Regret not taking her out
Here's my issue. At 23 I've never really been that fused about having a relationship, nor just sleeping around, i'm pretty independent as a person. I've liked very few girls in the past that i would consider dating. Here's my problem just over a year ago at a friends birthday night i helped one of her friends get home, after she drank to much ha, i'd previously had a bit of a thing for her but didn't really know her. Anyway after this night we got chatting, over facebook then text, i asked her out but never took her, then asked her again but broke my foot and basically got on a massive downer, being extremely active, exercise is a massive part of my life. Didn't take her again. After a month or so started chatting again but i think she had lost interest, i thought i'd moved on from liking her but upon finding out she was in a relationship around February, my stomach turned? Confusing the hell out of me. Since then i've felt huge regret and i keep thinking about her all the time, especially when she pops up on my facebook feed, and even more so when the boyfriend is the focus. I keep feeling like it could've should have been me. I thought i'd moved on but having accepted a place at the only uni that would take me, she just so happens to be there too, if i'd of felt like i still liked her i wouldn't be a student there now, but the feeling come and go all the time. I don't really understand or know what to do ha??
Don't pass this opportunity up to just start out as a FRIEND on the same campus. See what happens then . . .
Yh i know i won't. I don't think i want to be just friends though. Thing is aswell she was waiting for ages to find a guy, aparentley, and that could've been me. But as i said i think i've lost my oportunity, she seems happy going on holidays all the time and stuff. My friend kind of fell out with her whilst i wanted to go out with her so didn't really know what to do, picked my friend, over potentially a realationship, they still don't talk and i feel like i made the wrong choice, as i don't really speak to her much anymore.
I don't really see her at uni at all either only like teice since starting in september, and that was only walking past her in the street.
Your higher than average level of self-discipline, morals and gentlemanliness shines through your whole posts, LMG. Don't mean to make you blush, but, you, lad, are a diamond!
Your 'problem' is very simple and actually a plus point: You're innately very fussy.
Trouble is, the more base and primitive part of your mind is readier than Conscious, Spiritual You to either start practising romantic relationships in training for 'the one' or, possibly, further than that - i.e. has for years (unbeknownst to you) been growing more and more starved of this primary need fulfilment, meaning it's already far more gagging to settle down then produce babies asap than you'd logically think. That's the way things go sometimes: we remain unaware whilst its tummy merely rumbles, meaning not until it reaches desperation and starts actually kicking up a stink for food do we suddenly enter the realm of sensitivity and susceptibility to the urge, meaning you can find yourself mutineered by it seemingly right out of the Blue.
However, because you've obviously been concentrating on your career and social life and whatever else aspects, you have no choice of candidates, just this one. This current woman ticks a good number of the boxes (let's say 60 out of 100), but not quite enough for your innate conceptions.
Enter a battle between two sides of you: one wants 'good enough/she'll do' (because it wants things to get firmly in motion "now-now-now!"
whereas the other is still stubbornly insisting on being patient and holding out for your pre-conceived ideal (she who ticks 90+% of the boxes).
Your behavioural motions with this woman are a direct reflection of this inner 'two-mindedness': shall I/shan't I, yes/no/yes/no, nearly did, look, but then 'somehow strangely' didn't.
See it? Your inner spiritual being's deepestmost instinct disagrees vehemently with your primitive animal's own wanton appetite-based ideas. The good news is, your spiritual side has so far been winning that battle. HOWEVER, now you're ego's stuck its oar in. It doesn't LIKE what it thought was a door seeming to have become closed and in line for locked. So it's ganged up with your inner animal (two against one), hence you finding yourself all over again part-drawn towards the temptation.
Here's the thing (and I am that soldier): finding the woman (my case, man) of your (realistic) dreams, or only allowing yourself to date someone from that roughly similar echelon of hers, is like needing to find a set of doorkeys that you sense as well as believe for a fact is located within your house somewhere. If you never give up looking - methodically and thoroughly from room to room, never letting go of that conviction - find them you will, *guaranteed*. It's a sure thing, with the only questionable factor being, HOW LONG it'll take.
Most look for what they deem a decent number of hours or days but then decide (kid themselves) the keys *can't* really be in the house after all, that it's just a myth/disinformation, and give up, going on to getting a set of keys specially cut for the door concerned. This is them settling. Because usually those manufactured keys don't ever fit the locks quite as well as the original set and take too much jiggling to get around the fact they always grate and stick annoyingly.
