Confused about husband behavior
I have been married for 22 years and we have a 21 year old son who has been diagnosed the past two years with a health issue. let me give you a little background about my husband he's a hard worker and always worked since we've been married and has provided for our family finanically but does not emotional supports my son and I and he is never there when we need him. My husband works long hour graveyard shift so we don't see him until Friday and Saturday as he works on Sunday. He is more physically there for his brother and his brother's family on the only 2 days he has off. when I need him to go to doctors visits with my son and I because it emotional draining he does not go to support our son and me. He rather catch up on some sleep, play a video game, watch a movie and will even lose sleep to do errands for my brother in law and brother in law children than help us. He spends his free time with them and yet attempts to make plans for our family but follow through. My husband always says that if his brother needs him then he will help as much as he can. My husband and brother in law had a hard upbring so I can respect for them to be there for one another but it is ridculous when my son and I cannot spend time with my husband as a family. My brother in law and his wife take advance of that with my husband and of course my huband denies it becuase his brither and sister in law can do no wrong. Its like I have to ask permission from my brother in law if I can have my husband do something for me. I have discussed this with my husband and I asked why my son and I are not a priority first and his response is that he finanically provides which is true. He literally gives me his whole paycheck but its not the kind of prioirty I was talking about. He brushes it off as usually. He said if I gave him an ultimatum that he would choose his brother and his brothers children. During all this he does find time for us to have sex twice a weekand its always great. TlWe never have a problem with that area. He always tells me. I am so confused on how to handle this. My husband refuse to go to counseling. I love my husband very much and I want my family back. This is a weird situation. My husband tells me he loves us but yet he is not here when he need him. I do not know what to do.
You seem to have lost contact/connection with your husband.
Can you think why?
Is it because your son's needs have been so great? Because he felt he got squeezed out of the family because of that, and he now gravitates towards this other family?
See if he is willing to go away with you for a weekend so you can re-connect in some way besides sexually. He seems satisfied with that 2 times per week and he's getting his emotional needs filled at his brother's house.
What are the dynamics between your BIL and SIL? Do they have a good marriage? Why would they want your husband around so much? Is this a cultural thing?
I don't want to blame you for the situation, but I'm trying hard to understand.
Thanks for your reply. We are both are latinos and our families known each other for years. My BIL and SIL marriage is not well as they only got married for their 3 year old son and my BIL is close to his step children girl 12 boy 7. So I don't think its because of household environment. My BIL and SIL both work and my husband drives my BIL to work and sometimes take care of the kids on Friday and Saturday for my BIL and SIL.
When my son was first diagnosed my husband went to the appts and was more there for son and me since forever. Also we always talked and commicated it started to be lesss whe my BIL and SIL asked my husband for help taking care of the kids and driving my BIL ti work and etc. I voice my opinion to my husband that my in laws was taking too much advantage. My husbands gets upset if I say anything about his brother and said that my BIL and kids come first and for me to stop bring up the issue of his time spending with his brother.
There have been instances when I have gone with my husband to the in laws house and it like we just basically sit there a babysit. Even if I suggest plans for next and my husbands will cancel to do errands for my BIL and babysit. We only have 1 kid and he is 21. My husband is 42 and i am 39. We got married young.
Again my husband and BIL had a rough upbringing. They have 10 siblings. They are all protective of each other. I am also clise with my husbands sibling and both of his sisters are my best friends. They know whats going on and say tell me that my BIL and SIL are taking advantage and are manipulating my husband. I dont invovle my my hisbands sisters because I dont want more family drama. I am stressed and dont know jow to handle this. I love my husband and I know he loves me and my son too. I just dont know how to deal with this. I feel alone.
Put your foot down, girl.
This is ridiculous. A father would rather babysit his niece and nephew rather than be with his wife and son? Something's not right, here.
Get some hired help with your son and demand that you and your husband spend some time together. Counseling is in order, too.
PS Are your son's health issues so severe that he will never live alone? time to get some long range plans for help with him. You won't be around forever. Be sure that he is going to be able to be cared for when he gets older, too.