is your love, but he has a problem.
I am 18 and I live on my own. My dad is dead, and I went through abuse so bad that I cry myself awake 34 times a night in memory. (as well as other traumas) I know my mom had a shit life, but ultimately she is an adult, not a sick puppy. It sounds like his mother is compensating for not having a husband by making sure her son is with her 24/7.
That weekend painting situation screams it so loud. Anyone on the outside of your relationship can see it.
I think you need to have a serious talk with him. If you are a passive or aggressive person I think you need a moderator. However if you are assertive like me, you can speak to him on your own.
Too move forward this needs to happpen, and sooner is better than later