Okay so I looked up different articles and advice from different sources and came across this website. I read the articles and to be honest, my situation doesn't seem to fit anywhere. Maybe it's my denial and my thinking that none of this fit with us. Or maybe I am blind and think that none of the advice or articles work for me. I looked up different things like how to tell he stopped loving you or how to get him back and truly nothing fits for us. But however I need so much advice and so help to understand all of this that happened two weeks ago to me. I have discussed with my friends and the most part they give good advice and good support but I need more.
This is my situation which I will try to keep brief but still give enough information for everyone to understand.
I work for a cruise company and in July of 2013, I meant the man that I soon fall in love with. At first we started as friends and soon we became more. At first he was open and honest and said we can't be together because of his family. He is indian and Christian faith. So I respected that and didn't really mind, I was going home soon and off to my next ship so I had no reason to hold onto him. But about two weeks before I left. He decided he wanted me and wanted to try us and wanted me to come back to the same ship to be with him. I didn't agree to coming back to the same ship but I was thrilled he wanted to try. So I went home and we said a tearful good bye and as soon as I was home, I requested to come back to the same ship to be with him again. I was thrilled for my choice and couldn't wait. Now I was at home for two months and yes the contact from him was good the first few weeks but than it became less and less. Now I didn't mind fully, and I think part of me not minding was that we weren't deep into our relationship yet. I then went ahead and joined back to the his ship. I was excited to see him and my friends. But I was also so nervous to see him as we barley talked for the last month. That night he told me straight away that he could not be with me because of his family. I was upset that he allowed me to come back and changed his mind. But I am also that type of person that tries to see the positive in everything. I try to think of the reasons I was meant to come back and maybe he wasn't the reason and I just hadn't meant my reason yet. That's the person I am.
Now I can't say that I did more chasing after him or he did the chasing but I can say is that I was the one waiting around for him more. If he said he would be over at a certain time or in just half an hour, I would stay and wait around in my room instead of enjoying my time with friends. Then he would come over hours later and just say sorry. So I was the stupid one waiting around for nothing. We would sometimes talk at crew bar or crew parties but I could always feel his eyes on me, he watched everything I did and who I talked too. We had a bit of a relationship going but not a great one. So after two weeks of that game, I decided to stop it. I decided that I deserved better and everyone else saw that I could do better as well. I did my own thing. I hung out with my friends more in the crew bar or went out around the ship more. I started meeting new people and talking to other guys. As he watched for two weeks that I wasn't giving my full attention to him and was getting other attention from other guys. He completely changed. He stopped listening to everyone else about me and decided he would take a choice in his life and pick me first. It was like a day and night change within him. I wasn't scared to allow him in this time because I could feel and see the change. It was so wonderful and I was very delighted. Now just two weeks into our new found relationship, he dropped a bit of a bombshell on our relationship. In one of the ports on my first week back, he went to a men's club and paid for sex. Of course, I was crushed and so unhappy that he could do such a thing but I forgave him. I knew that during that week we weren't together and to me it wasn't like cheating. What hurt more is the fact that he came to my bed that night. I never ever thought he would be the guy that did such a thing. He first tried to say one thing but I could see through the cracks in his story and he came clean about it. We got over that bump and continued to fall more in love with each other. For Christmas he got me a promise ring, I picked out three rings and showed them to him from Pandora and said I would like a ring for Christmas. He said like an engagment ring and I said no that it could be a promise ring or just a ring. I was fine with that. When he gave it me, he wrote a letter and said it was a promise ring and he promised me the future. I was so thrilled and felt so much love for him.
