Effects of divorce in family
My brother was married and had 2 children. He is now divorced. I am married with 2 children. The problem is my brother was married to my wife's sister. We all live in the same house. He has been divorced 7 years and he and my parents continue to blame me and my wife for his divorce. We are not to blame but my family say that it is our fault because my brothers wife is my wife's sister. This is never ending . What can we say or do to change this. It is now affecting my daughter these never ending arguments. What should I do?
You said: my parents continue to blame me and my wife for his divorce.
Can you tell WHY?
ok... so, living under one roof is a huge factor. People in general will seek to blame others when they themselves feel guilty about something related to the something their blaming another for, or when they want to place attention away from themselves. When you blame someone, what is the common hand gesture associated with the action of blame? Pointing the finger, "it's your fault." Now obviously when you point at someone you have 3 fingers point right back at ya. Telling everyone else (who actually notices these things and would jump on it) that there is something off in the individual accusing. How to see this, is to not become emotional during a confrontation no matter what. Possible? Yes, hard? I'd rather try fixing a car engine... which I couldn't with my life on the line. JK I'm actually really good at being un-emotional XD... which is bad don't do it.
So, now let me take you into the minds of your family. You have a whole family, your still married. I (your brother) has a broken family. You both were presumably raised under similar circumstances, you both married women presumably raised similarly. These are the inner questions they are asking.
-How could this have gone so wrong? We all were in the same house we all saw the same things. (they can't see the hidden truths because they are running on emotions at this point. Emotions are necessary, but keep in mind that they start wars, people kill over them, people do miracles with them, and people succeed and fail with them. Uncontrolled they are dangerous, controlled, and you control yourself and those around you.
-(parents) What could we have done better to help our son? We know him, and truth or not, we knew her. (bothers wife) (Your parents have their opinions of what truth may be. But they can't see behind closed doors. They can't truly hear the entire conversations. That's known as TV when you can see behind closed doors.)
-(your brother) He knows the full situation. He knows what really happened. Possibilities are: he is feeling guilt. He is feeling like he failed somehow. He did, so did his wife. (perhaps this is harsh but don't look at this analysis emotionally.) His kids are now going to suffer due to their actions and the kids are going to live distinct lives from your kids who have the emotional protection of you and your wife's unity.
Now I can create a psychological profile of your brother from what you have provided and come out with about a 60% accurate image. The answers are in the words you provided. But I don't need to know him, you need to know him in the now. His mentality. You need to ask yourself what really happened? You need to know the "W's" who, what, why, when and where. Those questions will provide you with all your answers. I can't fully explain the technique but investigate and you will find them. Take those answers and speak to your family about them. Control all your emotions then watch, observe reactions, body language, don't go to argue a viewpoint or defend a viewpoint. Go to read their whole being words included. The truth is what is being hindered in this situation. If your brother admitted the reality and your parents realized and admitted it as well. There would be no issue. Because whats hiding amidst this problem would be out in the open.
The very last thing you need to be warned about. Down the road if this isn't hammered out among your relatives. Their anger towards you as you have already witnessed will grow and encompass your entire family. Anger is like a poison. Very few people who really have an inner anger with a belief that they believe is fact, will fester. In their denial as it grows out of proportions jealousy may easily result, and that will severely affect your family.
I know it was long but felt it was something may need.
I completely spaced this, its important. Your brother is hiding an inner secret. Why? Because the blame thing, and the pointing of the finger thing. He doesn't want to face the truth, having mom and dad supporting his viewpoint on blaming you and your wife and what not delays him of having to face that secret. I would find out what that secret is if I were you.