Family and relationship advice please
Hi, I feel my problem(s) are silly but I cant seem to find an answer or a way to work it all out, not sure where to start so here goes,
Since may my 4 year relationship with boyfriend and my relationship with family is slowly falling in on itself, it all started on my last holiday with my boyfriend where an item of ours been used and damaged, this had been stored at my mothers house where I have younger siblings, one of them obviously borrowed it without asking , but when asked everyone denied it but it couldn't of been no one or one of those things because the item was put back into storage in perfect condition( to this day I still do not know who had done it) well my boyfriend was so angry because of the damaged it resulted in him having an argument with my mother and my siblings, resulting with further feuds between my family.
Since that argument things have just got bigger and hidden problems between my family members have all been aired. My brother has decided that he no longer wants to be around my mother and sister and has totally cut them off and moved out. My boyfriend refused to come round my mothers again which is difficult as I am currently living there because of saving up to move out with him. I had thought it was just a faze as he was angry and would eventually change his mind. He still to this day refuses to step foot through the door. I go to visit it him all the time now and because he is also at home and having to share a room with his younger brother, for the same reason why I'm at home, we have no privacy no time together for intimacy. It has been really hard but I thought we were managing.
The past few weeks have been really difficult, I have noticed he is going out with his friends more on the days we used to spend together so our time together as a couple has really depleted , conversation seems lacking and generally feels stale. We have had a chat and agreed to put more effort in but I feel like he has just said it to keep me happy and nothing on his side has been changed etc. I feel I'm the one fighting for us to be!!
Last night we had a chat and he said he wants to split because of the divide my family has caused and he cant tolerate the way things are are. I've explained again that we both have to put 100% in to our relationship but it just feels he has given up and finding an excuse.
I know it seems so stupid and seems to make no sense.its driving me insane and I'm getting so depressed with it as I feel I'm right in the middle of everyone falling out. I feel like a child asking for help when I'm a grown woman, To me its so stupid and can be fixed but I cant see the way to fix it all.
I know of a guy who left valuables with a relative while he finished his service in Germany, got home only to find the items had been used, wrecked or sold. He STILL talks about that and it's been years.
How is the "saving up for a place" going. Is he also saving?
Well, saving up for him seems very easy, his family are really helpful and he has a well paid job. I however am on a minimum wage job and I do find it hard to save, I have saved but not as much as he has, he wants us to go half on everything which yes, is fair but it'll take me a lot longer with the money I earn, and I now feel I'm on a time limit before it all blows up. I also have never had a close family, I'm close to my younger brother his 18,and there's not much he can help with. I've always sort of looked after myself, even being at home.my family try to help as little as they can, always been the same.I have to pay my mother for staying there, I do my own washing and pay for my own food etc. I have my own car so have to pay bills for that. Saving up to buy a house just seems like its going to take forever and my mother wants me to move out asap. My boyfriend doesn't want to rent,only buy. I feel I'm going to have to rent by myself for a while as its causing me more arguments at home than its worth.
86Lunar, you shouldn't have to fight to be loved! I'm not saying he doesn't tell you he loves you, I'm saying real love is caring so much about the other person that things being "fair" don't matter because you would do anything to be together. Things don't matter more than the person you love either! From what you've said, this relationship has become very one sided and it seems more like he has used to fight to get you running around after him and now even thats too much effort for him.
I don't see that you would be happy even if you won enough money to buy a house, because this doesn't really seem to be about your family. If he's not man enough to make it work with your family or make compromises to get you away from them so you can be together then what will happen next time your relationship hits a bump??
He clearly knows you love him, but even so his decision is just to give up. I suggest you grieve the loss of the relationship you thought you had, focus on getting what you want and then if he wants a place in your life down the road you can decide if he's man enough for you then.
Wait a minute - do the math! You are NEVER going to be able to go "halves" with him. Your income is not the same; his is so much higher. Do you see what I mean?
If this guy was serious, he would get an apartment for the two of you and take care of you for a while until things get better. I don't think he is there for you.
So . . . get a Plan B (maybe with your brother) and make other plans for housing. Even if it's renting a room somewhere for just yourself.