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Do I bite my tongue or say something?

- Dec 21 2014 at 18:11
Member since: Dec 2014
Relationship advice Bit of a moral dilemma here - not sure whether to just do nothing or say something.

Bit confusing too but I'll try my best1

I am married to D, but we have been separated for 4 years. We still get on well but he has moved on and is in a relationship with someone else. He proposed to the new lady recently (even tho we aren't divorced yet) and they are expecting their first baby next month.

Things are going well for them, her father has lent them the deposit to buy a house and things look good. I am genuinely happy for them - there are no sour grapes on my part - he was a crap husband to me but I'm glad we are still friends - I have no expectations of him now and so can just be friends without him letting me down in any way which is nice. I couldn't have children so I'm over the moon that he is going to be a dad at last, it's what he always wanted.


I have recently found out (not just gossip, I've seen the evidence for myself and it's irrefutable) that he is active on swinging sites (logging on hourly) and posting for meets with couples, women and transvestites. There are 'verifications' on the site from women he has met recently.

I know this is none of my business. He's not my problem any more. I'm also very aware that this could come across as a little bit 'woman scorned' - i promise it's anything but.

I loved this man with all my heart and it is my biggest regret that we couldn't make it work - but that's the but of it - we couldn't make it work. I was so happy that he had the chance for a life with everything he wanted with his new lady but now I find that not only is he cheating on her, he's putting her health at risk (potentially, I can't assume that isn't taking precautions) and taking her parents money to buy a house based on the premise that he is going to be a good husband to their daughter and father to their grandchild! If anything, I'm upset that he hasn't learned enough to see that the grass isn't always greener, and be happy with what he has.

I'm not sleeping. I'm so worried for the poor girl and baby involved - I couldn't bear to see anyone go through what I went through, or hear later that she has found out and something awful has happened. I know if I was in her shoes I'd seriously want to know, but there's no way I'm going to tell her, I couldn't live with myself! But what to do? Tell her parents? Pretend I know nothing? No point confronting him, he can't do the right thing to save his life unfortunately.

Sorry, mad ramblings... would really like some opinions on how others might deal with a similar situation x

Do I bite my tongue or say something?

- Dec 21 2014 at 22:04
Member since: Dec 2013
You said it yourself: "He's not my problem any more."

Get out of this marriage (really, you were long ago) legally and move on to a better life.

She will find out by herself, for sure. It's a sad situation, but keep saying your own words, "He's not my problem any more."

Then, WHEW! Be glad he's out of your life!

PS Make sure YOU are checked for STDs, etc. Most likely this behavior has been going on for a long time.

Do I bite my tongue or say something?

- Dec 21 2014 at 22:11
Member since: Dec 2014
Hi if what you say is true. I would want to know if my boyfriend was cheating and risking other people's lives is terrible. Maybe you should speak to a councillor if you are really worried they are super helpful x

Do I bite my tongue or say something?

- Dec 22 2014 at 02:38
Member since: Sep 2014
Would this woman finding out in her late stages of pregnancy that her husband is cheating on her do any good? The news might bring her into early labor and cause stress which could hurt the baby just as easily as an STD. Maybe it will cause a huge fight and he will leave her....DO you really want this little girl or boy to grow up without a father, whether he is a cheating, lying, creep or not?

Celebrate that you're not the one he is cheating on.

Do I bite my tongue or say something?

- Dec 24 2014 at 04:00
Member since: Dec 2014
Do what's right, when you listen to yourself you know what that is. Trust yourself

Do I bite my tongue or say something?

- Dec 26 2014 at 19:09
Member since: Aug 2014
The desire to want to reveal sensitive information to a third party is rarely, if ever, a good choice. The decision to do so is a reactive one based on prior experiences that we don't want others to go through or through a need to impose our views of right and wrong upon a situation that will have absolutely no bearing on our lives. Either way it is not our decision to interfere with the normal course of other people's lives. We all must learn whatever lesson is coming our way at a time not of our choosing but when it is meant to happen. The severity or required impact of the required lesson can be diminished by premature interference by others and is guaranteed to have the potential to unnecessarily bring grief and disturbance to your life too. The decision is ultimately yours but I believe that enough trouble finds it's way into our lives as it is without inviting more in.

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