Boyfriend has little to no sex drive...
on Dec 6 2014 at 08:24
My boyfriend and I have been together for close to 12 years. He is 30 and I am 33. We don't live together due to financial issues and family obligations but he does visit every Thurs.-Sun. He is supportive, trustworthy, and a good dad to my 12 yr. old daughter.
At times it can be hard to find common-ground as we have different interests and there is difficulty trying to agree on things to do or places to go. Intimacy is a challenge as well. I'm a talker and he is not. I consider talking about wants and needs, sexual or not, important. Sex is also important to me. As of late, on average we have sex about 2-3 times a month and it's often the same progression, place, and time spent. When it does happen it is satisfying but I would like a little spontaneity or something different.
I feel as if we are going backwards. For the first couple of years into our relationship things weren't like this sexually. It use to just happen for us. We have discussed this several times and we always end up getting into a fight over it. He says that all I care about is sex. I've tried to explain that sex is important to me but so is intimacy. Since we don't have a lot in common and we lack conversation I find myself looking forward to sex because it's one of the few times we can let loose and just be free and the end goal is always the same.
I've tried to compromise but I feel like I'm being met with excuses. I've had to notify him ahead of time, make sure it's not too late in the evening and not too early when people are awake, I can't wake him up for morning sex, not in the mood, he's too tired, or I've gotta shave my legs and brush my teeth. I don't mind the hygiene requests but I just feel it's not really all about that with him and sometimes I'm just fed up to the point where I stop caring about shaving. It's like what's the point? I feel like I'm not wanted.
My sexual needs pretty simple. Sometimes I just want a shower first but even then I'm pretty flexible. He's never cared for cunnilingus but he's done it for me when I've asked and he has also done it without my request but now he won't do it at all. It's been a few years since the last time. Now I just don't even bother asking. If I didn't ask for or initiate I believe we would have even less sex than we currently do. Now he is saying that it's weird when I ask him for sex. Yet, if I try to touch him he pushes my hand away (playfully and annoyed). Sometimes I feel like it's this big game with him. Almost as if he enjoys turning me down sometimes. When I tell him how I feel he acts like I'm being overly dramatic and pretty much just shuts down. The next day he'll just act like everything is alright and if I'm still angry then I'm the problem.
I just don't understand him anymore. I love him and I don't want to search for someone else but I'm just getting angrier, more frustrated and resentful every time we go through this issue. I'm not sure what to do and I don't have anyone I can talk to about this so any advice would be appreciated.
on Dec 6 2014 at 10:35
Sounded pretty much like what I have gone through. Only thing is we were married and the sex was like 2-3 times a year. I can perfectly understand what you are going through. You feel unloved, results in lower confidence in your body, rejection hurts so much!
I don't know what to advice but you might like to rule out the possibilities of him being gay or asexual? I have found my partner to be romantically attracted to the same sex. I do not know what to make of it but I have learned to adjust into my situation well.
on Dec 6 2014 at 13:20
TIARA: I know he loves me but the rejection does hurt. In the beginning and for a while after there was this excitement, now I feel like he's just trying to make me happy when we do have sex. Every now and then there is a little glimmer of the way things used to be but that just fills me with hope and I get disappointed when we're back in the same place. He has always been shy to discuss anything sexual but he still tried.
One thing I do know for sure is that he is not attracted to the opposite sex. He tells me that he is attracted to me but he just doesn't care about having sex the way I do. He feels that it isn't important.
Thank you for responding. If you don't mind me asking, what did you end up doing?
on Dec 7 2014 at 17:18
He's right: all you care about is the sex, because that's all there is. So he's pouting, and rightfully so. He gets what is really happening. He's feeling used and pressured.
You said it yourself: 'Since we don't have a lot in common and we lack conversation . . . "
Imagine if the situation were reversed. You would feel used, for sure.
Time to move on and find someone whom you have more in common than the sex.
on Dec 9 2014 at 16:44
SUSIEDQQQ: You clearly did not read my post. I never said that sex was the only thing I looked forward to in my relationship. You just picked apart my words and twisted them into something that must hit close to home for you - NOT ME. If that was all there was to our relationship, then I don't think we would have lasted as long as we have, so obviously there's a lot more to it than your assumption. We may not have a lot in common but we have love and we cherish what we do have but like everyone else we have problems and sometimes it's hard. That doesn't mean I'm using him or that I'm looking for an easy way out. If you want to give "real" advice without assumptions or accusations, then by all means... but if you want to partially quote me and not have all the facts, keep it to yourself next time. Thanks.
on Dec 9 2014 at 20:00
I guess I misread your post. (The word "sex" is seen 11 times in your post, so I just went along with what you wrote)
What is the "this issue" you talk about in your last paragraph that is bothering you so much?
on Dec 9 2014 at 23:51
SUSIEDQQQ: If I were to focus on how many times I saw a single word, I would miss the main point too. Did you count the word "sex" on the topic as well? Because this is posted in the sex category.
