No where to run
I just joined. I am just looking for a way out of this internal rollercoaster. I get these intense feelings that I try to numb them with external things such as alcohol, food, or spending a lot of money on spiritual advisors. I have spent over $500.00 this month. I have always considered myself to be pretty easy going and relaxed until I decided to divorce my ex-husband, and he really did a number on me for 5 years. I was running from county to county trying to keep the kids safe. He has a mental disorder and when my life was in danger I bailed. He went to three different counties making false police reports and many other government institutions. I lived in Cape fear for awhile. I call the spiritual advidors because I want someone to assure me that everything is ok and that the boogy man wont come after my kids anymore(ex). I live with these intense fears that are eating me alive. I bottle up everything inside and then my cup runneth over. I want to work on myself and I have been. I finished my degree and have a successful business, but nothing food, alcohol, spiritual advisors, sex takes away these intense feelings. I want to take on full responsibility of my feelings, but I get this gut wrenching feeling like I feel empty and I am alone in this world. Where does that emptiness comes from? how can I make this better for me. All the meditations and other things I am doing to ease the pain doesn't make go away completely. When I get into arguments with my current spouse it feels like the worse will happen like I cant trust him like we are finished , its not worth going through so much pain for my current husband when we argue. I feel alone. I feel like I cant trust him. I shouldn't depend on anything or anyone to numb my pain. I am using him as a numbing device like I use the alcohol and food or the SA. I don't cling on him. I stop myself and deal with this internal hell by myself. I don't drink a lot daily maybe 2 beers o take the edge off of the anxiety and on some days I do go over bored. When I got into an argument with my husband I spent $300 on SA because I needed someone to tell me it will be ok. I need constant reminders that life wont become a living hell like it did with my ex. I have no where to run then to face these feelings honestly and acknowledge that I am numbing my pain not curing it.
How can I turn this around. I am just tired of lying to myself.
Wow, you sound really tense. I recommend that you see a professional counselor. A counselor will help you sort things out and will teach you how to cope.
A very aptly named post! You have come to the point of realisation that you can't run and hide from reality in alcohol etc, that shows you are on the way to sorting out your problems, that is usually the part that many people cannot get past.
I agree with Dancer, you need to face your feelings and the awful things that have happened to you in a safe space with a trained counsellor who can help you through them. It is obviously affecting your relationship with your husband as you should be able to turn to him for comfort and support but you are right in that he cannot fix this for you, you will have to do the emotional heavy lifting here. Good luck.
Everything will be and is OK. You are probably still living in fear, shock and its normal, concidering that you have been through a lot. Now you should really focus and consciously make and prove yourself that everything is going to be alright. Think about it. You solved your worse problem. When did all this happened?