TO DIVORCE OR NOT- ABUSED AND TIRED
Hi. I am new to this site. I hope to find answers to my problems..or atleast to have someone offload this burden I'm carrying.
My husband and I dated for two years prior to our marriage. We've been married for two years now and I have not known peace ever since.From a distance, he is a quiet, calm and collected man. We have a child together who is 1year 4months old.My husband is a responsible man as he has a job and takes care of the family's needs well, and also that of his child who is 5(from his past relationship). Actually, my husband and I are both working and support our child and his in every single way one can imagine. However, his child stays with its mother.
Although my husband seems to be responsible and of a quiet caliber, he is somewhat abusive (a lot of times emotionally), rude and ill mannered. A month before the wedding, my husband started showing what he had hidden all the time we were dating. He even slapped me a night before the wedding after what one would call a "minor misunderstanding" and that was a first (PHYSICAL. That came as a shock to me and I was really angry that I wanted to call off the wedding, but my matron of honor who was with us in the car at that time convinced us to go on with the wedding and forget what had happed, and blamed the incident on the stress and anxiety of the wedding preparations.
However, it never ended. He is on and off. One minute we're happy, the next we're at it again! He has been verbally abusive to me in front of the kids (our child and nephews) and even in the presence of our helper. He wants to control EVERYTHING and EVERYONE under his roof and he does it through getting angry at me all the time. This really kills me. To the visitors and his friends, he appears to be just a quiet person who likes to watch football on t.v when he is not at work. I tried many times to seek for help from his family. He has walked out on both our elders/ parents as well as his siblings when they tried to talk us into unity. He has this hidden EGO that's just sooo...jus too much that I don't even know how to explain.
My husband is the kind that gets too excited when he wants and would expect everyone to be that happy, and when he switches off his mood, its when I know I should by all means keep a distance. But really, how does one live with that?? The one surprising thing that I'm even ashamed of is that, we're both Christian. When we first met, we were going to different churches and so we stuck to that as he understood how much I loved my church and valued the principles and values I was taught there. With him, I never got to fully understand how much he valued his coz he only said so by mouth but he goes to church occasionally. 3months can pass without him going to church, but I appreciate that he listens to gospel music and does go sometimes (that should be encouraging.
Yes, there are times that he is just a loving husband that brings flowers to his wife, massage her and do all one can think of. However, there is hardly a month that passes by without us arguing. Almost every two weeks, something must happen. We argue or fight for small things. The one thing that upsets me the most is that, when he is angry with me, he does not care who says what, he gets disrespectful to my mother, that is , he would lock me outside the house when I'm with her no matter how hard I knock for him to open at night if we've had a disagreement. He would walk out on her when he is upset or say whatever he wants to.
The one thing that makes me wonder if I should stay or not is that, the last time I talked to his mother about his ill behavior, (2months back),she told me and even mentioned to him (during my absence) that she is too tired of my complaining. And seemingly he was proud to have heard that from his mother. In addition to what his mother told him, he even told me that the one and ONLY ONE person he loved to the grave was his child (from the past relationship), and that made me wonder, "THEN WHAT AM I DOING HERE IF I HAVE TO BEG FOR LOVE"? Ever since then, I just swallowed up everything and told myself I was going to keep quite no matter how much pain I was going through. I pledged to myself that I wasn't going to say anything to his family no matter the "HELL" I go through with him. Ever since I met his mother, I used to treat her as my own and make a phone call to her almost everyday to find out how she was doing, like I do with my mom. However, its been two moths now and I don't call her anymore since she told me in the phone how tired I make her by complaining about her son. I only get to see her when we visit as she stays out of town, and I really never have much to talk about when with her.
On the other hand, my husband seems to have improved since the last argument we had(when he told me all what his mother thought and how much he loved his child more than me and our son--the last time I called his mother..). That's 2 months now. When I told him I wanted a divorce, he told me he was just angry and said he didn't mean what he said. I told him that, the things that we say when we are angry for the most part are the things which were hidden deep in our insides, hence they come out. He always tells me that he loves me and that he doesn't want to lose me. I really feel for our child...I don't want him growing up with his parents separated. Also, sometimes I wonder if he is being this "bossy, controlling and abusive" only to seem somehow better than me only because my education is way too higher than his???....even so, I still submit to him...I don't act like I'm better or something...Its really hard to think of divorce when you have a child together, a small child, and when you're Christian. Sometimes you're divorcing for someone even worse later in life. I also feel for him, I know he is a better person with me. He has achieved what he wouldn't have by now, because of my presence in his life. That's what I thought we had to be for one another...PILLAR OF STRENGTH. Rather, in our relation, I'M HIS PILLAR OF STRENGTH and he is the DESTROYER OF MY STRENGH....THE NIGHTMARE OF MY DREAMS....yes he is trying day by day, but he has killed the love in me....there's just a glimpse of light...I just don't know if I can ever love him again completely...
May I ask what is his age?
From the looks of it his main issue seems to be anger management.
Hi, I am also a Christian wife. Hunni, marriage is about two people who made a contract, it sounds to me that he never took that contract seriously, his part in that contract is to love and cherish you. I don't think he understands what he promised to do. Loving and cherishing means protecting you, especially from himself, honouring you in who you are as a daughter of God, providing for you, for ALL your needs.