If you're that 'incredibly' fussy then you were wired that way FOR A REASON (you just don't/can't know what it is yet). Don't give up holding out for THE best of one of the ripe and ready soulmates out of that total pool because, like those keys, she *is* somewhere out there just waiting to be found or find you. But in the meantime, shut that inner animal up by duping it into thinking you're finally getting on with getting it on, doing its spoilt child bidding. And just rise above its equally impatient, selfish mate (your ego).
I'm talking one-night stands and brief flings. As long as you're  completely up-front honest with any brief partners regarding your (lacmkk of) intentions and , equally importantly, simultaneously can believe THEM when they try to convince you ("oh, absolutely, me neither, not a problem!"
that nor are they looking for an actual relationship when, secretly, they're stood there arrogantly believing that all that will magically tip you into desiring a future or longer term with them is getting to sample being and having sex with Wonderful Them), and  as long as you're as sure as you can be that none of them are married or seeing someone else, then - there's nothing wrong WHATSOEVER with sating this urge in this way to get it back under control, and nor will you gain any bad karma for it (as could otherwise come back to bite you on the bum - e.g., god forbid, by deliberately ruining your first, all-important soulmateship).
In other words, feed the animal and ignore its sidekick to make them want to go back to sleepybyes *without* in the process tarnishing your spiritual being's clean record as will piss off its leader. The cleaner you strive constantly to act, the faster you'll meet (be rewarded with) that A1 perfect-for-you yet realistic ideal that other people might themselves have become convinced and tried to convince you just doesn't exist.
(Oh yes it bloody does!!)
Start with putting yourself out and about more so as not to have time to keep spotting her on FB in the first place and then, I repeat, do whatever it takes within moral parameters and boundaries not to interfere with that wonderful destiny, and even fast-track the honourable way that delivery schedule, and I personally guarantee you won't ever, not even for one second, regret it.
"I don't think i want to be just friends though."
I'm having a hard time following your plan of action - or is there one?
You seem stuck in neutral and in the meantime, this gal is there, moving thru life, and probably totally unaware of how you feel. And you don't even want to approach her to start out as a casual friend! Do you not realize that you MUST start THERE?
Call her up and mention you saw her on campus and wondered if she'd like to go for lunch. Don't spend time on the past; let her know what you are doing on campus. Find out more about her. You really don't know her.
If she refuses your initial invitation, then you will at least know where you are. But you must make a move
Thanks "Soulmate" ha
You are right I am fussy! I was doing an online degree at the time and felt that I didn't have time for her, and in breaking my foot felt like I couldn't really do allot, dating wise, the regret that keeps circling round is coming from not trying, I would've been ok if it just didn't work out, this is my third attempt at getting my degree for example, as I was massively ill a few years ago. which caused me to have massive depression and anxiety issues.
there are more reasons why I made my mistake. her friend, who I met at the same time as her, and me got along really well, and my friends knew I had a brief thing for her, but I knew she had a boyfriend so nothing was ever going to happen. this fact was thrown at me a fair bit when I was meant to take this girl out. so I felt massive pressure, as I also got told that she was "perfect" for me as she was a virgin (something I didn't care about), to be honest, I don't get allot of female attention, so this made me feel like I had to go out with her. I realised when it was too late that I basically bit my nose off to spite my face.
susiedqqq, you are also right I am stuck in neutral, but I don't feel like I would get anywhere in trying to get into a relationship with her, as she seems happy with the guy she's with, going on holidays all the time and stuff. I don't want to be friends with her if I still have feelings for her which I apparently do.
and this sounds ridiculous I know, but even If I do end up with her, I'll always feel like I've missed out on so much time with her and first experiences that we could've had together, but she's done with someone else.
Yes, but it sounded like the regret belonged not to your intellectual and spiritual side but, as I said, your Id and Ego. Understand: As we grow and develop mentally from baby (all Id) to toddler (Id and Ego), and pre adolescent and young adult (Super-Ego & Ego as referee of the trio) and develop these greater psychological awarenesses and operational skills, although we learn to TRANSCEND those more base, wanton senses of self in relation to the world / behavioural mechanisms, we do not 'unplug' them. They're still active and remain exerting influence on our psyches. And that's because some aspects of them are still vital to our being a rounded human being rather than some puritanical martyr.