In mid January, he went home for two months and I stayed on the ships. I would go out on my port days to message him, I would spend so much on Internet and phone calls just to keep in good contact with him. But I slipped up one night. I was friends with this one guy that showed interest in me but I just brushed it off and he knew I had my boy and I didn't think anything else. After a party one night, he followed me and one girl to our cabin and he came in. We were joking and told him to go but he wanted us to come back to his cabin to keep drinking. I said no but I would walk him to the elevators well it ended up being me in his cabin. We talked and joked and just had normal friend conversation. To me it was nothing big but I knew my boy wouldn't like it. Well one thing lead to another and this guy was trying to kiss me and sleep with me. I denied him and kept saying I could never do such a thing to my love. That I loved him so much and I never would do this. So I left the cabin and my love knew something wasn't right because I didn't message him. I had to come clean. I could never keep something like this from him. We patched things up and thought we moved on. I tried to keep my distance from this other guy but it was hard. The ship is only so big and he was in my group of friends. I never allowed things to get like that again but I did hang with him and my group of friends once. Never alone. So I thought we patched things together and soon he came back. We continued our little love story and even got a couples cabin together. Then soon I went home in June, which was devasting and I missed him so much and always thought of him. He tried even better this time to keep in such good contact with me. We got into some arguments like we did when he went home but we always made up and continued like nothing happened. I was planning a cruise to go see him but then we changed out minds and decided that I would come back for a third time to the same ship and he would extended. Everything got granted and we were both so happy. He surprised me as I came on the ship and helped me to my cabin, he even got me flowers that night. It was like we didn't skip a beat and continued our love story together. In just a week we got our cabin and moved in and settled in together. Everything was going just as well but we agreed a bit more than before. Over little stupid things and soon became to bigger things like his family. W always fixed everything and continued to love each other. But that changed about two weeks ago. Out from the blue he decided that he can't be with me again because of his family. He says that he doesn't love me and has hated me for a long time. He said he started to hate me and stopped loving me when he was on vacation in February. He even said he gave me the promise ring because he felt like I forced him too and that he had to because of his encounter of the men's club. He even said that he gave me a good birthday the week before only because he felt like he had too since I gave him a good birthday. My heart broke that night and I cried so much. We cried so much together and the way he cried was like I never seen before. He accused me of sleeping with this guy and said he doesn't believe that I didn't do anything with him. He brought up all my mistakes and made me seem so low. He said if we ever get married that I won't like india and I won't be happy. He said that he would never come to Canada and never leave his family. He said in February that will be the last time I will see him. He will never come back to the ships and if he does he won't come with me. He even said that I pushed him away, that all my doubts pushed him to feel like this. Those our bits and pieces from our fights from the past two weeks. Some moments we are so good and I see a glimpse of us again and feel the love again but then he brings up things. He even continued to say I love you to me or do kisses on the phone.
As of now, he doesn't say I love you to me. I asked him way and he said nothing. We always sign I love you to each other and today he only did love you. Or at least it looked like that. But yet he calls and wants to meet me and kisses me like before. We still sleep in the same bed and he still holds me and cuddles me. If I'm getting ready, he still comes behind me and kisses me as I brush my teeth, he still does things like we always did before. He even still makes comments like you are mine or I still want everything with you. So I am so so so confused.
Is there any advice or insight on what I should do? I know you can't say if he still loves me but what can I do.. Do I pull away from him or continue being me? What do I do?
Even the other night I told him that any girl that gets him, will be lucky and he started to cry and asked why I would say that and that he can't forget his family. He never said anything else but that he can't forget his family. Even today he began to tear up as I was being me and just being silly with him. I am just so lost. So so so lost.
Now i have noticed things that should have been seen before but I didn't think anything until now. For example, in bed he always only cared to get pleased and never would do sex. We stopped doing sex like before. Now I don't know if I should count that because most times he was off work would be late like 1:00am and we are both tried at that point. And he wasn't always selfish either. I also had a few other examples but it's so hard to think of them as a sign because of how hard we both work and the hours we do. And the fact that after a year together we were t always so lovey. We remained lovey but not like before. We had moments where we are just a couple. And to me that was fine. I mean, I look back at pictures from my birthday and love letters we left each other and nothing shows of no love or hate. He isn't a good liar or a good actor so I know he could never fake such a thing. Nothing showed me signs and I still don't believe that he has no love for me. I think his mind is so lost and he is trying to convince himself and his heart that he doesn't want me. He allowed says he regrets. It being able to marry me and that he never forget me.
I just need help and advice. I need some pick me up words and some good insight into this all. I just don't won't to convince myself that everything will work out for us or that deep down his love in there for me. I don't want to chase something that isn't there. But if there was hate and no love, he wouldn't still call me or share the same cabin or sleep in the same bed. The things he still does is like a boyfriend. My heart is so broken and my head is so lost. I try to tell him that I am fine because I don't want to show him how weak and destroyed I am.
This post was made for another site but I had no replies there. And I have posted before here and got good advice. Ii am just completely lost and have no clue what to do. One minute he is so lovey and happy to see me and the next he doesn't care. You can see it in his eyes the love that is there and everyone else still says it as well. What do I do???
"What do I do?"
Enjoy this, while it lasts. This is a shipboard romance.
He has already told you it's not for the long haul. He uses his family as a shield/excuse to prevent from committing to you, even telling you that you would not like India (his world.)
Now he even tells you the promise ring is meaningless, that he was forced into it. Yet, he pulls you toward him. No wonder you are confused.
You don't say how old you two are or what kind of "career" this kind of work leads to. Can you share that info?
For us this wasn't just a shipboard romance. We looked into ways to get him home with me and we looked up weddings. We planned a future together. We planned everything... It was far from just a shipboard romance..
I am 25 and he is 26. I am child care and he is a chef.. C
It *was* a shipboard romance...until it started to take better root. Only it got planted lop-sided, meaning it's an unhealthy relationship that needs a spell in intensive care. Read on...
He messed you around right from the off. He re-persuaded you that he wanted you when all he was doing at that point was acting on fleeting impulse and sexual attachment, as then showed from the serious drop in contact ('can't sh*g her' = sexual attachment dies). With your HEAD you tried to view the disappointing situation philosophically but unfortunately your ego had other plans: CHALLENGE! How to make a man who by all prior evidence *should* want you, want you again.
