Am I being a fool?
I am 48 years old and only once in my life has anybody been loyal and faithful to me but one person. My ex-husband was not even faithful you me and he has a baby by another woman that is three months younger than our son.
Now there is a very nice gentleman which we have been friends for five years and the last 14 months we have been seeing each other ever since. He told me that he always knew my last relationship was not going to last and he was waiting and being patient for the guy I was seeing was going to mess up soon.
He tells me that he always felt we were meant to be together. I am one of the three amazing lovers he has ever had. He said the last weekend we spent together that he had a great time and it scared him because of the closeness he felt. He said at times he would wish I would never leave.
For the last 7 months he has put all his times into his business and he is doing very well. I don’t get to see him like I use too. He still call, text, post on my Facebook, and email me. He forward some of his emails to me so I could see his job offers that he received. I never asked him to send me those. A couple of months ago he told me that he don’t have time for a relationship because of the time he needs to put into his business. He has never said he loves or like me.
He told me once that I deserve someone that has time for me because I am a good woman. He didn’t speak or text me for a month. Then out of the blue he text me and ask was I happy in a relationship. I told home I never wanted to be in another relationship because I was happy with him. He said I deserve some much more than he can’t give me right now. From that day we have been together, he call and text me and come over. Not as much as I would like but he does. We don’t go out together, but he goes out when he can for a drink and while he is there he would text me and text me so I would know he is home. He has started back sending me roses each month just like before. If I say I don’t feel well or that I have a doctor’s appointment he would call to check on me. Whenever I am looking for something he would google it and send me all the information.
It’s been 14 months now and I want a commit relationship. I know he is busy, but I want him to make more time for us. I want to set at home and watch TV, listen to music, spend weekends together, cook breakfast and dinner together like we use to.
I am so in love with him I don’t know what to do anymore.
"He told me that he always knew my last relationship was not going to last and he was waiting and being patient for the guy I was seeing was going to mess up soon."
Really? And yet this "very nice gentleman" and "friend" didn't think to try to warn you - his oh-so-valued friend about whom he's always cared soooooo much and wanted only the best for - that he could see your relationship was in trouble in order that you could wake up and take actions to avert the danger?
You'd expect a female friend to do so, wouldn't you? So what makes this friend any different?
Gosh. Things that make me go, "Hmmmmmm".
"He tells me that he always felt we were meant to be together"
"He has never said he loves or like me."
Oh, yeah, he bloody did! Just not in a way that you could HOLD him to.
Face facts. You were always and still are nothing but his Friend With Benefits, his no-strings source of relationship perks (for pathetically little of the usual relationship work), no matter WHAT words of hope he initially gave you in order to get you into bed and no matter WHAT indication he's again trying to give you now that you've convinced him you'll settle for nothing but crumbs in payment for free sex and behind closed doors company, etc.
Ooh, the odd phonecall. Oooh, makes the effort to come GET his sex. Oooh, phones you to let you know he's out without you. Oooh, on occasion goes tappity-tap on his keyboard for a few minutes at a time. Oooh, actually recites his credit card number over the phone to a florist once a month at an average cost of £40 per pop. BE STILL MY BEATING HEART!
You can want him to make more time for you until you're Blue in the face, 1JEAN. But - excuse the vernacular - if this particular type of man is getting the milk virtually for free, why on earth would you expect him to want to purchase the cow?
You USED to sit at home and watch TV and listen to music and spend weekends together, cooking breakfast and dinner, because back then that's what he knew it would take to convince you he WAS intending to eventually buy the cow. And that was before you showed him he needn't go to that degree of pretending an actual relationship was in the off-ing.
I mean, funny how he doesn't have time for a relationship yet has plenty of time to sit in the pub with his mates, isn't it? Again, things that make me go HMMMMMMMM!
Why aren't they making *you* go Hmmm?
