What do do after husband has an affair
I am 38 years old and this past summer my husband had an affair with a girl he used to date in high school. They connected via Facebook and then he drove 2 and a half hours to meet up with her. I found out before he even got home. I kicked him out when he returned and he was gone for a week and wanted to come home. I let him with a new set of rules.
The biggest kick in the teeth over all this was the fact that I had recently been diagnosed with cancer and was recovering from surgery when this happened. He picked a heck of a time to do it! To this day, it still bothers me alot and I do not know if I can forgive him. Any time I bring up anything about the affair, he says it is in the past and I should leave it there. The bad thing is, the past still affects me everyday.
I am not sure if I am just being foolish by letting it bother me still but I can not help it. He does things that make me feel like I am not as important as the woman he had an affair with such as, he tells me he can not text me while working but yet he would text her at all hours of the day. They would stay up half the night on the phone but if I want him to stay up past 10 and talk to me he won't. I do not know what to do. I am trying to fiigure out how to make this relationship work. It is hard to let go of 16 years. There were also no problems with our relationship before this that I knew about. I never saw it coming. Any advice would be helpful. Thank you.
"Any time I bring up anything about the affair, he says it is in the past and I should leave it there." He does something this horrible and thinks he does not have to deal with the consequences, one of them being that you deserve to talk to him about it. No, it is NOT in the past ... it is in the present as it has done damage to your marriage. The relationship can't even begin to work unless he is willing to talk about it, instead of feeling annoyed when you bring up the subject. You two need to see a counselor. If he won't go, you need to see a counselor on your own.
I concur with Dancer55. The affair is not in the past for these reasons. Ill try and explain it as gently as I can. The first and most important thing is that you still dwell on it. (I do not at all blame you. I would too, I don't know how someone wouldn't.) His refusal to discuss it could be taken as shame, guilt, remorse or could be taken as, "I'm over it why aren't you?" I obviously do not know his personality but those are the base probabilities. His reaction as to "that's in the past." is alarming. It makes me wonder if he is leaning on the side of "I'm over it why aren't you?" Which tells me that there is a serious lack of consideration, as well as emotional support necessary for a marriage. Those two things alone tell me basically you have termites in the foundation of your relationship to simplify it.
Now from my studies and observations of folks who have made the sad/dumb/unfortunate mistake/action of cheating... obviously it can be titled in countless ways. I call it a gross oversight. Here's what they're ignoring. Some of following is conscious some is completely overlooked.
- More oft than not, they become known as liars and in a sense outcasts.
- Everyone who cheats has like a 98% of getting caught, It’s almost inevitable.
- Upon getting caught they’re going to feel a huge weight of disappointment if they have a sense of morality that they violated. Upon breaking that one of two things are gonna happen. The perpetrator may become seriously depressed with guilt, their lifestyle will be affected, they may feel regrets be unsure how to proceed change to be very submissive to a degree pending on personality. The other possibility is the individual is gonna be angry most of the time. Anger is the shield that hides someone’s underlying fear. You would still see odd changes in lifestyle. If you have ever heard a coach say to his students, “get mad, get pumped, go win.” Something like that. The psychology behind that is if you’re scared use your anger to overcome, don't show your fear of failure, what not. (Side note: Ironically people usually end up worse off than when they started off calm. A calm controlled mind is a clear thinking individual. This leads to the next one.)
- The perpetrator ignores every consequence because they are running on pure emotions. This is where you get into your Freudian type psychology called the ID, ego and Superego. ID, or solely our instincts overrun our ego, (our logical mind) and superego (our moral structure.)
- I’m going to have to stop there because I could serious right page after page of observations of exactly what a perpetrator overlooks. But suffice it to say you can basically ruin your entire life simply by cheating and because the perpetrator was allowing themselves to be run on emotions they’re gonna ignore facts that clear thinking mind would not.