Obviously your more sensible side correctly senses that you personally wouldn't fare too well in trying to divide your time and attention between your important studies and a relationship in which you were to whatever critical degree in-love, meaning it would be more prudent to concentrate on your future ABILITY to 'bear' a relationship (including financially). So it's not JUST fussiness. Were it just fussiness you'd have years back been doing the usual dating around and THEN 'become' suddenly fussy in response to your practical-life demands.
No, you're definitely fussy *and* definitely taking what you deep down know is the more logical route for one such as yourself.
Of COURSE you don't get a lot of female attention. Why would you when the invisible Green light above your head (as signifies availability and willingness to get into a relationship) is currently switched to Red. This is vibes I'm talking about. Your vibes say, Not interested enough, got other more important things to get on with and hold out for.
So, au contraire, I don't believe you DID bite off your nose. I believe you did your 'inner wisdom's' bidding like you were supposed to. I think you're more in touch with it than the average person...have a hot-line to it, if you like (but where the line quality is too fuzzy for conscious reception, meaning all you gain is a SENSE of what's being conveyed to you, one that can't easily be articulated in words).
It told you, Wait (and for a good reason). You did wait and continue to do so. That is not something to feel remiss about. In fact, I bet you any money you like that once you're *done* waiting because you've finally got your qualifications and whatever else is on your To Do schedule, you'll - BAM! - "suddenly" meet Ms Right from seemingly right out of said Blue. And also, since Like Attracts Like, I'm betting she'll be almost a carbon-copy of yourself, including having put relationships farther back on the list than she supposedly could have.
I'm trying to tell you that I spot a Like. I am that soldier. And as that famous Chinese proverb says: To know the road ahead, ask only those who are coming back.
So - no regrets. One day in the not so distant future you and your Ms Right will be raising a glass to that guy who 'got in there' with this woman and so-called scuppered you (and - her being your Like - raising it additionally in honour of whomever supposedly got in Ms Right's way).
Maybe if you take a few days to really mull over what I've said, that regret will change to acceptance and relief.
I think you're right again. I always feel like where I seem to put my priorities with having a relationship being left out I seem to resent my work and not enjoy it. feel like i've missed out, seen people pursue both and manage it on top of other things whilst i just bottle opportunities. Pretty much everyone that knows me asks me about my personal life, as people do ha, but then my answer, given my past experience or lack of in that department, seems to call up a load of confusion and more questions. people don't seem to understand, i kinda do but, get frustrated/embarrassed about it ha.
with just waiting till the right moment, i wont finish uni till 26, my situation and the way i think is just going to get worse.
(So sorry for the huge delay - busy-busy-Xmas-tizzy!!)
You're not missing out, you're limbering up. That be-all-end-all relationship is going to take hard, hard work for those hard, hard perks (i.e. high maintenance in an highly POSITIVE way). You won't have TIME to cultivate your career, etc. So they'll have to be in place and ticking along merrily without your constant, ever-increasing input. Just enough to pose as sufficient maintenance until such time as the relationship is fairly ticking along.
Yeah, 'seen other people do it'. But they're not limpets, are they. Stick THEM to a rock and detaching and switching to another consists of just a quick 'SLLLLUP!'. They end up with relationships that are 'mmm, quite nice'. I'm talking 'oh my god, there *is* a god!' love affair of the century with deep, deep root systems to match where NOTHING, not even a TIDAL WAVE can loosen your grip.
Answer those questions with this: "I'm saving my energy for The Big One".
"with just waiting till the right moment, i wont finish uni till 26, my situation and the way i think is just going to get worse."
Not if you sh*g it out of your system, it won't. And, three years is nothing. Think back to 3 years ago. It wasn't a long time at all, was it. In fact, it probably wasn't long ENOUGH.
I kmow what you're saying , and i know i sound like a broken record ha just having a relasionship is something i've wanted for ages, and like you said i'm fussy but i'mbe never even tryed to have a relationship even when i had the time. My last 3 years havent really flown by to be honest as i was pretty ill, in and put of hospital for 2 years. That got in the way of quite allot of things so my impatiance is partly due to that .
Like i said initially i'm not really too fused about shagging about, i wanna be but i'm just not ha. Even if i am at uni ha. Always thought having a relasionship with someone is just better it's just not happened yet.