You seem very quick to interrogation and antagonistic behavior. I saw the other topic you posted in and you were very uncouth towards that gentlemen as well. I don't feel like discussing the details of my relationship with someone that I feel is not really commenting because they truly want to help. I think you are looking for someone to belittle and I refuse to deal with people who are rude.
on Dec 10 2014 at 07:35
See I had tried everything possible to get him to have it more often. But like you said, they were only momentary excitement which never translated to anything beyond what we were already having. Then like you, I started an a questioning mode to which I found that I was not responsible for it. The issue was entirely his. That took off my rejection pain. I didn't want to leave my marriage, having 2 kids between us, for this reason alone. So I tried working on an inner level within myself. I am in my 40's. I didn't want to cheat so I took on celibacy. (Not everyones choice or cup of tea but thats what suited me).
on Dec 10 2014 at 13:07
TIARA: I commend you for finding a solution that works for you. I'm in a similar situation. It isn't about me and I know that. It just feels like I am the problem in the moment when things are fresh. I think he is a little depressed and that can kill a person's drive. I just wish that he would seek professional help for it. I dealt with that same issue for years and it doesn't help when we are going through these type of things. If I can try to seek professional help, then he can do the same is how I feel, but it's one of those things you have to want to do.
on Dec 11 2014 at 06:52
I come from a culture where couples like the one you described are common; you have close family ties, you live with the family until or even after marriage, you are laid-back and trustworthy people. You have all the good solid things, like caring and emotional support, but maybe your relationship is getting boring because of things unrelated to sex. You said you don't have a lot of similar interests, but shared interests are important. And if he's depressed, it would make him even less interested in pretty much everything. Maybe try talking to him about it and cheering him up without involving sex.
on Dec 11 2014 at 09:22
Have you tried playing anticipation with him? Meaning fixing up a day for sex (with a gap of 2-3 days). During these 2-3 days, keep giving naughty hints, notes or messages etc. On that day play some online sex game with lots of foreplay. Plan out some strip teasing or role play or simple binds (like for example, bind him while you tease him). If he lacks imagination in this field try reading through net with him on things you would like to try together. There is plenty of material out there that would suggest lots of imaginative ways. If he gets excited you might be able to probe and find out what is it that he likes in sex (possibly some role play excites him?).
on Dec 11 2014 at 15:21
DAYDREAMER247: Our car broke down a while back and we haven't had the funds to fix it. We live about an hour apart from each other and have resorted to taking the bus. It prefers to travel out my direction and it's about a 4 hour bus trip, so I really value the time that he is here with me. Because money is so tight we are unable to go places regularly but when we do we'll see a movie together, have lunch/dinner, or he will accompany me somewhere I want to go.
I ask him if there are any places he wants to go but he lacks drive in that department too. He says he doesn't really desire to go somewhere unless he requires something. Food-wise he's picky... He hates seafood and I love it, so we are limited to Italian, Mexican, and select Chinese food restaurants. I love these cuisines as well, but it limits us on being able to try new things. When we go to the places that I chose, he is disinterested and bored, yet he is unable to offer many suggestions.
I've saved money and tried to plan special things for us to do, like for our anniversary I put some money aside for a few months so that we could stay at a nice hotel nearby. I thought it would give us a chance to have some privacy and just focus on each other with no distractions. The room had a kitchen and private balcony with fountain so I was thinking I could cook something nice and we could watch our favorite movies together, etc. Kind of like a little vacation. When he caught wind of what I was doing he kind of complained and said that he didn't want to do that, so I just cancelled it. It made me feel cut off or that nothing would be good enough.
on Dec 11 2014 at 15:31
TIARA: Since we only see each other Thurs.-Sun. there is always a 2-3 day gap. There is no way he would be down for despises role playing. He is even uncomfortable to talk about sex in general. If I ask him his opinion on something sexual he will answer but I can see that it makes him uneasy. There have been rare times that he has applied dirty talk to our routine but it is far and few. We've used toys in the past but now if I mention anything about it he doesn't show excitement for him. It's like he will go along somewhat but just for me. Lately he seems even more repressed than usual.