The entire reason I told you all that is to hopefully give you a better idea of just what exactly you are dealing with. This a virus, just like your cancer only its towards the relationship. Left untreated the effects are going to inevitably be disastrous. Oddly enough the treatment is going to end up being how you see this when healing from this. Cause only you can give him your forgiveness which is vital for a relationship. Right now you see this as something that has not healed. It’s a gaping wound still and he’s completely fine denying it most likely because of guilt. That’s where you’re at right now.
The next step is sow the wound… get an expert… both of you MUST go to counseling if the relationship is going to succeed.
I sincerely wish you both the best.
Gosh your husband is being very inconsiderate . Personally I wouldn't put up with this, if you let him get away with having an affair once it's possible he may do it again. However , his talking to this other woman may be his way of coping with the stress of finding out about your cancer , and what may have started as an innocent shoulder to cry on turned into an affair. He may be afraid of losing you and dealing with the consequences , so yes perhaps counselling is the best way to go here. If he loves you , he'll go with you, he clearly needs someone to talk to as much as you do and chatting to an old flame is not the solution.
Thank you all for your insight. Everything said here makes sense. I am seeking counseling tomorrow. I am hopeful he will go with me. We had a discussion last night about the affair. He hates talking about it because it makes him feel bad because he knows how much it hurt me and our family. I tried to get him to understand that we need to talk about it if we are going to get past it.
I am thinking that the affair started because he was stressed but the bottom line is, he allowed it to happen. That is no ones fault but his own. He chose to sleep with her so apparently he wanted to.
I am to the point now that something has to give or this relationship will be over. I know it won't happen overnight but we have to start working on fixing it. It has been 5 months and it is time. If he doesn't want to then that's it. I will still seek counseling to help me get through it and move on. Thank you all for your input!!
We have been married 50 yrs and I had a lot of affairs, from the early days of it, just 'cos I was on an ego trip and found I could attract women and I have been an oli painting, just a good smile, attentive listener and of course the benefits of the job. I did have a good job, big expense account, travelled a lot using hotels at the top end, yet had an exretemely comfortable homelife, marriage and lifestyle. My wife was very supportive in every way and we had great sex, but I always wanted the other side of the fence so to speak.
Yes I was a liar and cheater yet denied everything she threw at me, becoming more suspicious and of course I was found out being too complacent. It was also her best friend and a vivacious attractive woman. We nearly split up but didn't because of the two children, then about 8 and 10.
It is all over since the mid 80s and I haven't put a foot wrong in that respect, there are loads of other problems and issues of my own doing, but my wife has declared her continued love and support with compassion, so it can happed, but he has to do his bit and talk.
We do, yes we have rows, but less so as time goes on.
I wish you the very best of luck.
Hello???!! WHY do you feel that YOU need to go to counseling?If it's to try to fix your marriage...I wouldn't be wasting any time. In order for you to really heal 100%...either you get a divorce..OR you AND your husband go together to couples counseling ONLY he will want to have to go on his own accord and not be dragged into going.See this is why I tell people who find out that their spouses have cheated..to NOT let them back into your life..no matter what because that person has broken trust in the relationship and when that is done...there is NO going back! You need to value yourself more then you value your husband and this marriage that is now broken.He disrespected you and he still doesn't seem like he cares about all the hurt that he's caused you and still is causing you! How dare he..when you needed him the most...be out cheating on you...also how did you find out that he cheated before he even had gotten home?
I wish you luck in your marriage but I would never get back together with a cheater at all...period because I KNOW that I would NEVER forget...I would forgive..but NEVER forget...and that's part of the problem isn't it..?
I'm with Purplekitty on this one. Actually, I'm with everyone in various ways. There are LOTS of predominant reasons behind why a man has an affair. But what determines which type the affair was is HOW HE BEHAVES ONCE HE'S BEEN FOUND OUT.
You cannot argue with sustained actions including those sustained beyond a reasonable period.
Your (ugh) (sorry, but UGH) husband has since identified himself quite categorically. Purplekitty obviously worked that out for herself without seeing the need to mention it, so obvious is it. But you're naturally in the mental cloudedness of high DefCon (as Keekay pointed out), meaning, you DO need things, even the bleedin' obviouses, spelled out.
