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Destroyed lives, destroyed family, thanks chevy

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Relationship advice A bit of background- I'm married and a mother of 3. My husband is my best friend and I have known him since I was 4. I was a stay at home mom. Our family has always been very close and rarely argue. I have suffered with depression for as long as I can remember but I try to keep it in check as much as possible. I also have a few ongoing health problems, but such is life. My husband lost his job about a year ago. His severance was enough to keep us going for a couple of years but he found another job and we are using the money renovating our house. Now, my health has since worsened. Being in constant pain, not being able to find a decent doctor, and finding out that there is a good chance that I won't make it another year had me making the decision to commit suicide. I know it's selfish but I was too beat down to go on. I did a lot of research and settled on a method that I was sure would do the job so that I would not end up a burden on my family. I wrote letters to each of my family members and was trying to put my affairs in order as they say. Then something happened. My 19 year old daughter found out she was pregnant! I have been overjoyed and even took it as a sign from God to keep fighting and everything will be alright. My daughters boyfriend started pushing for an abortion so that he wouldn't have to tell his mom. No I'm not joking. He said that his mom is an alcoholic and crazy and he was scared of her. I reassured him everything would work out and a baby is wonderful and our family is being as supportive as possible. We changed the house plans to give our daughter the biggest bedroom and convert our dining room into a nursery. A few days ago we bought a beautiful new bed to surprise her and we have been shopping for baby like crazy, ecstatic about our first grandchild, and gushing over ultrasound pictures. Yesterday morning, the boyfriend and his mom showed up at our house. They, along with my daughter, started talking about how our home was an unfit environment for a baby, that I frequently beat my daughter, that her last boyfriend raped her, that my husband couldn't support our family, along with how they have never said anything about his mom being an alcoholic or being scared of her or even ever mentioning abortion. My daughter packed a bag to go live with them and as I cried and begged for her to talk to me, the boyfriends mother turned and laughed. My heart is broken, my life is shattered and our whole family is devastated. We did nothing to bring this on and this girl, our own daughter, is someone I don't know. I took her phone before she left and the lies and filth that they both let loose over text messages is appalling. I don't have a clue why this has happened. Nobody that knows us understands it. I don't know how to handle it. I'm so beyond crushed that I haven't been home yet because I can't bear to be there without her. My sons and husband are hurting too but they are trying to be supportive of me. This will probably be my last Christmas, but I was still hoping for miracle cure. Now the grandchild that I have been dreaming about is going to be raised away from us. Before its suggested, not at all was I trying to take over. The baby is my daughters child first and I only wanted to be part of the support system. I also have never hit her. We changed all of the renovation plans to make her and our sons happy. There was no warning. This all just happened. I don't understand why? How could she be a totally different person than the girl we raised and loved? How could someone lie that way and why did her boyfriend and his mom get so much pleasure from our misery? I haven't stopped crying since it happened. I don't know what to do. It's hopeless. We have lost our daughter and grandchild and I don't have any fight left in me. None. I hate that I'm going to leave my boys and my husband but what can I do? I can't stand the pain, physical and emotional. I'm completely defeated. Why has this happened? Why did God fill me with such hope only to take it away? Most importantly, how could our daughter do such a horrible thing? Where did I go wrong or how did I go so wrong that she could hurt the people who love her most? Why the lies? Where do I go from here? Is there hope at all? I don't know if I could even look at her the same if she ever did come back. Although, chances are it will be too late anyway. How can she not even care? Does anyone have any advice for me? Should I even bother trying to get up tomorrow?? My heart is so broken I can't imagine it ever being ok again. We are good people damn it!!

Destroyed lives, destroyed family, thanks chevy

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1. "We are good people damn it!!"

I can SEE that, damn it(!!!!), LOL. But first off, please put the bleedin' obvious 2 and 2 together:

Here you are, devastated and desperate to the point of considering copping out (suicide) in order to avoid having to feel the agony of abandonment and betrayal yet failing to project that state onto how your two boys and husband will end up if you should go ahead with your plan to, to all intents and purposes, abandon *them*.

Is this one rule for you and another for them? Good people don't hypocricize themselves. Instead they remember to treat others as they'd wish to be treated - or in this case, NOT treat others as THEY'D not wish to be treated.

You can't avoid pain and nor can you run from it. Pain is a warning that something's wrong and needs fixing, and a lesson and motivator both, not to mention a punishment that, once completed, attracts reward for having endured it and having used it to make changes and improvements to themselves and their future choices. So what is this pain meant to motivate you to realise and learn? And what will be your eventual reward for having diligently done your 'time'? That's what you're being pushed into investigating.

2. From reading all of your clues, I suspect this behind scenes scenario:

Boyfriend and your daughter have something major in common: with both their mothers having been for too long otherwise distracted thus parentally out of action due to being caught up in their own problems and pain, both she and he got somewhat maternally neglected...certainly enough to have got used to relying on their own notions and devices - self-parenting - which lack of supervision and guidance can breed self-centredness and selfishness (from where mercinariness lays within closer reach than for the average).

As a result, son now can't be told a thing. Boys push and test *far* more than girls. He's for ages frustrated the hell out of his already emotionally beaten-down mum. Hence mum either refuses to react in the first place or, when suitably pushed or the situation forces it, goes 'crazy'.