If you want more than this man was ever genuinely prepared to give you, if you want that love RECIPROCATED, I suggest you kick this nothing-but-SURFACE-nice user to the kerb and go get yourself a serious upgrade. One who's deep-down, GENUINELY nice and as such wouldn't ever use a woman he allegedly acknowledges deserves better like some convenient and virtually free-of-charge prositute, whether or NOT she seemed to be compliant. Berbom.
Yup - his business seems to be coming first. At your ages, I would assume he is working like heck so he can retire in about 10 years (that's what 50's men do)
You don't say what kind of work he is in. But - if planned out - he should be able to get away for a weekend. Make plans together to go away for just a close weekend trip.
If he cant do THAT, then consider letting him go and moving on. He will have let you know where is priority is - and there's no room for a woman in his life right now.
Thank you Soulmate for being honest and you have made some very good points that I seriously need to think about and take acting. I think that given me three dozen roses each month says something but what I don't know. I have made so many mistakes in my past relationships that I just don't want to do it anymore that's why I asked for help. If I don't get the kind of relationship that I want by the time I am 50 I will just give up on love. I have had 5 relationship(exclude this one) in my whole life and they all have failed for one reason or another. My longest relationship has been 8 years and the shortest two.
Thank you SUSIEDQQQ
He is 56 years old and he owns a construction company. Far as I know he has received 9 contracts with the government and 5 with other businesses. I have seen the contracts. Thanks again and I will tell him today that I want us to plan a weekend away.
I called him and said I needed to get some thing's off my chest. I told him."I want to feel valued and respected. I don't want to be friends with benefits to anyone. If you care about me at all I need you to show me. I understand you trying to work on your business and I will support you any way I can. I need and deserve someone in my life that wants to have a future with me. Therefore I need you to spend more time with me that is if you want me to be apart of your life. If you don't want to be apart of my life let me know today. I don't want to waste any of my time with anybody that can not be committed to me and only me. Think long and hard about what you want because this is the only thing I would accept for you". He said "let me call you right back.
When I hung up the phone I felt like I had lost him and started to cry. After 15 minutes he was at my door. He said he need to talk to me face to face. So I let him in and he said "I love you more then anything and don't want to lose you. My business is so demanding right now please try to understand that I am just trying to make sure we have a comfortable future together. You have made my life so much better don't walk away please. If it would make you feel comfortable I can come over ever night or you can come to my place and stay the night".
I just said can you call me tonight before you go to bed so we can talk. He said he will call me as soon as he get in the bed at 10 pm. I said okay then he left.
I held back my tears as long as I could. I needed him to leave because of the feelings I have for him. I just didn't want my feelings to make a decision for me. I love this man so much but I love myself more. I am so into my feelings right now I don't know what to do.
Don't back down on your standards.
You deserve more than just a bootie call.
He can't even take off Sat. nite and Sun. all day?
I would love to spend every night with him but that will not fix the problem. I would just like quality time at least once a week and I prefer it to be every Saturday nights. I want to be told good morning every morning and good night every night. I want to know that he made it through the night and through the day. I'm just saying if we could see each other every Saturday night and I can talk to him every day during the week I would be content. I don't need to be wined and dined because I love to cook and I have my own money. I own my own business and I work from home.I have been doing this for over 20 years and I make a very good living doing this. I don't need anyone to take care of me and I have raised four children on my own thank God they grow now. Am I asking too much?
Five relationships. Jeez, you poor thing, you must be knackered. ;-p
Try 76 yet still not managing to find my ideal soulmate for 33 long adult years. Gosh, it's sooooo hard trying to find your Mr R-NO, IT'S NOT, I was a giant commitmentphobe! Takes one to end up locked in a relationship with one (...two, three, four, ..75..). Or in your case - 5.
Your readiness to choose an arrogant, disrespectful, LAZY user-d*ckhead - the type that sees you vulnerable coming out of a failed long-term relationship (one in which he heard first-hand how you accepted pitifully too little effort and attention) AND SWOOPS, replete with a convincing story about how he was JUST WAITING for you to inevitably become free (yeah, sure) - and then give up all too easily plonks you squarely in that CP category, 1JEAN.
