When to really walk away?
Hi there, I need to vent about this...
I dated a girl for a year. It was on off, 3 or 4 times, each time I ended it because issues came up about how she spoke/treated in a respectful matter. It was INTENSE right from the get go, driven by her, which I found myself going along with, because I really did fall for her.
Issues came out about finance/money which were the main instigator to arguments. Also her ex who was very recent. I'm not an argumentative person at all. She is fiery and has it in her to flip, be mad and angry and then let go of it very quickly. Where as I would be emotionally cut up about it for days after. Her response would be that I needed to stop being too emotional.
Continued arguments, in the middle of what was a great relationship in many other ways really started to put me on edge, building anxiety and bordering feeling a bit depressed at times.
I broker her heart 3 times, getting back together each time under the premise that she said how much she regretted treating me with disrespect (she had BAD relationships in the past and absent father, which she claims is why she treated me like that, but that I had shown her the way a relationship should really be…)
She told me to F**K off several times in arguments. In my mind there is no excuse to talk to people like that full stop, let alone with someone you love and who loves you.
Am I deluded that in a passionate relationship, I should not expect to have to deal with that? I'm 31 and experienced in relationships, albeit seem to not get it right picking the right girl. She's a few years younger.
3 months on from our final break up, we're not in touch. A merry christmas message went backwards and forwards, no more. We now live a long way away form each other.
I miss her, think about her all the time. I can distract myself by being busy. I have tried to date other girls, but I have no interest. In some respects, I think we're not right for each other, but I can't/don't want to move on form her. I'm a guy who has a lot of love to give, I want to be in a loving relationship, but I'm left with a very lingering emotions/harbouring love for this girl.
I want her to loose that argumentative and disrespectful side of her which she says she doesn't want herself… but its there, part of her.
To go back to her, I couldn't trust her to treat me well. And she probably could not trust me to stick with it.
Time to really walk away? But how? Time has seen me progress, but its almost like I don't to take that final step to feeling free from her, because deep down I hope she'll be the one I spend the rest of my life with.
Anyone else dealt with this?
hey im pretty young but im in love with a girl so i know what its like to love but ive never lost her and i know wouldnt want too, so i can imagine how hard it is for you to let her go but it sounds like she treats you like shit and theres no point being in a relationship with someone who treats you like that you can do better you deserve to be in a relationship were your loved and cared for
This sounds alot like how I used to be. Until I found one guy who stuck by me, he suggested we go to couples therapy, and things have been so much better since. were alot happier and I feel happier and more confident in myself.
Thanks both, for your replies.
Kaine, I hear you. It's that line of thought that kinda keeps me thinking I'm doing the right thing… that we're better off apart. Maybe it a time thing until i'll be able to let a new girl in to have that relationship… if I am indeed doing the right thing. I wonder if I can be quite idealistic in my thoughts of a relationship.
And Kylasky, thanks, I'm interested to know how you got to that place with dealing with it like that? Were you aware of it? Why do yo think you did act like that? Did it affect other relationships? What did you do about it? Did you try stop being like like that without therapy? How did previous guys deal with it? I wish, so badly, I had found a successful way of dealing with it that hadn't made me feel so crap inside and then resulted in breaking up with her. But it dangerous to think "what ifs" as I felt with the situation as best I knew how at the time...
I knew I had a problem deep down, but i didnt want to admit it. I felt it was difficult to communicate with past partners, and i would get so angry so quickly. anger was my reaction to everything it seemed. Couples therapy really helped me to stop and think,helped us communicate better as a couple. It took a while, and it took alot of effort on both parts to sit and open up to each other and break down walls. but it was worth it.
Thats really interesting klasky, thank you for sharing. And really glad to hear it worked! So was it your idea to go to therapy or his? How did you react to it initially if it was his idea? It never seemed or felt like an option for us!? Never crossed my mind.
Sadly, I think we're far too down the road now to reconcile anything relationship wise. One day I'll hope there'll be a friendship there, but that will never be healthy so long as I'm thinking "oh but what if you hadn't kept blowing up at me like that, we cold have been together forever…"
… needless to say, a lot of healing to do in order to move on...