What is wrong with me?
Please don't laugh I really need to know the truth.
I am 48 years old and will be 49 in January. I got married to my high school sweetheart when I was 18 and was divorced at 26. I had four children so I stayed by myself to raise my children. Three of my children is by my ex-husband and one is out of a rape. I have had six relationships in my whole life. Five have left me when they got caught cheating and the last one I break it off because I was not been treated the way I felt I should be. I am always the one that's willing to work through the issues. I feel like I need to spend the rest of my life alone which is something I wish I didn't have to do. For the first time in my life I'm starting to doubt myself. I have survived being raped, breast cancer and my oldest son been shot in the head and left to die. Why do I try so hard to hold on to the other person when they are not trying to hold on to me? Could it be I just don't had enough experience in a relationships and am I naïve to the truth because I don't have that much experience. I know I am not stupid because I started my own business and I have been very successful for the last 20 years. I am very proud of myself I even have a bachelor's degree.
Please tell me the truth about myself. If you need anymore information just let me know.
Is it easier to doubt yourself than to sit and replay 'all the tapes' to examine exactly where and how it is you tend to go wrong in terms of relationship partner selectivity and how you thereafter run or allow the relationship to get run?
For example: Do you really think you were ready for marriage at such a young age?
What (apart from that obvious) made the marriage fail?
How did you end up in the position of being raped?
Ditto your son getting shot of all things?
What kinds of life experiences do you think one NEEDS in order to know in which ways and to which standards one should expect and then insist on being treated (and same for how NOT to get treated)?
The GOOD news is this: the fact you're even reaching out for help against choosing to remain single for the rest of your life is a major sign that your next relationship *will* automatically be better. Have a think and then tell me how you think that would work.
No I was not ready to get married. I do not believe I was ready for marriage at a young age. I could tell you everything that went wrong but I have to take some responsibility for that.
My ex-husband set me up and I am very thankful he left those voice mails on my phone. When the truth came out he manned up and told the truth and he got 7 years for his part.
To be honest I don't know because he has no memory to what happened.
I don't know what kind of life experience anyone needs.
I really feel at a loss and I have made an appointment with a psychiatrist.
After I have talk to the psychiatrist a couple of times I will let you know what is going on.
Maybe I need help and maybe not but I know I need something I just don't want to go through this heartache because of my actions.
Why would anyone laugh? Its such a serious matter!
Yes you could be going wrong in the kind of partners you are selecting or committing some kind of mistake in handling the relations?
Are you a submissive kind of person when it comes to relationships? Meaning do your partners get an impression that they can handle you in anyway and you wouldn't complain? You have written you are the person who 'Works through issues'. In doing so do you give the impression that "no matter what you do, I'll forgive you so that we can just work through this relation?"
See I can only put up guesses as there really is no much info. Good you are meeting a psychiatrist.
No I am not submissive.
I believe if you care about someone you should at least try to work things out. I will not put up with being hit, pushed,or someone being unfaithful. I would not put up with anyone causing me harm.
All those skills (control, concentration, project-orientation) do NOT usually transfer over into successful relationships.
You may subconsciously be picking up "wounded birds" as your next "project" and even when they don't turn out the way you plan, (they fly the coop) you see it as a personal failure.
Seek out men who are MORE successful than you. Get on an even playing field.
PS - do you really need a psychiatrist? (MD)? How about a woman counselor (psychologist)? or women's self-help group. It does not sound like you need medication.
You are right I don't need or want any medication. I just thought I need someone to talk to who will listen and help me figure out what am I doing wrong?
I do have a close girlfriend but she always tell me it's something wrong with them it's not me. I don't like to fail at anything but when I do I do my research and I try again. I have only had six relationships and all has failed so it can't be them it must be me and I need to fix that.
Sorry, 1Jean, I've only just realised it's you!
I thought we'd already established on your first thread ("Am I being a fool?") why it is you tend to settle for less than ideal treatment or not know exactly where all of your boundaries and standards lie - because of you having been primed or re-primed somewhere (childhood or past marriage/relationships) into lowered expectations and self-doubt?
Also, considering your aim was to see if your lax boyfriend could step up given clear warning to - why is it you've just told me you've actually blocked his number whilst you go visit the grandbabies for 3 long weeks? How is that action supposed to convey to him that he needs to offer and provide more perks for you on your side rather than that you've gone and actually ENDED the relationship?
Also, how is this measure an appropriate remedy to your being, quote, too weak (presumably when it comes to not taking any nothing-but-fluff-and-puff calls fashioned to weaken your stance)?
Does this highlight, do you suppose, a major character weakness when it comes to one of the vital ingredients for making Mature & Lasting Relationship Pie? I'll answer that for you:
Analogy: you're overweight because you can't resist cream cakes. They control you rather than the other way around. You need to cut them out of your diet in order to regain your ideal weight and optimum health. There's a cakeshop on your on-foot route to work each day. Your solution is to change your route.
OH, NO, YOU DON'T! That is not you pumping mental iron in order to gain self-discipline muscles. That is you AVOIDING the issue, avoiding the mental gym. How is that supposed to gain you the adult quality of self-discipline?
The only bona fide method is to exert your willpower so that not even a cream cake shoved right under (or up) your nose is enough to break your resolve.
So that's where you're going wrong, then, isn't it. You lack determination thus motivation/self-discipline. Hence you DO know what you deserve to receive, treatment-wise, only you can't summon your strength of mind in order to stay strong in the face of some bloke doing his best to - blah-blah-flowery-blah - talk you round so that you'll (yet again) let him off the hook.