Well, if you've never grasped any free opportunity to start a relationship then either you see no point in trying with anything Less Than whilst you're still in the process of ripening OR something(s) in your past were putting you off the idea until you felt strong and unladen enough to bear "the inevitable" break-up. ?
Okay, so it's not achey round-objects, it's definitely a more meaningful mental pressure. Your only option, then, is to try your hand at major plate-spinning and see how you do, right? Maybe you'd be better at multi-tasking than you think?
Why don't you try a 3 month subscription on a dating website? (I recommend ones that make you pay because, after all - how much can any man or woman claim to want to find a true love if the thought of handing over a piddly bit of cash is enough to put them off?) That way, you can keep control over whatever level of distance thus pace you feel comfortable at, until such time (or person entering) when you become in one mind rather than two about it all?
Sorry but I lost the link to this thread a while ago, only just found it again. Wasn't ignoring the feedback.
There are some things from my past that may of put me off other relationships, but I didn't really think about them with this particular girl (not to my knowledge anyway).
The fact that my friend, the way I met the girl in the first place, fell out with her like I said before and basically put me off was as i said part of the reason. Now however it seems they back absolutely fine again, so I feel like this entire time (over a year) of regretting not trying has been for no reason. I haven't spoken to the friend in a while but don't know if I really want to any more.
I don't really know about dating sites if i'm honest don't really know much about them if i'm honest. and i don't have any money at the moment to pay for one, being a student and all, i'm pretty broke.
(LOL, "I won't be ig-NOORED, Dan!" (name the film!))
Well, that just means you're momentarily trapped in a league lower or off to the side of where you ideally should be. So there's the incentive to keep working towards your true echelon, right? Meantime, if you do go onto your free sites, just be HONEST about the fact you're a student without much spondoolichs to chuck about. Some women in actual fact don't WANT a fast-lane merchant, find it a put-off. They might be penniless students themselves or even perhaps the opposite, meaning, they don't even need a man to foot the bill every time and just want a good HEART, one that CAN'T rely on his money to do the impressing and wooing. Money should be a side bonus (if it's even there), not the main deal. A genuine, sincere and down-to-earth woman won't let that put her off.
Just be honest. For every type, including situational, there is a counterpart. As long as no-one's getting led up the garden path, where's the harm.
Dating sites are easy. You get a lot of both subjective and objective dross in with the diamonds, granted, but that's just life for ya so don't let that put you off yet neither expect to find someone in record time, either. You just create a profile (you're instructed how, every step of the way) and then start making advances to any women you like the look and sound of by sending winks or little email messages or putting that person's profile into your Favourites gallery. If you don't take it too seriously and see it moreover as just an introductions facility rather than a girlfriend-handed-on-a-plate service, you should enjoy the seeking process of having a flirt and a giggle with likemindeds. And then if Ms Right walks in - she who likewise is brassic but working on making something of herself - then all well and good. If not, if all you find is someone situationally matching or compatible, likewise wanting nothing more than a practise relationship - equally all well and good. It's not a losing situation.
If, on the other hand, you DON'T enjoy it, at least you can say you tried, in which case you can KNOW FOR A FACT you're not the type that's capable of dating unless the reason behind it is the biggie. Right?
I've got no idea what film that's from haha
What do you mean by "trapped in a league lower or of the side of where you should be"?
I've had a look at dating websites but i'm not a huge fan of them ha. I've been trying to focus on my studies and have been doing really well, but I keep losing my focus and circling back to this situation. As it's been about a year ago that I found out she was gone, and dating someone, who she is still with, and today is her 21st ha. I haven't met anyone at Uni as the one i'm at isn't a big one and I don't have any money to have any kind of social life ha. I know I can't rely on my money but I have less than non, food has pretty much become a luxury haha.
Back from when I was ill a few years ago, I feel like I've lost a few years of my life, as it stopped me doing allot, potential relationship included. so I feel like i'm somewhat playing catch up and still trying to reach my "true echelon" like you said (I had to look up what that meant haha). Think I have some kind of anxiety problem as whenever something negative happens, everything that has been negative spins round in my head, especially things like this.
Appreciate the help
Hello stranger! So you finally found where you'd last left your keyboard? LOL In the sock drawer, was it?
The film is, Fatal Attraction.
Trapped (temporarily) by a lack of financial and social status whilst en route to bigger and better things.