You've just seen what she's like at that point, haven't you. There's no fairness and no reasoning with her.

FYI, alcohol/drug abuse is just another, slower form of suicide.

Mum was herself abused, but she never faced and came to terms with it... hence having nowadays resorted to climbing into a bottle in order to zap the niggling memories and/or at least numb the pain and unspent rage. She could probably rise up fleetingly enough to her foot down in a normal teen pregnancy situation, sure. Bound to, in fact - precisely because, with a mind always engaged, she doesn't NEED any more problems and difficulties in her life. But NOT if life had seemingly plonked a version of her very younger self at her feet, begging for intervention and rescue to an allegedly even *greater* extent than she herself back at that age! That would explain why the woman sneered at you: because, so goes the story, you're evil like her past perpetrator hence deserve zero consideration (in terms of examining the so-called facts), sympathy and understanding. In fact, since the original perpetrator is no longer in the picture, you'll do nicely as whipping boy.

(Feeling the click yet?)

Whether anyone's fault or not, all a kid knows is it's not HIS/HERS that their mum and/or dad didn't pay them enough attention. It breeds resentment. Yet at the same time, one can't level resentment at someone who's already in a bad way, can they (why, that would make them a monster!). So it gets bottled up until something, some dire situation, makes that cork go POP! Hence son feels justified in (- with your daughter's help -) manipulating and seemingly pulling the wool over his mum's eyes, whilst your daughter feels likewise regarding being grossly disloyal and turning her back on you just when you needed her/something from her most.

(Seeing it?)

Revenge. Ego equalizing. A dose of your own or similar medicine, the pair of you mothers. Call it what you will.

It's worked, hasn't it... because here you are acting like she's your only child when in fact you have two OTHER kids AND a husband, making THREE other people whose happiness hinges very heavily on your continued presence and influence on their lives.

Oh, yes, she's got your fullest attention *now*, hasn't she! Same goes for him... because his own mother at least has to expend better effort of care and attention on a PART of him (his baby) if not him directly into the bargain. Oh, they'll have her run ragged playing free-of-charge nanny 24/7, including being woken and seeing to the baby night after night and night... - you wait! Because being granny-come-substitute mother might sound attractive in theory, but... PFF!.. the reality is usually very different, especially when you're trapped by your own machinating hand in having to stay in that non-stop unpaid lackey position.

Hey! That was nearly you, wasn't it? Hmm... How come *his* mum got the brunt of the punishment? Food for thought and a blessing to be counted?

Maybe it's because you haven't added to your original 'crime' with complicit-ness in the form of stupidly buying into the outright lies and delusions- nay - downright phantasm - of two KIDS....kids with their own reasons, albeit compatible, for such selfish machinating? Maybe because getting you to step up and do your motherly duty to the max. *didn't* require you having to be coerced to the degree that his own mum did?

Put it this way: All you wanted was a chance to get to do motherhood over, this time giving your fullest attention, which in part is a form of facing up to/dealing with your past laxities. Whereas, possibly (certainly by all indication) what the other mum conversely wanted was another form of drug through which to issue-AVOID. If that weren't enough of a crime - she damn well KNEW that whole abuse story was BS and yet she wantonly pretended to believe it and act on it for no good reason other than it suited her!

Without even realising it, you've been let somewhat off the hook, BROKENCLOVER. Hopefully, now you do. Other mum, however, has put herself even more firmly *on* the hook.

As for daughter? What goes around, comes around.

Little Bo Peep
Has lost her sheep
And doesn't know where to find them.
Leave them alone
And they'll come home
Wagging their tails behind them.

She'll be back. Ohhh, you betcha! So *don't* be so stupid as to risk putting yourself back however many squares by failing to appreciate this subtle show of recognition of God's/Fate's over having proven yourself capable of pulling yourself up by the boot laces given some (in your eyes) strong enough motivation to. Use your PERIPHERAL vision (or third eye) and recognise that you have three other motivators stood right in front of your nose! Three people whom *likewise* would have experienced neglect and accordingly still need recompense.

So practise. And prepare. Practise and prepare on your other family members, i.e. get those slack 'muscles' back into shape ready for when that silly little lost sheep inevitably, *sheepishly* returns (with her tail between her legs). Because, trust me - after trying to live day-in-day out, week after week, with a long-term, highly manipulative alcoholic - ON her territory - in tandem with her one minute over-rebellious and the next, pathetically ineffectual son, she'll bloody NEED a fully working mother! Oh, yeah. THEN she'll know what actual abuse and actual need of rescue are all about! ;-) Greater insight here she comes!

Some things are worth waiting and running the gauntlet for.


Destroyed lives, destroyed family, thanks chevy

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PS: Forgot to mention: Along with this equalizing, daughter is (as we see) overly desperate to keep the baby *and* not end up partner-less if she does. Hence she agreed to cook up this silly story and hence wasn't about to back down and confess despite your obvious shock, tears and pleading.

I'll bet she's feeling like a complete SH*THEAD since that sorry episode, though. I doubt she can last the guilt for very long.

This thread has expired - why not start your own?

B-4