UNBLOCK his number, remind yourself of all that you will and WON'T put up with (having sat and thought it all out, present and past), and then stand rigidly by that conviction whereby matey could even offer you two million pounds to drop your insistence of his betterment, and you'd STILL say 'On yer bike, pal! Treat me like a queen by behaving like a king or NO DICE!'.
Unless one is born with a natural talent, only practise makes perfect.
You don't need a psychiatrist or even a therapist. All you need is ENOUGH SH*T. But you haven't taken enough sh*t yet, have you, because you've only had 5 relationships. Well, if you haven't had enough sh*t to take you firmly to the end of your tether whereby you say, ENOUGH - I DEMAND A PRINCE FROM NOW ON IN MY LIFE!, then you'll have to possess or set free the requisite compensation for that lack - namely, enough DESIRE (this case, for a mature, lasting, healthy, reciprocal relationship)....which brings us full circle back to your commitmentphobia.
Why don't you want a serious, full-on, permanent relationship? That's the burning question you need to answer either here or alone in your head (here if you want help getting over your reluctance.) Name all of the reasons you can think of.
Ok, see your girl friend could be absolutely right. Its them that are wrong. Meaning your picking that type of men who are wrong. Just think over what was it that got you to connected to them? Is there a common factor in it? If there is, then that could be the culprit.
If not then again we will have to delve into the way the relationship blossoms between you both. Have these unfaithful partners told you why they did so? Is there anything in there?
Good you are not submissive! We should fight back any partner who takes us for granted. I can't find anything wrong with your way of thinking!
The only thing I think of is treating my relationship like a business. A business doesn't become successful just because you start it the same goes for a business. I have wrote down all the things I want out of a relationship. I am going to use it like a business plan.
I have unblocked his number and to let him know it is not block I sent him a good night text. His response was "Good Night Babe, I miss you. Can we meet for lunch? I text "Saturday is best for me but it has to be dinner and 5 PM works best for me".
I don't know if this will work but I have to take risks to end up with what I want.
My unfaithful partners has not told me why but I cut off all communication with them. Being friends with them send them a message that I am okay with their action and I am not.
1Jean, everything you're now doing and saying shows A1 self-worth and -respect. But do you KEEP THAT UP as the relationship progresses and the heat INCLUDING NEGATIVE increases or do you get carried away by the hearts and flowers of the Honeymoon Period whereby you're mentally out for the count?
News for you (and nodalodda women realise this): The Honeymoon Period is for the MAN. He 'for once' gets to luxuriate in psychological over-arousal and ubbridled, gushy emotionality like in NO OTHER masculine-centred arena usually offers or allows. That whole period - starting with The Chase, The Wooing and enjoying the Honeymoon drugs high (because being in-love during Honeymoon IS a drugs high, just a self-manufactured one as brings about a unique chemical state) - is evolutionarily tailored to IMPEDE the man's usual self-control capabilities SO THAT we women get to see what they're like under STRESS... to witness them 'showing their a*se' as Beyonce would sing. Happy stress, yes. But stress nonetheless. Why? Because a capable provider has to regularly do so under myriad stressful conditions as proves him capable of LONG-TERM protecting and providing of the woman and their EXCEPTIONALLY (for mammals) long-term dependents (kids).
Whilst the male's there in Honeymoon going fruit-loopy, we women are supposed to watch and score them like Simonella Cowell.
YOU know what men are like when they're egos are roused to the fore. The LAST thing that situation needs is the woman getting all unnecessarily melodramatic - *and* blinkered - *with* him.
Our Honeymoon Period happens *after* we agree to start walking up the serious leg of the relationship path. Having subtly trained them well through our responsiveness, both approving and disapproving, as creates positive or negative reinforcement of their behaviour to point of it BECOMING HABIT for them, that point is the time when the woman can relax and let down their guard a bit. Emphasis on 'a bit' because a woman's work is never done.
So what I'm wanting to know is - considering you seem to have the right no-nonsense, "I ain't 'avin' it!" attitude in principle - what happens to your attitude, thinking and behaviour WHEN UNDER FIRE? Is that when your boundaries, standards and resolve goes out of the window as teaches the man what he can and can't get away with?
You were vulnerable when matey swooped. You'd already TOLD him the bar he had to reach or surpass was only "this high", had you not? Course you had - he was your regular sympathiser. (Don't do that, btw. In future, it's this: "Why didn't it work out? Oh, you know - turned out we were overly incompatible". Not until he's EARNED enough of your trust and detailed divulgences do you confide in him about what a nasty, lazy yet greedy beep your ex actually was).
...Spilt milk. So now we're talking RE-training.
I still think you're a commitmentphobe. I think you sense you have an above-average sized heart inside you, meaning you daren't unleash its goodies because of the hard, hard work and ongoing, permanent maintenance such a properly, optimally *deeply* bonded relationship would demand of you. Not when you already have a business, etc., to run.
Again, you're going to have to make a decision. It's no good loving the idea of a truly bonded union if you can't or won't give it the time and effort it deserves and demands, whereby you can't prop those boundary barriers and standard bars *up* without at some point going, PLEUGH! in a heap.