You shouldn't have done *any* chasing. A man is quite capable of chasing after a woman he wants (- why do you think we need anti-stalking laws?) and then wooing her until she feels (*genuinely*) stuck like superglue enough to last a lifetime. Any man who accepts your help to your extent or even genuinely NEEDS that series of leg-ups, frankly, is showing he isn't worth having (at that point in time). You should always give the man a good 98% of the floor so that through his performance you can see what he's made of - now and, via all indications, into the future. Perhaps if you'd GIVEN him that floor you'd have been better able to tell how half-a*sed his so-called desire really was at that early point.
"Sorry". During the chase and wooing phases, sorry is as sorry *fails to in the first place DO*.
"As he watched for two weeks that I wasn't giving my full attention to him and was getting other attention from other guys. He completely changed."
In other words, suddenly the easy woman became a more thrilling, interesting, inspiring CHALLENGE.
Conclusion: you give too much too soon without that attentiveness and committed-ness having been EARNED by the man. Men prize, guard and take good care of those things they've had to work really, really hard for (think expensive sports car). You want to rush through the chasing and wooing stages to the full-on steady togetherness.
Why?, is the question you need to ask yourself. (Gagging to have babies per chance?)
And why was he rushing or allowing you to rush? (Trying to create enough incentive to succeed with a planned rebellion campaign against his parents and the way of life they've mapped out for him in order to be capable of breaking free?)
BECAUSE you release your heart too fully too soon without him having earned it, due to wanting to skip the work phases - the minute he became re-interested, you did it all over AGAIN. Push you, pull me, push you, pull me... You're overreactive in BOTH directions: you fling yourself too closely into him and then when he becomes turned off from the lack of challenge and lack of you having a high pricetag (as again brings forth the old excuses) you fling yourself too far AWAY to where you represent a giant challenge again and, his interest again returning with him acting accordingly, you again re-fling yourself too closely....AAAAND REPEAT.
Why are you trying to get into a position of solidity/permanency in a relationship without properly doing the vital foundations-laying phases? Don't you realise that a house devoid of adequate foundations will crumble under the slightest first pressure (e.g. hard wind, slight earth vibrations, etc)? It wouldn't last anyway, therefore, meaning your rushing ironically is just slowing your quest to arrive at TogetherForeverVille right down. Majorly.
"my love knew something wasn't right because I didn't message him. I had to come clean."
No, you didn't, come off it. Nothing had happened so there was nothing TO tell, meaning you could have given boyfriend any number of plausible excuses for not having been available to message. (Here's one: "I had the squits and was stuck on the loo, mobile out of reach".) You let this other guy hang around for as long as you could for three reasons:  to re-charge your confidence as much as possible back to Full;  to level the power positions playing field (because he'd already sort-of cheated on you); and  in order to be able to first present the close call situation as adequately genuine to yourself in order that your boyfriend would then likewise believe it should be taken seriously AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT... show you how much he deeper down cared about the thought of losing you.
Re-inspiring him with jealousy worked for a while, didn't it....until: "yawn"/"yawn". And so the drama got deliberately injected by one or other of you AGAIN.
Basically, this is not a healthy love relationship. It's more an ego contest and a vehicle for the abovementioned deeper agendas. And that's because it lacks the solid love foundations of a love relationship.
Oh, you're very fond of each other by now and ditto fancying each other a lot (whenever you're not bored). But you two either aren't right for each other or aren't ripe and ready for genuine enough reasons, hence your hearts refuse to properly connect and keep trying to contrive extra love to augment the missing portion with, using high drama, including jealousy, insecurity, challenge, intrigue/confusion and all other emotions that can't actually pass for genuinely deep-rooted love.
Real love feels 95% consistently safe, secure, warm, cosy, joyous, awe-inspiring, self- and life-validating.. It needs no melodrama injections because the ever-growing love itself is awe-inspiring and exciting all on its own, needs no outside help. In the early stages, if it's not mainly fun and joyous, you're either doing it wrong (or are with the wrong person).
Because the rushed chase and wooing phases got done badly and patchily, this whole relationship is like a plant that's been bedded incorrectly (e.g. on its side). It won't take proper root and it certainly won't bloom, and not even enough extra feeding and watering will do the trick.
Again - see it now?
Solution: Long break. Six months with a mutually-agreed definite deadline. Let the existing warped relationship die - old habits of how you relate to and interact with one another included. Then meet back up on the agreed reunion date (feeling more like shy strangers again) and start all over again from scratch, THIS time doing it properly as Nature intended (he initiates the actions, you respond with the reactions). Then it'll have solid roots and bloom, meaning the rest of its growth and development will all happen naturally, practically without ANY conscious examination and intervention being necessary. But if one or either of you can't bring yourselves to go to that amount of effort of separation (which period, compared to the rest of your lifetimes is very short), then you have your answer regarding whether underneath the bad foundations issue neither are you intrinsically right for one another.