Until you're READY for a proper, serious, mature, MUTUAL romance of the highest order, no-one here or there or anywhere, least of all in a box with a fox or on a train in the rain, can help you.
There is no such thing as half a relationship (or in your case, a third). It's all or nothing. Same as trying to tie a shoelace with one hand. It won't work. It won't be what could be called a knot with a bow. Even if you manage to tie the knot, it'll be loose and liable to unravel at any moment.
Decide you want that one of life's greatest enhancements before you shrug off your mortal coil or continue accepting Less Than off of a man who pays you crumbs and - whenever you complain or protest - lip-service. "Oh, no, PLEEEASE, free prostitute, DON'T chuck me - you're so damn CONVENIENT! I'm not working this hard for ME - no, no, noooo - I'm doing it for YOU AS WELL. So PLEASE just sit there neglected in the corner for unspecified-ly longer...or we won't end up together forever like you-I mean WE want'.
Yuh, right. I really believe him. Don't you?
A man who is wholly into you sees YOU whenever he has any time spare, not his mates - including wanting to wine and dine you (show you off to the world and thereby his social standing), whether you need spoiling or not. He phones you every single night at the same time, wants- NEEDS to hear your voice (and to check no other male competition is within 10 feet of you). A man who is wholly into AND owns his own business buys you jewellery and other personal, meaningful presents, not a bunch of flowers - the same damn bunch every time on ruddy standing order with the florist. In fact, a man who's wholly into you waits until you and he are SOLID before he starts a business (because he daren't do a thing to jeopardise the relationship and risk losing you until solid you both are. At the very least he gets engaged to you to ensure patience is easier for you so that he'll not lose you). A man who is wholly into you can't wait to get you to agree to show off your relationship (and status) on FB and in-person to all his friends and family (including wanting to take copious photographs of you and he together all the time), and wants the two of you to move in together ASAP. A man who is wholly into you treats you like a QUEEN and YOU FIND YOU CAN'T GET *AWAY* FROM THE BUGGER, never mind you sitting home alone wondering why he makes time to 'woo' his mates but not you but texts you like you're worried mum to his young teenager! A man who is wholly into you is on and on at YOU to spend quality time, not waits for you to demand more/better before responding to that close-call shock of nearly losing you, the supposed love of his life, with "Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow, you're always a daaay aaaa-waaaaaay'.
You KNOW this. But what with your own business, you thought you could have a man on the side, half a relationship. Only you didn't bargain on being the one to find herself wholly marginalised and compartmentalised BY HIM and getting barely a THIRD of a relationship. You have been out-commitmentphobed.
And now you think just because you ARE readier for incrementally more you can insist on this male counterpart CP to rise to the occasion with you? Pff - not an icicle's chance in hell. Look how he so-called responded to a warning he was close to losing you forever Amen: he offered you MORE FREQUENT SEX AND NOTHING ELSE (save for "tomorrow-tomorrow" blah-blah-blah...).
"Am I asking too much?"
Out of a relationship that got firmly and permanently cemented into the FWB pigeonhole? Yes. Out of a bigger CP than you? Yes.
Your business is not going to hold your hand on your deathbed.
Repeat: Your business is not going to hold your hand on your deathbed.
Tick, tock, tick, tock....
Dump the dud, grit your teeth through the short-lived pain of grieving, go out and get yourself (i.e. get gotten by) a SOULMATE... and then do it *properly* as it was designed for. If in the meantime your so-called boyfriend finds he can't live without you nor even the mere *thought* of never seeing you again and desperately, panickedly wants to reverse that situation by finally stepping up and doing what it takes to keep a woman, well... he's a big boy who knows even how to start a thriving business, I'm sure he can manage to woo a woman until she's genuinely stuck like superglue, can't he. If he doesn't, what have you lost apart from a corner-cutting, lazy, self-absorbed, screwed prioritied IDIOT. (Win/win.)