Whilst you're witnessing the male during Honeymoon and Conflict Phase create fights and dramas (always *under the table* of course), his reason, meanwhile - USING the smoke-screen his little dramas create - is to test and push at your boundaries to see what little he can get away with in terms of decorum and effort/performance, now and into the future. So for all we know, that whole time when matey was dropping his efforts he was underneath that seeming surface testing YOU out. And the test was called, 'How upset will she get if I do or fail to do ...THIS!".
Look at his latest response: ""Good Night Babe, I miss you. Can we meet for lunch? " That's an IMPROVEMENT on the erstwhile situation, is it not? Is it merely a carrot to make you go squishily pliable again or a serious offer? If, by what you've replied, it turns out to be a serious offer then your stance IS STARTING TO WORK. How is that possible if he's permanently lost interest? He hasn't, has he. HE'S LIKING THE CHALLENGE. You act, as a woman, like zero challenge - including giving perks for measly little crumbs - and, to a man, you are BOOOOOO-RIIIIIIIING... not worth the effort... like a cow with a pricetag that gives the milk for free ergo doesn't require purchase.
I think it's 50/50: that you choose a man who thinks he can get a great deal for very little output, but that BEFORE you choose them you PRIME them to see a relationship with you this way, meaning 50% is them being over-entitled lazy uggers and 50% is you being all mouth and not enough CONSISTENT trouser. Capiche?
So, first see if he responds favourably to your 'it's got to be a Saturday' condition and, if so, KEEP THAT QUEENLY ATTITUDE UP!
Simple que ca.
If, on the other hand, it turns out to be just him trying to pull the wool again - you dump the what-has-now-proven-himself dud and start over with a NEW suitor...this time *not* showing him how LOW your exes' bars were set... instead saying "this HIGH": "My ex? Oh, he was an utter sweetie... used to spoil me rotten, treat me like a true princess... wined and dined me... bought me expensive jewellery... minded his Ps and Qs... was so thoughtful, attentive and considerate... only, sadly, we were at heart insufficiently incompatible".
Trust, including your inner core onion layers AND the true ins and outs of your dating history AND how you were treated as a kid growing up by your family members, has to be *earned*.
TRANSFERRED OVER FROM 'AM I A FOOL?'
"Reply from 1JEAN on Dec 11 2014 at 01:02
Today has been very confession. He called and said his mother and sister was stopping by on there way to NY. He ask me could I come over and do some finger food or stop by the store and pick something up he was still at the office. Well I said yes and I cooked some things and took them over to his house. He text me the code to his garage so I could get in. He ask if I could let them in and keep them comfortable until he get home.
I was very shocked that they knew my name and some things about me. They know my children and grandchild name and other things about my business. At this point I didn't think he was that into me. So right now I really don't know what to think. After spending six hours with them I told them I had to leave. I didn't have anything to do but I didn't want to take up all his time from his family so I left. He asked me to stay the night but I didn't feel good about that.
His mother said that he told her that he was in love with me but he never told me. I had no idea how he felt about me because he never told me. He did invite me for breakfast in the morning with him and his family.
I don't get how he can spend time with me when his family is in town but when they are not I don't see him. It's like he is someone else. I even meet his two daughter and both of his grandchildren.
I feel totally off guard but I will do breakfast with them in the morning. All this time I was feeling like a fool and now I just don't know. I will see what happens in the next couple weeks.
I don't know what to say right now. What do you think about this?"
First off, I'm presuming this conversation and event happened AFTER the text request that you do lunch, is that right?
1. So you were shocked and not sufficiently with the enlightenment of the programme, correct? Hence you, quote, didn't know what to think OR HOW TO BEHAVE. Correct?
2. Clearly he *is* into you - because actioned evidence of his family members' gen on you/you and he is inarguable with - but had become both uninspired *and* led to believe you weren't that into *him* thus wanted to receive (and give) only crumbs.
3. Here's where you THINK (BUT AREN'T SURE) you went wrong (albeit understandably, given you were caught off-guard):
- You told them you had to leave despite he'd asked you to stay the entire night.
WHY didn't you feel good about it? Because you didn't want to 'give in' and get back to bedroom business as usual based only on one (albeit quite large) gesture? GOOD. TICK! That's the correct response. It's all very well for *him* to have all along known the secret and guarded programmed, but he can't expect you to change your hold on what you thought was reality onto *another* reality in 0.06 seconds.
IS it mental jarring, though, or is it more that the sudden show of commitment SCARED you and you merely used the switch in realities confusion as your EXCUSE (to run away from der scary committedness)?
In answer to your question about not getting how, etc. It's quite simple: he evidently *did* panic at your ultimatum and (typical male) went OTT in the opposite direction by pulling out all the stops in the form of asking you to play WIFE.
That's not what you secretly wanted, is it. You wanted a more easily manageable pace of increase from third-on to full-on. Correct?
Good that you're going to force yourself to do breakfast with them in the morning. However, you're quite correct in thinking his upped endeavours have to be *SUSTAINED* - and not just over weeks, but months (as well as added to). One giant gesture followed by another desert won't cut the mustard. We're agreed on that, right?
I suggest you act your socks off in responding all the right ways as befit the incoming acts and gestures yet MEANWHILE find excuses not to have sex with him. Not yet. That's the No. 1 male perk in the whole Perks package so, only if YOU'RE getting your No. 1 female perk should that exchange take place.
Understand, this is not using sex as a weapon because getting to have sex with you is no longer his right. He ceded that when he spent X number of months kicking the trust and reciprocation out of you. It's using the greatest form of human-human intimacy as a natural, authentically given RESPONSE aka reward for good, impressive, 'UNDRESSIVE' behaviour *sustained*. In other words - he woos you like crazy until, whoops!, your clothes fall off! As Nature intended.