What about Speed-Dating? Apparently, it's such a riot that even those who have no need to cruise for a relationship try it, even married couples together. The fact you have to create a verbal self-advert in (allowing for two-way conversation) HALF the allotted 3 min slot is what makes for the most fun as well as instantly breaks the ice. BASICALLY, underneath the immaterial surface detail, that 3 minute window is just enough time to "sniff" each other (chemistry). One person compared it as romantic musical chairs. Obviously you'd have to save up for a session but - proof of the pudding and all that (actions!)?
Failing that... Parks, beaches (*borrow a dog), supermarkets on 'singles night' (Friday), buses, trains, libraries, sports centres, ice-rinks.... the list is endless. All you really have to do if you clock someone who takes your fancy is let her catch you looking and then smile and fleetingly raise your eyebrows (message received and understood)...and then after 3 "elephants" (seconds), repeat. Feel free to subtly stick your tongue out at her the third time. And then, corny it may be, go over and ask her if she's got the time (oy-oy!). If she fancies you back, she won't GIVE a damn that it's a transparently contrived and cheesy move because she'll be too busy being grateful that you made "a" move to begin with.
Walking a dog is guaranteed to get people approaching you. That, is a little known secret about one of the reasons WHY most people buy themselves a dog. It's the next best thing to pushing a pram. Er, with a baby in it, I mean. (Ignore me, it's late and I'm delirious with exhaustion.)
Again, until you have more potential eggs in your basket you'll continue to keep hankering after this one and only cooked one.
Maybe you were MEANT to lose a couple of years and get slowed down? Try to think more philosophically and fatalistically, i.e. put that idle over-thinking to productive, iQ-expanding use so that it has something to chew on other than you your very self; there is FAR more to this life than we give it credit for, FAR more going on around and above our main, day-to-day senses.
Appreciate the appreciation.
PS: Not an English student, then. LOL (you can't hit me from there. ;-p)
New Word For Today: Antidisestablishmentarianism. (LOL..Google is your best friend.) (If you say it after 10 pints (home-brewed, obviously), it sounds like this: "anchi...er...anchidish...ah, f**kjjit".)
Yeah I've never seen that film didn't have a clue haha.
yeah I've gone form having a full time job, though pretty rubbish, it was a full time income, seems like going back to uni again has been a little bit of a step back. though hopefully it'll work out in the end.
I might look into it over summer actually. I got a dog at home already, well 2 actually so i'll have to start taking him out more ha. the other ones a little antisocial ha. Though 2 of my friends back home have just come out of relationships so I have got a lot more opportunities to go out without being kinda one of the extra guys. I don't really have any female friends so the opportunity of meeting anyone outside of who my friends work with are fairly slim.
I try to think fatalistically, but I've always believed that i'm in charge of my own fate. that when you are presented with options it's your own choice as to what to do with them.
P.S. I'm definitely not a English student, in fact economics and finance is what i'm studying, which sort of lends itself to my overly fussy and analytical nature I suppose ha.
Well, all of those plans sound very positive, very 'onwards and upwards'.
"I've always believed that i'm in charge of my own fate"
Yeah, you and the REST of western-world males! But at least you're opening your mind now rather than as late as when you hit middle age (mid life crisis, anyone?), so that makes you more *naturally* manly (as in, how Nature intends) than the majority. See?...It's *not* just about money and social status (despite der treasury would like you to believe it was). You can impress a woman in myriad ways...just depends on the type of woman you carefully hook up with and the type of 'brainwashing' *she's* had/not had. Simples!
In fact, speaking on the basis of my life-long, very close monitoring of Fate and how it ticks, life is a marriage between the internal universe (your psyche) and the physical universe, with Conscious You its interface, meaning Conscious You has a relationship with your accessible environment, itself meaning that any choice and results of such is, like all relationships, a case of 50/50 or thereabouts (whatever suits the circumstances and capabilities at the time). Your wife - Fate - wants to see you do your bit. If your utmost genuinely isn't enough, 'she'll join in'. If you really can't take any action, 'she' will instead. It's when you try arrogantly to do too much or helplessly do too little and fail to take heed of the copious but subtle cues, like she either doesn't even exist or everything relies on her alone due to nothing but laziness on your part, that she kicks up a stink (bad outcome/consequence). If, however, you always try to do only what's in your power and no more and you STILL don't see your hopes/aims achieved, that is 'her' telling you that to pursue that avenue would be a bad thing (she blocks you, in other words). So take the hints that are everywhere if only one looks. Try the dog-walking and anything else, and if it STILL doesn't yield a girlfriend, take the hint that there's a good reason why you're supposed to remain single for a bit longer. That's how it works.