And that is that is that, Sam-I-Am.
Yes he called and we talked for two hours. The thing that helped me make my mind up was when he said, "you're not asking too much of me you deserve all of that and more". My response "Since you agree that I should have all of that and more when you're ready to give me all of that and more give me a call.
I really think it's unfair to put someone on a timeline but in this case I think this is fair. I didn't tell him but he has two weeks to stand up and give me what I deserve or we are done.
Thank you for helping me to see the truth that was right in front of me.
"he said, "you're not asking too much of me you deserve all of that and more". My response "Since you agree that I should have all of that and more when you're ready to give me all of that and more give me a call. "
Effing Gold Star to you!!!!
Now let's see what he's made of (dah-dah-DAAAAH!). But you've also got to do the actions that prove you serious, Jean. That means NOT pouncing on the phone the minute it rings...maybe letting the answerphone get it... or maybe you're already out and not back yet (or ARE you???)...or actually TELLING him you can't chat right now because you're about to go out on the town with the gals... that sort of thing.... until you feel suitably re-impressed. Because "You are losing me unless you step up" is as "You are losing me unless you step up" *DOES*. And this obviously is what was missing in the beginning. You didn't make him chase hard after you and then keep working hard to keep you!
What sorts of things do men tend to prize and take care of the most? Shiny sportscars that they had to work REALLY hard for for ages to afford springs to mind, doesn't it? Nuff said. You're no longer going to be responding out of gratitude or because you're trying to put paid to and head off at the pass your worries, it's going to be about, are you impressed or are you not impressed (because he's WOOED you to a state of impressedness). You impressed gets him your time and responsiveness. You unimpressed gets him you evasive, unavailable, wandering off to do other more interesting things...
Say it with me: No work? NO PERK(S)! :-p
You did the see truth. What you didn't 'see' was whether your truth was anybody else's truth; you thought you were being unreasonable, didn't you. Well, that's what having for too long become used to accepting crumbs does for you. And BEING the type who's impressed with crumbs is what can make even a once-keen man LAZY with a capital L! So again, let's see if he's keen but was too used to being let off the hook thus had the enthusiasm simpered out of him or whether he deliberately SOUGHT OUT a woman with reduced expectations, shall we?
Onwards and upwards!
Keep us updated.
I have blocked his number because I know I am weak. I really do love him and I needed to do that so I wouldn't answer his calls. All his calls will go to voicemail. I am going to Indiana to see my grandbabies for three weeks so I won't give into him if he try to see me.
Thank you and I will keep you updated
Today has been very confession. He called and said his mother and sister was stopping by on there way to NY. He ask me could I come over and do some finger food or stop by the store and pick something up he was still at the office. Well I said yes and I cooked some things and took them over to his house. He text me the code to his garage so I could get in. He ask if I could let them in and keep them comfortable until he get home.
I was very shocked that they knew my name and some things about me. They know my children and grandchild name and other things about my business. At this point I didn't think he was that into me. So right now I really don't know what to think. After spending six hours with them I told them I had to leave. I didn't have anything to do but I didn't want to take up all his time from his family so I left. He asked me to stay the night but I didn't feel good about that.
His mother said that he told her that he was in love with me but he never told me. I had no idea how he felt about me because he never told me. He did invite me for breakfast in the morning with him and his family.
I don't get how he can spend time with me when his family is in town but when they are not I don't see him. It's like he is someone else. I even meet his two daughter and both of his grandchildren.
I feel totally off guard but I will do breakfast with them in the morning. All this time I was feeling like a fool and now I just don't know. I will see what happens in the next couple weeks.
I don't know what to say right now. What do you think about this?
Jean, you can't have two threads simultaneously on the go - hence why I posted the link to your new one. So I'm going to transfer this latest response of yours onto said new one, and this thread is now closed (as Part 1).
Thanks for telling me I apologize but I thought it was two different subject now I think I know how this website works thank you