As I said: RE-training is the name of this game. But it's looking good so far.
Meanwhile, cease worrying about commitment. It's not a steaming hot bath that overwhelms you in one hit. It's a tepid bath that gets quantums of hotter water added over a steady period of time. In other words, you don't tend to even NOTICE that you're giving and getting more as features harder and harder work for bigger and bigger perks. That worry is just a typical human (commitmentphobic) misconceptual *fear*.
CORFOZA, your spam will be deleted anon. Suggest you cease trawling on problem forums for vulnerable people to exploitatively make cash out of or life *will* come bite you hard on the bum! When, not If.
Beep off!, in other words. :-p
I am totally confused on what to do or not do. I am going to need him to do this for a couple month for me to believe it. But part of me wants to believe him right now but I'm tired of being or feeling like a fool.
Let me just say I'm not sure about my feelings right now. His acting is not adding up and why did he talk so highly of me to his family but not to me?
I just don't have the answer right not.
Soulmnate I don't understand your last response @ 02:43
Er, my posts were 1:46 and 2:13. YOURS was 2:43. ("WHO'S on 1st base?!"
Tell you what, let's make it simpler: - thread, via these opening sentances, are you referring to:
1. "1Jean, everything you're now doing and saying shows A1 self-worth and -respect. But do you KEEP THAT UP..."
2. "TRANSFERRED OVER FROM 'AM I A FOOL?'"
Alternatively, try reading them more than once to see if they go CLICK! Or the following might help make it all fall into place...
(In response to your latest
1. Yes, of course you're confused on what to do/not do. So would anyone be, in your position. Relax - you're normal. HE'S the one who isn't (so to speak). But you do have to take some responsibility for that (read on).
2. Again, of course you're going to need him to do this for a couple of months. Longer, even. That's precisely what I meant by, he's got to perform to better standards, *sustainedly*, not just once-off (no matter HOW seemingly significant this latest gesture of his).
3. I'm not so sure he's acting. I suspect PREVIOUSLY, ALL ALONG, was the act...Him trying to pretend he didn't care half as much as he did.
However, you've made it impossible for him not to ditch the act and come clean, by having only just 'said' in no uncertain terms that you expect him to step up to meet your refreshed standards. You *didn't* make the mistake too many women normally make - namely, doing nothing but whinging and complaining and/or making a threat with their mouths. You authenticated your statement with an irrefutably significant, unmistakable, non-misinterpretable **ACTION**: you proved you were serious (by blocking his calls). YOU SHOWED YOU *DO* CARE. And you showed you were worth caring about (by acting like a Queen who is befittingly 'not amuuused').
You also indicated for a worrying minute there, that you might well have gone further - your decision having become: 'Actually, on second thoughts, I'm done'. (Don't think he wouldn't already have noticed your block. Evidence just in suggests the opposite.)
Here's likely why he'd been acting:
He, too, has a history of relationship 'failures'. As a leader type, he sees those failures as a direct reflection on him and his incapability as a chaser, wooer and keeper AND AN IMPRESSIVE MAN. No male of his type likes to appear a failure, not to himself and especially not in front of his mum and sister. Easier, therefore, what with things between you seeming to have deteriorated into nothing but some kind of pithy going-nowhere FWB, to keep that humiliating state of affairs away from the in-person eyes and radars of his family members (and anyone else he prefers to impress).
Now, then. This attempt to pass you off as quasi wifey could either be just for their benefit, or for yours and his as relationship partners. Knowing men, I'd say it's probably both, because look at it this way: how easy to simply claim you were tied up in work meetings or something that whole day or tell his mum and sister their flying visit wasn't do-able in the first place?
Men are very efficient (it's an evolutionary energy-efficiency throwback). "Two for the price of one" is their motto (or three, four, five...). He saw an opportunity to reassure his mum and sis about all the good reports being true *and* to show you he is indeed still open to getting this relationship back on track to Steady&SeriousVille.
He doesn't like feeling vulnerable and like the desires underdog in comparison to you. The 'I'm trying to start a business' excuse was just for face-saving purposes because, with not having trusted you to be his soulmate to whom he COULD be unbridledly honest, in the process leaving himself open and vulnerable, his ego wouldn't have dared let him admit how disappointed he'd become about your back-then lack of genuine complaining and demanding. Think about it: if you don't see a future with a man you're not going to bother demanding he train himself up to your idea of 'marriage'-worthiness, are you. "Yeah, whadevah", is the attitude in that case. So for men seeking signs of keenness, being apt to complain is a *good* thing... just not when it seems to count as nothing more than mere fleeting, negative impulse or the woman just taking her moodies and PMT out on him, only to feel completely differently the next day. *Actions* speak louder than words and/or *authenticate* words.
How do I know this about him? Because, aside from either [a] telling them the visit were wholly inconvenient that day or [b] that you were busy or out of town at that point thus wouldn't be joining them - WHY DIDN'T JUST HE GIVE HIS *MUM AND SISTER* THE ENTRY CODE AND TELL *THEM* TO PICK UP SOME FOOD ON HIS BEHALF? What - doesn't trust them? They're not capable? Come off it.
(That's a Gotcha.)
He gave you his house access code. HOUSE ACCESS CODE.
So (unless he goes and changes it to a new code) it's a genuine gesture in terms of what's behind it.
