Health problems and smoking
Hello Everyone I just joined. I am just looking for a few good advices and other opinions on this matter. So it's like this, I know my girlfriend for 6 years, tho we are together only for a few months now, we really get along, I know I can trust her and that she loves me, everything is perfect except for one thing.
She has some health problems so when I see her smoking it just ticks something in me and I get really angry. I can't stand watching her smoke, we talked a few times about it, she knows how much it annoys me but she still doesn't want to stop. She said that I've known that she smokes when we started our relationship and that I have no right to complain, well that is true but I didn't know it will annoy me so much, I can't control it. All my ex's smoked too but I didn't mind at all, I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Am I just too worried about her because I love her a lot or what?
When we talked about it she also said that she doesn't want us forbiding anything to each other, that we can do what we like, that she would understand that I'm complaining if she was drinking like a maniac and gets drunk every weekend, taking drugs or something like that, but she doesn't get it why I hate it so much that she is smoking. She said that if the situation was reversed she wouldn't ask of me to stop smoking. But the thing is, I would stop for her if I was smoking and she didn't stand it, if I knew how much it annoys her. That's what hurts me the most, and the fact that it feels to me like smoking is more important to her than I am, tho I know it probably isn't like that, what do you guys think? Am I overreacting?
I really love her and I can tell that she loves me too, cause when a person is really happy you can just see it on them, in their behaviour, we have regular sex, there are no other problems, just that damn smoking which annoys me for some reason and I just don't know what to do. I know she won't stop ( at least for now, she said that she will stop when she gets pregnant, but she can't promise that she won't start again ) I don't want to leave her because I know I will probably never find someone like her again but I can't stand watching her with a cigarette, I'm in a damn circle with no way out. Is there anything I can do? Why does it annoy me so much and am I wrong here, wrong because I asked of her to stop smoking? Am I behaving like a kid here? Thank you in advance your your replies!
She was a walking advert. In with the total sales blurb said, 'I smoke'.
You took 6 years to buy. And now 2-3 months in you want to send back to the shop an what-is-now intrinsic part of that product?
Tough. You knew smoking was included when you handed over your cash. That you didn't imagine how you'd feel about it further along the line is not her problem, it's yours and the fact you ignored that aspect which only now you say is meaningful.
Surely there are things YOUR advert stated would be included or included to a certain percentage which in reality hasn't proven the case?
Also, if her 'some health problems' were anything directly to do with her smoking, you who were looking for ammunition would have darn well said so. In fact, we'd have had to have held you back!
Come off it, mate, what is this REALLY about?
I think you're trying to be masterful - more masterful than your exes claimed you were (weren't) - but getting it completely wrong. Combined in with that is - "But the thing is, I would stop for her if I was smoking and she didn't stand it, if I knew how much it annoys her." - you wanting her to show you through an indisputable action of a hardened addict giving up her legal drug on your say-so, HOW MUCH SHE REALLY LOVES YOU - "TODAY" AS OPPOSED TO "YESTERDAY".
Well, if you don't know that yet then GOOD. Who told YOU you get instant deep attachment and committed-ness on a plate? It has to be EARNED. And a friend can not prove he's a worthy lover. A friend can only prove he's a worthy friend. You're at Square One, mate. So-rreeeee.
Maybe come the point you've attached her to you to a far greater depth she WILL - NATURALLY - want to give up smoking just to make you happier? Or maybe she won't. Maybe she'll show you in every other way but that one.
Stop picking on poor ciggies and pick on the real culprit: your impatience and wanting to rush this.
Conclusion: typical bloke in love who "wann-it all... an' I wann-it NOOOW".
50p, please, Mr Mercury.
(PS: Am re-categorising your thread because it's not a genuine health issue. )
Thank you for your reply and your piece of mind. The thing is that I already know about everything what you just said and I do agree with it but the problem is that I can't control this stupid irritation when I see her smoke. I didn't ask of her to stop immediately, I know that's impossible, but asked if she could try and keep it down a bit, and if she could, slowly, one day in the future, stop. She said she will keep it down but she ain't doing it.