"in fact economics and finance is what i'm studying, which sort of lends itself to my overly fussy and analytical nature I suppose ha"
Oh, yeah? Well, what's *my* excuse, then?
Nay. You lend your analytical nature to economics and finance. Diff/all the diff.
So when are you planning to take the dogs out, then? And, since one is 'antisocial' anyway, can I suggest you do TWO SEPARATE walks per day so that you've only ever got ONE dog on you? That will then speed your chances up a whole 100%.
Think i'll always regret it, wonder what might of happened. we both liked each other and seemed to really get along, I know that, but nothing ever happened (my fault I know)just she seemed to move on allot quicker than I did. I think I did make a mistake but just got to live with it ha. maybe get another chance, but move on till that opportunity arises.
I'll take the dogs out today actually back home for easter at the minute.
Now knowing Fate has a better model in mind once you're your own better model, that regret is a useful thing because it's hankering/motivation by another name. There's nothing like a sample to get your attention, in other words. So there's your first hint of many (conclusion: not long now so get your appetite ready). Put more simply, that woman was but an aperitif.
Seriously, take one dog at a time. Two is a bit intimidating because it lends you an air of being 'a crowd'.
As a (rampant) teenager, I used to take my rabbit out on a lead. You think I'm joking, don't you. LOL, I'm bloody not. Obviously I had to pick him up and shove him up my jumper any time a dog came into view, but aside from that, I couldn't *move* for people making approaches! And obviously by 'people' I mainly mean BOYS (LOL... so many men, so little time). I like to see it as my having been sifting concentratedly through my lucky dip barrel of potential soulmates: "This one? Nope, neeext! This one? Nope, neext!' and so on.
All good things come to those that wait. And if you're lacking patience, have fun with the empty hours.
Keep me posted.
I bumped into the girl this threads about yesterday evening, and we were chatting for about 30 minutes, quite funny conversation, and we really seemed to still get along. this is actually the first time I've ever chatted to her in person for the 18 months since I should of taken her out ha. But it was really strange my stomach flipped when I say her walking towards me and I don't get why? I thought i'd moved on, I started chatting to this girl online and haven't really thought about this girl for a while, but now I don't want to talk to any other girl again, and my feelings of regret have come back. the whole time I was chatting to her I was just thinking how stupid I was to not even try something!! as we get along so well and she is beautiful ha, basically she was everything i wanted. She was chatted a little about a holiday she went on to Germany but didn't mention the fact it was with her boyfriend, but when she mentioned it my stomach kinda wobbled again, don't really know hat to do with myself at the minute obviously i can't tell her how i feel, she knew i really liked her before and i knew she liked me, but she's still with this other guy so there's not really a lot i can do about it. chatted to her a little last night on facebook but she didn't reply after a few messages, i wanna keep chatting to her but don't want to pester her ha.
I've got Ibiza to look foreward to with my m8 in the summer and a festival, and i'm hopfully going to study abroad in Canada next year. but I have thought about since seeing her is how me and her could've been together. i keep just going round in circles for the 18 months now it's really annoying. chatted to my friend who fell out with her at the time of me wanting to take her out (after the third time of asking, when she didn't reply), said to her that she was part of the reason i didn't and she just said "bollox do what ever you want" but it's to late now it seems.
Is anyone still following this?
What - following you and the massive queue that's mounting up? Well, we're trying (pant-pant) but it's not easy. We're getting far too popular from being too clever and gorgeous, that's the trouble.
(You couldn't pitch in with a few, any you can relate to, could you, pretty-please with bells on, be yer best friend and all that??)
Eighteen months since you'd chatted, eh? And your stomach flipped and you don't know why? Yes you do - chemistry. But you can have great chemistry even with d*ckheads (because dh or not, the underlying animal is still okay). Not suggesting she's one, just explaining that in a relationship you have to click on the chemical level *and* your intrinsic natures in conjunction with how you got raised and the habits it instilled in you. Things fulfilling *both* those criterium are what makes the difference between being in a relationship with someone who's clothes you constantly want to rip off yet simultaneously view as your best friend and best sibling-figure OR who's clothes you want to constantly rip off yet afterwards, stuff down their throat. :-p Diff/all the diff.