Brilliant. Great. Super. So now let's check it was no fleeting impulse on *his* part - via said sustainment. In other words, more meaningful acts/gestures like *that* one, please, bartender!
But it's not my JOB to reassure you of his genuineness of intentions, Jean. It's his. Like I basically said, he has to sustain this upped behaviour under his own initiative until he melts that suit of ice armour your psyche has lately donned. This revealing insight is just between you and me, right?
You haven't even met me....forum?, what forum?...you know NOTHING aside from what he's just done; you're just naturally re-piqued in interest enough to be open to seeing what comes next...receiving greater and greater reassurance of his ultimate intentions until the day your psyche sees keeping a suit of armour in its toolbox as now *permanently* superfluous to requirements.
The long, short and curlies of all of this is: (due to his past failures and abject loathness to admit failure yet again) this fella of yours has basically either started out or at some point turned into A BIT OF A CHICKEN, meaning, he's been relying on YOU and signs FROM YOU to give him the courage and incentive to keep working at making you feel like becoming permanently his bona fide full-on-relationship partner.
WRONG WAY ROUND.
*HE* TARZAN, not you. You Jane. Tarzan do - Jane respond. Tarzan shower her in warmth - Jane get hotter and hotter. As Nature intended and still insists on (and sod any modernisms including feminism). The primitive wiring that activates that armour melting - be it initial armour or that grown due to seeming signs of a newly developed need for heart-protection - still controls the mating game, whether we like it or believe it.
Your refusal to stay the night said, 'Nice start but not the full cigar. Keep trying'. Yet your agreement to play hostess in the first place, and at least for a good while, said 'I'm willing to see you do what it takes to prove your sentiments genuine'.
"why did he talk so highly of me to his family but not to me?"
Because if he can "rope" an nice, smart gal, it makes him look good in front of his family.
The fact that he does not give you back this same attention tells you it's all fake. He's using you.
Be honest. Is this guy up to your standards? Or is he just another "fix up project" for you to undertake? At 48, do you really want to spend your life and energy for all this?
"Because if he can "rope" an nice, smart gal, it makes him look good in front of his family."
Ah-hah, BUT...He doesn't need to give her his house access code to achieve that, does he, Susie. He could have asked her to meet the pair of them at the front of the house whereupon his MOTHER input the precious code (shielding it from view).
I understand now Thank you very much.
I told him we needed to talk about our relationship, so we talked for an hour. I explain to him that I will not be a friend with benefits. We've been dating for 14 months and he need to make a decision. By now you should know whether you want to be in my life or not and I need to know where I stand by the end of today. He said "You know you are my lady". I said no I didn't know that and we never sat down and talked about that. I then said if you want me to be your lady then you need to start today treating me like I am because I don't feel like I am.
I explain to him that I know how difficult starting a business can be. I have had my business for 20 years so I do understand. I told him that he was the one that approached me and wanted a relationship so I need you to show me and tell me. I explained to him that this is not what I consider a relationship and it's definitely not what I want. I told him that I am NOT trying to be demanding I'm just asking for what I want which is what I deserve out of a relationship. I explained to him that if he ever needed some help with his business that I would be willing to help him out if I could.
To make a long store short we agreed to have movie night on every Wednesday and every Saturday we will cook dinner together or go out for dinner. But every Wednesday evenings and all of Saturdays are our time together no matter what.
1. His having stayed with the conversation for a whole hour (tick!).
2. Your explanation incl. his need to make a firm decision (tick!).
3. Your conveying your courageous willingness to bail out if need be (TICK!).
4. Your refutation of his claim you should take his commitment for granted and explanation that as a woman, *not* a man, you need actions + words as a *unit* (GIANT TICK!!).
You get a giant one for that one especially because sooo many women at that point would have instantly melted and gone, 'Ahhh, REALLY? Ahhh... Damn, I miss you now. Want to come over?'.
5. "I then said if you want me to be your lady then you need to start today treating me like I am because I don't feel like I am. "
LOL - what can I say? GOLD STAR!!!
6. Ditto you reminding him that he can't kid you over starting a new biz making a proper relationship too difficult (yes, especially since there are millions of married men with businesses whose wives *aren't* busy divorcing them on the grounds of neglect!). NICE ONE!
(PS: Also in that vein: funny how they *do* 'have a clue' when it comes to how they treat (wait for it).. CLIENTS!)
7. "I told him that I am NOT trying to be demanding I'm just asking for what I want which is what I deserve out of a relationship. I explained to him that if he ever needed some help with his business that I would be willing to help him out if I could. "
LOL.. okay, now you're just showing off.
8. Every Wednesday AND....EVERY SATURDAY! NO MATTER WHAT!
Oy. Are you after my job, Jean?
Well, you can't have it - so there. LOL
You're a little fake, what are ya? You *did* know what you were doing and always should have, didn't you. You just wanted someone to hold your hand, remind you you were right and help you keep focus. Yeah, well, ...that's fine by me but it doesn't mean we're engaged or nuffin, LOL.
Seriously, though: superbo! And now you have nothing left to do except keep all of those criteria statements at the forefront of your mind and basically - nicely and ladylike-ly, go 'OY - BOYFRIEND - NAO!!!' if ever he fails to deliver his promises and agreements *devoid* of any genuine extenuating circumstances at the time as would call for leeway or exception-making on your part.