About her health problems, actually you could say it is somehow connected with smoking, at least it's making it worse, but I didn't really wanted to use it as an ammunition because I'm not trying to attack her, or make her "the bad guy" here, I'm just curious about other people's opinion on my point of view about all of this and how much it's wrong. She has bad circulation, low stamina, skin problems, a weak body and always gets sick really easy, some problems with ovaries, don't know how to explain it on english, and God knows what else. That's probably why I hate seeing her poisoning herself so much on top of all that. I just hope I will find the strength to endure it.
I once had a boyfriend who was addicted to smoking marijuana. Oh, how I wanted him to stop. But he never did stop because he was addicted. Your girlfriend is addicted. Nicotine is possibly the strongest addiction that exists. She has to want to stop; she won't stop just because someone else wants her to. If you really can't live with her addiction, it is best for you to move on and find another girlfriend who has no addictions.
(Don't thank me cos I ain't finished yet...)
"I can't control this stupid irritation when I see her smoke"
Nobody would have deemed her "the bad guy" even if you had illustrated links. But nice try.
And I agree with Dancer although it's pretty obvious you DON'T want to exchange her. So, then, you'll just have to change your attitude, won't you.
For all you know, the only thing standing between her and falling into a crumpled, oft-whinging (irritating) heap of self-pity over her, allegedly, multitude of health complaints IS the ciggies! Everybody needs a crutch. What's yours?
Half my family died of lung cancer. NONE OF THEM SMOKED. EVER. Because that's not how it works (despite govts would like their herds of half-asleep cash-cows to believe that manipulations tool). You either have a 'switch' in you or you don't. Either that internal switch is so big and trigger happy that no 'finger' on the outside is even required to trip it meaning it trips itself courtesy of just time and motion or it's a tiny, firm switch as requires a big finger exerting big pressure or there's no switch to begin with meaning all the 'big fingers' in the world can try and flick it and it just won't effect. GENETICS FACT. Pay for her to have a gene screen if you're that worried and that suspicious.
"Wrong". Pff. Do you know what lungs are? Do you know what they had to daily cope with when we all lived in whattle & daub, single-roomed houses with a central, open, wood-burning fireplace and nothing but a tiny outlet hole in the roof and often only green wood to-hand? They are biological filtration and extraction systems DESIGNED to cope with pollutants. So unless you're telling me she has a tiny rib-cage and smokes 60 Gauloises per day AND has that genetic pre-disposition, I doubt you've anything very much to worry about. But all this STILL doesn't alter the fact that you should have thought about this and cannot at this premature stage of your bonding ask for her version of blood as your reassurance.
Here's an exercise for you that'll give you instant empathy: eat a sugared doughnut *without* afterwards licking the sugar from your lips. See how far YOU get with that to-distraction mental itch. And, more notably, see how relaxed, snuggly and kissy-two-somely YOU then feel like being.
Aye - count your blessings ...and if not, blame the government. But leave your poor girlfriend alone, she's not an idiot who needs rescuing nor is to blame for your lack of foresight and impatient insecurity. You keep nagging or even just tensing up every time she lights up and you might find its SHE who opts to get herself another model!
Don't get me wrong: NICE that you're so very into her and the relationship. But you're going about expressing your enthusiasm the wrong way. It's called, accept her for what she *is* and work *with* that. Specifically: buy her a Shisha pen pack (no nicotine) for £10+ or Electronic 'ciggie' kit for £50 (differing nicotine strengths down to zero), available all over the web. That way she can full or part-time smoke without smoking.
And if that's truly your beef, that's what you'll do, isn't it.
"She has bad circulation, low stamina, skin problems, a weak body and always gets sick really easy, some problems with ovaries, don't know how to explain it on english, and God knows what else."
Seems like you have built your own case in finding excuses as to why you are going to leave this gal, eventually.
Ooh! You could be right, Susie!
"I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE HER [because I know I will PROBABLY never find someone like her again] BUT I CAN'T STAND..."
SHE COULD BE RIGHT, ZERROXELL! It could be your 'behind scenes', at-the-ready/back-up get-out clause in case you at some point find you can't take the heat because this one's TOO perfect which means NO EXCUSE NOT TO TIE THE KNOT! ...Except for...
'I'm leaving you because [quote] smoking is more important to you than I am'.
How long did your ex relationships last? And why did it take you 6 long years to want to take your relationship with this friend to the next level? And were you taken by complete surprise at how powerful the sex and resultant feelings were?