You were rendered vulnerable, through no fault of your own, and needed a rock. That's life for ya. That's when all good rocks step up or step up even higher than they did before. The man you're married to's reaction to that call of duty, however, was: Me-me-ME, let me go find pleasure for me-me-ME (and screw her!). You can make any excuses you like, but a decent man's reaction is to tolerate any temporarily associated sacrifices (like lack of sex and attention on him) because he loves his life partner more than ANYTHING. Even if the relationship for a long time hasn't been going ideally smoothly, there is STILL great love in memoriam which should suffice. You got, Me-me-ME!
If he'd leave you just when you needed him most (- Randy Vanwarmer) and when leaving should be hardest to do, then he'd leave you ANY time.
What if you get cancer again or some other tragedy befalls you?
Just because any inadequacies of his didn't surface sufficiently during the marriage doesn't mean there weren't any. This isn't a creation, it's an exposure above-table of what lurked beneath. You'll still be in the initial grieving stages (Shock & Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance). You chucked him out when solely in Anger...... then took him back once Plea Bargaining thereafter swiftly kicked in in your mind (i.e. look at how quickly you began to heal with him out of your vicinity! If only you'd managed to grit your teeth to get PAST that hurdle). Common stuff.
It's ironic that the betrayed spouse will naturally deify the betraying spouse (to give her much-needed false impetus to stay with him rather than stick a 12-inch knife into him :-p) because one of the mental mechanisms that allows a man to crash through that almighty, base-programming taboo is demonizing her. If she's a witch/b*tch then he's not a sh*tface but merely a poor victim purely doing whatever poor he can do to psychologically tolerate the marital hell without going insane (blah-justificatory-blah). Guilt barrier then removed - off he happily trots. This is particularly the mindset of a Me-Me-Me merchant.
Once that fence has been trampled, it's down. Cheating a further time is comparitively easy.
In time, you'll come down from that deifications state and start to look back and admit that yes there WERE aspects of the marriage due to his attitudes and behaviour that left you feeling cold or neglected, whatever. You're not just there yet.
In summary: when a man has an affair, he's not killing the relationship. He is reacting to the fact that relationship lies anywhere between unconscious or dead on the floor. Whichever, the relationship could be resuscitated. But not by him because he's the type who's emotionally unintelligent and selfish and self-serving, meaning his reaction is to abandon the freshly critical body in favour of going and getting a replacement... lilypad style...one foot on hers and one still (conningly) on yours - so that he can seamlessly, conveniently, step over without having to spend any time swimming in the 'cold' water between one and the next. Me-Me-Me merchants can't tolerate their own company, i.e. being single and shag-less, for any decent length of time. His needs, his needs, his needs (screw yours or anybody else's).
And look: he's basically STILL saying, Screw your needs, isn't he.
So why on earth did he want back? Didn't want to end up less wealthy by half or more? Current mistress proved herself not sufficiently suitable but you're better than nothing and no-one? Couldn't face the public backlash? All three and more? What's certain from his unloving, uncaring behaviour right now is that his reason was not for love and empathy. Nuh-uh. I am sorry and I love you is as I am sorry and I love you *does*. DOESDOESDOES! He's doing the opposite. Despite he's had more than ample time to 'come down'.
You can set any new self-respecting (good for you!) rules as you like but that doesn't mean a reprobate will follow them any more than inclined to before (I'm talking tacit rules that were or should have been clear as day without need for pointing out).
(Purplekitty said:) "In order for you to really heal 100%...either you get a divorce..OR you AND your husband go together to couples counseling ONLY he will want to have to go on his own accord and not be dragged into going"
And I agree because this particular situation as distinguished by him justifies that stance.
Contrary to pop opinion, you can't arbitrarily "forgive" someone. None of us are gods with the right to benignly bestow saintly acts and attitudes onto others. That's just arrogance. The transgressor has to ASK for forgiveness WITH GESTURES AND ACTIONS TO SUPPORT ITS VALIDITY... Forgiveness is a reciprocation. Without that request, you're not forgiving, you're merely accepting and tolerating.