I'll make it easier for you henceforth (just in case - because I know how easy it is to lose your eye off the ball): What do you do if one of your employees fails to execute an imperative duty and despite being firmly pulled up on it by you, insists on repeating that misdemeanour (and same goes for unacceptable interpersonal behaviour)? That's right - you issue them two verbal warnings followed by one written one. If none of those have the desired effect, you then suspend or fire them. By the same token, as opposed to said drip-drip failures and antagonisms as eventually amass into a whole bucketful - if he commits the equivalent of a whole bucketful in the form of one, giant misdemeanour, it's ON THE SPOT INSTANT DISMISSAL, no warnings and no re-employing them at some later date. Excuses and other hot-air pleas for clemency have no effect on you. Because you have a BUSINESS to run and succeed.
Your heart is worth more than any yearly £ profit. It's priceless.
Relationships are likewise a two-way symbiotic deal: Tit for Tat. You provide the womanly perks, he provides the manly perks. Whether simultaneously via 50/50 compromise or takesie-turnsies or pig for horse-shoeing barter system - OVERALL the relationship is more or less equal...both of you are giving and receiving, both of you are happy. Likewise, you dispense the same amount of aggro according to your matching tolerance levels, *and* have compatible arguing and resolving styles (as programmed in by your original family, growing up). But the Light-to-Dark ratio should be greater than 50:50 or it's not really worth the effort. 60:40 is so-so tolerable. 70:30 is good. Above 70 is great. Above 90 and you're almost constantly ecstatic and never losing the urge to sh*g like better and increasingly demented bunnies (and yes that *is* possible because I am that soldier). That's it. Ain't actually rocket science, is it. People only *pretend* it is because they deeper down have some or other fears and dreads standing in the way or pulling them in the non-conducive directions (and again, I used to be that soldier).
Even easier: Eliza Doolittle: "Don't [just] tell me. SHOW me!"
Because *any* idiot can go, Blah-blah-gushy-promisery-flattering-blah, can't they. We don't want fools. We want *real* men ("Urrr!/Purr").
Cannot *wait* for your next update, missus.
PS: you should say hi and compare notes to Lorri ("Single Mom"). Despite her and her bf are a new acquaintanceship, you're still both in a new relationship (you just killed off the old, dissatisfying one, see):
In case she's not aware of you/your thread, just tell her Soulmate sent you.
Good Evening Soulmate.
LOL No I am not after your job, but you are doing a good job. You seem to have more common sense to relationship than I will ever have.
He text me today and asked what would I like to do for the New Year. I told him I had to think about it because of the short notice.
He has a meeting in Ohio Monday and he asked would I like to join him. I told him yes. We will be there for three days.
I am going to give credit where credit is due I think he's trying and I told him that I appreciate him trying.
He was with his last girlfriend for 5 years and they were engaged. Like I said before we are old friend and I knew that about him and I know his ex. He knows my ex and they where friends also.
He was converting his business plan from pdf to Microsoft Word to make some changes to it. So I offered to help. I told him if he bring or email me the pdf I would type it over for him. I type 115 words per minute so I just wanted to help him out and I did.
Now we are going to the movies tonight. (That was my plan) I am meeting him at the movie because I want to go home along. I know if he pick me up and then take me home we WILL have sex. I will be the one initiating contact not to say he never does because he do. I am honey
And I enjoy him 100%
Wow, and I thought I was the fastest typist in the West! I'm 110. Are you a fellow piano player or, just you've been typing for such a long time?
I have a business head ("an' a bady fer sin", LOL - name the movie!) regarding absolutely anything, but I can't take all the credit for having turned this situation around because deciding to approach it newly wearing your business cap was your own idea. That's certainly the attitude men approach it with, better believe it. Doesn't mean you can't be kind, caring, thoughtful, generous and playful *with* it, but, as with business, you always have to have your eye on the end objective - i.e., "Is this relationship continuing to pay equal dividends and is the sum dividend steadily increasing?". In actual fact, the more concentration you put into following the underlying rules, the more the work side of the relationship ticks along like clockwork, meaning the more time you have TO be sweet and fun to be with. Everything in life boils down to a good work ethic, doesn't it. 'If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well'.
Is New Year so very short notice? I wouldn't have said so. Or are you a social planner who's booked up a month in advance when it comes to the biggest social dates of the year? I just want to check you're not panicking a little at the fact of his having gone from plodding pace to 100mph in 0.6 seconds, thereby feeding him a bit of an excuse? Because believe you me - if a man wants to spend New Years with you, that's BIG. Not as big as Christmas Day, perhaps... don't know, really - depends on how you view the two dates in terms of which holds the greater importance. But it's still without doubt an important show of commitment.
...As is Ohio because the fact he's going to be there first and foremost for business reasons yet still inviting you along all the same shows me he's now loath he is to leave his woman alone and susceptible to any other potential male advances ('tis cruising season, isn't it - parties, parties, parties). Bingo! As it should be. Ditto you no longer automatically letting him sleep with you until you're 100% sure he's your permanent boyfriend who isn't going anywhere, bodily OR mentally. The Re-Chase (as makes re-training possible) is patently obviously well and truly on!
Five years is a good innings. But a failure of that magnitude (almost married) would explain his insecurity and recent loathness to be as brave as he should and could be. Still, keep responding like you are like you're paying wages every time he does a good week's work - including bonuses for exceptional performances - and it shouldn't be long before he gets his full confidence back...and then you'll be laughing.
PS...forgot to add:
"I am going to give credit where credit is due I think he's trying and I told him that I appreciate him trying."