It sounds like you've been honouring your side of the contract, and the reason you're struggling with submission is because he is supposed to provide good leadership to submit to. You've married a poor head of a family and found yourself to be degrading yourself, putting aside your God given rights as a wife to fit beneath him.
It sounds like you need to take a step back from this relationship, hopefully only temporarily, to stand up to him and re-evaluate this contract you made together. Do it with counselling if possible, either with a christian or a non-christian counsellor. Either go to a friend or family member or seek help from a domestic abuse charity, whatever it takes, make a move that shows you mean business.
It may feel like a wrong decision to separate your child from the father, but you are showing your child how to lovingly fix a relationship that is wrong. You are showing that verbally and physically abusing women is WRONG and not to be tolerated. A good lesson for boys and girls to learn!
I'm sorry this is your experience of marriage and I am praying that God will open his eyes to his behaviour and his responsibility and that he will man up for his family!
I am 28 and he will be 30 in January.
Thank you VIOLETTE. I have told myself numerous times that I was going to leave him for sometime for him to see how serious this is. This means I had to communicate and agree on it with him so that its not like I'm deserting our matrimonial home or taking away our child. However, the many times I told him I wanted separation he told me he wanted us to work our problems out...its either we stay together or get a divorce if I want which was not part of his thoughts.
He told me that he was not going to accept separation as he did not marry to separate. He has really put me in a tight corner by saying this and thoughts of just going without his consent have crossed my mind. But knowing his temper, I am scared that he might be tempted to follow me to wherever I would have gone to stay for some time and do something that he would regret later on. You know how men kill their partners nowadays. It is so scary to think about. He is not a bad person in general as he is sometimes calm and loving. But for the most part he is not so loving to me as he is abusive no matter how much he sees a bucket full of my tears. It is only when I cry that he apologies but does it over again. He and the kids have a great relationship even though he has stressed me out by telling me that the only person he loved dozens is his child from his past relationship.
I have asked him to go for counseling together, he agreed. We did only one session and all he could do was lie and paint himself saint.
I agree with you SHIVANGI, he has major anger problem. He cannot contain his temper and to me, he also seems like he has low self esteem and its always like he wants to be "THE MAN" in the house...he wants to be the 'boss" and he gets easily upset by small things. He is however quick to apologies after we've had an argument. He has made things really sour for me in the relationship because its almost difficult for me to forget and move on as we argue EVERY MONTH or EVERYDAY....sometimes even at our "happiest moments"...I always have flashbacks of the way he treats me even when we're having sex. To him its always MAKING LOVE and to me its just having sex for his sake and because I'm his wife I shouldn't deny him that..., most times my feelings are just numb and still in the process, I wonder at the back of my head "did he marry me just to legalize this, or just for social status"...it hurts so bad.
At times he gets so over the moon in love and to me it pricks my heart and all I want to do is cry...because, having to think that he cannot let me be that happy ALL THE TIME, but only when he decides to....it really hurts soooo bad!
Once again he's dictating the relationship, 'stay here under my control or get a divorce'. The first time you brought it up it was fair enough to ask you to stay but evidentally nothing has been done to work your problems out or you wouldn't be here.
If he couldn't be honest with the counsellor then he hasn't tried counselling, he's gone through the motions of counselling to placate you.
I get that you want a mutual separation, but evidentally this isn't going to happen. Get advice from a domestic violence charity or someone you trust, maybe a church leader, as to how to approach this. You need to stand up to him in a safe place. I don't have experience in this area.
I understand you want to keep divorce as a last resort, but your marriage has to have boundaries, you have to feel safe, loved and respected. Contracts don't work if both parties don't keep up their end of the bargain, hence why adultery was a reason to divorce in the bible. He can't dictate all the terms, that's not a partnership.
Sex shouldn't be denied as a general rule but he really doesn't seem to get any negative consequences for his actions, do you think he would force you if you said no? If the answer to that is yes, then regardless of anything else you need to find a safe place to take your child to. It's bad enough he thinks verbally abusing you is okay, let alone physically harming you.
Does he ever do or say anything harmful to your child?
Okay I get the picture now. He is a control freak and uses his anger to control all around including you. He has a low esteem due to your higher education and this is deep inside of him (the result of his own thoughts and has nothing to do with your behavior). He doesn't want to lose you as you have been his pillar of strength and the joy he gets by your submission.
Now he is only 30. Right now it might seem to you that you are walking on egg shells. In another 10 years his anger will mellow down. But it is going to be a tough ride with him till then. You have 2 options which you have already identified. Stay with him or divorce him. Both are difficult paths.
If you divorce him, to get him to agree for a divorce itself is going to be a task. Why would he let you go? He gets to dominate a girl whom he considers higher than him. He is improving his low self esteem by pushing you down. Then again you have a small baby. Managing the baby alone will be difficult.
If you decide to stay, you will need lots of patience and will require lots of hardwork to manage him. He will have to work on his low self esteem. You can help by praising him and giving him confidence. But in this path things will improve only slowly and with time. If you can get professional help for this, might help.
In the meanwhile do also keep in mind your baby is growing up witnessing this abuse and would probably experience it too.