So it's, 'So I fancy her like rotten, but WHAT do I fancy?'. If the answer is, 'A great *person*' then, go for it. But 'great person' has nothing to do with how pleasant or witty or whatever they seem on that superficial, social level. Because you're going DEEPER... to where moral fibre lives, upon which you, at some point in the future, might well rely. That's why 'birds of a feather stick together': they connect more deeply, can take a lot of trust for granted (from already starting out on the same wavelength) and thus are long-term happier.
You can't do any sort of fair comparison between someone online that you've never met in the flesh and this particular girl, whom you have, so which one's the better gal is already a moot point ("Move to strike from the record, Your Honour!"
So! Finding her attractive and sexy aside - is she as much as possible a female counterpart to you? Try to glean clues (from her behaviour and stories re. acts in the past in relation to the circumstances surrounding them at the time) and from those of anyone in your crowd who knows her. And then, since this is the only doorway on offer - try to become her friend, like Susie suggested at the top of your thread. That way, if you, just by being your best self, naturally outshine her boyfriend in too many ways or ways that are important to her, the prerogative lies with her over whether she wants to upgrade to you or not.
That's your only option...unless you want to come out and tell her you'd like to date her, 'is she happy with her current bf'...all of that. But you probably wouldn't, for how it veers a little into 'girlfriend stealer' which, although it might suit her at the time, *is* something that'll re-occur to her, *less* rosily-tinted, later down the line, whereas this is about impressing her with, amongst other things, your iron will to do the right and gentlemanly (i.e. *truly* manly) thing in the face of whatever temptations.
Ibiza and a (Reading?) Festival, and then going to live and study in Canada next year? Sounds amazing, but, why, then, are you wanting to start a relationship that you'll have to too-soon 'abandon'? If you were talking about serious relationship rather than a fling, wouldn't it be tantamount to you right now getting a new job with a 5-year+ contract that you already know you couldn't/wouldn't fulfil? Or would you be banking on her or any gf being willing to relocate with you come that point?
*Which* girl said ollocks - your female pal or this potential gf?
Hey, thanks for the reply, but it's not really the same girl as to why i asked if anyone was following this thread, i just didn't want to start another one ha. Got a whole different issue now ha
Ah, well then you should strictly start a new thread. Unless it's a quickie and concerns the same life arena (romance)?
Yeah it is.
Thing is i started using tinder, didn't really get much out of it, but started seeing this girl (girl A) But i knew when i started using it that i liked a friends friend (girl B) for a long time, so never really took it all that seriously. Thing is after a few dates with girl A i wasn't really sure if it was gunna go anywhere, but i think it could have. I went on a date with girl B, after things sort of fizzeled out over christmas with girl A. Girl B didn't want to see me again after 1 date and i feel as though i threw away a relasionship.
Well that's because you *did* (throw it away).
Pretend you fish. For briefcases containing whatever 'treasure' (a purely subjective but still real evaluation). And you're only allowed to keep ONE.
If what you hooked and reeled in were a briefcase full of £100 notes totalling £1m pounds, you'd hug it to you (and never let go) and make growling-hissing noises at anyone with greedy bug-eyes and grabbing hands coming towards you, wouldn't you (- "*My* briefcase!...mine-mine-mine-mine-mine!"
. But if instead what you hooked were one containing a 1 Pound Coin, and you had it on good authority that the Million Pound briefcase were still somewhere to be had in that lake, COURSE you'd throw the first one back or leave it abandoned on the bank (where it could grow little legs and wander off itself).
Just keeep swiii-mming, just keep swiii-mming (your case, fishing).... It's great practise, whatever/whomever it leads to.
PS: Name the film.
if it had worked out with girl B then i know i wouldn't be thinking the same way. problem was i liked both of them for different reasons, and i've never seen the point of dating more than one person, i'm kinda all or nothing ha but got told to go for it anyway. i felt like i was kind of torn between the 2 and by the time girl B said no it was to late too carry on with girl A. It never really feels like the right time to have a relationship or anything, like i'm not where i want to be, or have much to offer at the minute. Girl A has moved on and is in a relationship now, but i'm really confused as to whether i get down about that or the fact that girl B didn't want to see me again. i'm going away all summer travelling and i think part of it was i didn't think it fair to keep seeing girl A when i'm trying to save money and not see her that often, felt like i'd be too selfish in it ha.
And finding nemo ha