It's definitely a good thing to give him words of encouragement (a perk all in itself), again, just like you would a good employee (or in this case, given how quickly he's stepped up, your business partner), so that's fine and needs no apology. The only thing you have to watch for is praising him to a degree that's out of kilter with whatever he's done to please/impress you or else he'll obviously think he's earned future credits. It's like pre-paying, it can act as a de-incentiviser, whereas this is more akin to sales: if he's doing the basic minimum thereby meeting his base target he gets the basic salary/perks, but it's when he excels his sales targets that he gets commission on top. If he consistently excels he then gets the intermittent extra bonuses.
I would love to take the credit for that but no my sister is faster then me. No I don't play the piano but I have been typing since the 8th grade. My auntie is a typing teacher plus she has a typing business. We spent most weekends and summers typing for her (part time job). I was an executive administrative assistant for ten years and I type 90% of the time for my own business. LOL
I would like to know how we get along on these three days in Ohio before I agree to New Years. I will give him my answer before we leave Ohio. The way he is acting now my answer will be yes. I do not want to jump and say yes to everything he asked me.
Do not get me wrong because he is giving me everything that I want and I am happy.
He showed up at my door and said are you ready for lunch? So he cooked us lunch. Then we watched a movie on HBO. Then he asked if I mind if he checked his business email. I said not at all, while he was reading his email he asked me to come over and read the email. He spent an hour answering his business email and he would not let me get out of his lap the hole time. He is now outside wishing my car. When he is done we are going to the store to get something to cook for dinner. We are going to cook dinner together. He came with a overnight bag and I didn't say a word. I see and feel a big change in him and tonight it is whatever he want. Call me easy but he has step up and I am enjoying it a lot. At this point I do want to spend New Years with him. Well let me get off the internet before he come in. I will give you and update tomorrow. Thank you very everything
"I would like to know how we get along on these three days in Ohio before I agree to New Years. I will give him my answer before we leave Ohio. The way he is acting now my answer will be yes. I do not want to jump and say yes to everything he asked me."
Fairenoughski. Just checking.
"He showed up at my door and said are you ready for lunch? So he cooked us lunch. Then we watched a movie on HBO."
Okay, I see what he's up to...
When you said he'd said 'lunch', I thought, as in, taking you out to a restaurant.
Don't get me wrong - it's a tick! for his having gone to the effort to cook for you. But it's a "HMMMM" over the fact he wanted you and he to be behind closed doors where it was just a quick hop, skip and jump to the bedroom.
Try-it-on alert! (Typical.)
"Then he asked if I mind if he checked his business email. I said not at all, while he was reading his email he asked me to come over and read the email. He spent an hour answering his business email and he ***would not let me get out of his lap the hole time***."
Yup - same again (and this time not even any stair-climbing involved).
Somebody's missing the sex BADLY.
"He is now outside wishing my car. When he is done we are going to the store to get something to cook for dinner. We are going to cook dinner together. He came with a overnight bag and I didn't say a word. I see and feel a big change in him and tonight it is whatever he want. Call me easy but he has step up and I am enjoying it a lot. At this point I do want to spend New Years with him. Well let me get off the internet before he come in. I will give you and update tomorrow. Thank you very everything"
Sorry. But I think you gave him the perk to beat all perks a bit prematurely. Yes, the cooking for you and washing your car was a mini-sustainment. But we weren't WAITING for one day's sustainment, were we. And the Ohio trip and New Years date AREN'T ACTIONS YET; until they actually happen they're just promises (blah-blah).
You may NOT have acted prematurely, there may have been lots of other non-word-describable signs and indications to prove these two effort-expending acts a true sign of the way things will be from now on, which I don't know about. But I, personally, would have held out until such time as I could have seen they weren't just a one-off show of effort.
Okay. Spilt milk. Future damage limitation time: From here, the SECOND he seems to slide in terms of his wanting to put himself out for you in whatever ways other than and including elbow-grease, you cross your legs again.
Exception: have you seen any proof that he's definitely taking you to Ohio yet? ...plane tickets, for example? Alternatively - burning question: did he fix - that's fix, not verbally explore - the next date, as in AFTER Ohio, that you two will be getting together?
No - wait - Ohio is *tomorrow*, isn't it.
Scratch that, then. But still answer the bit about the next date he's set *following* the trip.
Yes he brought the airline tickets yesterday and printed them out. We went to his house early so he could pack his suit case and now his asleep on my couch. While he was packing I cooked breakfast. Yes, the Ohio trip is tomorrow. We didn't make love last night we fell asleep on the couch listening to romantic music.
Ah-hah, that's different then. Good, phew, excellent!
(Have a fun trip!
I had a great trip to Ohio and some fun. I had breakfast in bed each day. I met his business group for happy hour each day and then dinner at 7pm. (They do a lot of happy hour but they called then "brief meetings"). I don't know what they did in the mornings I stayed at the hotel until lunchtime.
He introduced me as his better half. I was a little surprised at that title. One of them said "We've heard a lot about you and your business and have been very excited to finally meet you". I was also surprised because they were talking to me as though they knew me. For him not to spend a lot of time with me he was show talking about me a lot to other people.(I will never understand males). Don't get me wrong he's always been a gentleman and very nice to be with but he wasn't giving me the attention I wanted or needed.
