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A decade of regret

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Almost ten years ago i had a very intense and passionate relationship while in college. We were so in love, inseparable, rarely fought, adored eachother. We shared the same interests and we were both easygoing. We could talk for hours and even nicknamed our "world" (just us being together and so blissfully happy). We called it "bubbletopia oasis." About a year and a half into our relationship, i received a lot of pressure from my family (whom were my best friends and had never steered me wrong) to experience the college life or ill regret it forever. They said we spent too much time together and it wasnt healthy. Since i wholeheartedly trusted them, i took their advice and broke things off. I was only 20 at the time. I knew that i loved him deeply and had too much respect for him to "string him along" by hooking up with him and playing with his emotions. So completely broke things off and partied with my friends. I missed him so much but i thought i needed to experience the college lifestyle so i jumped in and out of casual relationships with guys. Years passed and i graduated and moved, talking to him only once in a while but never leading him on because i wasnt ready to settle down and i didnt want to toy with him. He was always so sweet and kind when we would have lunch occasionally or catch up via text or phone. I guess i figured if it was true love he would wait for me until i was ready to settle down. Turns out he got into a serious relationship about a year after we split (after going through major depression over our breakup and failing a semester of school). Anyway, once i moved about an hour away to another town, i confessed to him that i still loved him and he said he was so hurt that i left him and he wanted to try and make it work with his girlfriend. around the same time, a guy i was seeing pretty casually surprised me at my work and in front of EVERYONE proposed to me. Amongst the gasps and excitement i felt so embarrassed and said yes because i was so shocked and didnt want to embarrass him by saying no in front of so many people. When i got engaged i had a bit of an internal emotional meltdown and desperately wanted to get back together with my love, so i contacted him for a friendly lunch and we ended up having sex. We continued to meet up and hook up for months, all the while i was thinking he would say "leave your fiance and be with me" but he didnt. I ended up marrying my fiance because i was so tired of being rejected by my love (he would always say he wanted to make it work with his girlfriend all the while having sex with me). I was so depressed and my entire family knew i didnt want to be married to that guy because i cried constantly, refused to change my last name, and said i didnt want to do this. My family encouraged me to try and stick it out for at least a year to "save face". About three months into the marriage my love moved across the country back to his hometown and i havent seen him since. My marriage lasted 6 months and i left him, jumped into another relationship and got pregnant immediately. I would talk to my love every once in a while but when i got pregnant i told him i did not want to speak to him at all anymore because i was always depressed when we would talk and i needed to learn how to grow up and respect myself since i was becoming a mother. I "did the right thing", again with the encouragement of my family, by marrying my babys father. My love texted me randomly for 2 years but i never responded because i knew he was only toying with my emotions. Now i am pregnant with my second child and for some reason i finally responded to my loves text. Maybe its because my husband has severe anger issues and im sick of being verbally abused. Maybe its because i know i would never even want to associate with my husband if we didnt have children together. Maybe its because i finally realize my family pressures me to do things that are not always in my best interest. But when i responded to his texts i told him i was happy in a relationship and had a child and another on the way and i wanted to be nothing more than friends. We talked fir a while and he confessed his relationship (with the same girl, now for 6 years they have been together) was failing. I stopped responding after that but my mind shut down and i was right back to where i started--desperately prying we would end up together someway somehow. After about a week of not talking, i told him what he said bothered me because it still stings how much i miss him and i wanted to know how he got over me so i could do the same. He confessed he was still in love with me and he had been all this time but we had both gone down different paths and were too far gone. I told him i would leave my relationship if he just said the word because i desperately need closure. I want to know if it will work or if ive been building him up in my head for all these years. We havent talked since. Now im left wondering--should i stay with my babys father even though i know it wont last because i despise him, he is horrible to me. But i dont want my babies to grow up in a broken home and i dont want 2 divorces under my belt by the age of 27. Or should i finally go for it and get back together with the love of my life. Im so confused. Please help.

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