Has he "asked", genuinely for forgiveness? Answer: NOPE! He may have wanted for whatever reasons of his to jump back into the rowing boat per se but he's ever since been sat there stock-still watching YOU doing all the rowing with your one oar. Result...round and round and round...GOING NOWHERE, least of all to Forgivenessville, Improvementston. He just wanted to get to stay sat in the boat. Actions say so. Irrefutably.
So don't forgive. While he's continually refusing to do HIS share of rowing, accept he's a selfish beep, accept that your cancer has just reminded you of how one needs a mutual ROCK in this life, decide you're as worth that natural life 'amenity' (origin of which is mutual love courtesy of one being trained up to know what it is and how to do it) as anyone else on this planet, and dump the dud accordingly. Grit your teeth through the grieving (detaching process) and (nonsense) fear of being alone, adjust fully to being single again, and then let the lessons learned automatically send out a vibe that's very attractive to all like-mindeds, MEN INCLUDED, at which point you'll find yourself taken by surprise in getting paired up with a new & improved male to suit. One that is there for you when your needs are greater than his or at least puts you equally when your needs are equal to his. One that makes you look back on this period and pop the champagne cork in gratitude for the liberation disguised in wolf's clothing that it represented, courtesy of your weak, selfish, ...husband-thingy.
Your husband is obviously used to being permanently needy and THAT'S why he's not a rock. Not even when the situation utterly SCREAMS for it. Berbom.
During your grieving period, reconcile yourself to WHY you accepted a marriage contract with a needy child.
I've fed you a clue there: CHILD.
Only if you can't pinpoint what your own mind was up to back then as allowed you to marry this pillock do you personally need counselling.
Yes, it's hard. But so is childbirth. And you KNOW why that one was, don't you. It's a gauntlet run approach to Rewardville. :-)
I'll tell you what in your precise situation is harder than walking away at year 16, though. STAYING!!! And even WITHOUT all the copious theory - I very nearly *was* that soldier! Brrr. Instead, I'm happier than I could ever have dreamed of!
Despite how horrid it feels right now, I promise you this is not a nightmare, it's an opportunity. Or it is if your husband continues to refuse to row. That's how you know which. So, if you can't chuck him out of the boat just yet - watch that space...
Girl i understand completely. And iv done a lot of pondering and read a few books about this. Im currently with a man who cheats on me daily. With MANY MANY woman. In all forms, texts, phone calls, skype, you name it. He had done it to me. I understand your pain and your suffering and it hurts like hell. Especially us as woman who when we pick someone to share our life with, we do. We give them all we have, and most of the time its not returned. Now i cannot tell you why he had an affair or what caused him to do it. Men will use excuses such as "you put on weight" "your not attractive to me anymore" or even the good " It was just sex, i dont love her". Iv heard them all. But the fact is is he cheats because he wants too. He cheats because he can, and statistics show that once they cheat, they dont stop. The ONLY thing that will make him stop is himself. I know this for a fact. Iv tried to make myself sexy for my man, tried to give him all i had even when he treated me like dirt. Just to have a good day with him and expect it to change, and then look at his phone and see while he had his arms around me, he was texting another girl... Some men do not even see fault in cheating. I found out about my man by snooping. Thru his phone, his facebook, his everything. And instead of him saying hes sorry and wont do it again, he blows up in my face and tells me i had no right to look through his things. You are a beautiful woman who deserves a man that sees that. But if you want to stay with him, then you must be strong. You must prepare yourself for the struggles that await. Whether that be trust issues, or repeat offenses. Sticking by a man who has violated your trust, ESPECIALLY a husband who shared vows with you, will have to earn your trust again. It will be hard, But if you choose to stay then i wish you the best of luck. And sometimes men do turn around for their women. And even tho he has cheated that doesnt mean he will leave you tho there is a chance. Most married men that cheat dont ever leave their wives for their mistresses. You need to talk to him about your feelings, let him know it hurts and you wont tolerate it. See what he says. If he wont stop it, Then you need to decide what you want. You have been married for a long time, and i can understand not wanting to just throw that down the drain. But its all about what you want and what you can live with. No one has to live thru your pain except you. You have to decide what it is you want from him and what he wants from you. Whether it was a one time thing that he can atone for, or if your going to be miserable for the rest of your days. Actions speak louder then words. My man to this day will lie straight to my face when i catch him cheating. Iv been there, i know how it feels. But girl, i tell you that once i can leave his sorry excuse for a man i wont shed a tear doing it. No man should ever violate your trust or your respect. Its not right and i think alot of men need to learn that. So keep your head up and i wish you the best of luck. And i hope i helped, if only a litte.