At dinner it was nothing but business and it went on for hours. After spending those days with them I do understand they have a lot of work to do. It was six of them and only three bring their wife/girlfriend/better half. The other two lady's said they have to go with them on the trips because that the only real time they get with them. (I don't think I would want to do that every time).
We talked a lot about us and I told him "I will try to be a little bit more understanding but I need you to pay more attention to me". He promised me that he would pay more attention to me. We talked about putting this behind us and move on. He also said he would make his actions match his words.
This morning I received three dozen long stemmed red roses. The message said "Beautiful roses for a beautiful lady, I love you".
I'm not going to put all my eggs in the same basket but he is getting big points right now.
Yeah, I had a Happy Hour earlier this evening with hubby, as it happens, LOL. Or should I call it Contended Hour since we only had the one glass each? I'm not sure...Maybe I should go look in the mirror to see how hard I'm grinning? PMSL!
Well, anyway, all of that sounds very much like Mister Man is definitely back in it to win it with you, so that's really great news, Jean, I'm really pleased for you! And actually, for a man to have stepped back up so quickly and significantly after just one firm warning is exceedingly positive in terms of what it bodes for your future. Thumbs up!
Re finding out about his keenness from other people... Men are very efficient and like to try to achieve a number of things through one single action (or campaign, if you prefer). It's 'buy one, get one free', and, 'get your car serviced here and the M.O.T. is half price', etc.
...So, what with this extra data, I'm now suspecting that maybe he'd backed away BOTH naturally and genuinely (out of disappointment that you'd seemingly become less keen on him plus a loathness to remain quite so close where potential pending rejection (if that's what was coming) would hurt more) *and* partly-deliberately as a form of 'treat her mean, keep her keen'. Treat Her Mean is a very common male reaction in that circumstance. They think it's easier and more face-saving than just daring to put their ego on the line in simply ASKING you whether you're going off them / how much into them you are. And maybe because he genuinely *was* busier with starting his biz, that busy-ness represented a highly opportune and convenient moment FOR implementing Operation Re-Keen Jean(?).
The final little agenda in that campaign, I think (in reference to the comment that wife made), was to see whether *you* would become one of those "I'll take anything" types. I think if you'd proved you would, one part of him would have felt disillusioned over you/the relationship yet another part would have felt- not relieved but at least somehow *compensated* by the fact of it allowing him to 'have a love affair' with his business instead (make sense?)
Could be. And if so, it was definitely a far nicer tactic method than you can more commonly get. Take a look around this forum and you'll hear about men that, wanting to re-capture attention or increase it in their partner, don't just suddenly becoming less attentive themselves but also deliberately give the woman reasons to think her position as girlfriend is under immediate, serious threat of another advancing woman. Some will even go so overly far as to SLEEP with another woman (which, of course, the gf is always allowed to, whoopsie-daisy, find out about). So not only is your guy intrinsically a gentleman but you should additionally take his 'cleaner', simplee withdrawal-only method as testimony to his possessing far more respect and finesse than those other, ham-fisted types. (Tick!)
...In which case, *you* won't HAVE to 'do that every time'. I believe him. He'll MAKE time instead of trying lazily to squeeze his romantic life into the periphery of his business life like those (very silly) group associates of his - for the simple reason that he now knows that, unlike them, *he* won't be allowed to get away with it!
Ber-bom. THAT SIMPLE... along the very lines of what I always, always stress: People will only ever treat you AS BADLY AS YOU'LL *LET* THEM.
"The message said "Beautiful roses for a beautiful lady, I love you". "
"I'm not going to put all my eggs in the same basket but he is getting big points right now"
No, it's alriht, Jean - I think you can relax a little (including sh*g him again) now. You've done the hard part - the actual installing of the visible boundary fences. Now comes just strolling alongside them each week to check he isn't trying to create a little crawl hole in one of them and that there are no suspicious footprints to suggest he's tried to clamber over any of them whilst you were taking a nap, LOL.
I think you should now return these series of positive tennis balls that he's lately served over the net, and cook him a nice candlelit dinner. After all, it's not only about receiving, it's about giving too. (Giving is not a problem if you've been GETTING.) Plus, it's important to respond befittingly when the serves have been quite impressive. And put it this way: when those blokes revealed how much bf secretly talks about you to them (and how positively), bf did *not* respond by clearing his throat loudly and changing the subject, nor try to pretend they were lying or whatever. Again, some men might have. (Tick!)
Yup, the fences are sturdily in-situ and now it's just maintenance from here (and hopefully not even occasional repairs).
You're both exceedingly quick to catch on and respond in the right ways. Well done.
Just to ensure I've explained properly: I think he was, unbeknownst to you, FLATTERED AND RE-INSPIRED by the fact you weren't prepared to settle like those biz mates' partners are. Like I say: businesses are all well and good but they don't tend to hold your hand on your deathbed, do they - his business included! I think he knows that and has his priorities straight.
I would just like to give you all a very large thank you and am very grateful for your very timely responses and extent of help and information you have provided. It’s nice to know that there are people and sites out there that provide this help on your sit.
Today is Saturday(date night). We will be cooking a romantic dinner together.
Sorry, Jean, had to delete my entire last message (mere edit isn't possible yet) because I suddenly realised I'd typed something self-compromisory in error.. but basically my message said: you're very welcome and do come back and see us if ever you need help with any other future, bog-standard relationship-path hurdle, and to see if you can post any update or new development onto this very thread rather than starting some new one... and to have a great life meanwhile and meantime enjoy the fruits of your labour/conviction.