Will I ever forgive him and can he ever change?
There are a few problems in my relationship and I don't know what to do. Me and my partner have been together for 3 years, we started off as friends but I knew he loved me just by the way he was around me, very thoughtful and affectionate.
One day he asked for more and I said yes but I was quite anxious, my previous relationship had been very abusive and I didn't want a repeat of this. I explained to my partner that I needed a lot of reassurance in a relationship so that I know I'm loved. My partner said he understood this.
Ever since we have been in a relationship he has stopped being affectionate. It went from being intimate once a week to once a month, he doesn't hold my hand, cuddle me, kiss me or touch me in anyway. He won't even compliment me and just says I love you on the phone or when he's going out. I've confronted him about it many times but nothings improved, he is only ever affectionate when he wants sex and even if I don't feel like it as he will pressure me until I give in.
I came to except this was just the way he was and we now have a child together.
This brings me to my other problem, my partner was a heavy drinker, I felt uncomfortable when he was drunk because he would be nasty and disrespectful towards me, he pushed me when I was pregnant and has screamed in my face telling me I'm nothing for no reason at all. In July he got drunk and turned his music up really loud when the baby was asleep in bed, the baby woke up as a result and I asked him to turn it down. My partner became verbally abusive towards me because of this. I walked off into a different room to feed our baby, as he was crying because of the loud music. My partner followed after me and attacked me when I was holding our baby, I was terrified. Our baby was very distressed which is what has upset me more than anything else.
Ever since this happened, I haven't felt the same towards my partner. He hasn't hit me since, he has cut down on alcohol too but he says this is because he wants to lose weight. He is a good person usually and he says he wants a future for us as a family and he's working hard to save for a mortgage. I just can't help feeling distant from him, I've lost the connection I felt and now I feel like I'm just waiting for something else to happen. I feel guilty for feeling this way because he hasn't been horrible to me for a few months but I feel like I'm just looking out for anything he's doing and feeling angry about it. I don't know what to do!
There are MULTIPLE issues here. Can you get to a relationship counselor?
His abuse is unacceptable! For your child's sake, do what you have to do to keep safe.
Do you think you have a pattern in your relationships? From one abuser to another? There are signs, even when dating. You need to educate yourself about what to look for.
Be sure you have the name of an abuse center near you. Keep that and your ID in a safe place if you should ever need to get out fast.
What about extended family?
My partner has refused to go counselling, together or alone. I know it sounds unacceptable but he hasn't done it again since . I think this is why I'm so confused, he's a good person most of the time, there is just things that I need in a relationship which he won't give me, like the affection. Maybe I have got a pattern, I'm 24 and I've been in 2 abusive relationships, they were really bad. This is the best relationship I have had. The thing his he didn't really show any signs when we first met. I thought he was really genuine. I know it sounds a bit pathetic but I'm also worried that if we were to split no one would ever want me as I have a child and no man would love me for me!
he's a good person most of the time,(minimizing his behavior? He knocks you around, drinks, can't be affectionate or attentive except when HE wants it and you say he's a 'good person."?)
partner has refused to go counseling (of course; he doesn't want to be confronted about his behavior. Next thing he will do is claim it never happened and you are "crazy.")
This is the best relationship I have had.(really? the other one was abusive. What about any others? Is this one your only comparable?)
no one would ever want me as I have a child and no man would love me for me!
(is this what HE has told you or is this your low self esteem talking?)
If your child sees an unhappy mother and an abusive father, what kind of role model is that?
Please go to counseling even if he doesn't. Tell him YOU have issues and need to talk to someone about them. Then he can't think it's about him.
Pheonix22, if he was capable of hurting you before, that capability is still there, even if you haven't seen it since. He didn't care then that he could have hurt the baby and that is why everyone is telling you to be careful and to know where to go if it happens again. You have to think like a protective mother now, not just a partner. It's bad enough that anyone would even think of abusing you, even worse if a child is involved. Too many children are abused because their parent doesn't protect them. Do you trust him to be alone with your child? Do you KNOW he won't drink when you are out?
Being with someone just in case someone won't want to date a mother isnt a good reason. I know plenty of guys who have taken on children as their own, my brother-in-law was in fact and even when he has put them through so much, his 'dad' is still a dad to him.
just because he stopped abusing doesn't mean it's okay and everything's good now.if you are not married it would be good to take your child to a peaceful place and raise it by yourself. for your kid. i don't believe he is or ever can be a good father and i am sure he will start drinking again.
save your child from bad memories and trust me if i were you, i wouldn't feel the same way about him too.
you have some issues here.
a. you say he is a good person but he is not affectionate to you, he talks to you nicely only when he wants sex or something.
b. he has an off-and-on drinking problem, which he stopped now, not because he cares about you and your baby, but because he wants to "lose weight". and neither he wants to go to a couple's counselor for the sake of your relationship. does he really care for you and the baby?
c. you are only 24 and you have been in abusive relationships twice.. and you think that this relationship is better, but why? just because he doesn't physically abuse you?
d. how was your childhood? was there abusive parents or neighborhood?
he talks to you nicely, then suddenly drinks and lashes out on you, then behaves like nothing has happened for months. i am sure he repeated this cycle before, that man wants you to "feel guilty." and that's why your perception of him is a "good man".
do you have any form of financial support or you rely on him for that?
if you have family, like mother or sister or someone you can count on, going there for some time and simultaneously seeking for professional help would be a good idea.