Hurts like hell? It's a nightmare and total mind-f**k on a stick and even THAT doesn't do it justice! Well, certaily the first time. But who'd give a man the opportunity to repeat his crime again and again and AGAIN?!
WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU WAITING FOR, LADYINFAMOUS? I mean - excellent post and all that, but..Don't you realise this waiting is WHY he thinks he can keep getting away with it?
That aside, can we all come round and watch come the day you deliver this coup d'etat come death blow? (Oh, go on, say yes, don't be a meanie. ;-))
Yea ladyinfamous... i was kinda floored as to why you haven't left him already? Granted not everything is as easy as packing up giving him the finger and sayn "ill catch ya later." But multiple times is just unacceptable no?
" as packing up giving him the finger and sayn "ill catch ya later."
If i was a woman thats what i would do to a guy. We're big boys and we all know when we done wrong... o.o
BUT since ima guy I am straight I believe in the classy approach towards women. "You have betrayed me once and twice and so on... and now I think I'm going to leave and forsake you..."
somethin to that end XD
Well guys my problem right here is financial problems... i cant simply leave right at this moment no matter how ID LOVE TOO. I just have got myself into a hole and i need to get out. but rest assure that when the day comes i will be praising the high heavens. No one should go thru this but sometimes thats the only choice we have.
Iv been on my own my whole life and iv been barely making it thru. Now i am a strong woman due to all of this so i bear my burdens well. I recently lost my job and i rely on him to pay our bills. He does PROVIDE A home. an empty one. but a home none the less. As for the time being, i am not at liberty to leave. I dont have my parents nor any friends who can or will help. And im all on my own here. So i gotta tough it out until i can get some things rolling. Making plans as it is. And then bye bye out the door never coming back no more. alls im saying is that you cant let it get you down. I am going to leave. Just not this second.
(No, actually Keeks, I liked your first version! :-D)
LADY, it sounds to me like you're under the completely wrong impressions here. Have you not had a chat with a solicitor yet and found out how you'd probably be BETTER off if you divorced him? Did you not know that being out of a job is the best position you could BE in when filing for divorce? I was taking a sabbatical at the point when I filed, but my solicitor told me, 'Do not, WHATEVER you do and no matter WHAT he tries to say to convince you to the contrary, get a job! Not even a part-time or merely voluntary one!'.
Nor do you need friends or parents. That's what a solicitor is for. Especially true if like me you find yourself a sympathetic and emotionally supportive, vocational/vigilante style, female one - the type whom as an unerring personal and professional policy would refuse ever to represent the adulterous party (or 'cheating w**kers' as mine puts it, LOL). Furthermore, you've got us lot/this forum. This is not some 'one line of advice and now move along' type of forum, you can whinge and vent and gain insider Do/Don't tips for as long as you need to. As long as you start your own thread and keep to it rather than keep starting new ones, then everyone could keep up-to-date and fully abreast of the entire episode from start to finish.
Thirdly, you should not be the one to leave the marital home. He's the 'criminal' - HE should leave! Do not, do not, do NOT 'abandon the former family home' as the legal speak goes.
Anyway, suggest you start a thread of your own once you feel ready and then we can paste into it these last few messages to start you off, yeh?