Separated and confused
My husband and I separated 10 months ago after 9 years of marriage. My husband started chatting with other women online and it turned into sexting. We had been having problems for a LONG time and had tried marriage counseling and he was talking to other women through it all. After we separated I started seeing someone. Now he wants to get back together and work things out but thinks because I started seeing someone in person and not just online that I did something worse so he shouldn't be held accountable. Last time he came to visit (we live in different states) he went through my purse, looked over my shoulder if I got a text and questioned everything I dog. I can't live like that. We don't trust each other and while I love him, he is the father of my children and we were together a long time, I'm not in love with him. Can those feelings come back?I just want us both to be happy and raise our children right.
Of course people can "get back" with each other, but it doesn't sound like either of you really want that.
You say you "can't live like that" - well, "that" is what you will get.
You may have a "love" for him, but it's not the kind to make a marriage survive.
If it was his BEHAVIOUR (including way of living, future goals, etc.) that pushed you apart then, no, you can't, meaning his cheating (which is what it was, irrespective of specific format, and which joint taboo HE broke) was less him killing the relationship than pointing to the corpse alraedy on the floor.
He was cheating whilst you were married. Hence 'cheating'. You, however, were separated when you started seeing someone. And from what I've gathered, this separation smacked more of actual breakage. You, therefore, did not cheat. You simply chose to act like any single and available woman, especially one who'd already been deprived of that vital existential facet. And the REASON it smacked of the end was because whilst you were there thinking you two were embarking on a fixing campaign, he was in the corner doing NO SUCH THING! Quite the opposite: 100-FOLD EXACERBATION! (What is he - THICK?!)
'Cheated on him' my arse! One Rule For Him, Another For Everyone Else (Especially You).
Therefore, it's perfectly okay if HE does something, yet the minute you turn around and do something that HE can try to colour as being on a par - it's suddenly not only 'not on', but upsets his big, fat ego.
Dog In Manger Syndrome. He doesn't want you, but neither does he want anyone else to have you and especially not you to want anyone else. Because he's 'der man'. And as such, he's better than OTHER men. This means he'd wish to see the other man off by competing and beating THROUGH YOU (because the other man is too removed from him).
This guy has a major attitude problem (whether forever, only now surfacing, or that developed later on somehow). Mid Life Crisis, possibly. Or his outer onion layers, which your marriage and/or life eventually peeled away, hid a deeper rottenness.
Your emotions just haven't had a chance to have caught up with the reality programme yet (they're always slow at that). They will. So Susie is right - you don't want him. You just (still) think you do.
For the sake of the kids, is it? Scared of change? Or because you thought this ego reaction of his was genuine return of desire on his part? Or a bit of all three (or/and something else on top)?
What happened to this new guy you were seeing?