Broke up with BF, having hard time
I broke up with my now ex boyfriend last week because he had broken promises he made to me. I broke up with him first 6 months ago mostly because we are very different people and I was sick of his drinking not mention I felt completely unloved (more like a room mate than anything else).
I am very intorverted and he is extraverted. I prefer to stay in but he can't sit still for 5 minutes. I like to relax and watch TV or spend nice evenings/weekends together doing things. He prefers to go out with his mates getting drunk. After I broke up with him the first time, he moved out and then begged to come back, he was a weeping mess. I advised him not too seeing as doing so would mean he had to change and I knew that it would make him miserable. But he insisted he would be fine and wanted to come back. I told him we can take it slow and if he went back on his promises, I would be mad and I wouldn't tolerate it.
So here we are 6 months later and I couldn't take it anymore. I still love him so much, it's so difficult. On one hand I love him and can't imagine him not in my life, on the other hand, we made each other miserable most of the time. He's not a bad man and we are still living together which is hard. He will be gone soon though. However, he is clearly crushed. We don't talk or anything and I stay out of his way, but watching him sitting in silence on his own, head in his hands or just staring out of the window, it's killing me.
Why is it so hard to let go of someone you love when you know it isn't right? He has some personal issues to tackle before he dates I think. That's why he drinks, to medicate. When he drinks (even just one or two) he acts like an arse or ends up in tears saying he wants to kill himself. I have a 7 year old child from a previous relationship, I can't have him like this around her. He absolutely stinks up the place with a foul smell after drinking too. It's like it seeps out of his pores through the night.
He was doing really well, but it just crept back in to his life when he had promised not to drink at all. I let the odd one slide and it got worse from there. It's a not-so-simple case of not being compatible, but we love each other. I know he does too, he loves me so much (perhaps not enough to change), but I decided he is miserable and it is not for me to change him. He needs to find someone more suitable for him, that he can go out and have fun with.
I'm at a loss really, sometimes I think I've made a mistake...but then I think about how I felt when he did those things. I'm just so sad....and I know he is....at Christmas this really sucks. He's really angry too, calling me all sorts of names and calling me a bully because I've done exactly what I warned him I would do. I know he's been telling all his friends that I'm an awful person, but I don't care so much about them. They're just venting posts for his anger. That boy needs help.
And so do I right now.
Sometimes making the best decision for you and your family can be the most difficult. To me, it sounds like you were not very well suited together to begin with, apart from whatever it is that brings you together. I'm not sure how much you both have in common, but I can see some fundamental differences that are very important in a relationship.
It is obvious that you really care about this person, and want to help him to become a better man. He has already broken his promise to you to better himself and cut back on the drinking. When you first dated and broke up, he reacted in an extreme manner which caused you to second guess yourself.
I am currently struggling to end a 9 year relationship... you asked "why is it so hard to let go of someone you love when you know it isn't right?" and honestly, I cannot answer this. Love is such a complicated emotion that there is never a simple answer. I can point out that you have already answered your own question twice: "I told him we can take it slow and if he went back on his promises, I would be mad and I wouldn't tolerate it." & "I decided he is miserable and it is not for me to change him. He needs to find someone more suitable for him, that he can go out and have fun with."
Loving a person and letting them go is not easy. You may feel you have made a mistake but you have not. You are protecting yourself and your child from some one who needs to take a look at himself and make changes happen.
Taoism teaches us that *speaks in the first person for simplicity*: I cannot affect anything than myself. I can attempt to influence others, but in the end I cannot change how they think, feel, or act.
You are a smart and strong girl who doesn't take shit from anybody. I know this from the way you wrote this post. He is angry and lashing out by trying to belittle you. This is another way for him to try to manipulate you. You are not a bully, he is weak. Stay strong and do not let him back into your life unless enough time has passed that you can be positive he is straight. I personally recommend not letting him back ever, you are still young and he hasn't moved to change yet.
Look for someone who compliments your personality; who can be the parts which you have missing, but not someone who overshadows you.
I hope that you are able to find peace and strength in knowing that what you did was right. You have to watch out for your child.
I also hope that your ex finds a way to deal with his daemons, but that was never your job to begin with.
Thank you so much....people keep telling me that I'm doing the right thing and my brain is telling me the same. Unfortunately my heart is screaming to have him back in my life.
Yes I am strong, I am strong to a point! I know what I want and I know he isn't it, but I hate seeing him miserable! I care for him so much.
But thank you for your words, it has really helped clarify what's going on in my head and that's exactly what I've been telling myself and him actually, that we need people who better compliment ourselves, bring out the best in each other. I feel like I'm 30 though and starting again after 4 years in a relationship is hitting quite hard.
Thank you again